Feeling Utterly Defeated-Giving Up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Feeling Utterly Defeated-Giving Up
Before anyone says..."Go to a clinic," "See your doctor," et cetera, please know I plan to get sober at home and discretely.
I am utterly ruined.
I am a cancer survivor and battling alcoholism has been much worse. I hate myself. I hate every word I utter. I am tired of faking and I am tired of drinking. I just want out.
I need friendship and support right now, not judgement. I have to do this.
All of my sentences were started with 'I.' I am sick of I.
My children need me. They don't need a drunk mother. Please help. How will I get through this? I feel utterly miserable and want to tear up the walls. I am tapering now.
I am utterly ruined.
I am a cancer survivor and battling alcoholism has been much worse. I hate myself. I hate every word I utter. I am tired of faking and I am tired of drinking. I just want out.
I need friendship and support right now, not judgement. I have to do this.
All of my sentences were started with 'I.' I am sick of I.
My children need me. They don't need a drunk mother. Please help. How will I get through this? I feel utterly miserable and want to tear up the walls. I am tapering now.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
You are not alone Pouncer....I know the feeling, am experiencing it again myself. I find hope in knowing so many have felt just as you & I are now, but those feeling will change with sobriety ((Big Hug to you))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 630
Originally Posted by Pouncer 
I hate myself right now. Please tell me this gets better. I will be dead in a month if this keeps up.
Hang in there!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Pouncer, you have come to the right place for understanding and support.
I got sober on my own too, and have used SR as a support for many years. I completely understand the self-loathing you have and I will never forget those feelings I had. I felt gutted and like there was nothing left of me, and I think it was the last sliver of hope I had that got me to stop drinking. I've been where you are and I can assure you that you can get through this.
I got sober on my own too, and have used SR as a support for many years. I completely understand the self-loathing you have and I will never forget those feelings I had. I felt gutted and like there was nothing left of me, and I think it was the last sliver of hope I had that got me to stop drinking. I've been where you are and I can assure you that you can get through this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
It gets better. Truly. No one is going to jump all over you or judge you. It's hard. We've all done it. Some, like me, multiple times. Keep coming back. Welcome to SR.
But, if you are having a rough time, please consider seeing your doctor. A doctor can help ease the withdrawal and monitor for anything going on. You are not ruined. You are making a strong choice for yourself.
But, if you are having a rough time, please consider seeing your doctor. A doctor can help ease the withdrawal and monitor for anything going on. You are not ruined. You are making a strong choice for yourself.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
Welcome to the family! 
Yes! It gets better as long as you stay sober. The early days can be rough, but it does get better. Come here often and post your frustrations and feelings. We are here to support you.
Please don't give up on yourself. I know that feeling all too well.
I was feeling hopeless but the good people here convinced me to keep trying and I finally did it! I've been sober over five years now. If I can do it, so can you! 
Yes! It gets better as long as you stay sober. The early days can be rough, but it does get better. Come here often and post your frustrations and feelings. We are here to support you. Please don't give up on yourself. I know that feeling all too well.
I was feeling hopeless but the good people here convinced me to keep trying and I finally did it! I've been sober over five years now. If I can do it, so can you! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Thank you all. Your replies made tears stream out of my eyes.
I am at the point that my secret problem is not so secret anymore. I have tapered successfully in the past. I just never had a goal of complete sobriety. I remember not too long ago, when I was sober, that I couldn't believe how much more enjoyable everything was. I know it gets better, I really do, but this bit is always the hardest.
I wish I was over this hump. The utter embarrassment - everything. I hate this.
To top it all off, I have the worst cold/flu I have had in years right now and I haven't really started tapering yet.
Just that feeling, yet again, that I am a f**king failure and an utter disappointment to everyone. I already have severe ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder. I really don't need another mental illness, but there you are.
I know I can do this, but this part is the hardest. It is really the pits; I am at the nadir of my life. I want to die.
I am at the point that my secret problem is not so secret anymore. I have tapered successfully in the past. I just never had a goal of complete sobriety. I remember not too long ago, when I was sober, that I couldn't believe how much more enjoyable everything was. I know it gets better, I really do, but this bit is always the hardest.
I wish I was over this hump. The utter embarrassment - everything. I hate this.
To top it all off, I have the worst cold/flu I have had in years right now and I haven't really started tapering yet.
Just that feeling, yet again, that I am a f**king failure and an utter disappointment to everyone. I already have severe ADHD and Major Depressive Disorder. I really don't need another mental illness, but there you are.
I know I can do this, but this part is the hardest. It is really the pits; I am at the nadir of my life. I want to die.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 462
Pouncer I was so bad I thought I might rather die than stop drinking! Just didn't know how to get through the day without it. Once you get through the first 30 days you will see the light. Life is so much better without alcohol! Pm me if you want
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
