need some advise
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
need some advise
Hi,
I need some advise. A friend of mine has been drinking for as long as I've known him ( 10 years) and for many years before - he's 49. That's basically what he lives for. He actually works sometimes for me and when he's starts getting too hungover or sneaking beers while working, I just sgut the job down. I can't deal with it anymore - I've been through all kinds of crazy stuff with him over the ten years and now my fuse is very short. I am clean and sober and found that my own soberity has been at risk many times. Sometimes I have slipped because of this situation. But then I kicked him out for awhile and I'm healthy. I've really gotten tired of his ways, but he won't quit coming to my door.Anyways, to make a long story short, I told him to go live his life a couple of weeks ago. He has sled more, turning go buy cheap sherry that just knocks him out ! He came to my door a week ago, shaking like crazy, begging for $20. I gave it to him and told him it's the last time. I also said that he Desperately needed to dry out - that he needed to get his life together. He left. A couple of days later, I'm not sure if it was sherry or pills or both, but I guess he lost it and broke a door down to a neighbors and went nuts on the guy . I haven't heard the story yet from him, but I doubt he even remembers it. A friend of his said he was right out of it, making no sense. Anyways, the cops came, charged him with break and entry and a weapons charge. He's going to be calling me from jail today and I suspect he'll ask me to bail him out. I'm not sure what to do. Part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise for him and to say NO and leave him in there to dry out and let his brain clear. He'll probably do six months, but could be out on bail for a few months before sentencing, but I'm thinking of saying NO, I won't bail you out - DRY OUT there since you can't do it out here. Can anyone tell me what they think ? I know I have to make up my mind soon as I suspect I'll be getting a call within a few hours. Thank you
I need some advise. A friend of mine has been drinking for as long as I've known him ( 10 years) and for many years before - he's 49. That's basically what he lives for. He actually works sometimes for me and when he's starts getting too hungover or sneaking beers while working, I just sgut the job down. I can't deal with it anymore - I've been through all kinds of crazy stuff with him over the ten years and now my fuse is very short. I am clean and sober and found that my own soberity has been at risk many times. Sometimes I have slipped because of this situation. But then I kicked him out for awhile and I'm healthy. I've really gotten tired of his ways, but he won't quit coming to my door.Anyways, to make a long story short, I told him to go live his life a couple of weeks ago. He has sled more, turning go buy cheap sherry that just knocks him out ! He came to my door a week ago, shaking like crazy, begging for $20. I gave it to him and told him it's the last time. I also said that he Desperately needed to dry out - that he needed to get his life together. He left. A couple of days later, I'm not sure if it was sherry or pills or both, but I guess he lost it and broke a door down to a neighbors and went nuts on the guy . I haven't heard the story yet from him, but I doubt he even remembers it. A friend of his said he was right out of it, making no sense. Anyways, the cops came, charged him with break and entry and a weapons charge. He's going to be calling me from jail today and I suspect he'll ask me to bail him out. I'm not sure what to do. Part of me thinks this is a blessing in disguise for him and to say NO and leave him in there to dry out and let his brain clear. He'll probably do six months, but could be out on bail for a few months before sentencing, but I'm thinking of saying NO, I won't bail you out - DRY OUT there since you can't do it out here. Can anyone tell me what they think ? I know I have to make up my mind soon as I suspect I'll be getting a call within a few hours. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Good Morning...
I cannot tell you what to think because I am not you
If this were my friend I would not bail him out. He is in jail, if you are done then just be done. That does not mean you don't care for his well being, I am sure you always will, but at some point - enough is enough. Perhaps this trip to jail might be a blessing for him OR perhaps he will drink the minute he is out. But what HE does is HIS business, you can't control this.
What are YOUR boundaries?
Will YOU truly stick to them?
Have you prepared yourself just in case he does call you from jail?
Would you consider no contact?
Lots to think about....
Wish you all the best!
I cannot tell you what to think because I am not you
If this were my friend I would not bail him out. He is in jail, if you are done then just be done. That does not mean you don't care for his well being, I am sure you always will, but at some point - enough is enough. Perhaps this trip to jail might be a blessing for him OR perhaps he will drink the minute he is out. But what HE does is HIS business, you can't control this.
What are YOUR boundaries?
Will YOU truly stick to them?
Have you prepared yourself just in case he does call you from jail?
Would you consider no contact?
Lots to think about....
Wish you all the best!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
The first no is the hardest. Once you decide on it, be prepared to get some grief for it. But each time you speak your boundaries it gets a little easier and those that press will learn you are no longer an easy $20 or bail or a job to earn enough to drink...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Thank you for your thoughts. I know you can't make the decision, but I was just looking for different points of view from people who have had some experience in all this. I appreciate the input. And yes, he will be calling this morning, which is why I'm trying to figure exactly what to say to him. Thank you for your thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Sounds awful..so sorry this is going on, I know it makes you want to pull your hair out.
The above advice it good.
If you really care for this person, let them feel the consequences to his abuse. At least 6 mo. in jail you know he will be pretty safe from himself and yes, he will dry out. There will be a lot of time for him to reflect. The man is going to have to find the bottom of his barrel before he will decide to seek help for himself. Maybe this could turn into the bottom of the barrel, I don't know, only time will tell. One thing is for sure, it won't be the bottom if someone bails him out.
Just remember, he is not your responsibility. He is a grown man. He made this decision for himself.
The above advice it good.
If you really care for this person, let them feel the consequences to his abuse. At least 6 mo. in jail you know he will be pretty safe from himself and yes, he will dry out. There will be a lot of time for him to reflect. The man is going to have to find the bottom of his barrel before he will decide to seek help for himself. Maybe this could turn into the bottom of the barrel, I don't know, only time will tell. One thing is for sure, it won't be the bottom if someone bails him out.
Just remember, he is not your responsibility. He is a grown man. He made this decision for himself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
happycampers, I have had to tell my own son "NO". It was hard to do, but I did it out of what I knew was the best thing for his own benefit.
If he is EVER to consider sobriety...it will most likely come from feeling the natural consequences for his own actions.
Because he is in the full throes of his disease, I can almost guarantee you that he will be drunk within hours of release. He is probably in some l evel of withdrawl, right now, and the compulsion to drink will be overwhelming.
The way I look at it...the powers of the Universe can do m ore for h im, in the long run, than you have the ability to.
Good luck...I know how really hard this is....
dandylion
If he is EVER to consider sobriety...it will most likely come from feeling the natural consequences for his own actions.
Because he is in the full throes of his disease, I can almost guarantee you that he will be drunk within hours of release. He is probably in some l evel of withdrawl, right now, and the compulsion to drink will be overwhelming.
The way I look at it...the powers of the Universe can do m ore for h im, in the long run, than you have the ability to.
Good luck...I know how really hard this is....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Thank you all for your advise - it's all been great and in line with what my own inner voice has been saying to me since I found out. I guess I was just needing a bit of reassurance that I was going to be doing the best thing for him by saying NO and leaving him in there. Thank you all for your support !!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Ok. A few first things.
1) we never admonish or talk down to or criticize or
punish the alcoholic. They hate themselves enough already and that doesn't help us become the people we want to be.
2) we don't gossip about the alcoholic. It doesn't help their shame.
3) we don't allow others to burden us with gossip about the alcoholic. We don't need news reports; our own program and HP will tell us what to do.
So that's for starters.
Also, we tend to project into the future, what the A is going to do (call us to bail them out) because deep down inside we are addicted to the drama and then when they don't call, we're disappointed.
As for what to do? Of course in Alanon we don't give advice but but my experience is if I'm not helping someone grow, sometimes I have to step out of the way in silence.
Total silence.
So God can do His work.
Other times I can do a little something when I feel the time is right and it will be truly be helpful (give a ride to a right place or a warm meal etc.) But we have to have very good boundaries if we do this.
However the one thing we can always do is get out of ourselves and pray for the man who still suffers. That is often the most powerful thing we can do.
May God bless and keep you - and him.
1) we never admonish or talk down to or criticize or
punish the alcoholic. They hate themselves enough already and that doesn't help us become the people we want to be.
2) we don't gossip about the alcoholic. It doesn't help their shame.
3) we don't allow others to burden us with gossip about the alcoholic. We don't need news reports; our own program and HP will tell us what to do.
So that's for starters.
Also, we tend to project into the future, what the A is going to do (call us to bail them out) because deep down inside we are addicted to the drama and then when they don't call, we're disappointed.
As for what to do? Of course in Alanon we don't give advice but but my experience is if I'm not helping someone grow, sometimes I have to step out of the way in silence.
Total silence.
So God can do His work.
Other times I can do a little something when I feel the time is right and it will be truly be helpful (give a ride to a right place or a warm meal etc.) But we have to have very good boundaries if we do this.
However the one thing we can always do is get out of ourselves and pray for the man who still suffers. That is often the most powerful thing we can do.
May God bless and keep you - and him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
I do suspect a call because the jail called last night requesting it be OK for him to call me.
Two, I have NO desire for drama, which is why I have been pushing him away /keeping boundaries.
And, three, I totally agree that the best thing I can do for him is to pray and ask God to help him - I am powerless to do so and I have told him as much. It's up to him and his maker.
I will offer my help if he comes out and chooses the sober road - if not, there'll be no more "helping".
These are my thoughts right now. Thank you for your thoughts
Two, I have NO desire for drama, which is why I have been pushing him away /keeping boundaries.
And, three, I totally agree that the best thing I can do for him is to pray and ask God to help him - I am powerless to do so and I have told him as much. It's up to him and his maker.
I will offer my help if he comes out and chooses the sober road - if not, there'll be no more "helping".
These are my thoughts right now. Thank you for your thoughts
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
I feel I need to make my position clear to him instead of just avoiding him, which I find cowardly and mean. I'd rather be honest and upfront with where I stand - it's just the way I am. If he doesn't like what I have to say, that'll be for him to work with.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
happycampers...yes, a person always has the choice to verbalize a boundary or not.
It is totally a personal judgement call. (scenario dependent..LOL).
Be prepared that he will probably angry as hell.....
dandylion
It is totally a personal judgement call. (scenario dependent..LOL).
Be prepared that he will probably angry as hell.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
I'm totally OK with him being angry - it's just an adult - size temper tantrum and nothing to be afraid of. Maybe his anger will fire something else up within him - I don't know, but it's not my job to manage his emotions. I just need to be honest with myself first and to truthfully express it, regardless of his reaction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
Update:
Just wanted to tell everyone who helped me find clarity that day.
The man in question went to jail and yes, wanted me to bail him out and because he lost his apt. Because of his drunken behaviour, wanted me to move him into my building. I got some great advise here that I really needed and my stomache was just churning while he was pressuring me to bail him out. I initially said NO to bail because I didn't want to have to babysit him ( I met with his lawyer to understand what I would be taking on which was more than what my friend told me - I met the lawyer because I've learnt not to trust what comes out of his mouth) . I knew I would lose the bail $$$ too because one of the conditions was NO drinking or back to jail. Of course he said wouldn't, but I confronted him on that bs. So, once he figured out I wasn't going to, he said he would just serve his time . Then it was, well you can put me up in your building when I get out at least til I get on my feet and find a place. Initially, I said I would have to think about it and there could be NO drinking . He started making plans about what he could do with the space I have, re-doing it some.( he has worked for me on my building for nine years) . I could see what was going to happen - he would be on his best behaviour for about a week or less and then start drinking , hence my stress would start going up. He had tried to tell me that most of what happened the night was because he haven't slept in about six days and was starting to hear and see things. I , knowing not to trust his version of the story went to the apt. Building to speak with the guy who's door he kicked in to hear his side. Well, needless to say that was very enlightening !!!
After hearing the whole story of that night and a few other incidences that I never heard about, I KNEW there was no way I could have that chaos around me - I had him live in my building a few years back and it was pure hell until I finally kicked him out. So, I knew I wasn't prepared to turn my life and peace upside down again just to bail him out of his mess. So, when he called, I said NO you're not moving in because I had got the full story and I was healthy and didn't want that craziness around me. I also said that if he chose to drink when he got out , to NOT contact me when he got out. I was done with any kind of relationship as long as he drank. He said ok and I haven't heard from him since. I did say I would empty his apt. Out and put it in storage, which I now regret committing to, but I will do it since I have. It sure felt GREAT to say NO to all that craziness as I had enabled him for a very long time . I have gained such insight coming here and reading everyone's stories - it really helped me understand what I was doing,how unhealthy it was and how to get out of it! Thank You to all of you for the fabulous knowledge and experience I've learnt here!
Just wanted to tell everyone who helped me find clarity that day.
The man in question went to jail and yes, wanted me to bail him out and because he lost his apt. Because of his drunken behaviour, wanted me to move him into my building. I got some great advise here that I really needed and my stomache was just churning while he was pressuring me to bail him out. I initially said NO to bail because I didn't want to have to babysit him ( I met with his lawyer to understand what I would be taking on which was more than what my friend told me - I met the lawyer because I've learnt not to trust what comes out of his mouth) . I knew I would lose the bail $$$ too because one of the conditions was NO drinking or back to jail. Of course he said wouldn't, but I confronted him on that bs. So, once he figured out I wasn't going to, he said he would just serve his time . Then it was, well you can put me up in your building when I get out at least til I get on my feet and find a place. Initially, I said I would have to think about it and there could be NO drinking . He started making plans about what he could do with the space I have, re-doing it some.( he has worked for me on my building for nine years) . I could see what was going to happen - he would be on his best behaviour for about a week or less and then start drinking , hence my stress would start going up. He had tried to tell me that most of what happened the night was because he haven't slept in about six days and was starting to hear and see things. I , knowing not to trust his version of the story went to the apt. Building to speak with the guy who's door he kicked in to hear his side. Well, needless to say that was very enlightening !!!
After hearing the whole story of that night and a few other incidences that I never heard about, I KNEW there was no way I could have that chaos around me - I had him live in my building a few years back and it was pure hell until I finally kicked him out. So, I knew I wasn't prepared to turn my life and peace upside down again just to bail him out of his mess. So, when he called, I said NO you're not moving in because I had got the full story and I was healthy and didn't want that craziness around me. I also said that if he chose to drink when he got out , to NOT contact me when he got out. I was done with any kind of relationship as long as he drank. He said ok and I haven't heard from him since. I did say I would empty his apt. Out and put it in storage, which I now regret committing to, but I will do it since I have. It sure felt GREAT to say NO to all that craziness as I had enabled him for a very long time . I have gained such insight coming here and reading everyone's stories - it really helped me understand what I was doing,how unhealthy it was and how to get out of it! Thank You to all of you for the fabulous knowledge and experience I've learnt here!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
GOOD FOR YOU for standing your ground. I know it is difficult to do so.
Jail is not death. This man has been blessed with a great opportunity to get sober.
Please keep coming back, and congratulations on your clear thinking!
Jail is not death. This man has been blessed with a great opportunity to get sober.
Please keep coming back, and congratulations on your clear thinking!
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