Acheleus

I am five months sober. I broke up with my alcoholic gf. We met in AA she was years sober and I was new to recovery. I had to break up with her to protect my sobriety. The day after I break up she calls and wants to work things out. She proceeds to blame me for everything. I do this. I do that. It was a one sided conversation. So the next day I am busy and I can't call her until later in the day. She just acts mean to me and says I am never there for her. I told her if she needed something to let me know. I hung up and have not called her nor heard from her. I feel disgusted with myself for missing someone who doesn't care about me. I talked to my sponsor. I said I want to be a year sober before I date people. Does anyone have any idea why I feel paralyzed and sick? I feel like I dont want to live and I just want to drink myself into oblivion. Please help

Katchie

There will be others around here with more experience than me, but i do want to say that you handled yourself well. You are right to want to protect your sobriety. It is good action that you have taken for yourself.

I'm glad you have a sponsor to talk to about this. Do you have any other support?

I'm so sorry you're hurting, but falling off the wagon will make matters worse for you. Stick tight to your program and keep reaching out.

Hugs

Dee74

Breakups are painful for everyone I think ach - regardless of whether you're an alcoholic or not.

It takes time to get over the end of a relationship, even the ones that we end by our own volition.

Be kind to yourself and lean on all the support you have.

D

FeelingGreat

Hi Acheleus, I'm so sorry you're feeling hopeless and sad. I wish we could link our rational minds to our emotions so we could just stop loving someone who we know is bad news, but it might take a while for your feelings to catch up with your brain.
It's not clear to me whether she's drinking again, but she sounds like bad news sober. The easiest way to get over her is to go no-contact (NC). The phone calls, texts etc are just stringing you along.
You've got great self-esteem and the ability to put your sobriety first. Congratulate yourself on that, because it takes a lot of strength to part with someone we love. I certainly failed that test at one point in my life, I was so needy.
Can I suggest you talk to a doctor about tiding this period over with anti-depressants if he/she thinks it appropriate? It's not forever, but it can get you though a rough patch and protect your sobriety.
I have so much admiration for your strength.

Hammer

Sure.

You have experienced a Vampire.

They will suck down and destroy your soul.

If you let them.

But this is not a problem between you and the Vampire.

This is a(nother of many you will find that is a) problem between you and God.

I would recommend you seek God, while God may be found, and get back on the path.

How are your Steps doing?

LexieCat

Agree with the others. Her behavior in dating a newcomer is appalling. I think you now see how the "no dating the first year" is a good idea. Breakups are hard for anyone, but when you're new to sobriety, emotions are hard to manage. That was the very HARDEST part of early sobriety for me--what to do when strong emotions hit. And of course, dating relationships aren't the only source of stress--married people have to navigate their relationship with their spouses, people have relationships with families, coworkers, friends, etc., but new relationships often have their ups and downs and many don't make it for the long term. So it's one of those minefields best avoided.

Keep talking to your sponsor, and if you've been going to the same meetings as your ex, find some new ones--at least until you're feeling stronger.

And protect that sobriety at ALL costs. You can get through this. You really can. And in my experience, each time I got through a difficult situation without a drink, I got stronger, better at using my AA "toolkit", and the next time was easier.

sugarbear1

be careful, 13 steppers come in all shapes and sizes and can be male or female....hopefully she didn't suck money out of you...

you can get past this. focus on your sobriety and wait to get to know someone

feelings change, go help someone else who is newer than you

Seren

Congratulations on your clean time, Achelus! That is a remarkable accomplishment!!

I don't think I can add anything to what the others have said. Just know that breakups are going to hurt...and feeling pain is OK (I mean, it's not fun, but it doesn't kill us). I promise that the pain will fade with each passing day. Please use all your supports now and protect your sobriety because you are worth it!

Acheleus

Thank you all. She drinks and it hurts me to see her hurt herself. It hurts me that I care about someone who never really cared about me at all. She has sounded angry and demon like lately but I have gone no contact. She has left me alone so that is good. I'm sure she cheated on me and that is why I had to protect my sobriety because if I get too hurt I will try to soothe the pain with alcohol. Called my sponsor and heading to a meeting later. Thank you for the advice. I Feel sick inside like I don't matter at all.

NYCDoglvr

Congratulations on five months and having the courage to ask for help. There's a great AA saying: "having a relationship is like pouring Miracle Grow on your character defects". I've been sober a long time and can tell you many stories. When getting sober, or even after considerable time, it's not uncommon for recovering alcoholics to pick the opposite sex as a drug because we instinctively gravitate to anything that takes us out of ourselves. Does the obsessional thinking seem familiar? It's how we perceived alcohol before, the same dynamic (that's why Alanon, the program for codependents, uses the 12 Steps). The advice to avoid new relationships in the first year is very sound because it takes a good time to feel comfortable in our own skins and few things generate strong emotions like romantic entanglements.

So see her as simply another drug and stop seeing her one day at a time. Talk to your sponsor and go to more meetings. Your instincts are right on! A big hug

ShootingStar1

Aeschlus, you matter a whole lot to people who are sober and real enough to relate to other real people.

She just doesn't sound like one of those people. It doesn't mean she never cared about you. What I finally came to understand, now 2.5 years out of my 20 year marriage to an alcoholic emotionally abusive man, is that he loved me the best he could.

It wasn't my fault that that didn't give me enough sustenance to live on. It just was the way it was. Like you, I had to choose my own self preservation over staying with him.

Now, 2.5 years out, I am so so so much happier. And it starts with myself. Having that much time alone has been a godsend to me. It hasn't been easy, but the self searching and the self growth that results has made life so much better for me.

I'd suggest finding people who are healthy and striving to grow, people who are self aware and mature enough to truly value the others in their lives. Not dating, but friendships.

Hang in here, we're all with you,

ShootingStar1

Jane11

Hi acheleus, I don't really have anything else to add that hasn't been said but just wanted to say congratulations on your sobriety period- that is really awesome and I hope you can continue onwards even with this emotional set back. You sound like you are a strong person, taking the right steps of NC, a meeting, speaking to your sponsor and that's great.

It hurts like hell to invest time and love and yourself in a person and not feel like they have invested the same, but it gets better, and the most important thing is you and your health and sobriety. If she didn't respect that the sad fact is she's not worth having in your life, but when the time is right for you I am sure you will find someone who is right for you and will respect and admire you for who you are and what you have achieved- that person will be worth the wait.

Stay strong