The pain is unbearable...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Serenidad -- little longer than a year ago I was planning to go to inpatient rehab. Because for years, I could not quit drinking longer than 1-2-3 days, never had any success with sobriety. Then I got into an intensive SR involvement and developed a recovery regimen that has worked for me... but to be honest, to date, I dread relapse because deep down I know with quite certainty, that I would not be able to do it the same way one more time. I think I would need something much more externally controlled and supervised then. I often think, in my mind, what would or could happen then... and the first thought I usually get is quite the life/death thing. Knowing myself, I really think I would not make it again without a serious inpatient program at least to start with.
Just wanted to share this with you. Please think about it.
Just wanted to share this with you. Please think about it.
You want a second opinion on that?
Nobody posting on this forum is licked. Struggling, learning, hurting - yes. Licked? Not yet.
The licked people don't make it back to us. We never hear from them again.
You're still in this fight, Kiddo. Give it everything you've got. Hundreds (maybe thousands) of your brothers and sisters have your back.
We can do this.
Nobody posting on this forum is licked. Struggling, learning, hurting - yes. Licked? Not yet.
The licked people don't make it back to us. We never hear from them again.
You're still in this fight, Kiddo. Give it everything you've got. Hundreds (maybe thousands) of your brothers and sisters have your back.
We can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Thank you everyone for your advice and loving comments. I am NOT going to kill myself. I've been through far to much in my life to just give up! I have kids and a husband who need me & love me and that would be the most selfish thing in the world I could do besides what I am already doing to myself by drinking. Such shame I have....
That being said, I am going to check into IOP treatment on Monday. I am not a daily drinker and don't need detox so that may be the only thing my insurance approves but we shall see. I'm also going to call my insurance about therapy & meet with my new sponsor on Sunday. She gave me my first assignment...."don't drink between now and Sunday night when we meet!"
It's amazing to me that laying in a jail cell in handcuffs in 2008 after a DUI was so much easier than the emotional pain I have felt this time around. It's no wonder people die of alcoholism!
Honestly, it's truly amazing that any of us survive. It's truly a miracle. So...if you have some sobriety...even a few days...hang on to it as if it is a floatation device in the middle of the ocean. Don't ever let go! The sharks in the dark vast sea will pull you under the first chance they get! If my story helps someone, then my pain will not be in vain.
Thx for caring! I'm a fighter...I will fight this disease until the bitter end...but I will also need to surrender....finally.....
Xo-hang on to that life preserver!
That being said, I am going to check into IOP treatment on Monday. I am not a daily drinker and don't need detox so that may be the only thing my insurance approves but we shall see. I'm also going to call my insurance about therapy & meet with my new sponsor on Sunday. She gave me my first assignment...."don't drink between now and Sunday night when we meet!"
It's amazing to me that laying in a jail cell in handcuffs in 2008 after a DUI was so much easier than the emotional pain I have felt this time around. It's no wonder people die of alcoholism!
Honestly, it's truly amazing that any of us survive. It's truly a miracle. So...if you have some sobriety...even a few days...hang on to it as if it is a floatation device in the middle of the ocean. Don't ever let go! The sharks in the dark vast sea will pull you under the first chance they get! If my story helps someone, then my pain will not be in vain.
Thx for caring! I'm a fighter...I will fight this disease until the bitter end...but I will also need to surrender....finally.....
Xo-hang on to that life preserver!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,287
(((Serenidad))) You are in my thoughts today.
I, too, was abused as a child. It is the dark shadow that hangs over me.
One thing I try to remind myself in my darkest moments: we are now adults. We have autonomy, and we have power over our lives, two things we didn't possess as children . We can now make choices and we can protect ourselves from those who hurt us. Today what is hurting us is alcohol and we have to fight it.
I am sending you warrior-woman strength, my friend.
I, too, was abused as a child. It is the dark shadow that hangs over me.
One thing I try to remind myself in my darkest moments: we are now adults. We have autonomy, and we have power over our lives, two things we didn't possess as children . We can now make choices and we can protect ourselves from those who hurt us. Today what is hurting us is alcohol and we have to fight it.
I am sending you warrior-woman strength, my friend.
I was going to type this, but many beat me too it, so heres a copy/paste.
"We will never, ever give up on you.
Promise us that you will never, ever give up on yourself."
What do you need? What do you NEED? And I am not talking about here an SR. I am talking about in your life. Figure that out, Screw everything else, and make it happen regardless of the consequence.
Nothing is too difficult to conquer. Unless you are posting from your death bed, you have every right and chance as anyone. TAKE IT!
We, I, probably many others, are available to help you stay away from this pain. I understand your pain as posted, as I am sure many others do as well.
Never give up, never surrender. You are not alone in this and there are a lot of open hands reaching out to you from the shores of hell.
Take one. It may just be the shores of hell, but it isn't inside the lake of fire. One step at a time.
You can't give me one good reason to keep drinking. It is cold, it is lonely, and there will be a fierce wind blowing...
But you just turn your collar up and keep walking. OR... drink.
PM me or any number of us if you need help. Seek local help. Exercise. Eat Ice Cream. Do something other than what we have done that brought us here.
Please?
"We will never, ever give up on you.
Promise us that you will never, ever give up on yourself."
What do you need? What do you NEED? And I am not talking about here an SR. I am talking about in your life. Figure that out, Screw everything else, and make it happen regardless of the consequence.
Nothing is too difficult to conquer. Unless you are posting from your death bed, you have every right and chance as anyone. TAKE IT!
We, I, probably many others, are available to help you stay away from this pain. I understand your pain as posted, as I am sure many others do as well.
Never give up, never surrender. You are not alone in this and there are a lot of open hands reaching out to you from the shores of hell.
Take one. It may just be the shores of hell, but it isn't inside the lake of fire. One step at a time.
You can't give me one good reason to keep drinking. It is cold, it is lonely, and there will be a fierce wind blowing...
But you just turn your collar up and keep walking. OR... drink.
PM me or any number of us if you need help. Seek local help. Exercise. Eat Ice Cream. Do something other than what we have done that brought us here.
Please?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5
Hi, have you ever tried antabuse? I find it a great help because it stops me drinking even when I want to. It takes away the mental battle because I know I can't drink so I don't engage with the evil whispers in my head. Also, Campral is meant to be a very successful drug for alcoholism. I will be getting some soon but I have read rave reviews from fellow alkies who swear by it.
I think these things could give you the added protection against this highly challenging affliction. I feel bad that you are suffering so much now.
I know you desperately want to be sober. Everyone here can see that from your posts. You haven't been falling from lack of trying.
Godspeed and God is with you. Always.
I think these things could give you the added protection against this highly challenging affliction. I feel bad that you are suffering so much now.
I know you desperately want to be sober. Everyone here can see that from your posts. You haven't been falling from lack of trying.
Godspeed and God is with you. Always.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5
I'm presently not trapped as my screen name suggests. Signed up a while ago but just have been lurking. Life is pretty rough now but I'm sober so I'm grateful for that. I have had many falls from this affliction. SR is such a Godsend but wasn't enough to keep me sober. I couldn't overcome those overpowering compulsions to drink. Until I got some antabuse. If you have the will to be sober, you can with the aid of antabuse. Maybe speak to your doctor about getting some. Much Love. Robert.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5
I'm presently not trapped as my screen name suggests. Signed up a while ago but just have been lurking. Life is pretty rough now but I'm sober so I'm grateful for that. I have had many falls from this affliction. SR is such a Godsend but wasn't enough to keep me sober. I couldn't overcome those overpowering compulsions to drink. Until I got some antabuse. If you have the will to be sober, you can with the aid of antabuse. Maybe speak to your doctor about getting some. Much Love. Robert.
Serenidad
You are worthy & strong & you ARE gonna get thru this. Keep using all the tools in the toolbox and maybe pick up a few more .. I am sending love and prayers and peace for you tonight. Deep breathing, care for yourself - you did this before - you can and will do it again. we all believe in you ...remember how good you felt during your sobriety -- go back to that place .. depression and your AV are just trying to find a way in -- lock the door and dont let them in ... -- sending warm peace to your heart tonight.
"when life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars"
You are worthy & strong & you ARE gonna get thru this. Keep using all the tools in the toolbox and maybe pick up a few more .. I am sending love and prayers and peace for you tonight. Deep breathing, care for yourself - you did this before - you can and will do it again. we all believe in you ...remember how good you felt during your sobriety -- go back to that place .. depression and your AV are just trying to find a way in -- lock the door and dont let them in ... -- sending warm peace to your heart tonight.
"when life knocks you down, roll over and look at the stars"
Serenidad ((())))
You are a wonderful strong loving person who is carrying a burden that is not yours.
I was also abused as a child, so I know how it is.
Don't give up.
Praying for you hun xx
You are a wonderful strong loving person who is carrying a burden that is not yours.
I was also abused as a child, so I know how it is.
Don't give up.
Praying for you hun xx
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
I drank after 8 yrs. and after 4 yrs. Now I'm sober 6+ months. We are more the rule than exception. Pride, shame, regret, self loathing--it's all there a little still but I ain't gonna drink over it cuz it's that crap that caused the insanity.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and thank you for posting the way it is. You and others deserve a better life in sobriety when we address the demons that this damn disease seem to magnify.
Your post is a great example for newcomers and old timers the perils we face even with sober time behind us.
I need to remember that alcohol for us is very powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. I even after a lot of years not drinking need meetings to this day. It’s my insurance. I just noticed I had an anniversary Thursday, I’ll try to remember my 40th if I’m still around.
My prayers to you.
BE WELL
Your post is a great example for newcomers and old timers the perils we face even with sober time behind us.
I need to remember that alcohol for us is very powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious. I even after a lot of years not drinking need meetings to this day. It’s my insurance. I just noticed I had an anniversary Thursday, I’ll try to remember my 40th if I’m still around.
My prayers to you.
BE WELL
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