need some advise
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Update : well, I can say progress has been made and I couldn't be happier!
After getting great advice from all of the wonderful people here, I gained a lot of clarity and made some firm decisions. The main being that I no longer wanted this person in my life and to let him go to live the life he chooses . So, while he was in jail , he would phone once a week til I finally said no more. I was honest with him and said that I could and would no longer have him in my life as his drinking just caused chaos for me and yet I respected his right to choose his own way. A respect for him and most importantly, a respect for myself and my own wellbeing. He called a few more times, but I never answered. Then a day before he was getting out, he called. I had cleaned his apt.out and had all of his stuff in my building , in storage, so I knew he would be calling to get some of his basics -clothes, etc.
I saw him the first day out at his buddies, drinking -surprise, surprise(he had been in jail and clean for 80 days) . I left within five minutes and just thanked my lucky stars I stuck to my guns and didn't allow him to move back into my building - he had been asking about that while in jail in our phone calls and I firmly said NO and NO to any kind of friendship when he was out ( we were more than friends a couple of years back, but I had already gotten out of that deep hole ). I made it clear that I had more than enough bs and chaos from the drinking to fill the rest of my life - I was NO longer going to provide anything - I was now a retired enabler ! It's takes a few times of hearing NO for them to really believe that this time, you really do mean it and there's no use going back because she's not going to give you anything , anymore. He phoned again, I ignored. Then a day later, he showed up at my door a 7:30am. asking to stay in a place I have "just" for a few days as he haven't found a place yet . I said NO to a place, NO to money , and NO to entering my own home. Two days, he returns to get some of his stuff and to tell me that he is in emergency shelter for a few weeks a half a block away. I was happy he gone a place and they always can when we don't bail them out. We chatted a bit, but again , after a couple of manipulating comments to see if he could hook back in, I made it clear AGAIN, that I wished him the best , but our ways are apart now. On the way out, he said he had a phone there and would I like his number. I said NO thanks. I think he's finally accepting my boundaries and getting the message that NO nice guy act is going to work anymore -I feel LIBERATED and so grateful to have that mess behind me ! So, thank you all for your words of wisdom- they truly helped guide me out of that mess and back to myself. I still read everyday on SR and have learnt so much from this site !
After getting great advice from all of the wonderful people here, I gained a lot of clarity and made some firm decisions. The main being that I no longer wanted this person in my life and to let him go to live the life he chooses . So, while he was in jail , he would phone once a week til I finally said no more. I was honest with him and said that I could and would no longer have him in my life as his drinking just caused chaos for me and yet I respected his right to choose his own way. A respect for him and most importantly, a respect for myself and my own wellbeing. He called a few more times, but I never answered. Then a day before he was getting out, he called. I had cleaned his apt.out and had all of his stuff in my building , in storage, so I knew he would be calling to get some of his basics -clothes, etc.
I saw him the first day out at his buddies, drinking -surprise, surprise(he had been in jail and clean for 80 days) . I left within five minutes and just thanked my lucky stars I stuck to my guns and didn't allow him to move back into my building - he had been asking about that while in jail in our phone calls and I firmly said NO and NO to any kind of friendship when he was out ( we were more than friends a couple of years back, but I had already gotten out of that deep hole ). I made it clear that I had more than enough bs and chaos from the drinking to fill the rest of my life - I was NO longer going to provide anything - I was now a retired enabler ! It's takes a few times of hearing NO for them to really believe that this time, you really do mean it and there's no use going back because she's not going to give you anything , anymore. He phoned again, I ignored. Then a day later, he showed up at my door a 7:30am. asking to stay in a place I have "just" for a few days as he haven't found a place yet . I said NO to a place, NO to money , and NO to entering my own home. Two days, he returns to get some of his stuff and to tell me that he is in emergency shelter for a few weeks a half a block away. I was happy he gone a place and they always can when we don't bail them out. We chatted a bit, but again , after a couple of manipulating comments to see if he could hook back in, I made it clear AGAIN, that I wished him the best , but our ways are apart now. On the way out, he said he had a phone there and would I like his number. I said NO thanks. I think he's finally accepting my boundaries and getting the message that NO nice guy act is going to work anymore -I feel LIBERATED and so grateful to have that mess behind me ! So, thank you all for your words of wisdom- they truly helped guide me out of that mess and back to myself. I still read everyday on SR and have learnt so much from this site !
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Another Update :
Well, after my friend got out of jail, he went and drank the same day. No change, but I wasn't expecting any - he was right on course again. He tried to get me plugged back in a few times, but I kept my shield up ! No way, I'm NOT travelling that road again - GO AWAY !! After a few attempts, he finally realized there was nothing here to get , so he stayed away and my life has calmed down immensely ! I can't believe just how much more peaceful my life is ! He has continued to drink. The other day, I was speaking with a friend on the bench and he came by and sat down. Sure enough , he followed me home , hoping I would give him some space to sleep. I never offered and quickly ended the conversation as quickly as possible, while still being respectful. He had been telling me had been really, really sick over the last month and I would say he is by the look of him . But I just thought " I'm NOT getting involved again !" . So, last night , I get a call from Emergency last night, looking for him. I guess I'm his contact person. I guess he was picked up on the side of the road by police and he was having a very hard time breathing. The doctor who called was very worried about him because he had run a bunch of tests and thought that maybe he had a clout in his lungs. The doctor went back to speak with him. But Tim had ripped out his IV and walked out of the hospital. So, the doctor was desperate to find him and asked for my help. He also said he would call the police to have him picked up if they could find him. I said that I hadn't seen him and didn't know where he was. I said it was good to have the police try and find him. I was in a bit of a dilemma after the call. Do I try to find him and if I do, what then ? Do I sit with him at the hospital ? Do I then need to visit him while he's in the hospital ? What havens when he gets out ? Isn't he then going to want to come back to my building ? I didn't know wether to get involved again or just let him go, even if it meant him dying. I don't know his " new drinking buddies" or where they live thankfully, but I did make one call to a friend who has known him longer than me and to who's place tim went to when he got out of jail. His friend told me he was exhausted by tim and didn't want him around anymore because he was rude, mean and obnoxious when he drank and that was always. He said stay away from him, you can't help him and only end up hurting yourself again. I had that feeling before the call , but the call confirmed that NO , I'm not going to get involved again. The police can find him or tim can decide if he wants to die on the streets or go back to the hospital. He did tell me last week that he knew he was very sick, but he didn't want help. He was ok to die now. So, I've decided to respect his decisions and stay out of his business. Best for both ! It is still incredibly sad though to see someone you care about kill themselves this way ! Which is why I came here this morning - just feel so sad for him and even though I feel horrible that he's alone and part of me wants to reach out and "help" him, I know that's not the right path, so I'll deal with my sadness and pray for him .
Well, after my friend got out of jail, he went and drank the same day. No change, but I wasn't expecting any - he was right on course again. He tried to get me plugged back in a few times, but I kept my shield up ! No way, I'm NOT travelling that road again - GO AWAY !! After a few attempts, he finally realized there was nothing here to get , so he stayed away and my life has calmed down immensely ! I can't believe just how much more peaceful my life is ! He has continued to drink. The other day, I was speaking with a friend on the bench and he came by and sat down. Sure enough , he followed me home , hoping I would give him some space to sleep. I never offered and quickly ended the conversation as quickly as possible, while still being respectful. He had been telling me had been really, really sick over the last month and I would say he is by the look of him . But I just thought " I'm NOT getting involved again !" . So, last night , I get a call from Emergency last night, looking for him. I guess I'm his contact person. I guess he was picked up on the side of the road by police and he was having a very hard time breathing. The doctor who called was very worried about him because he had run a bunch of tests and thought that maybe he had a clout in his lungs. The doctor went back to speak with him. But Tim had ripped out his IV and walked out of the hospital. So, the doctor was desperate to find him and asked for my help. He also said he would call the police to have him picked up if they could find him. I said that I hadn't seen him and didn't know where he was. I said it was good to have the police try and find him. I was in a bit of a dilemma after the call. Do I try to find him and if I do, what then ? Do I sit with him at the hospital ? Do I then need to visit him while he's in the hospital ? What havens when he gets out ? Isn't he then going to want to come back to my building ? I didn't know wether to get involved again or just let him go, even if it meant him dying. I don't know his " new drinking buddies" or where they live thankfully, but I did make one call to a friend who has known him longer than me and to who's place tim went to when he got out of jail. His friend told me he was exhausted by tim and didn't want him around anymore because he was rude, mean and obnoxious when he drank and that was always. He said stay away from him, you can't help him and only end up hurting yourself again. I had that feeling before the call , but the call confirmed that NO , I'm not going to get involved again. The police can find him or tim can decide if he wants to die on the streets or go back to the hospital. He did tell me last week that he knew he was very sick, but he didn't want help. He was ok to die now. So, I've decided to respect his decisions and stay out of his business. Best for both ! It is still incredibly sad though to see someone you care about kill themselves this way ! Which is why I came here this morning - just feel so sad for him and even though I feel horrible that he's alone and part of me wants to reach out and "help" him, I know that's not the right path, so I'll deal with my sadness and pray for him .
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You won't believe it ! I came out to get in my truck and there he was At the back of my building drinking a beer with an IV stem sticking out of his arm ! I asked what was up and then I told him I got the doctor call. He said he wants to die and I have heard that for awhile . I didn't have anything to say to him other than I said this was his life and his choices, which I respect. Then I left him to contemplate and drink his beer. The one thing that concerns me is he spent the rent money he had on drinking, is now homeless and I'm pretty sure he slept in my car last night. I didn't know it was unlocked ! Damn ! Now, I suspect he'll either go back to the hospital when he runs out of money or he'll be back tonight to sleep in my car . I'll check in the morning and cross that bridge then . I feel for him, but I also know that letting back into my life is just asking for chaos and frankly, I have other things of my own making on my plate !!
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Can I really be that cruel and lock him out of the only shelter he has ? He understands he can't come to my door , he understands how I can't get involved. I'm just not sure I can be that mean to someone I've known for a long time ! And the car is going to be towed away soon , so there is no harm that can bother me with it. I have a new truck now. IDK - I figure I'll cross that bridge tomorrow IF he ends up sleeping there tonight and doesn't go back to the hospital first, which I'm obviously hoping for.
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your car is not his ONLY source of shelter. don't go down that "i'm the only one" road. he managed to find BEER, right? so his priorities are clearly outlined.
you could call the DR and report that you have seen him in the area, he may then follow up with the police.
he HAS options. he's just playing on your sympathies. I know how cold that must sound.
you could call the DR and report that you have seen him in the area, he may then follow up with the police.
he HAS options. he's just playing on your sympathies. I know how cold that must sound.
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At the back of my building drinking a beer with an IV stem sticking out of his arm!
is now homeless
He said he wants to die
There was a discussion on another thread about "rock bottom" and it was mentioned that 1. we can never know what someone else's bottom will be 2. it's usually a lot lower than we can conceive and 3. some have no bottom, or their bottom is death.
This seems like a perfect example. Really sad for everyone involved. So sorry.
is now homeless
He said he wants to die
There was a discussion on another thread about "rock bottom" and it was mentioned that 1. we can never know what someone else's bottom will be 2. it's usually a lot lower than we can conceive and 3. some have no bottom, or their bottom is death.
This seems like a perfect example. Really sad for everyone involved. So sorry.
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Update : well, after locking the door to my car so he couldn't move in , he went to live under the bridge and proceeded to drink for 35 straight ! Anything he could get, beer when he got a gov't cheque and mouthwash in between ! I was going to the store last Thursday and saw him lying on the street with two women over. I automatically stopped. He was a complete mess ! One of the women was his probation officer who really likes him. We got him some food as he hasn't been eating and we then took him to the ER as he wasn't doing too well. While he was getting checked over, his probation officer and I got to talk. I didn't tell her some of the real serious things he had done in the past, but enough to let her know I didn't want to get sucked back into his nightmare of a life . I left and about three hours later I get a call from her saying that they wouldn't accept him because his BAC was a way too high for them. He told .721. She said he only one option - drunk tank for the night and asked if I would consider housing him one night . I said yes since he had already been in the drunk tank three times in the previous three weeks and that wasn't going to do anything for him. So, I picked him up and he spent the whole night vomiting - not a wink of sleep. I took him to the ER and on the way there, he asked if he could stay in a space I have in my building just til he gets a place - basically for 20 days. I said no initially, that I couldn't go through anymore of his drinking BS , etc. he promised to not drink while he was here. I said yes and if I smelt alcohol or saw alcohol I would have the police remove him immediately. He agreed. So, I drop him off to the hospital for them to detox him for four or five days. While, over the next couple of days, something happened that just brought up my complete lack of trust in him and my mind was racing again on his BS., so I went up and told him he could not stay at my building as I didn't trust him at all and I didn't need to have his nightmare back on my mind again! I then emailed his probation officer to tell her too , so she could start working on other arrangements. Like I said to him, I had only signed up to put him up for ONE night, not 20 and that my life is going great and I didn't need his crap taking me down again ! Of course, he tried to change my mind, but that wasn't going to happen! I told him he had other gov't options he and his PO could look into. He called again yesterday, probably to try and manipulate me before his check-out today, but I didn't answer. I think I finally got this wall nice and strong to protect my life from someone else's life decisions /chaos !
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You give him one day and that quickly will turn into 20 then 120 and a court ordered eviction proceeding by a judge 6 mos to a year later and plenty of $ you "might" be able to get rid of him. Think of that next time you cave and give him ONE day.
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Happycampers...you did the right thing. The right thing for BOTH of you.
There were no other options for you....no viable options, that is.
We mothers know how hard this is for you. You need emotional support....I sure hope that you are getting it.
I'm glad that you come here to post.....
dandylion
There were no other options for you....no viable options, that is.
We mothers know how hard this is for you. You need emotional support....I sure hope that you are getting it.
I'm glad that you come here to post.....
dandylion
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I saw him tonight and he says he is signed to go into a 21 rehab in one week and would I help him just til then. He knows I have a lot of room in my building. I said I would think about it. I thought about letting him sleep in a caddie I have back of my building. It's large and very comfortable - that way, he wouldn't Be IN my building. I'm confused again as to what I should do. Part of me says just stay out and another part says it's for a week and then he's in rehab . Man, Some part of me regrets stopping and picking him off the street the other day for the ER !!!
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I think you already know if you let him stay for one night, or whatever, even uncomfortable situation, but he has a roof over his head, it would be like trying to get rid of a cockroach. They don't leave. Stay strong.
amy
amy
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Thanks Amy, I needed to hear that ! I was just coming back here to type that I do know I need to keep him out of my space and my life until he walks the talk , if he ever does - at least six months sober !!! Til then, he needs to stay away from me ! Then I saw your post and it was like a confirmation of my own thoughts. I need to stay strong as I think he's out of the hospital tomorrow morning and will probably end up at my front door or walk in my store. It's not going to a pleasant conversation, but I must stay strong for myself. Man, I wish I had never stopped !!! Next time, I'll just turn my head and keep driving ! Here we go again, with his **** on my brain ! Stupid me - compassion is one thing, but compassion without common sense is stupid and I got caught up in the moment of need and forgot the last part !
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