Serenidad

Time for me to get REAL! I am going to die if I don't get my crap together. I'm on day 1 again. I am no match for this monster!

I had 5 & 1/2 years of sobriety! Why the F--k did I drink again? I can't believe I have ever questioned that I am a full blown alcoholic! It's getting worse. The disease is progressing. It's happy. It wants me dead. It wants me to lose everything!

I'm scared. I feel weak. I feel so much shame & heart ache. Depression. Anxiety. Hopelessness. Fear. I HATE myself! Do I just end it all before it takes me anyway? NO! I will not give up! Alcoholism is the devil!

I have scratched & clawed my way thru my life since birth! An abusive home for 18 years, rape, molestation, just to name a few & I'm STILL here...but barely.

My disease has played so many games with my head this last 14 months since my relapse! It is a quiet whisper telling me I am not worthy of being happy. It may be that voice I heard from my own mother telling me "You're not good enough..I wish you weren't even here!" I really don't know WHAT it is but I want it to stop.

It's licked me! It's taking my soul. I am a shell of a person. I'm like the walking dead. It wants me to take my own life! Whether it be by alcohol or my own hand. It's dark. It's a swamp of quicksand. Its a feeling that maybe when I was born maybe God turned his head for a second and OOPS I was born.

God wouldn't do that, right? Through everything I've been thru I have remained an extremely loving person who would help anyone! I routinely help the homeless, the sick, the poor, children, animals...I can't be that bad, right?

Dear God, please help me. Show me the light, show me hope. You've saved me from death so many times. There has to be a reason, right? Please save me from this fatal disease so I can be of service to YOU. Help me so one day I can be the "light" for other people. Please don't give up on me. And please don't ever let me forget what I am & where I came from. Please take the obsession, compulsion & cravings away. I don't want to die.

I've been thru enough in my short life and I'm tired.

Thanks for reading. I just got a new sponsor and we are meeting on Sunday to work the steps and go to an AA meeting. I'm also going to a meeting tonite & tomorrow. My new sponsor gave me a spark of hope that things can get better.

I NEVER want to feel this bad again emotionally. Pleases, my dear SR friends. Don't give up on me. I feel like such an idiot...not worthy of anyone caring about me. I've been so damn wishy-washy & a total lunatic on here for the past 14 months! Forgive me. That's not really "me"...it's alcohol. Please...if you pray...I could use some. I pray for everyone on SR, in AA & all those still struggling every single night & always will.

If you have some sobriety, please don't let you AV pull you back into the quicksand. It's hell!

Bless you all.

Alwyshope12

Serenidad, its terrible to see you in so much pain. You can be well, but it will take some work and some help.

please go to the ER and seek medical treatment, they can help you there.

Minnechoag

Prayers ascending for Serenidad this night.

Stoogy

You are in all our thoughts, you have beaten this inner demon before remember,

You know this can be done, there are many people on here who at one time or another felt very similar.

Soberwolf

Sending thoughts & prayers Serenidad

Im glad your trying again im glad your new sponser has given you hope i really hope you regain your sobriety serenidad

You can do this

Anna

Serenidad, I feel your pain. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

What do you think is the answer? If you look inside, how did you maintain your sobriety for 5 plus years? What is missing right now, what has changed that is making you drink? I was abused as a child too and I know that I had to fully believe and accept that I deserved a good life. You do too.

Gilmer

I am praying for you, Serenidad. I hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

mns1

Serenidad, all that stuff in your past is not your fault. Just because you had people in the past who didn't show you the love you needed does not mean you do not deserve to be cared for now.

You had 5 1/2 years of sobriety and if you did it once you sure as hell can do it again. Don't let the voice of alcohol mess with your mind. Stay focused and do whatever you have to do to push through this.

We're here and we care about you and we know you can get through this. Count on that.

Hang in there Serenidad please don't give up hope

brynn

Serenidad...my heart is breaking for you right now. I have been following your story for about a month now and I'm really concerned for you. You sound desperate and if you are feeling suicidal please go to the ER or call 911.
This disease hasn't won. You are still here fighting and wanting to get sober! I know you're tired and I'm wondering if going to rehab is an option for you? It might give you the jump start you need, away from your normal routine and responsibilities.
Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you lots of support.

Vandermast

Been there serenidad

Relapsed after 7 years

It gets better you have a plan..sounds good..keep the plug in the jug and do the next right thing

V

Soberjoy1

So sorry you are feeling so bad, Serenidad. I will pray for you.

doggonecarl

I'm sure I wouldn't be the first to recommend rehab. So remind me why it's not an option for you?

Fandy

When the high drama ends, real work begins....you have to find out what works for you and live in the present day, not the past. What motivates you?

you are fortunate enough to have a nice lifestyle, children and a husband.....if they decided your drinking wasn't an option what would you do with your life?

I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Della1968

Oh how I understand this. I have been through some rough stuff too. Just remember that stuff is always more suffocating on the first few days. You deserve better and have it in you to achieve better. You know this.

red3215

It hasn't licked you. You're still here, on a recovery board, and making plans with your sponsor. I think that's depression telling you BS negative things. What kind of stuff can you do right now that would make you feel happier?
I've been pretty depressed today, too. I'm about to chill out with a snack and watch a funny movie. Sometimes little pleasures help a lot.

SoberJohn

Sorry to see you like this and I hope you and your sponsor make it right on Sunday and you will be on the road to happiness.

24hrsAday

you can do it man.. One day at a time.

ANewDayNYC

Sending prayers to you. Hang in there - you can do this. Stay strong.

24hrsAday

you can do it again man.. one day at a time.

headcase1

It's a very sneaky disease just looking for a way to trick you back in.Get additional help where ever you can.If I can do this you can too!My best to you.