Mind is racing trying to come to terms with this
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Hey girlie-- I didn't read the previous posts, but I'm sure you got some good input.
I just wanted to remind you to look back through your threads....please.
I have to do that sometimes when I think that things "aren't that bad".
They ARE. They WERE.
ok...now... having said that...take a deep breath....and picture this:
You, butterfly, allow yourself to go through this grieving process without turning back. You wake up one day, stretch, pull back the curtains, walk into the bathroom and realize that you have a beautiful glow to your face. You think long and hard about it and realize that you haven't thought about him in ....well damn.. you can't even remember when. You smile at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you love you--- and YOU MEAN IT! YOU FEEL IT! YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE!
Okay..this senario is NOT far fetched. It's coming for you girlie.. and you need to run after it with all you have and as fast as you can.
Allow the process to run it's due course, but don't look back with regret. Ok?
Please don't look back with regret. You have done so well and I am so proud of you. I admire you so much. I have told you that before.
hugs and a million more hugs. You are going to make it. I know you will.
I just wanted to remind you to look back through your threads....please.
I have to do that sometimes when I think that things "aren't that bad".
They ARE. They WERE.
ok...now... having said that...take a deep breath....and picture this:
You, butterfly, allow yourself to go through this grieving process without turning back. You wake up one day, stretch, pull back the curtains, walk into the bathroom and realize that you have a beautiful glow to your face. You think long and hard about it and realize that you haven't thought about him in ....well damn.. you can't even remember when. You smile at yourself in the mirror, tell yourself you love you--- and YOU MEAN IT! YOU FEEL IT! YOU KNOW IT TO BE TRUE!
Okay..this senario is NOT far fetched. It's coming for you girlie.. and you need to run after it with all you have and as fast as you can.
Allow the process to run it's due course, but don't look back with regret. Ok?
Please don't look back with regret. You have done so well and I am so proud of you. I admire you so much. I have told you that before.
hugs and a million more hugs. You are going to make it. I know you will.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
I am not familiar with your situation at all but I feel very sad when I read your original post. I keep hearing you say in different ways...."Maybe it was my fault in some way", "Maybe it wasn't so bad", or, in general, "What is wrong with ME that he drank?"
There is NO WAY it was your fault and I don't even know you. It is the same way women think men who hit them are doing something to make them hit them. No, the guy can walk away if he gets that angry. As someone else said above, all of us have problems and relationship issues but we don't solve them by drinking/drugs. They have a problem and you are not less for not wanting to deal with the fallout from his drinking.
A word about binge drinking. My son is a binge drug user and so I get some of your confusion. I think the binge drinking makes things even harder. At least when they are drinking/doing drugs regularly you KNOW they are. When they binge, it is like there is this honeymoom period for a time and you hope against hope that maybe this is the time they quit for good. But nope, some problem comes up and they are at it again...if they ever really stopped. You don't really know for sure about that either. It's a mess because during their good periods you, once again, see their good qualities and start to hope just a wee bit. It is a really hard situation. But, what I have found in my son's case, is look at time overall. Look at YEARS and I see he has steadily gone down over years. You'd think during the good times that things would progressively get better and maybe there is a short 'better' but it never lasts. Over the years it gets progressively worse.
Just hang in there and try not to blame yourself. Even if you would have done everything perfect that one can do in a relationship it wouldn't have changed anything really. It sounds like he just has a lot of excuses (like they all do). "If only you would or wouldn't have done this or that...I wouldn't have drank." Give me a freaking break!!! Do they really think we fall for that stuff? Geez.
Hugs, Kari
There is NO WAY it was your fault and I don't even know you. It is the same way women think men who hit them are doing something to make them hit them. No, the guy can walk away if he gets that angry. As someone else said above, all of us have problems and relationship issues but we don't solve them by drinking/drugs. They have a problem and you are not less for not wanting to deal with the fallout from his drinking.
A word about binge drinking. My son is a binge drug user and so I get some of your confusion. I think the binge drinking makes things even harder. At least when they are drinking/doing drugs regularly you KNOW they are. When they binge, it is like there is this honeymoom period for a time and you hope against hope that maybe this is the time they quit for good. But nope, some problem comes up and they are at it again...if they ever really stopped. You don't really know for sure about that either. It's a mess because during their good periods you, once again, see their good qualities and start to hope just a wee bit. It is a really hard situation. But, what I have found in my son's case, is look at time overall. Look at YEARS and I see he has steadily gone down over years. You'd think during the good times that things would progressively get better and maybe there is a short 'better' but it never lasts. Over the years it gets progressively worse.
Just hang in there and try not to blame yourself. Even if you would have done everything perfect that one can do in a relationship it wouldn't have changed anything really. It sounds like he just has a lot of excuses (like they all do). "If only you would or wouldn't have done this or that...I wouldn't have drank." Give me a freaking break!!! Do they really think we fall for that stuff? Geez.
Hugs, Kari
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you Lexie, miai, cookies and Thomas.
Finding myself is hard who am I what do I like who am I and its scary. Good for you with the music Lexie, Recently ive been trying to find music that isn't about fighting for love or heartbreak or something else to do with relationships. I've discovered that most of my music has some remants of this, I'm a hopeless romantic and always thought when listening to these songs why can't he fight for me for us for the life he says he wants, maybe that's why I liked it so much. Sometimes I just want to listen to music not about love or sadness I want to listen to something that I can sing at the top of my lungs and feel happy about!! So any suggestions would be appreciated lol
Miai yes I always felt so insecure with him, scared he would leave me, all the problems were my doing running about making sure he was ok. That said he said that when I wasn't feeling great that he felt responsible and constantly asking if I was ok, asking but not doing anything and I didn't feel I could talk to him honestly I always held back a little.
Thomas, I was the insecure one needing reassurance that he wouldn't leave me he only wanted reassurance that I wasn't going to leave when he went on a bender or felt guilty for drinking until he passed out the night before. Him feeling guilty was cause he knew I would be angry apparently!!
Cookies your right he used drinking as his coping mechanism, he tried other ways but always resorted to drink, according to him it helped him think things through. i remember last year when he gave up for a month to detox that there were days he was in such bad form I knew he wanted a drink, he even said how good he felt a month not drinking and might do another month, I actually believed him, end of January came and he was straight back on the drink!!
Finding myself is hard who am I what do I like who am I and its scary. Good for you with the music Lexie, Recently ive been trying to find music that isn't about fighting for love or heartbreak or something else to do with relationships. I've discovered that most of my music has some remants of this, I'm a hopeless romantic and always thought when listening to these songs why can't he fight for me for us for the life he says he wants, maybe that's why I liked it so much. Sometimes I just want to listen to music not about love or sadness I want to listen to something that I can sing at the top of my lungs and feel happy about!! So any suggestions would be appreciated lol
Miai yes I always felt so insecure with him, scared he would leave me, all the problems were my doing running about making sure he was ok. That said he said that when I wasn't feeling great that he felt responsible and constantly asking if I was ok, asking but not doing anything and I didn't feel I could talk to him honestly I always held back a little.
Thomas, I was the insecure one needing reassurance that he wouldn't leave me he only wanted reassurance that I wasn't going to leave when he went on a bender or felt guilty for drinking until he passed out the night before. Him feeling guilty was cause he knew I would be angry apparently!!
Cookies your right he used drinking as his coping mechanism, he tried other ways but always resorted to drink, according to him it helped him think things through. i remember last year when he gave up for a month to detox that there were days he was in such bad form I knew he wanted a drink, he even said how good he felt a month not drinking and might do another month, I actually believed him, end of January came and he was straight back on the drink!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Free, thank you your post made me smile 
. I really hope and want to be the person you described in your post some day. One thing I do know is that I don't want to go back and even when he was saying he wanted to come home or I was saying I wanted him home it was always he has to get sober!! That was the one thing I was determined about I was not going back to that life despite how much I love him and wanted him home it wasn't like that. I am going to write your post in my journal and read it and imagine the day I feel that way.
. I really hope and want to be the person you described in your post some day. One thing I do know is that I don't want to go back and even when he was saying he wanted to come home or I was saying I wanted him home it was always he has to get sober!! That was the one thing I was determined about I was not going back to that life despite how much I love him and wanted him home it wasn't like that. I am going to write your post in my journal and read it and imagine the day I feel that way.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He did leave because of you, you get in the way of HIS DRINKING!!!!!
Doesn't mean you are a bad person you are just a hindrance in HIS mind but you know HIS mind isn't in reality.
Don't internalize it.
Doesn't mean you are a bad person you are just a hindrance in HIS mind but you know HIS mind isn't in reality.
Don't internalize it.
Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Ok so lately I keep going back to my default setting, he didn't leave to drink he left because of me!!
I read posts here and think he wasn't as bad as that or he didn't put me through that maybe I made a bigger deal of his drinking than it was. Maybe I don't belong here, maybe he's not an alcoholic!!!
As I've said before he didn't drink every night or weekend he was a binge drinker. He was a lot worse when we first met after the honeymoon period, then he was like many partners here, aggressive disappearing for days on end to drink and take drugs then we separated and he quit but wasn't long before he started again but never to the level he was initially. There were periods when his drinking was bad then periods he hardly drank.
I think for me why I find it so hard to accept that he left so he can drink unrestricted is that it was so sudden. We were great at Christmas certainly no drinking the next day, then his uncle became really ill and bam his drinking escalated then he left. I know I've said this before but he bought me an eternity ring at Christmas saying about it being a symbol that we will be together forever, we were selling our house the suddenly he's left, no warnings and now he's not in love with me as he says how can he be if he won't get help.
I keep thinking was I making more of his drinking than it really was was my anxiety and insecurity causing problems when there wasn't any based on what happened in the past. Or was he trying to be someone he wasn't during the times he hardly drank.
I know a lot of this is repeating previous posts but my head is swimming with these thoughts. I know I wasn't perfect, I was controlling trying to stop him from drinking with certain people just because I knew the state he would get in and the person he became when drinking with them, I tried to control his drinking. I know he said things like he drank so much as he didn't know when he would be able to have another drink, that was down to me because I was so anxious, was I not able to let go of the past??
I always thought he chose his family and friends over me when he left on other occasions but he admitted it was his place to drink he was protecting but maybe if I'd not been as controlling he wouldn't have felt the need. Twice when he left I had a breakdown maybe he only came back because I did that.
Sorry my mind is all over the place and I can't make sense of what's going through my head!!
I read posts here and think he wasn't as bad as that or he didn't put me through that maybe I made a bigger deal of his drinking than it was. Maybe I don't belong here, maybe he's not an alcoholic!!!
As I've said before he didn't drink every night or weekend he was a binge drinker. He was a lot worse when we first met after the honeymoon period, then he was like many partners here, aggressive disappearing for days on end to drink and take drugs then we separated and he quit but wasn't long before he started again but never to the level he was initially. There were periods when his drinking was bad then periods he hardly drank.
I think for me why I find it so hard to accept that he left so he can drink unrestricted is that it was so sudden. We were great at Christmas certainly no drinking the next day, then his uncle became really ill and bam his drinking escalated then he left. I know I've said this before but he bought me an eternity ring at Christmas saying about it being a symbol that we will be together forever, we were selling our house the suddenly he's left, no warnings and now he's not in love with me as he says how can he be if he won't get help.
I keep thinking was I making more of his drinking than it really was was my anxiety and insecurity causing problems when there wasn't any based on what happened in the past. Or was he trying to be someone he wasn't during the times he hardly drank.
I know a lot of this is repeating previous posts but my head is swimming with these thoughts. I know I wasn't perfect, I was controlling trying to stop him from drinking with certain people just because I knew the state he would get in and the person he became when drinking with them, I tried to control his drinking. I know he said things like he drank so much as he didn't know when he would be able to have another drink, that was down to me because I was so anxious, was I not able to let go of the past??
I always thought he chose his family and friends over me when he left on other occasions but he admitted it was his place to drink he was protecting but maybe if I'd not been as controlling he wouldn't have felt the need. Twice when he left I had a breakdown maybe he only came back because I did that.
Sorry my mind is all over the place and I can't make sense of what's going through my head!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
What's playing on my mind at the minute is that when he told me he was leaving he said it was because he wanted to do what he wants and be on his own, I asked if it was to do with drink because 2 weeks previous when he left and came back he said I can't believe I almost chose drink over you, and he said, I don't know then said he wanted to drink when he wants. Maybe he used drink as his excuse!! I can't seem to get off this train of thought, maybe by resorting to thinking this is my fault I can change it, fix it change me but I know deep down its not me maybe it's just easier to believe rather than believing that someone would walk out on their family to drink yet it happens. Everyone here is proof of that.
Arghhhhh I seem to have slipped back into denial stage
Arghhhhh I seem to have slipped back into denial stage
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Well, regardless of why he chose to leave, he made that choice and he told you that being able to drink when he wants is more important than keeping the relationship together. That should speak volumes.
I can't speak for everyone here, Butterfly, but I can say that I get my fair share of emotional days too. I start thinking about things that I perhaps did wrong in the relationship that caused it to deteriorate, and start the cycle of self-blame. And you know what? There were things that I could have done better, I'll admit that. But you know what else? EVERYONE makes mistakes in relationships... and the kind of mistakes that responsible, loving partners make are the kinds of mistakes that should be easily forgiven, and shouldn't be a great burden on the relationship. A lot of the mistakes we made were done with good intentions towards our partners. That's true for enablers, true for codies, and true for people who yell and scream for our partners to put the bottle down. Were our actions always right? No. But did we do them in the name of love? Heck yeah.
I'll tell you a story that I experienced, where I've caught myself blaming MYSELF for what happened.
I remember about a month after I got married, my (now) ex wife and I had an argument and she stopped talking to me except when she wanted to continue the argument. She was going out to her friend's house a lot to drink and gamble with her friends, and one night she called me, dead drunk, sweet as can be, and asked me to come pick her up. I was leery of going because we still hadn't solved our problems, but I went anyway because I figured that was the right thing to do as a good husband.
When I got there, she was almost falling off her chair but she seemed genuinely happy to see me. Lovey dovey, very attached. I got her up, carried her to the truck, and started driving home. Halfway home, she snapped out of it in an instant, and started demanding that I take her back to her friend's house, saying she doesn't want to go home, she doesn't want to be around me, **** me, why am I driving her home? I calmly explained that she asked me to pick her up, she had no recollection. She got quite angry. I said I wasn't going to drive her back, because her friends had wanted me to take her home due to her extreme drunkenness.
When we pulled in to our driveway, she wouldn't get out of the truck. She wanted to discuss our argument more, at 3am in our driveway. I told her that we could talk when we got in the house, but that I didn't want to discuss it outside where we'd be waking up the neighbors. I told her that I would talk but I didn't want to fight. It took me almost 10 minutes to get her to come out of the truck and make our way to the house. On the way to the door, she saw our downstairs neighbor's baby stroller. She didn't like our neighbors because they would ask us (quite politely) to be more quiet at night time so that their baby can sleep, as my ex wife enjoyed having company over which involved drinking, loud music, and lots of people running around upstairs.
She spat on the baby stroller, 3 times. When I got the door open, she walked in, saw my cat, and kicked it in the stomach. After seeing that, I said to her, "Okay, I can see that you want to fight already, so I'm going to bed. We can talk when you wake up in the morning." She started yelling obscenities at me. I went to the bedroom and locked our bedroom door, to try to keep some separation between us because I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to get another drunken rant that would keep me up until sunrise.
She started kicking and punching the bedroom door. She threatened to call the police and tell them that I hit her, and get them to take me to jail (which she did with her previous husband) if I didn't open the bedroom door. When I didn't open the door, she went outside the house, picked up a lawn chair, and smashed open our bedroom window, sending glass shards everywhere inside and outside the house. She did that in her bare feet, stepping on the glass. Fortunately there were metal bars on the inside of the window, or she would have cut herself even more trying to climb in. I ran outside and took the chair out of her hands, then locked the door to the house and called the police.
They put her in handcuffs and sat her down on the front steps of our house to talk her down, and they told me that I should get in the truck and drive somewhere to sleep for the night. Since she hadn't technically committed a crime, they couldn't put her in the drunk tank, and they didn't want to be responsible for her well-being by taking her to her friend's house and risk having her wander away when they dropped her off. I ended up driving to a park and sleeping in my truck, waking up every few hours to turn the engine on and heat the cab up.
And you know what? I blamed myself for this episode. "Maybe I shouldn't have picked her up, everything would be fine." "Maybe I should have driven her back to her friend's house and let her sleep there." "Maybe I should have let her rant at me in the driveway at 3am." "Maybe I was being selfish and using the fact that she kicked my cat as an excuse to lock her out of the bedroom so I could get some sleep." "Maybe if I didn't call the police I wouldn't have been sleeping in my truck, and we would have talked through our problems." "If I hadn't driven her home, I wouldn't have to pay a $300 vet bill to get my cat checked out."
When I sit down and really think about it, it seems absolutely insane that I would blame myself for that episode, and yet that's what abusive relationships do to you. They bring up doubts and fears in you that are simply beyond logic or reason. Everything I did in that circumstance was with the best of intentions at the time, and YES, perhaps there were things I could have done better, but at the end of the day, I wasn't the person who was acting recklessly and irresponsibly.
I can't speak for everyone here, Butterfly, but I can say that I get my fair share of emotional days too. I start thinking about things that I perhaps did wrong in the relationship that caused it to deteriorate, and start the cycle of self-blame. And you know what? There were things that I could have done better, I'll admit that. But you know what else? EVERYONE makes mistakes in relationships... and the kind of mistakes that responsible, loving partners make are the kinds of mistakes that should be easily forgiven, and shouldn't be a great burden on the relationship. A lot of the mistakes we made were done with good intentions towards our partners. That's true for enablers, true for codies, and true for people who yell and scream for our partners to put the bottle down. Were our actions always right? No. But did we do them in the name of love? Heck yeah.
I'll tell you a story that I experienced, where I've caught myself blaming MYSELF for what happened.
I remember about a month after I got married, my (now) ex wife and I had an argument and she stopped talking to me except when she wanted to continue the argument. She was going out to her friend's house a lot to drink and gamble with her friends, and one night she called me, dead drunk, sweet as can be, and asked me to come pick her up. I was leery of going because we still hadn't solved our problems, but I went anyway because I figured that was the right thing to do as a good husband.
When I got there, she was almost falling off her chair but she seemed genuinely happy to see me. Lovey dovey, very attached. I got her up, carried her to the truck, and started driving home. Halfway home, she snapped out of it in an instant, and started demanding that I take her back to her friend's house, saying she doesn't want to go home, she doesn't want to be around me, **** me, why am I driving her home? I calmly explained that she asked me to pick her up, she had no recollection. She got quite angry. I said I wasn't going to drive her back, because her friends had wanted me to take her home due to her extreme drunkenness.
When we pulled in to our driveway, she wouldn't get out of the truck. She wanted to discuss our argument more, at 3am in our driveway. I told her that we could talk when we got in the house, but that I didn't want to discuss it outside where we'd be waking up the neighbors. I told her that I would talk but I didn't want to fight. It took me almost 10 minutes to get her to come out of the truck and make our way to the house. On the way to the door, she saw our downstairs neighbor's baby stroller. She didn't like our neighbors because they would ask us (quite politely) to be more quiet at night time so that their baby can sleep, as my ex wife enjoyed having company over which involved drinking, loud music, and lots of people running around upstairs.
She spat on the baby stroller, 3 times. When I got the door open, she walked in, saw my cat, and kicked it in the stomach. After seeing that, I said to her, "Okay, I can see that you want to fight already, so I'm going to bed. We can talk when you wake up in the morning." She started yelling obscenities at me. I went to the bedroom and locked our bedroom door, to try to keep some separation between us because I just wanted to sleep. I didn't want to get another drunken rant that would keep me up until sunrise.
She started kicking and punching the bedroom door. She threatened to call the police and tell them that I hit her, and get them to take me to jail (which she did with her previous husband) if I didn't open the bedroom door. When I didn't open the door, she went outside the house, picked up a lawn chair, and smashed open our bedroom window, sending glass shards everywhere inside and outside the house. She did that in her bare feet, stepping on the glass. Fortunately there were metal bars on the inside of the window, or she would have cut herself even more trying to climb in. I ran outside and took the chair out of her hands, then locked the door to the house and called the police.
They put her in handcuffs and sat her down on the front steps of our house to talk her down, and they told me that I should get in the truck and drive somewhere to sleep for the night. Since she hadn't technically committed a crime, they couldn't put her in the drunk tank, and they didn't want to be responsible for her well-being by taking her to her friend's house and risk having her wander away when they dropped her off. I ended up driving to a park and sleeping in my truck, waking up every few hours to turn the engine on and heat the cab up.
And you know what? I blamed myself for this episode. "Maybe I shouldn't have picked her up, everything would be fine." "Maybe I should have driven her back to her friend's house and let her sleep there." "Maybe I should have let her rant at me in the driveway at 3am." "Maybe I was being selfish and using the fact that she kicked my cat as an excuse to lock her out of the bedroom so I could get some sleep." "Maybe if I didn't call the police I wouldn't have been sleeping in my truck, and we would have talked through our problems." "If I hadn't driven her home, I wouldn't have to pay a $300 vet bill to get my cat checked out."
When I sit down and really think about it, it seems absolutely insane that I would blame myself for that episode, and yet that's what abusive relationships do to you. They bring up doubts and fears in you that are simply beyond logic or reason. Everything I did in that circumstance was with the best of intentions at the time, and YES, perhaps there were things I could have done better, but at the end of the day, I wasn't the person who was acting recklessly and irresponsibly.
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you Thomas.
I have turned myself inside out trying to change myself, make compromises with his drinking and friends so he would come home, trying to please him. I don't even know who I am anymore. I do believe that everything I did was with the best intentions of trying to save my marriage, I wish I had found this site years sooner to learn the coping strategies and detach and not believe it was personal. Processing all the hurt is hard and I guess that's the core of my hurt that he chose drink rather than seek help, he gave up!!
I have turned myself inside out trying to change myself, make compromises with his drinking and friends so he would come home, trying to please him. I don't even know who I am anymore. I do believe that everything I did was with the best intentions of trying to save my marriage, I wish I had found this site years sooner to learn the coping strategies and detach and not believe it was personal. Processing all the hurt is hard and I guess that's the core of my hurt that he chose drink rather than seek help, he gave up!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
That's what you sound like. You want the drug so bad that your willing to jeopardize everything that you know, just to have some. Try and put it in that perspective, it is a poisonous apple that you can not touch.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hi Butterfly
I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel...
I really thought I was getting over XAH and hadn't heard from him for months and months. Then he sent me a sweet talking text 3 weeks ago. It brought everything back again but I did really well in not replying until last weekend when I got blotto on wine. I sent the most awful reply which basically left him in no doubt to never contact me again.
I wish I hadn't sent it. I wish I had continued to just ignore him and kept some shred of self respect and I am so ashamed of myself, but on reflection I won't hear from him ever again so maybe there is a silver lining to this!
I know you have the kids and its difficult to go completely no contact but I just wanted to let you know that the deep hurt will get better with time and having no contact does speed up the healing...
I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel...
I really thought I was getting over XAH and hadn't heard from him for months and months. Then he sent me a sweet talking text 3 weeks ago. It brought everything back again but I did really well in not replying until last weekend when I got blotto on wine. I sent the most awful reply which basically left him in no doubt to never contact me again.
I wish I hadn't sent it. I wish I had continued to just ignore him and kept some shred of self respect and I am so ashamed of myself, but on reflection I won't hear from him ever again so maybe there is a silver lining to this!
I know you have the kids and its difficult to go completely no contact but I just wanted to let you know that the deep hurt will get better with time and having no contact does speed up the healing...
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