shinebright7

AH started full-day outpatient program on Monday. Today was the day for family members to come.

There were 3 parts:

1) Separate meetings. Patients went into an AA room and we went into a group therapy room to introduce ourselves, give voice to our loved one's addiction, and state what it what was that we were hoping to get from the group.

My hope was that I could learn about how to interact with my husband when we're not really in husband and wife roles. It's more like I'm the mom and he's a grumpy 15 year old.

The therapist's suggestion was that I be authentic. She also spoke about how addicts are often emotionally underdeveloped based on the age when they first started using. I'm not sure if I remember exactly when he started using substances, but I do think it was in his teens.

2) Al-Anon/AA speakers. We were reunited with our loved ones in one big room. Each speaker took 30 minutes to share their ESH from being in AA and Al-Anon. Some time for questions was allowed at the end.

I was impressed that one of the young female patients wound up asking about what she could do to detach with love when the person is living in her house. (Her mom.) The suggestion was that she keep working on herself as she is so early in recovery and then she can explore Al-Anon as it feels right.

3) Group Discussion. The topic was Enabling. What it is, who has done it, learning to recognize it.

During this part, I felt my heart throbbing so much. I finally raised my hand and gave voice to the how my husband has asked me to be quiet and keep secrets about so many things about his addiction, that I felt scared and shaky to give voice to anything about this topic in front of him -- even in a room where everyone knows that he's got addiction issues.

I imagined that he would have preferred it if I would have just kept quiet during the meeting and not shared anything about our situation, and I almost did. But then I was like Eff that! This day is about me, too, so I'm going to speak up even if I'm shaking and my throat is closing up as I do it.

So I did. The therapists thanked me for my courage. I inquired about couple's therapy through the program. She said my husband's therapist would be calling me early this week to set up a private session.

My husband and I didn't talk on the way home. I was still shaky. Came home and took a huge nap. Needed that!

He's at work right now, probably going to come home "tired out of his mind" as he likes to say.

So, I'm trying to stay connected to me so that I know what my authentic words/actions, etc. would be with him.

He's staying in the living room. I suggested the couch. He chose the floor. Okay, then!

Oh!

And I also got to hear about what kinds of things they do with the patients during the full-day program.

Lots of it had to do with learning how to deal with their uncomfortable feelings. Particularly Anxiety and Depression.

I was glad to hear that such practical things were being discussed and taught. She mentioned that many addicts, especially when they start using early on in life, they never learn how to check in with their bodies and self-regulate their reactions. They just reach for a substance and numb out.

Also heard two parents in the group talking about how the program has really helped their addict sons turn the corner which was nice and inspiring.

Just wanted to process after the day today...

It was emotionally draining, but I'm glad I went. And I'm especially glad to be home in my bed with my cat! =^..^=

CodeJob

Hello Shine! I'm glad you grabbed this opportunity and spoke up too!

FeelingGreat

Wow, great topic to speak up on. Thanks for telling us about the whole experience. I hope your AH sticks with this as it sounds really constructive.

I was interested in the part about an addict's emotional development stopping at the point where they became addicted. You have to think about how much work it must take to overcome the addiction itself, and retrain the brain.

shinebright7

Thanks CodeJob and FeelingGreat - When i brought up the part about AH asking me to keep secrets, she also brought up that expression about how we're only as sick as our secrets.

<sigh> I started carrying heavy secrets when I was about 8 yo after my dad was inappropriate with me. I hate being told to keep secrets. But of course, I do, especially if the person asking me to do it is the significant man in my life. GAH! And i have had TONS of health issues related to these secrets, from my perspective. All sorts of auto-immune issues that no one can solve ya know?

This is why this inner work is especially hard for me. It's not just that I'm reacting to the stuff with my AH...it's hitting all sorts of other codependent, abusive, betrayal stuff that I've experienced with men over the my life and it's like I'm going through the pain from all of the instances at once. Compounded into one big PTSD freak out. Hate that.

I have to be especially gentle with myself because of the way this manifests for me.

I'm doing my best. And would love to find a good therapist, too.

Sotiredofitall

Oh, shine, my heart broke to hear you tell your *secret* about your dad. For me it was my brothers. So hard to break through those life long secrets and find a way to make it make sense for us now. I'm just starting to deal with it at 61 and have had a life time of health and emotional turmoil. Hugs. I have just started with a good therapist who also specializes in alcohol addiction. Feels right for the first time.

maia1234

(((((((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))

LemonGirl

Shine, thank you for this! The part where you said your healing isn't just about your AH but about a whole slue of codependent issues... childhood issues... That hits home for me right now too. This experience with my xabf is what finally woke me up to the fact that while I know I've had issues, I don't know if I've ever truly dealt with all of that damage. Your bravery and sharing makes me feel a sense of relief; I'm not the only one... Thank you...

NWGRITS

Do I ever understand this. Yes, be gentle. (((Hugs)))

ladyscribbler

Thank you. You are so brave.