jjj111

It must be so hard to get some perspective in the context of a 25 year marriage and all the shifting of blame over whose fault the alcoholism is or who led who to drink. Maybe it would be easier for you to focus if you just zero in on what is best for you today, right now? And then just take it day to day? Nothing is written in stone, all you have is right now to take good care of yourself.

gleefan

Jeni - I understand the stress and confusion that a relationship between two alcoholics creates. Hugs!

Jeni26

You are all amazing. Yes...I don't want to lose that dream of us all together. It isn't just potential, it actually happens, or DID happen anyway. Now, of course, they are tainted with the cloud of alcohol. Will he get drunk? Will he spoil it? All those uncertainties are with me all the time.

I would miss those family times. My growing up was so difficult and I always swore that my kids would never be afraid in their own home. Not sure I've always achieved that, but we have had many many happy times.

In fact, those times when my son and his girlfriend are round, and my daughter home from uni are the happiest of my life.

Of course, they could be recreated elsewhere, but not without causing them a lot of hurt along the way.

I need maybe to stop living in the future. Today there is a quiet resolve about me. I've got 3 days left at work, then I'm off for 6 weeks. Plenty of 'me' time. I need to get stronger I know, rediscover myself like you have done lexieCat. And I think that will be a long process.

Kitty73

Hello, this is the first time I've posted in here..I am not an alcoholic so I don't know if it's appropriate but my partner is.. I say partner, we lived together for 3 years during which time he drank, did rehab, quit, started drinking again but lied about it, hid it from me (not very successfully) and in Feb had a drunken argument with my mother (who was at mine ) and moved out, he now lives a couple of miles away at a friends house, works during the day drinks at night, talks all the time about stopping drinking, about repairing our relationship but no actions happen and in the time he's been gone the loving caring gentle man who made me feel like I was his world has been replaced with someone who seems to have no care, empathy, compassion for me but doesn't want to "split up" yesterday was his birthday so we planned to spend the day together but he drank all the way through it and only responds to me telling him how this hurts and how I feel left out, at arms length, by screaming in my face and marching off. In sober moments he wants us to see a relationship counsellor but I can't seem to get him to understand it's the alcohol that does it, in the morning it's all kisses and cuddles.. he says he wants to give up and is sick of it but 5 months later...anyway , he tried aa but neither of us are religious and he was told at the meeting he would have to be in order to quit, Ahh I don't know, I'm at the end of my tether, just so so hurt by it all..

tomsteve

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and love more..."author unknown"

megsykreeg

The hardest thing to do is Let Go. You say you have faith in God. I too can completely relate to the roller coaster and feeling like you are not trusting God with your AH. Truth is I didn't fully give my husband to God. I kept trying to control the situation. Like you I was happy when he was sober and fearful and sad when he was drinking. You have to realize JOY in God is not really happiness. You can be content in God but still have struggle. I finally gave up and gave everything to God. I then made the difficult decision to leave or in my case make him leave because I didn't want to uproot my daughter. I told him as long as he was going to live like an alcoholic and not work his recovery, he could not live with us. Doesn't mean I don't love him but I cannot fix him. Only he can do that with God's help. He chose to change. Doesn't mean that's what will happen with everyone but Praise God he's doing great now. You aren't helping your husband by staying. You're hurting him. He has to know that you cannot and will not put up with his behavior. I'm praying for you.

Hugs to You

Stung

I'm not an alcoholic, but I'm an al-anoner. And in therapy.

My time in al-anon and in therapy has taught me that when I start going down the "what-if" road about my husband's sobriety then I know *I* am in trouble and need to turn the focus on myself.

Will he drink again? He's an alcoholic. If there is one thing I know about alcoholism and sobriety, is that sobriety is not guaranteed and there is not a thing that I can do to help anyone else get or stay sober.

Will he spoil my time? Someone else can only take your happiness away if you allow them to. And for me personally, that has meant checking my expectations at the door. When I was expecting my active alcoholic husband to act like a sober person was when I was the MOST upset and distraught. In those times I had already planned out and envisioned special occasions and holidays in my mind and I always expected my active addict husband to act sober and when he acted like an out of control drunk (that he showed me over and over and over again was who he was likely to be) I was heartbroken and betrayed.

Lastly, there is no certainty about anything in life. The only certainty in life is that nothing is certain. Trying to be certain about life, especially about the behaviors of an alcoholic is insanity. If your husband is active in his addiction, it would be most helpful to you to accept that his behavior is not reliable. That also does not mean that you need to accept his behavior. Letting go doesn't mean to me that I'm uncaring or unemotional - it just means that I become less invested in other people's business. In my home meeting there are a bunch of al-anon slogans on the floor and one of them is "mind your own business" and it's really actually very helpful for me. When I find myself fretting over my husband's sobriety, I remind myself to mind my own business. It's actually very infrequently that his sobriety effects me or our children but I sure allowed it to take up a LOT of my time and mind. Practicing mindfulness helps me with letting things go too. Brene Brown talks about how can you enjoy a peach if you cannot enjoy one bite of it? She describes being mindful as deeply feeling your feelings but not over-identifying with them. Letting go of something in a moment, doesn't mean you enter an absolute state of "not caring" or being unemotional or cold. It means your letting this one thing go, which can free you up to enjoy more moments in your life.

Jeni26

I went to an amazing AlAnon meeting last night. The people there are so strong and united. It made me realise how much harder people have it, I really need to move out of this victim role I seem to be assuming.

One lady who made a point of sitting next to me lost her daughter to addiction. I honestly couldn't think of a bigger hurt.

The message over and over again last night was 'don't get into the ring' with your alcoholic. It made complete sense. I am still under the misapprehension that my words will have some effect. I need to find my peace whether or not he is drinking. At the moment I'm reacting so badly. As soon as he takes a sip or even buys some in, my mood sinks to one of despair. I don't get angry or confrontational, but I'm spending less and less time at home these days and I'm so sad.

I do feel though that the meetings provide a lifeline. Next week an alcoholic is sharing. That will be interesting!

Coles

Hi Jeni,
I dont have any answers... but Im here to offer support anyway. I've been married 14 years and my marriage seems a little bit similar. My husband and i were "drinking buddies" too. we were best friends and we drank ALOT together. Most of that was fun. Some of it was fighting. I was getting really bad with drinking and blacking out and being hungover and was getting depressed about it. Then I got pregnant. I had to stop drinking then. I was only 19 at that point and struggled with not being a "partier." I didnt know who else to be. Well through a lot of ups and downs, I was able to get to a place where I could just have a couple of drinks on the weekends. That doesnt work for an alcoholic though, I know that. Am I an alcoholic? I dont really know. But I do know that sometimes I am easily convinced to "drink a little more." or a lot more. dangerous territory.... but anyway, what I really wanted to tell you, is that I can relate to your posts. My husband is the kindest sweetest man when he is sober. when he drinks and blacks out he will sometimes yell at me for hours. tthe next day he will have no recollection. if i tell him he will apologize over and over and tell me how much he loves me. I know people say that it doesnt matter if someone is drunk, that they are choosing to behave that way anyway. But i dont know if that is true. Because I know my husband. And he isnt a mean person to me, or anyone. unless he is blackout drunk.
I've been reading "codependent no more." its been helping me a lot. have you read it? Im going to try this "detachment" thing. wish me luck!