The pain is unbearable...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: New England
Posts: 1,926
Originally Posted by sugarbear1 
how are you today?
Anyway, I literally prayed myself to sleep last night. I begged God to help me. I am going to throw myself in to AA 100% because frankly, I have nothing to lose! It worked for me once, it can work for me again.
I DO know that what I have been doing for the past 14 months has NOT worked. AA is really the only game in town for people who need face-to-face support like me. We dont have SOS or WFS or anyother support groups other than IOP. One of my biggest triggers in lonliness. I can be in a room full of people and feel lonely, but I don't feel lonely when I am in AA for some reason.
Anyway, I pray that today is the first day of the rest of my life. My sponsor is very serious about the 12-steps. I think cleaning house (my head) will really help me!
So, to answer your question, I am doing a little better today. I have a little bit of hope. I really had NONE yesterday so I will take what I can get.
TRUE STORY: A couple of scientists decided to do a study on "hope" years ago. They set out on their boat in the middle of the ocean with 2 rats. They threw the first rat out of the boat in an area of the ocean where there was no land in sight. That poor rat saw that there was no hope (no land anywhere in sight) and drowned in 2 minutes.
They moved a little closer into shore where, in the far distance, land could be seen. They tossed the 2nd rat overboard and would you believe that rat swam for TWO days and survived? He could see land...he had HOPE!
All of you guys here on SR and the people in AA are my "land" right now. Yesterday I could not see ANY land. Today I can see a tiny bit in the distance so I will keep swimming.
God bless you!
Guest
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
IOP sounds like a good idea, Serenidad. Hope you follow through. More intensive support right now would be a wise choice, I think.
Pretending gets old, exhausting... and does you a and those around you a real disservice.
Pretending gets old, exhausting... and does you a and those around you a real disservice.
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
Hey Serenidad it's great to hear you are doing a little better.
But I can't help but wonder if you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you are in a better spot than you were yesterday regardless of the fact that you saw no land yesterday tells me that you remained hopeful even when you could not see the shore. You just kept swimming even though you saw no place to swim to.
That, I believe, is what true faith is. Believing that hope lies in the future even when the odds seem completely stacked against you.
But now that land is in sight, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!
But I can't help but wonder if you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. The fact that you are in a better spot than you were yesterday regardless of the fact that you saw no land yesterday tells me that you remained hopeful even when you could not see the shore. You just kept swimming even though you saw no place to swim to.
That, I believe, is what true faith is. Believing that hope lies in the future even when the odds seem completely stacked against you.
But now that land is in sight, JUST KEEP SWIMMING!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
((Serenidad))) I know all about the pretending.It is the way that many of us get through trauma. It is also hard to ease into the warm waters of assistance when you've been through what you've been through: how can people be relied upon when they have not only not been there, but have hurt you for so many years?
You are a strong person. But that doesn't mean you have to go it alone. Just because we could, doesn't mean we have to. What a blessing that is.
Sending you peaceful and healing thoughts.
You are a strong person. But that doesn't mean you have to go it alone. Just because we could, doesn't mean we have to. What a blessing that is.
Sending you peaceful and healing thoughts.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
From your OP Serenidad:
"God wouldn't do that, right? Through everything I've been thru I have remained an extremely loving person who would help anyone! I routinely help the homeless, the sick, the poor, children, animals...I can't be that bad, right?
Dear God, please help me. Show me the light, show me hope. You've saved me from death so many times. There has to be a reason, right? Please save me from this fatal disease so I can be of service to YOU. Help me so one day I can be the "light" for other people. Please don't give up on me. And please don't ever let me forget what I am & where I came from. Please take the obsession, compulsion & cravings away. I don't want to die."
This broke my heart because I remember so well.... like it was yesterday. With that in mind: Who are you doubting Serenidad? Who are you trying to prove you're worthy to? I posit that its not God but yourself. Until you're willing to find out once and for all if He does find you worthy... until you're ready to take that terrifying leap to see if He catches you or lets you fall, you're going to be without the only Hope that's going to work for you. I was abused also and too kind for my own good really and yet I suffered.... that is until I got on my knees. Nothing I said or did in my life was going to convince me I was worthy of His love or being saved from anything and if I couldn't be convinced, if no amount of giving was ever enough and no amount of others loving me was, then how could He be? Having been abused the act of getting on my knees to ANYONE felt shaming and prevented me from doing that with Him. So, there I was needing Him so desperately but not being willing to turn myself totally over to Him out of shame and fear. I, eventually, sucked it up and did it and it has made all the difference. May you find Him now. And I don't say that in a flippant way. I say it lovingly. He loves you and is waiting for you.
(((((((((hugs Serenidad)))))))))
"God wouldn't do that, right? Through everything I've been thru I have remained an extremely loving person who would help anyone! I routinely help the homeless, the sick, the poor, children, animals...I can't be that bad, right?
Dear God, please help me. Show me the light, show me hope. You've saved me from death so many times. There has to be a reason, right? Please save me from this fatal disease so I can be of service to YOU. Help me so one day I can be the "light" for other people. Please don't give up on me. And please don't ever let me forget what I am & where I came from. Please take the obsession, compulsion & cravings away. I don't want to die."
This broke my heart because I remember so well.... like it was yesterday. With that in mind: Who are you doubting Serenidad? Who are you trying to prove you're worthy to? I posit that its not God but yourself. Until you're willing to find out once and for all if He does find you worthy... until you're ready to take that terrifying leap to see if He catches you or lets you fall, you're going to be without the only Hope that's going to work for you. I was abused also and too kind for my own good really and yet I suffered.... that is until I got on my knees. Nothing I said or did in my life was going to convince me I was worthy of His love or being saved from anything and if I couldn't be convinced, if no amount of giving was ever enough and no amount of others loving me was, then how could He be? Having been abused the act of getting on my knees to ANYONE felt shaming and prevented me from doing that with Him. So, there I was needing Him so desperately but not being willing to turn myself totally over to Him out of shame and fear. I, eventually, sucked it up and did it and it has made all the difference. May you find Him now. And I don't say that in a flippant way. I say it lovingly. He loves you and is waiting for you.
(((((((((hugs Serenidad)))))))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: North East Scotland
Posts: 487
Oh Serenidad, sending you big hugs (((())))
You can do this - you've done it before .... this will not beat you.
I agree with mns1 - I think you're stronger than what you give yourself credit for.
xxxx
You can do this - you've done it before .... this will not beat you.
I agree with mns1 - I think you're stronger than what you give yourself credit for.
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 300
Originally Posted by Serenidad
Time for me to get REAL! I am going to die if I don't get my crap together. I'm on day 1 again. I am no match for this monster!
I had 5 & 1/2 years of sobriety! Why the F--k did I drink again? I can't believe I have ever questioned that I am a full blown alcoholic! It's getting worse. The disease is progressing. It's happy. It wants me dead. It wants me to lose everything!
I'm scared. I feel weak. I feel so much shame & heart ache. Depression. Anxiety. Hopelessness. Fear. I HATE myself! Do I just end it all before it takes me anyway? NO! I will not give up! Alcoholism is the devil!
I have scratched & clawed my way thru my life since birth! An abusive home for 18 years, rape, molestation, just to name a few & I'm STILL here...but barely.
My disease has played so many games with my head this last 14 months since my relapse! It is a quiet whisper telling me I am not worthy of being happy. It may be that voice I heard from my own mother telling me "You're not good enough..I wish you weren't even here!" I really don't know WHAT it is but I want it to stop.
It's licked me! It's taking my soul. I am a shell of a person. I'm like the walking dead. It wants me to take my own life! Whether it be by alcohol or my own hand. It's dark. It's a swamp of quicksand. Its a feeling that maybe when I was born maybe God turned his head for a second and OOPS I was born.
God wouldn't do that, right? Through everything I've been thru I have remained an extremely loving person who would help anyone! I routinely help the homeless, the sick, the poor, children, animals...I can't be that bad, right?
Dear God, please help me. Show me the light, show me hope. You've saved me from death so many times. There has to be a reason, right? Please save me from this fatal disease so I can be of service to YOU. Help me so one day I can be the "light" for other people. Please don't give up on me. And please don't ever let me forget what I am & where I came from. Please take the obsession, compulsion & cravings away. I don't want to die.
I've been thru enough in my short life and I'm tired.
Thanks for reading. I just got a new sponsor and we are meeting on Sunday to work the steps and go to an AA meeting. I'm also going to a meeting tonite & tomorrow. My new sponsor gave me a spark of hope that things can get better.
I NEVER want to feel this bad again emotionally. Pleases, my dear SR friends. Don't give up on me. I feel like such an idiot...not worthy of anyone caring about me. I've been so damn wishy-washy & a total lunatic on here for the past 14 months! Forgive me. That's not really "me"...it's alcohol. Please...if you pray...I could use some. I pray for everyone on SR, in AA & all those still struggling every single night & always will.
If you have some sobriety, please don't let you AV pull you back into the quicksand. It's hell!
Bless you all.
I had 5 & 1/2 years of sobriety! Why the F--k did I drink again? I can't believe I have ever questioned that I am a full blown alcoholic! It's getting worse. The disease is progressing. It's happy. It wants me dead. It wants me to lose everything!
I'm scared. I feel weak. I feel so much shame & heart ache. Depression. Anxiety. Hopelessness. Fear. I HATE myself! Do I just end it all before it takes me anyway? NO! I will not give up! Alcoholism is the devil!
I have scratched & clawed my way thru my life since birth! An abusive home for 18 years, rape, molestation, just to name a few & I'm STILL here...but barely.
My disease has played so many games with my head this last 14 months since my relapse! It is a quiet whisper telling me I am not worthy of being happy. It may be that voice I heard from my own mother telling me "You're not good enough..I wish you weren't even here!" I really don't know WHAT it is but I want it to stop.
It's licked me! It's taking my soul. I am a shell of a person. I'm like the walking dead. It wants me to take my own life! Whether it be by alcohol or my own hand. It's dark. It's a swamp of quicksand. Its a feeling that maybe when I was born maybe God turned his head for a second and OOPS I was born.
God wouldn't do that, right? Through everything I've been thru I have remained an extremely loving person who would help anyone! I routinely help the homeless, the sick, the poor, children, animals...I can't be that bad, right?
Dear God, please help me. Show me the light, show me hope. You've saved me from death so many times. There has to be a reason, right? Please save me from this fatal disease so I can be of service to YOU. Help me so one day I can be the "light" for other people. Please don't give up on me. And please don't ever let me forget what I am & where I came from. Please take the obsession, compulsion & cravings away. I don't want to die.
I've been thru enough in my short life and I'm tired.
Thanks for reading. I just got a new sponsor and we are meeting on Sunday to work the steps and go to an AA meeting. I'm also going to a meeting tonite & tomorrow. My new sponsor gave me a spark of hope that things can get better.
I NEVER want to feel this bad again emotionally. Pleases, my dear SR friends. Don't give up on me. I feel like such an idiot...not worthy of anyone caring about me. I've been so damn wishy-washy & a total lunatic on here for the past 14 months! Forgive me. That's not really "me"...it's alcohol. Please...if you pray...I could use some. I pray for everyone on SR, in AA & all those still struggling every single night & always will.
If you have some sobriety, please don't let you AV pull you back into the quicksand. It's hell!
Bless you all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 169
Prayers, prayers, prayers !!! The only way out - for me - was the gift of a spiritual awakening 71 days ago, but had to suffer a LOT to get that gift. Can't explain the reprieve, nor understand why or how. It's just Grace. HANG IN THERE !!!!
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