And when do you reach that stage when enough is enough?
He is two different people. He shouts and swears, he gets lost in blackout and doesn't remember what he's said or done. He becomes stroppy and unreasonable. He puts drinking above his family.
He is thoughtful and kind and funny. He knows me better than everyone. He has stood by me when I've been lost in depression. He has supported me when I've made my way through weird family dynamics with my parents and siblings.
I love him very much. I led him back to drinking when we both had several years sober, and now he is stuck. The first 6 months or so I thought he could manage, but now he is spiralling.
I guess I cannot envisage a time when we wont be together, but I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I am 51. I have even contemplated going back to drinking with him, but I cannot. The hell of my relapse is too close, I am barely 4 months sober this time round, and I'm working my program and sticking close to my sponsor.
In 2 weeks I'm going for a weeks break on my own, driving from southern England to Scotland to visit friends. That will take me right out of the situation and give me time to think.
This seems so hard.