Butterfly

I have been struggling to accept that my husband left almost a year ago due to drinking I can't accept that someone who said he loved me so much and never wanted to be without me would leave so he could drink unrestricted.

I have to accept that he left because of me, he's been trying to leave me for many years but I always manipulayed the situation so he would come home, such as taking an overdose. I didn't do it at the time because I was deliberately trying to manipulate I honestly believed everyone was better off without me, but looking back it probably was manipulation, he felt trapped and the only way out was to say he wanted to drink when he wanted and refuse to seek help because I was so determined that he couldn't come home until he was sober. He latched onto that and used that as his excuse to not come home. It was my anxiety about his drinking that. Caused all the problems. It was only bad sometimes, I made it worse in my mind that what it was and pushed him away. I tried to control everything, who he went out with, drank with because I was scared he would leave me

He was being honest when he said he didn't love me anymore and he lied for years saying he was in love with me and wanted his future to be with me, he didn't and his only way out was to say he wanted to drink and would t get help.

I am sorry I have tortured everyone here for almost a year, thank you all for putting up with me and I wish everyone the best and peace in your recovery.

Thank you all so much and I am sorry.

amy55

Now Butterfly, you stop this right now.

My marriage was very similar to yours. What you just wrote above is that you are taking all of the blame, that you are feeling like a horrible person, that you should have done things differently. I felt the same way. We start to accept their talk as our own thinking.

You are a wonderful, caring, beautiful person.

I still have no idea of why my ex left me so many times. Was it because he just wanted me to stop nagging him and he wanted to drink. I never really did nag him. I asked him to be nice to me and to treat me like a person. He couldn't do it.

I could probably give you many reasons or explanations, God knows I gave myself enough, but what it came down to was, I was not going to force someone to love me and to be with me.

There was too much push/pull there. He loved me, then he didn't. It really had nothing to do with me, it had to do with him. You can't be expected to be OK with that kind of a relationship.

I read that you went to Al anon. Good for you. Keep going.

You will heal from this, I promise. It's taking me a long time, and I'm still getting there, but each day seems brighter.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

Butterfly

That is why he wants nothing to do with me, why he won't speak to me or see me. Why he has shut me out as if I don't matter I don't not to him.

SparkleKitty

Butterfly, I too went through phases where I felt my only option was to admit and accept that I was, in fact, the Worst Person in the World.

My thinking was so black and white, there was never anything breathing room, no spaces to allow for all human beings and relationships to be as complicated as they are.

Your ex is an alcoholic, and you are not powerful enough to have had the kind of influence on him that you want to believe you did, to reinforce your low opinion of yourself. We all need to take responsibility for our role in our relationships, but we do not need to take it all. Is there any room in your heart to accept that you both did the best you could with what you knew at the time, with the resources available to you, and if just did not work out? Is there any room in your heart to forgive yourself for your missteps, to understand that you acted from a place of need and hurt, and rather than being punished, you deserve to be healed and soothed? I believe that you deserve that. I think a lot of people here do. You haven't been torturing me; quite the opposite, I have learned a lot from your journey. I expect to learn more from you. I am grateful you have found us and shared your story with us. I would be really sad if you decided you didn't deserve this place, hon.

maia1234

Butterfly,
You are entitled to be sad. But you can do this. You have to do this. Keep going to alanon and let them be your support for right now. I know that you can't see it, but this will past and you will get over this. Your life will get so much better. Maybe one day when he gets sober you can revisit the love you two shared!!

You are a survivor!!!! ((((((hugs)))))

amy55

No Butterfly, perhaps I worded that the wrong way. It's not what I meant.

I think you told me that years back, you did separate, and that you started to move on in your own life. I do hope I am remembering correctly. I think he pulled you back in at that point.

Personally, and this is JMHO, I think your stbex lacks emotional maturity, and empathy. Now that is not your fault.

Your relationship was much like mine, and I am trying to word things, so that it would be easier to let go. I also know that if anyone said something to me, I would be out there researching and hoping, and thinking, just let me do this the right way this time. I know you have tried as hard as you could.

It's impossible to get someone to treat you with respect when they are not emotionally mature, and they lack empathy. They are only thinking of immediate gratification. It has nothing to do with you. It's really hard to get our own head out of that spin that we put ourselves into.

My ex ran away from home many times. He would come back and I would ask him, why he does that and if he was thinking of me. He would tell me that he had no thought of me at all, that he needed to get away from me. This went on for years, just like yours did. I think sometimes we just have to deal with the fact that we were in toxic relationships. I wasn't happy, he wasn't happy. It was never going to work. I wanted respect, he wanted to do whatever he wanted to do. It was never going to change. He didn't want to be a mature person and accept responsibilities. That's the bottom line.

It's really hard to put to paper, how a relationship like this can destroy your self esteem, and self confidence.

I think I was so non stop thinking in my own head about the what if's, and if only's, that I stopped thinking about me. Just like he blamed me, I blamed me. We both know that you can't change another person, so we kept trying to change ourselves, till we lost who we were. Then to try to change your thinking pattern to begin to think about yourself, it takes awhile for that.

I do encourage Al anon, I think you will meet a lot of people there who have been through what you are going through.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

Flavia2

The way an alcoholic's mind works is twisted, Butterfly. He loves you but he is a limited person without the ability to truly love.

They think they can get out of the relationship and their problems will be over, but the A usually sees at that they have the same problems with another relationship, too.

That's why so many of them come back (see the girl who's XAHBF got married in Vegas as a perfect example).

You fit in. You are not wrong to want to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Mango blast

Big hugs, Butterfly.

These are normal feelings and emotions that many of us go through. At the same time, they are unhealthy. My thought on this is the only way out is through. That as you work this out in your own way, hopefully with support of a therapist who is familiar with addictions, or an Alanon sponsor, and also any info gained here that may help, then you'll be viewing things differently. Perhaps all you need to start is time to breath deeply and pray. You are important. You are not alone.

You are bravely opening yourself up to so much, so quickly. Trust us in that this is but a small part of the journey and it does get better.

The diseases of alcoholism and codependency both will tell lies to us. They are cunning, devious and hurtful. It's okay to question them, to put things aside when you want to. You aren't required to pick them up and own them.

Healing does come. Not at the expense of sacrificing ourselves. Baby steps, easy does it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...est-house.html

(((Hugs)))

fluffyflea

It takes two to tangle Butterfly you don't have the power to have or accept 100 percent blame for the situation.

SeriousKarma

Butterfly, our stories aren't that different. We joined this site around the same time last year, both at the end of long marriages to men we loved very much. Both of us struggling with coming to grips with our new realities.

We can do this, hon. I know it's hard, but the first thing you've got to stop doing is beating yourself up.

I hear what your saying. I've said many of the same things to myself. But I'm not going to play that game anymore. You shouldn't either. We did what we did because we were living in a sh*t storm Butterfly. Do you remember how crazy it was living with him? It's amazing we were able to function at all. What you're saying, if I understand correctly, is that you matched his crazy. Me too.

I feel sometimes that I tried to make my husband fit a template that he wasn't made to fit, and I ignored his attempts at letting me know. I feel sometimes that I wasn't sympathetic enough, and sexy enough, and dynamic enough to keep him happy. I feel sometimes that when he drank, he was actually trying to express his inner demons... We'll you know what, Butterfly? He can cry me a river. Any healthy, functioning adult man, and this includes you're husband, should be able to come up with a better way to get out of a marriage than screwing over the people who love him again...and again...and again!!!!!

Please don't apologize to us. This is a safe place for you to work through these things. And you will work through them, hon.

redatlanta

hard to see the forest for the trees.....

As you have described this relationship in many threads you and your husband are like putting a square peg in a round hole. He is not suited for you, and you are not suited for him. It happens. It happens A LOT.

i am sorry you are hurting. Perhaps today or sometime soon you will realize - HE never met your needs consistently, and that HE never had what it would take to make YOU happy. You place the blame on your self for falling short - Its really not accurate is it? In personality and common interests he doesn't have what it takes for you to be fulfilled. You know that. Just breathing oxygen and residing in the the same place is not a qualifier for happiness, take the alcoholism out of this picture what else was there except constantly trying to make it work?

I think you romanticize this relationship an awful lot. You have been with him for a long time - I am guessing your age and guessing that you got married relatively young.

I hope today is a better day for you and I hope soon you will realize this isn't just about you.

LexieCat

What happened between yesterday when you joyfully described your first face-to-face Al-Anon meeting and today? Looks like something that you heard or read is being misinterpreted.

None of us is perfect. NOBODY is perfect. We all make mistakes in our relationships, say/do hurtful things--sometimes on purpose and sometimes accidentally. And for probably the vast majority of the population, more relationships fail than succeed. And relationships where one of the parties is an alcoholic are more likely to fail than most. One of the people is not in his/her right mind a majority of the time, and often the non-alcoholic gets a little (or a lot) nutso in the process, too.

Maybe he loved you the best he could (as SparkleKitty said), and you did YOUR best, too. You know more know. When we know better, we do better. But nothing you could have done would have fixed his alcoholism.

Suppose he stayed, and your life continued to be miserable. But you work your recovery and eventually you see that this isn't the life YOU want--sooner or later it's likely YOU would have been the one to walk away.

Your biggest "crime" was that you cramped his lifestyle that he wanted to live. But that lifestyle was harmful to YOU. How does that make it your FAULT? You weren't put on this earth to make things easy for someone who wants to live a destructive life. You were put here to make the most of the gifts you have to offer. Sacrificing your life for the sake of a relationship with someone who doesn't care how harmful it is to you or to himself or to his children doesn't sound like a good use of your life.

Stick with us, and with Al-Anon. We'll love you until you're able to love yourself.

seasaw

I'm so sorry you're filled with so much remorse and self-blame right now - just remember emotions are not rational. You're feeling a LOT right now, and that's part of the path to discovery, but you just went to your very first meeting - there's still tons to learn and tons of ways to grow and change your perspective! Think of all the ways your perspective could be different as time passes - a day, a month, a year from now.

As I understand it this board is for people who have A's in their lives, which, as I understand it, you do. So there you go - you belong. You have no need to push people away. Parse these big questions out with people here and elsewhere. You'll figure this out. Healing can look like a lot of things. Wait and see what you think about how you feel today a week or a month from now.

---one more thing - you can't MAKE SOMEONE DRINK.

Timeiskey

Butterfly,

It sounds like you are in a tough moment, but it is momentary. You have provided me with some strong spiritual guidance when I was in my lowest points. I have had the same thoughts before. When my ex and I broke up, it was after I had exploded in an angry, resentful, demanding, and absolutely unfair way. I was pointing all kinds of fingers at him and I wasn't any better. I had witnessed him binging in a way that made me fearful- I was convinced he was on his way to some sort of mental break, but it was I that was breaking under the pressure of trying to care for an active alcoholic who wouldn't take responsibility for himself nor show me the proper respect that I deserved in the relationship. I am NOT PROUD of who I was and how I acted. I have kicked myself hundreds of times and have said to myself, "well, if I had come to the situation with the kind of understanding I have now, if I had approached him in a reasonable way and had been kinder, we could have worked it out." But to what end? He isn't going to change. All the actions he took that drove me to anger, and my own choice to accept unacceptable behavior is what caused me to lose my mind. And, if it wasn't for all of that, I wouldn't have sought help and wouldn't have the understanding that I am building now.
Its hard to let go. I understand. I wish it was different for you and I wish it was different for me. But for me, the point is about becoming healthier so that I can move forward and have a truly healthy relationship with someone who is healthy- rather than settling for less just to be with someone who is an alcoholic. You said that he isn't as bad as you thought at one time, but I bet he is that bad. Just like my ex is that bad. A's are the best manipulators and can make everything seem so nice from the outside. What is that saying- don't judge your reality against someone else's highlight reel? It is in our nature to second guess and blame ourselves for everything. You are to blame for settling and being a codependent but he is to blame for his drinking and lack of dedication to recovery and the relationship. This is a very lonely time for me right now. It is hard not to think about my ex all the time, but the more work I do on myself, the more I can see that it was never going to work out with him- and somewhere inside me, I had to know that and the Codi part encouraged the self-defeating act of trying...after all, when it all fell to pieces I could just reconfirm what I already knew about myself- that I am not worth love and am unlovable...Nah, I don't think I will do that this time. I think I will walk a different path- even if the road is unfamiliar and scary- it has to be better than continuing that cycle! Chin up Butterfly, you are not alone and you are not to blame for anything but getting off track with your recovery- so don't do that and you will be just fine!

NYCDoglvr

I see you just went to your first Alanon meeting and I hope you continue. What I've found is recovery is a program of action. We make a decision to change our thinking and the feelings FOLLOW the actions. Perhaps you're sitting back waiting to feel differently? For example, despite terrible consequences the majority of alcoholics continue to drink anyway (that's why it's called the disease of insanity). Some, however, accept they're powerless over alcohol and understand that without help they can't stop. So they get sober. The same thing with codependency: you can setting for a terrible relationship and go on forever.

It's up to you of course, but if you want to change and have a better life, you can.

suncatcher

Butterfly, your post concerns me. It sounds like a giving up post. Please don't give up and please don't apologize for posting here. Your posts have been helpful to me as well as others and we value you and your thoughts and experiences. If you are having any disturbing thoughts ...you know what I'm talking about, please seek help right away. Know that we are here for you and understand what you are going through. Tight hugs ...Please don't dwell in the past and feel like everything is your fault. We all have days like that. I regret leaving my marriage of 22 years in 2007. I have days where I feel like a horrible selfish person. But when I feel that way I say a prayer for forgiveness and for my hp to guide me in the right direction. It helps.

hopeful4

Butterfly, I too am concerned to hear this. You are looking for ways to blame yourself for his addiction. You need to dumb it way down. He is an alcoholic who wants and needs to drink. It is progressive, and it has progressed. That is what it is.

Today is a new day. It's a day to start fresh and stop trying to analyze the why's for him, you cannot be in his head. Just look at all the reasons to start being happy being you.

Tight hugs. We love you very much.

XXX

FeelingGreat

Butterfly please don't allow yourself to sink down into this type of thinking. Life isn't black or white, in fact it's 50 shades of grey, and not that sort of 50 shades either.

There is a life after AH, and it's a good one. You've got a lot going for you without hitching your wagon onto him and judging yourself entirely on his terms.

He's not run off with another woman; he's wedded to the bottle and you can't fight that, as you know.

Happy anniversary BTW, and I say that because until this relapse you'd come a very long way. Seriously, if he came home tomorrow do you think you could ever go back to that woman you were 12 months ago?

Now you can wallow in misery or do something to take your mind off this 12 months. I suggest you hit a meeting asap.

Rosiepetal

You don't have to be sorry for anything honey.
Keep working your recovery & only good will come.
Put you & your health first.
You are in a better place just focusing on yourself.
You're allowed to feel these feelings but just recognise them & then try to let them go, wash over you.
One day at a time.
We are here for you & you have given us great input here at SR.
You belong here that's for sure.
Big hugs.

Hawkeye13

Miss you (((((((((Butterfly)))))))))
Come back soon--you are part of our family