Why do I even try?
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Why do I even try?
I told everyone here about how my family does not want to hear about abuse, and they still love my ex, and they think I am effed up. Well, I thought I got through all that. I thought they would stop idolizing him, and making me feel inferior.
So, today, I called my sister to make plans for the weekend. She starts telling me about this woman that she works with who is being abused. I thought she called me to ask me for information. She tells me this woman can't possible have it that bad because she saw her and her husband walking around in Walmart.
I tried to tell her that I was severely abused and I also walked around Walmart with my ex. It was during the "honeymoon" period, or "hoover" period when he was trying to "buy" me.
Her comment to me was she would give anything to have her husband walk around Walmart with her. I got a little p!ssed. I asked her if she would want to have a trip to the ER for half of your face swollen, a black and blue eye for over 2 months, just for him to do that with her?
Her response to me was that if he ever touched her she would just kick him in the b@lls.
She then continued on about how nice my ex was to me and how much more he did for me, then her husband does for her.
I need to stay off the phone, their are just some people who cannot be educated about Domestic Violence.
Sorry for the rant
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
So, today, I called my sister to make plans for the weekend. She starts telling me about this woman that she works with who is being abused. I thought she called me to ask me for information. She tells me this woman can't possible have it that bad because she saw her and her husband walking around in Walmart.
I tried to tell her that I was severely abused and I also walked around Walmart with my ex. It was during the "honeymoon" period, or "hoover" period when he was trying to "buy" me.
Her comment to me was she would give anything to have her husband walk around Walmart with her. I got a little p!ssed. I asked her if she would want to have a trip to the ER for half of your face swollen, a black and blue eye for over 2 months, just for him to do that with her?
Her response to me was that if he ever touched her she would just kick him in the b@lls.
She then continued on about how nice my ex was to me and how much more he did for me, then her husband does for her.
I need to stay off the phone, their are just some people who cannot be educated about Domestic Violence.
Sorry for the rant
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Oh I so feel you right now Amy- thank God for everyone here....sometimes I look at how ignorant people are to DV and it just blows my mind. They look at you like YOUR the one taking the crazy pills!!
Ugh! You didn't need that crap. sorry!
I was never ignorant to DV, I was just in denial about my own...ha ha (but not really THAT funny)
Ugh! You didn't need that crap. sorry!
I was never ignorant to DV, I was just in denial about my own...ha ha (but not really THAT funny)
A work in progress
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You're right, some people will NEVER get it. I used to always dread the thought of getting one of them on my juries.
Here's my own theory. Often women (who are most likely to be the victims of domestic or sexual violence--not that men can't be, but statistically it's more likely to be a woman) are the LEAST understanding about those kinds of crimes. It's because (I believe) that if they place responsibility on the victim, they are able to deny it could happen to them.
They think, "Well, *I* would leave (or kick him in the balls) if that happened to ME." Or, "*I* would never dress that way, or take a man into my home on the first date, or have that much to drink--so it's HER fault that she did those things."
It's a way to reduce fear--it is just too scary for people to contemplate that it COULD happen to them--no matter how smart, savvy, educated, strong they are--it COULD happen to them.
It's sort of similar to the way alcoholics compare themselves to others in the rooms of AA--they figure, I haven't gone to jail like that guy, or lost my job like that woman, so I must not be that bad, and I don't belong here.
Your sister doesn't realize that she's never been victimized because she's been LUCKY. And she has NO idea what it's like to be in the hostage-type situation that DV victims find themselves in--where it is literally too dangerous (or at the very least, appears to be more dangerous) to leave than it is to stay.
Don't discuss it with her. If she brings it up, change the subject or walk away. And if she ever gets called for jury duty, I hope she has a real good excuse.
Here's my own theory. Often women (who are most likely to be the victims of domestic or sexual violence--not that men can't be, but statistically it's more likely to be a woman) are the LEAST understanding about those kinds of crimes. It's because (I believe) that if they place responsibility on the victim, they are able to deny it could happen to them.
They think, "Well, *I* would leave (or kick him in the balls) if that happened to ME." Or, "*I* would never dress that way, or take a man into my home on the first date, or have that much to drink--so it's HER fault that she did those things."
It's a way to reduce fear--it is just too scary for people to contemplate that it COULD happen to them--no matter how smart, savvy, educated, strong they are--it COULD happen to them.
It's sort of similar to the way alcoholics compare themselves to others in the rooms of AA--they figure, I haven't gone to jail like that guy, or lost my job like that woman, so I must not be that bad, and I don't belong here.
Your sister doesn't realize that she's never been victimized because she's been LUCKY. And she has NO idea what it's like to be in the hostage-type situation that DV victims find themselves in--where it is literally too dangerous (or at the very least, appears to be more dangerous) to leave than it is to stay.
Don't discuss it with her. If she brings it up, change the subject or walk away. And if she ever gets called for jury duty, I hope she has a real good excuse.
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Lexie, my sister really does confuse me, and she also pisses me off.
When I had cancer, my first phone call with her, I had to calm her down, and she actually said that I'm glad that it happened to you instead of me, because I couldn't have dealt with that, but you seem to be doing good. (after me calming her down)
Talked to her once about me being my dad's favorite. I wanted to clear things up with her so that there were no grudges. She said I'm happy you were his favorite, because he was abusive to you, and he ignored me.
I can see her denial in all of this. I like the way you explained it, it just hurts when she says these things to me.
I also remember the time I had a DVT. Deep Vein Thrombosis. Blood clot in your leg that can break off, go into your lung and kill you. My leg must have weighed at least 50 lbs from all the swelling with water build up, and she said to me, "so, you'll have one fat leg, no big deal".
I seriously don't know if she hates me, or has lack of empathy.
I try, I do really try with my family for my mom.
You know, right now I want to go away on one of those vacay retreats. No phone, no tv, just work on me.
amy
When I had cancer, my first phone call with her, I had to calm her down, and she actually said that I'm glad that it happened to you instead of me, because I couldn't have dealt with that, but you seem to be doing good. (after me calming her down)
Talked to her once about me being my dad's favorite. I wanted to clear things up with her so that there were no grudges. She said I'm happy you were his favorite, because he was abusive to you, and he ignored me.
I can see her denial in all of this. I like the way you explained it, it just hurts when she says these things to me.
I also remember the time I had a DVT. Deep Vein Thrombosis. Blood clot in your leg that can break off, go into your lung and kill you. My leg must have weighed at least 50 lbs from all the swelling with water build up, and she said to me, "so, you'll have one fat leg, no big deal".
I seriously don't know if she hates me, or has lack of empathy.
I try, I do really try with my family for my mom.
You know, right now I want to go away on one of those vacay retreats. No phone, no tv, just work on me.
amy
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I had made plans with her for the weekend, I cancelled them today. Told her I didn't know about the snow, and maybe we could plan it again sometime in March. She did trigger me, and I need to think about all of this some more.
Zoso, she didn't earn my trust. I don't think I ever really did trust her, and that's a shame, she is my sister.
amy
Zoso, she didn't earn my trust. I don't think I ever really did trust her, and that's a shame, she is my sister.
amy
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
Good job on the plan canceling!!! Way to go!!!
She seems very emotionally immature. Just feel sorry for her and pray that she does "grow up" because just because she's been " lucky" so far, it's inevitable that something will happen in life that will rock her world! And it probably won't take a very big thing either! Also, she probably acts that way towards friends too, and probably has very superficial friendships.
Not saying it's a good thing all the crap you've been thru, but it's probably why you're such a sweety these days.
You mentioned your "family" all sides with your ex? It's it just your sister or your parents too? Not that it matters, just trying to get the whole picture. If so, that just proves how manipulative alcoholic/abusers can be right?
Hugs!
She seems very emotionally immature. Just feel sorry for her and pray that she does "grow up" because just because she's been " lucky" so far, it's inevitable that something will happen in life that will rock her world! And it probably won't take a very big thing either! Also, she probably acts that way towards friends too, and probably has very superficial friendships.
Not saying it's a good thing all the crap you've been thru, but it's probably why you're such a sweety these days.
You mentioned your "family" all sides with your ex? It's it just your sister or your parents too? Not that it matters, just trying to get the whole picture. If so, that just proves how manipulative alcoholic/abusers can be right?
Hugs!
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torquemax, it's not so much that they side with him, I guess I was married for so long that my mom slips up sometimes when she talks about her favorite son in law, (my ex), this sister was always jealous that he did the grocery shopping.
I think they are so use to thinking that I had it made. I got the best one out there and even after divorce, even after me telling what went on, I still hear this stuff.
He did try to turn my oldest daughter against me. That's a whole book in itself.
Guess I can't deal with some things, like, you know he hit me, and getting a response of well at least he went shopping with you. He put you on a pedastal, you don't know how lucky you were.
Is there any response to this, except for saying, well, I have to go know. Doorbell is ringing.
amy
I think they are so use to thinking that I had it made. I got the best one out there and even after divorce, even after me telling what went on, I still hear this stuff.
He did try to turn my oldest daughter against me. That's a whole book in itself.
Guess I can't deal with some things, like, you know he hit me, and getting a response of well at least he went shopping with you. He put you on a pedastal, you don't know how lucky you were.
Is there any response to this, except for saying, well, I have to go know. Doorbell is ringing.
amy
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Amy, oh my God!! This is your sister? What about some compassion or understanding.
I don't think you will ever get it from her so I would stop sharing. She is incapable of comprehending your situation. She is not a friend, she is a cold mean women.
In my opinion I would go NC. Who needs that in your life. Stop engaging and expecting something from her that is impossible to ever receive. She is just toxic!! Maybe in time you can revisit your relationship, when you are a stronger, healthier person!!!!
We can give "sista" hugs from the midwest!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs my friend!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I don't think you will ever get it from her so I would stop sharing. She is incapable of comprehending your situation. She is not a friend, she is a cold mean women.
In my opinion I would go NC. Who needs that in your life. Stop engaging and expecting something from her that is impossible to ever receive. She is just toxic!! Maybe in time you can revisit your relationship, when you are a stronger, healthier person!!!!
We can give "sista" hugs from the midwest!!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs my friend!!!!)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Maia, I do it for my mom. I will keep the peace. I try not to let it get to me, and sometimes like an abuser she will be there for me, and I forget about the other things, then I get on the phone like tonight, and first fight off racial things, told her I don't want to talk about that, as long as the person is nice to me and treats me like a human I don't care about anything else, then onto politics. I don't care about that either. Not getting into that one.
Think where I was going with this whole thing is I can understand the opposition and complete ignorance of people when they see domestic violence.
It's the whole thing of blaming the victim, when the victim was already beaten down.
Well, if she didn't wear that short skirt, well she should have just kicked him in the balls and left, well, why didn't she leave? Why is she still with him?
Dam, I get this from my own family
amy
Think where I was going with this whole thing is I can understand the opposition and complete ignorance of people when they see domestic violence.
It's the whole thing of blaming the victim, when the victim was already beaten down.
Well, if she didn't wear that short skirt, well she should have just kicked him in the balls and left, well, why didn't she leave? Why is she still with him?
Dam, I get this from my own family
amy
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: CA
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Amy you keep trying because you have a light inside that just doesn't want to be hidden. Please just keep sharing your light. You just never know who might need that beacon in their darkness! Hugss and great big thanks for being you!
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Sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. Major ((((((hugs)))))).
Though not exactly the same thing, I've dealt with something similar. When I was an A, my dad did the right things - he cut me off, said "I can't help you kill yourself", which I am forever grateful for.
With his wife, my stepmom? He stuck his head in the sand, despite what I was telling him, and he enabled her to the grave. He's still a major codie, trying to control everyone's life.
I haven't gone NC with him, but I have said "okay, we don't need to talk about this" or changed the subject when he brings things up that I know is his denial.
He hasn't liked it, has thrown a few tantrums, but I hold strong.
I'm not saying NC isn't right, it just isn't right for me.
As far as saying "gotta go, doorbell is ringing"? My dear niece always says "my phone is dying, gotta go, will call you back" and she never does. I know that I just hit a nerve and she's not yet ready to deal with it. I'm okay with it, she's young and immature.
Your sister may not get the message that she has tread where she doesn't need to tread, but if it gets her off the phone, I don't see that as a bad thing. With time, she may put 2 and 2 together.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Though not exactly the same thing, I've dealt with something similar. When I was an A, my dad did the right things - he cut me off, said "I can't help you kill yourself", which I am forever grateful for.
With his wife, my stepmom? He stuck his head in the sand, despite what I was telling him, and he enabled her to the grave. He's still a major codie, trying to control everyone's life.
I haven't gone NC with him, but I have said "okay, we don't need to talk about this" or changed the subject when he brings things up that I know is his denial.
He hasn't liked it, has thrown a few tantrums, but I hold strong.
I'm not saying NC isn't right, it just isn't right for me.
As far as saying "gotta go, doorbell is ringing"? My dear niece always says "my phone is dying, gotta go, will call you back" and she never does. I know that I just hit a nerve and she's not yet ready to deal with it. I'm okay with it, she's young and immature.
Your sister may not get the message that she has tread where she doesn't need to tread, but if it gets her off the phone, I don't see that as a bad thing. With time, she may put 2 and 2 together.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Amy, I understand that you want to keep peace, but she is hurtful. Not sure how you can continue. I would feel beaten down every time I would talk to her if she acted that way.
You are like everyone on this forum, are an enabler and a codie. We accept unacceptable behavior towards us. In my opinion you are better then that, you deserve better. At some point, just like with our A's we need to go NC. When you are strong enough and she has said something you can't forgive, you will have to go NC.
Sorry honey that she is not a true sister!!
You are like everyone on this forum, are an enabler and a codie. We accept unacceptable behavior towards us. In my opinion you are better then that, you deserve better. At some point, just like with our A's we need to go NC. When you are strong enough and she has said something you can't forgive, you will have to go NC.
Sorry honey that she is not a true sister!!
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There are actually 2 that I will need to go NC with after my mom passes. I do this for her. The other is my oldest daughter.
This thread was really supposed to be about how no one really believes things about abuse, it's like a deaf ear is turned towards it. I couldn't believe and can't believe I got this reaction from my family, yet I did. It's sometimes looking at the general public and what their beliefs are about this.
It's things like when I was growing up. I would see this woman across the street. She only came out to bring her husbands bicycle out each day and in each day. Then I would see her at the window each day just looking out. I would try to talk to her, and she left the window. I told my sister this today, and she told me that wasn't possible, that a cop owned that 2 story house.
So many times, what I hear, makes me think I am "nuts" and that I just made things up.
amy
This thread was really supposed to be about how no one really believes things about abuse, it's like a deaf ear is turned towards it. I couldn't believe and can't believe I got this reaction from my family, yet I did. It's sometimes looking at the general public and what their beliefs are about this.
It's things like when I was growing up. I would see this woman across the street. She only came out to bring her husbands bicycle out each day and in each day. Then I would see her at the window each day just looking out. I would try to talk to her, and she left the window. I told my sister this today, and she told me that wasn't possible, that a cop owned that 2 story house.
So many times, what I hear, makes me think I am "nuts" and that I just made things up.
amy
Behold the power of NO
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That's why I only share about my past with XABF here. Everyone sees me as a strong, independent woman (doesn t help that I am tall and not easily intimidated too) and they would neve believe me. Then there are people who look down on women who went through or are going through DV.
I think for most people, it is just a case of them not knowing how to respond and feeling very uncomfortable. It is safer and easier to go in full denial mode. There is a French proverb which states:
No one is deafer than the one who doesn't want to listen.
Sad but true
I think for most people, it is just a case of them not knowing how to respond and feeling very uncomfortable. It is safer and easier to go in full denial mode. There is a French proverb which states:
No one is deafer than the one who doesn't want to listen.
Sad but true
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Carlotta, thank you for being you, and Go Hawks.
I do give up trying to explain to my family. My cousins have my back. They understand it. I turned down the weekend with my sister, but still going for the day trip to NJ to see my cousins for a birthday party.
In my family, it's kinda like a sick funny, they want to be in denial about it, but if anyone is having any trouble at all, they look to me as their resource person. Not my sister, the rest of my family though.
I use to feel so degraded talking about what I went through. I don't anymore. It wasn't just me. It happens a lot.
amy
I do give up trying to explain to my family. My cousins have my back. They understand it. I turned down the weekend with my sister, but still going for the day trip to NJ to see my cousins for a birthday party.
In my family, it's kinda like a sick funny, they want to be in denial about it, but if anyone is having any trouble at all, they look to me as their resource person. Not my sister, the rest of my family though.
I use to feel so degraded talking about what I went through. I don't anymore. It wasn't just me. It happens a lot.
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55 
This thread was really supposed to be about how no one really believes things about abuse, it's like a deaf ear is turned towards it.
The girl AXH was living with when I finally filed for divorce told me that he'd never treat her the way he treated me. That her parents raised her to be smart and strong. It ticked me off to no end at first. And it hurt. Even coming from her. Now, knowing what I know about how he treated her, I'm in danger of rolling my eyes permanently back in my head whenever I think about her statement.
Secondary wounding hurts. I'm sorry it's your family hurting you.
I have more to post, but I need to figure out how to say it....
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Originally Posted by freetosmile
I was never ignorant to DV, I was just in denial about my own...ha ha (but not really THAT funny)
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