Butterfly

Ok so lately I keep going back to my default setting, he didn't leave to drink he left because of me!!

I read posts here and think he wasn't as bad as that or he didn't put me through that maybe I made a bigger deal of his drinking than it was. Maybe I don't belong here, maybe he's not an alcoholic!!!

As I've said before he didn't drink every night or weekend he was a binge drinker. He was a lot worse when we first met after the honeymoon period, then he was like many partners here, aggressive disappearing for days on end to drink and take drugs then we separated and he quit but wasn't long before he started again but never to the level he was initially. There were periods when his drinking was bad then periods he hardly drank.

I think for me why I find it so hard to accept that he left so he can drink unrestricted is that it was so sudden. We were great at Christmas certainly no drinking the next day, then his uncle became really ill and bam his drinking escalated then he left. I know I've said this before but he bought me an eternity ring at Christmas saying about it being a symbol that we will be together forever, we were selling our house the suddenly he's left, no warnings and now he's not in love with me as he says how can he be if he won't get help.

I keep thinking was I making more of his drinking than it really was was my anxiety and insecurity causing problems when there wasn't any based on what happened in the past. Or was he trying to be someone he wasn't during the times he hardly drank.

I know a lot of this is repeating previous posts but my head is swimming with these thoughts. I know I wasn't perfect, I was controlling trying to stop him from drinking with certain people just because I knew the state he would get in and the person he became when drinking with them, I tried to control his drinking. I know he said things like he drank so much as he didn't know when he would be able to have another drink, that was down to me because I was so anxious, was I not able to let go of the past??

I always thought he chose his family and friends over me when he left on other occasions but he admitted it was his place to drink he was protecting but maybe if I'd not been as controlling he wouldn't have felt the need. Twice when he left I had a breakdown maybe he only came back because I did that.

Sorry my mind is all over the place and I can't make sense of what's going through my head!!

Butterfly

During one of our last telephone conversation she told me he had been lonely, maybe I worked too much, prioritised my job and working late over him. If I had made more time for him maybe he wouldn't have felt lonely and wouldn't have wanted to drink. Another time when he left he told me he was so low that he wanted to drive his car into a truck that was because I was making his life a misery for drinking with people who I hated and became anxious about whenhe was with them. I was so scared things would go back to how they were when we first met and I was jealous of the time he spent with them. It was at this time I began to feel that I wasn't good enough for him, that I was boring because he wouldn't go out with me or even have a drink with me or even invite me on nights out, not that I would have wanted to go. Actually he had them to ours once but apparently I made a fool of him as I saw a photo of him dancing in his boxers with his friends girlfriend. And I got annoyed so he never invited them back. I hated that night but I would have kept inviting them round for him That my anxiety didn't matter to him. As long as he could keep drinking with them.

fedup3

God sometimes removes people from your life to protect you.......Don't run after them!

Butterfly

I know I keep telling myself this, I seem to have gone right back to the beginning of my recovery

AnvilheadII

and what ARE you doing for your recovery these days? it's recommended when we feel ourselves slipping to double up on our recovery efforts....double up on meetings, step work, working with others.......

Butterfly

I'm reading and have started alanon on line meetings, my counsellor is off for 2 weeks so I miss seeing her, I would usually talk to my friend but she has so much going on, she recently had a bereavement and I'm trying to support her.

I am off work this week and for the first time in a long time I'm scared of being off and not being able to occupy my mind I nearly cancelled my leave again, I cancelled it 3 weeks ago. and I keep thinking back to good times with him, I've even started dreaming of him again only this time he's met someone else!!!!

Thumper

Providing the magical combination of words to bring closure to that question would still not help you move forward because the steps forward are the same either way. The next chapter of your life will be without him as a partner. It promises peace and joy. You can't start living that chapter until you quit reading the last chapter - wishing it was somehow different. It will not change no matter how many times you re-read it. That is the frustrating truth.

fedup3

Take some deep breathes and re-read what you just posted above but read it slowly and as though it was written by a good friend of yours. What would you tell her after reading it?

Sungrl

Let's just say all of what you said is true.

Every single word.

It does not change anything at all. You are getting divorced.

That being the case, why not go with the notion that none of this was or is your fault.

If you look at it that way, maybe it will be easier for you to move forward.

I hope that makes sense, if worked for me.

Sending you good vibes B, I don't know what else to say.

Katchie

So, he's made to drink when he's lonely.

He's made to drink when --------. You fill in the blank. All excuses, no responsibility.

I agree with the above comment to double up on self work. Don't believe the lies. You know good and well you didn't cause it, and you sure as heck couldn't control it, and you darn well can't cure it. I wish we all had those magical powers, the world would be a better place! ;-)

Don't be hard on yourself. Hugs

Eauchiche

"aggressive disappearing for days on end to drink and take drugs then we separated"

Maybe he's not an alcoholic? HUH???!!!

My mate didn't disappear for days or take drugs, but YES he really is THAT BAD!!!

You need recovery worse than he does. Al Anon would be a tremendous help to you if you work your program. Good luck!!!

Duckygirl1

He will find an excuse no matter what, no matter who, no matter when. 5 years from now he'll say the same words to someone else. Leave and 5 years more again to yet another. Double down on the self care for sure. Keep repeating its him not me, it's him not me.((((hugs))))

HealingWillCome

Have you ever seen this quote, Butterfly? It came to mind as I was reading your post.

Also, there's a book I read a few years ago that helped me immensely called "The Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. She's a Christian author and speaker, so it may not be your flavor, but there are other good books out there about the power of thought. You might consider finding something like that to help you get your thoughts on track. You deserve some peace of mind. Hugs to you.

maia1234

Butterfly, not to be mean, but you sound like an addict.

An addict wants a drink, they know that it is bad for them, they know what the consequences of giving into their addiction, but they want it so bad that they are willing to give up everything to have it.

That's what you sound like. You want the drug so bad that your willing to jeopardize everything that you know, just to have some. Try and put it in that perspective, it is a poisonous apple that you can not touch.

I am sorry Butterfly, cry and be sad over the loss of your marriage. You know that it would not be good for you to give this all up. Then you will have to start at day 1, again!! Stay strong my friend!!

Hugs.... This to shall pass!!

redatlanta

Butterfly I am sorry you are hurting. Honestly you seem to stay in the same place a lot.

Here's the deal - you never stopped his drinking. He drank whenever and wherever, and as much as he wanted to. You didn't stop anything.

Yes it sounds like you would take him back no matter what. It sounds like the two of you are non-compatible and you aren't willing to acknowledge it.

Trying to figure out how to appease your husband and stay married sounds has been your job for 20 something years. No wonder this has been so hard for you to overcome. I'm not denying that you have had some good times - "some good times" just isn't enough. You have lived with a man that has left you a minimum of five times during your marriage. Come on Butterfly…….this last time he filed for divorce so he could drink when he wants.

This is non-compatability. Its not about if you can change - you cannot. No person unless they have a serious mental disorder can become what someone wants (like a BPD), and it never lasts. We are who we are. You need to find a way to love who you are - there is nothing wrong with you just because he chose to divorce.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone, each and everyone of you are right what you say!

Thumper I think I'm scared to move into the next chapter, scared of the unknown but I can't keep going over and over the past it keeps me stuck.

Sungl I try to let go that it wasn't me, I think when I become overwhelmed it's easier to resort to past thinking.

Thank you katchie

Eauchiiche, that was how he behaved years ago when I first met him and yes I still married him!! If only I'd had more self love for myself.

Ducky your post helped me recall the same excuses he's used with me for 18 yrs, drink, apologise, excuses and repeat. Thank you!!

Healing that is a beautiful saying, thank you for posting it, I've saved it and will print it out. I've heard many times we believe what we tell ourselves and I will definitely check out that book.

Maia, your right I am addicted to him and I have turned myself inside out during my marriage trying to change me to become someone who would make him happy, compromise on what I wanted/felt comfortable with to keep him because I believed that I needed him to make me happy to love me because I beleived that no one loved me like he did or would again, no one would put up with my anxiety and depression.

There are days I think I wouldn't feel so anxious or depressed if I hadn't stayed with him, if he hadn't behaved the way he did, could be wrong though!

I almost contacted him tonight because I needed no I wanted him to tell me it wasn't anything I did or didn't do, I wanted reassurance from him, again old behaviours. I didn't I knew the end result and that wouldn't be good for me.

Redatlanta, there are days I think I would take him back then other days I never want to see or hear from him again. And yes I did everything to try and appease him, as I said to Maia about being addicted to him, I turned myself inside out trying to make him happy because I beleived it was my fault, any wonder I have no idea who i am now and don't like myself much and there lies the problem I don't know how to love myself, I haven't liked who I am or my life for a very long time but kept trying to tell myself, if I do x,y & z it will be ok.

LexieCat

It was really hard for me to "find myself" after my last breakup--I'd never been alone long enough to really do that.

One way I started was listening to music. I found a couple of albums my kids had liked and discovered *I* really liked them, too! So, without regard to what anyone else thought, I started exploring different music. Some I liked, and some I didn't. Some of my favorite bands were from an era when I wasn't listening to anything but the music OTHER people had convinced me was good.

BTW, it turns out I have extremely eclectic taste in music. People laugh when they hear what concerts I'm going to. OK by me, I like what I like.

You might be very surprised and pleased by what you find as you get to know yourself!

maia1234

What I found out after I left my XAH, was that they make you feel so insecure. Its like they dangle themselves in front of you so you need them. Its so hard to be doing the same thing over and over and try and change. You are like running on a treadmill as fast as you can, and not going any where.

Butterfly, I hate the fact that I am not married to my sole mate, the man I love and still love. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, happily. But it was never going to happen as I tried for so long accepting his inappropriate behavior towards me. I see it now, how horrible I was being treated.

My X wished me happy valentines day, and told me how lonely and depressed he was. This is the first time that he is acknowledging his life isn't so perfect. It will only get worse, and that is what he need to see. He would never had hit this point if I had not divorced him and sent him on his way to fend for himself. I know you know that, but kind of need a booster shot every couple weeks!! You can do this.

cookiesncream

You've been given lots of great advice. I'll just say this as food for thought. Look we addicts come up with a pile of reasons to drink. Pick them apart and individually they all have merit. The fact of the matter is that if we are drinking because we are lonely, sad, mad, angry, etc, etc drinking is a mal-adaptive coping mechanism and this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I'm quite sure you are not a perfect person, few people are. List all of the reasons he gave you for drinking and I'll guarantee you that you'll find another person who has experienced the exact same feelings and handled them in other healthier ways. His drinking is not your fault no matter what you have done or didn't do. I know you're really struggling right now and my heart hurts for you. I wish you peace and strength in your struggle for acceptance so you can go on with your life.

Thomas45

My ex wife made me reaffirm to her on a weekly basis that we would stay together forever.

In the middle of November, she made me say it again.

On November 30th, she came home from the club after sleeping with a stranger, and told me that our marriage was over.

The things that alcoholics do and say aren't to make other people feel better, they're to make themselves feel better. And just for clarification, my ex wife was a binge drinker too.