kudzujean

Yeah, like he's just gonna stand there with his legs spread.

Sounds like she's in some big time denial.

kudzujean

I'm going to use that with one of my relatives who is still, and I guess always will be, in big time denial.

maia1234

Amy,
Its very funny what secrets we keep. I have not shared what my xah has done to me over the last 20 years with my family. Everyone thinks he's God. My Dad the other day asked me what my X thought of football scandal. (my x works game day staff for one of the nfl teams) Really? He's my X and we don't really talk. But once again, he is God and all that.

My parents love him like a son, as we had been together for 34 years. But if I told them the horrible stuff he has done to me while he was drunk, and not drunk they would die. They would hate his guts, the way I have lived in silence. I have not shared the pain that me and my kids have endured. So maybe one day I will get tired of what an awesome guy he was and let them have it. Tell it like it is. But until I share, I can't expect them to have any understanding or compassion for my divorce or my life with him.

I pray one day he gets sober and works a program. That's all I can do.

I can't even comprehend having a relationship with anyone right now. I am so mentally unstable and so verbally abused in that department. I still have very low esteem towards my self. It will take a long time of me being by myself to heal, to be the person I was meant to be and expect respect from another person. Time heals all wounds... I hope

freetosmile

You know what...I was just reading this...it really sounds like your sister might use this attitude as a defense mechanism. It might be how she protects herself to say "better you than me" and "it's no big deal".

I used to do that a lot. Minimize everything! I was always the one everyone thought NOTHING was wrong with because I just didn't make a big deal out of it, even when on the inside, I was dying.

Katchie

Big ole Hugs girl...Wow. Someone is aways wanting to kick someone while their down to help their own low self esteem/worth.

Amy, I hope you have made some friends outside your family that you can go to the movies with or do other girlie things. If you don't, make some! A good friend you can go on a walk with and share with is a real treasure. I have such a friend and pray you find one too if its not there already.

amy55

I actually made peace with my sister a while ago. I had put myself in her place and tried to imagine how it would feel if my dad didn't pay much attention to me, and gave all his attention to someone else. I can see that as being a defense mechanism. I can understand that she had some jealousy towards me because of that, so I can get passed all of that stuff.

What I can't get past is still hearing how my ex is better then her husband. To me that is just crazy. I can even walk away from this most times and just think to myself, not worth your energy to get upset about this.

I didn't even personalize this last night. I was thinking, why would anyone say the things she was saying to me to someone who is divorced. Abusive marriage or not. To me, that's totally insensitive.

It's just another subject that I will refuse to participate in a conversation with her about, even if she flat out asks me about an abusive situation. My reply in that situation from now on will be to please give that person that she is asking me about the DV hotline #.

Oh, I don't live near her. About 2 hours away, so I don't see her that much. I have a lot of friends where I live now.

thanks

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

hopeful4

Oh honey how awful. I cannot even imagine the anger of hearing that.

Just remember, we, your SR family, do truly understand.

XXX

SadInTX

[It's sort of similar to the way alcoholics compare themselves to others in the rooms of AA--they figure, I haven't gone to jail like that guy, or lost my job like that woman, so I must not be that bad, and I don't belong here.
Your sister doesn't realize that she's never been victimized because she's been LUCKY. And she has NO idea what it's like to be in the hostage-type situation that DV victims find themselves in--where it is literally too dangerous (or at the very least, appears to be more dangerous) to leave than it is to stay.]
LexieCat, this really stood out to me. My AH has said this in the past..I am not as bad as those people in the rooms...I have never had a DUI...lost my job...blah, blah...even though he puts himself in risk. He works on call sometimes and has a company truck...last time on call he had to go work, he was totally hammered...driving the truck and working. Someone even said he was acting wierd but he told them he was sick with the flu and took NiteQuil...hostage type situation.I sometimes feel that way. I want to express that his drinking bothers me but afraid he won't allow me to speak..it could turn ugly...I already started preparations..

NYCDoglvr

Yes, stay off the phone. While everyone is entitled to their opinion, I don't have to listen to it if it upsets me.

NWGRITS

Opinions are like assholes - everybody has one. I'm sorry she's so ignorant of DV and all you've been through. You are important and you are valued, Amy. You have given so much great advice and helped so many people here. Don't ever doubt your worth over someone else's ****** opinion. (((HUGS)))

amy55

I drove to NJ today, 2 hour trip there. I didn't stay at my sisters like I was supposed to. But she was there. I didn't like listening to how much harder she works then I did. I didn't like listening to how her kids were better then mine. Didn't want to hear anymore how her kids talked faster then mine did or walked faster then mine did, how my kids were bedwetters and hers weren't, how my kids just liked to sleep, while hers were up all the time in such good moods.

I had to walk away, she always, and yes I do mean always, has to put me down, and my kids down. I don't think it's her intention to do this, I think she just needs to feel that she is better then me. My kids that she is putting down, one works at Johns Hopkins in the neurology dept. other works for Usamariid.

I really do try to let things go, and to walk away, I did tonight. If what she needs for her own ego is to put me down, then go ahead and do it.

I just give up.

amy

amy55

The perfect angels that she got, well one is doing really well, when that one was growing up she was uncontrollable, screamed all the time, the other one turned to drugs.

Sorry, just getting my angries out here.

amy

NWGRITS

Get it out, Amy. This is a safe place. Better here than exploding at her. My AM is just like your sister. Had to put everyone else and their kids down to make herself feel better. She's one of the most insecure people I've ever met. I used to listen to her trash talk her bf's family to him over the phone. He has a lovely family and she can't handle it.

amy55

You're right NW, I am so sick of this chit. I am so sick of her just sitting there like a queen telling her daughters to go get her purse or something out of her purse, or go get her coat, while complaining no one does a dam thing for her.

I would never do that. I have 2 arms, 2 legs and can do this myself. So my kids are spoiled because I didn't demand this. f u !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They aren't slaves.

I also hate that the only time she calls me is when she is in the car on bluetooth. I can't hear or understand any thing she is saying. She Has this annoying laugh that she uses all the time that she talks. I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HER. I don't even know what she is trying to say, it's all static.

I remember once she was talking to me. I put my cell phone down for 30 minutes, picked it up and she was still talking, didn't even know I wasn't listening, I didn't have to. It's like soap operas. You can not watch them for a year, but you still know the plot.

Thanks for letting me rant

ladyscribbler

I had put myself in her place and tried to imagine how it would feel if my dad didn't pay much attention to me, and gave all his attention to someone else. I can see that as being a defense mechanism. I can understand that she had some jealousy towards me because of that, so I can get passed all of that stuff.

(((Hugs))). This caught my eye. It almost seems like your sister's mentality is trapped in that childhood phase where she is jealous of any attention paid to another person, even if that attention is negative.
All the nonsense about comparing your kids to hers and playing the martyr about her marriage fits in with that whole immature narrative. Sorry you are dealing with this.

amy55

And you are right, I think she is stuck there, and that is why I put up with it and shut up about it. I'm just so tired of it.

Yes, my father liked me best. He told my older sister that she was a mistake, told my younger sister she wasn't wanted. Told me I was wanted, but I was the wrong sex. He abused my mother and me. I also know that even though I said it that way, he also abused my other 2 sisters by rejection.

That is the reason I try to hold it in

Stung

Your sister sounds uber competitive with you, Amy. Which unfortunately is how my own mother is with me. I just cannot have her in my life because it creates a whole lot of bottled up anger and hurt feelings every time she talks to me because it's just more of the same crap. My life is a breeze and of course, hers is a constant battle. My life is a failure and hers is all success compared to lowly me.

You are very inspirational and an incredibly supportive woman.

Big hugs to you!!

amy55

I'm just tired of this and I don't know what to do about this. She is jealous of me, and I don't know why except for that, also competitive with me. Growing up it was mostly boyfriends and bowling.

Boyfriends. Well her chest size is a D. I just about hit a B. She tried to take them away from me by sticking her chest in their face. My first marriage, he was living with us in my mothers house, and she so "accidently" walked out of the bathroom nude!!!!!!!

I just don't know anymore, how much I can forgive.

amy55

Stung, I went through 2 cancers, and her shingles were worse then that, then she found out it was just an allergy, but it was still worse.

I know how you feel.

((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
amy

amy55

I can now go back to my normal life now that I got that poison out of me. Thanks for letting me rant.

amy