FreeOwl

it gets so much better.... you won't even believe it.

welcome.

You can do it!!!

Pouncer

I will do my best, and I mean it.

Doing my best means dealing with all the issues that were 'reasons' for me to drink in the first place.

sva777

You can do it, how long has it been since your last drink?? Please do get better, I grew up with a mother in the same situation as yourself and look at where I wound up. The apple never falls far from the tree.

I wish you the best, 6 weeks after your last drink you will feel so much better.

JD4010

Welcome from another cancer survivor. And an alcoholic.

Pouncer

How long since my last drink? Oh, just a few hours ago. Yep. It's that bad, I have to taper.

I was just going to lie and say, it was last night. It wasn't at all. I think I woke up drunk, actually. No more lying anymore.

Jupiters

Hi Pouncer, glad you found us

like FreeOwl said - you have no idea how much better it can and will get.
You can do this.

Gonnachange

As difficult as it may be, being honest is what is going to help you the most. I had to write this morning that I drank last night; it wasn't an easy type yet it had to be done IMO.

Pouncer

Yes, I do know. I was sober for a year very recently. It was great. Life just gets harder and I keep getting worse.

The main issue is that I can't deal with really anything. I get so worked up that it is unmanageable. I care too much about everything. I just wish my doctor would prescribe something for anxiety, but I won't ask because I don't want to be on another drug. I already take a stimulant and two antidepressants. I just want out of all of this. I think that alcoholism will take me, either from suicide or an overdose.

I am utterly miserable.

Sasha4

Please start hating, despising and getting sick of alcohol.
This is what alcohol does to us.
It makes us hate ourselves.
We see it as a reward for a bad day, a way to celebrate a birthday, a new baby, christmas, a new job, and it is not.
It is a hideous, disgusting, vile liquid that destroys everything good about a person.
It does not create confidence, it drags your confidence away.
It does not give happiness, it creates tears and sadness.

We are bombarded with images of how carefree drink makes us. How it helps us unwind after a long day. Holidays would not be complete without it. You can even drink it in the bath with your candles lit and your expensive potions and lotions!
It is supposed to make us sophisticated and more attractive.

Honestly, drink is none of that.
The sooner you see drink for what it is, the better.

You are directing your hate to the wrong place.

I wish you the best xx

Pouncer

Thanks, Shasha. That pretty much sums up everything. I will remember your post, because every word of it rings true.

Alcohol makes life not worth living.

Alchemist1978

Hello Pouncer,

I went through the same thing last night and could not sleep a bit. Drinking for days wreaks havoc on your mind.

chickippo

another alcoholic Mum here with a few mental health diagnoses.

I was where you are nearly a year ago. I finally stopped after a withdrawal that almost killed me. my life today is unrecognisable. I'm not dangerously suicidal. I have some problems coping now I don't have the bottle to turn to but I am not going back for all the bounty in the world.

it was hard to stop. some days it's hard staying stopped. if I can do this, you can.

be well

Pouncer

Yes. It really does wreak havoc. It is an absolute destroyer. The self-hate stuff is really hard right now. I just want to get out of the place I am and jump into a time in the future. I am absolutely done with drinking. I am done.

I never want to go through this again. Most of all, I NEVER want to put my family through this ever again.

thomas11

Hi Pouncer, I read the sentence in your post that said: "I want to die". It crushed me. You may want to, but you are not going to. PLEASE, it sounds like you've been through this before, do whatever it takes to get you through this, be there for your kids and rely on those who support you. You are here on this website, that is a sign you want/need help. Use it, take it. You are worth it to yourself and your kids. You can do it, it will be hard, and it sounds like you know that. Start the process.

Pouncer

Thanks Thomas, I still feel that way. I just can't stop right away because of the sheer volume that I have been drinking. I have really dug myself a hole and I feel like there is no way out.

gettingsmarter

Pouncer, When I was drinking everyday I was absolutely miserable.
"I think that alcoholism will take me, either from suicide or an overdose."
I was right there.
Great news is that you don't have to feel like that. You are worth it.

FeenixxRising

Hang in there Pouncer. I know all too well that feeling of self-loathing and self-hate, and I'm sure everyone here also knows that feeling. The good news is that many people on this site have been there and not only moved past it with their sobriety, but have also thrived with a whole new outlook on life.

Are you open to attending any recovery group meetings like AA, SMART Recovery etc.? If so you may find some solace and inspiration in face-to-face meetings.

Whatever you do, please stick around this site, you will find a lot of support here.

Jupiters

you can dig yourself out, you can.
You were sober a year, you can get that again.
One shovel at a time, keep digging OUT.

Pouncer

I won't do AA. I am an atheist, and really do not want to go down the road of religion.

I have done SMART and AVRT and (stupidly) MM. I just want to go through detox right now. I have had a really hard time in the past with going cold turkey. I won't do it again. I want to be at a point where the shakes stop and then I will go cold turkey. That is my goal right now. It may sound like a meager step, but I can't stop right away.

Pouncer

I was literally arrested a year and a half ago because I was day drinking and running outside naked. I can't tell you enough how I want to be me, the one who lived without alcohol. She ran and hiked and took care of her family. She was also a nice person who appreciated everyone and had positive things to say. She was a helper and a friend. She was devoured by alcohol.