Hello, Friends.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
Hello, Friends.
Hi, everyone. I am new to this forum.
Obviously, I have come here for a reason. I am an alcoholic. I want to change my life...but the nature of addiction makes this seem impossible, at times.
Currently, I drink 4-5 cases of light beer per week. Usually I will consume 2 1/2 cases over a weekend. At work, I am looked at as bright and a very good performer. I know, however, that I am only operating at about 25% of my capacity. I do miss some days on the job. Not from the hangovers, but from the depression and social withdrawal. On the subject of social withdrawal, it is a major issue for me. Simple things, such as getting my hair cut, or leaving the house, have become a major challenge. Last week I did get a hair cut, and bought myself some new clothes...this was truly a major accomplishment for me.
I have been to rehab twice. Once for ten days, and once for twenty-one. The second stint helped me to stop drinking for nearly two years. Two years ago, I was diagnosed as bi-polar. I did not believe it at the time, but after deep reflection, I can see that my life has been a succession of manic and depressive episodes. Around that time, I also took a handful of pills while drunk (50+ librium, and others). I was hospitalized for three days. Upon exit, I stayed sober for 6 months. But depression/boredom brought my back to alcohol.
So, now it has been about 20 months since I started drinking again. I've gained 40 lbs and am suffering from high blood pressure. I am even afraid to get blood work done, for fear of what it might say. I had a counselor for a period, but my insurance does not cover addiction...and thus they stopped seeing me.
At home we have talked about me going into rehab again. But it is $7k for 28 days. We can afford it, but I am not convinced it is really the answer. Over the past 20 months I have stopped for 5+ days numerous times, and even 20 days at one point. So, I am confident that I can detox on my own. But the will to quit, the strong desire, is what eludes me. I guess it could be said that I know alcohol is destroying my life, but I am still fond of it in some ways. It is like a nightmare relationship that I can't seem to escape. I think this is a good analogy...because I have had numerous toxic relationships that I could not quit.
I don't know the answer for me. But I know that I need to do something, or else something catastrophic will happen...sooner or later.
Thanks for listening, and happy holidays to all.
Obviously, I have come here for a reason. I am an alcoholic. I want to change my life...but the nature of addiction makes this seem impossible, at times.
Currently, I drink 4-5 cases of light beer per week. Usually I will consume 2 1/2 cases over a weekend. At work, I am looked at as bright and a very good performer. I know, however, that I am only operating at about 25% of my capacity. I do miss some days on the job. Not from the hangovers, but from the depression and social withdrawal. On the subject of social withdrawal, it is a major issue for me. Simple things, such as getting my hair cut, or leaving the house, have become a major challenge. Last week I did get a hair cut, and bought myself some new clothes...this was truly a major accomplishment for me.
I have been to rehab twice. Once for ten days, and once for twenty-one. The second stint helped me to stop drinking for nearly two years. Two years ago, I was diagnosed as bi-polar. I did not believe it at the time, but after deep reflection, I can see that my life has been a succession of manic and depressive episodes. Around that time, I also took a handful of pills while drunk (50+ librium, and others). I was hospitalized for three days. Upon exit, I stayed sober for 6 months. But depression/boredom brought my back to alcohol.
So, now it has been about 20 months since I started drinking again. I've gained 40 lbs and am suffering from high blood pressure. I am even afraid to get blood work done, for fear of what it might say. I had a counselor for a period, but my insurance does not cover addiction...and thus they stopped seeing me.
At home we have talked about me going into rehab again. But it is $7k for 28 days. We can afford it, but I am not convinced it is really the answer. Over the past 20 months I have stopped for 5+ days numerous times, and even 20 days at one point. So, I am confident that I can detox on my own. But the will to quit, the strong desire, is what eludes me. I guess it could be said that I know alcohol is destroying my life, but I am still fond of it in some ways. It is like a nightmare relationship that I can't seem to escape. I think this is a good analogy...because I have had numerous toxic relationships that I could not quit.
I don't know the answer for me. But I know that I need to do something, or else something catastrophic will happen...sooner or later.
Thanks for listening, and happy holidays to all.
I hope the support here can help you stop drinking for good. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Welcome to SR
You have a pretty solid understanding of you underlying issues such as bi-polar.
You also had some solid sober periods.
Maybe some additional support is what you need, or a different plan.
Glad you found us
You have a pretty solid understanding of you underlying issues such as bi-polar.
You also had some solid sober periods.
Maybe some additional support is what you need, or a different plan.
Glad you found us
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome to SR AladdinSane
This is a great community - it really helped me turn myself oaround - I know you'll find that kind of help here too.
If withdrawal, in whatever form, is extreme for you, it might be a good idea to see your Dr and talk about this?
D
This is a great community - it really helped me turn myself oaround - I know you'll find that kind of help here too.
If withdrawal, in whatever form, is extreme for you, it might be a good idea to see your Dr and talk about this?
D
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome to SR, AladdinSane 
You' ll find nothing but support and understanding here. There is lots of experience on how people stay sober here on the boards.
Please don't wait until your catastrophe happens.
Have you thought about going to AA or investigating other recovery programmes, such as AVRT ?
Glad to have you with us.
You' ll find nothing but support and understanding here. There is lots of experience on how people stay sober here on the boards.
Please don't wait until your catastrophe happens.
Have you thought about going to AA or investigating other recovery programmes, such as AVRT ?
Glad to have you with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Welcome to SR AladdinSane
This is a great community - it really helped me turn myself oaround - I know you'll find that kind of help here too.
If withdrawal, in whatever form, is extreme for you, it might be a good idea to see your Dr and talk about this?
D
This is a great community - it really helped me turn myself oaround - I know you'll find that kind of help here too.
If withdrawal, in whatever form, is extreme for you, it might be a good idea to see your Dr and talk about this?
D
I have found that my social anxiety increases tremendously when I am drinking on a regular basis. I think it best to address to root issue (addiction) first. I am not a doctor, and I don't pretend to offer medical advice to anyone. But thank you for your input, and I will give it some consideration!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by JanieJ
Welcome to SR, AladdinSane
You' ll find nothing but support and understanding here. There is lots of experience on how people stay sober here on the boards.
Please don't wait until your catastrophe happens.
Have you thought about going to AA or investigating other recovery programmes, such as AVRT ?
Glad to have you with us.
You' ll find nothing but support and understanding here. There is lots of experience on how people stay sober here on the boards.
Please don't wait until your catastrophe happens.
Have you thought about going to AA or investigating other recovery programmes, such as AVRT ?
Glad to have you with us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
Reading a little on AVRT. In recent years I have become a lot better at identifying my "addictive brain" speaking to me. Here is a good example: I have found that I can normally drink 10-12 beers as night, during the week, and not have a major hangover. However, if I drink even 6 on a Friday night, Saturday I will feel horrible. It is my addictive mind doing this. Making me feel "bad", knowing that I will drink in order to make this "horrible" hangover go away....and often drink all day, carrying the pattern into Sunday.
One thing I don't embrace about AA is the concept that we are powerless against alcohol. Once, when I went to see a doctor about my alcohol problem. He flatly told me, "you are powerless against alcohol". We had a debate over that. I told him that if I were truly powerless, I would not be in his office at that moment. That being said, I support people doing what helps them. My mom is a sponsor in AA.
In my case, I do believe that I have the power to change. I have done it in the past. What I don't quite have the power to do, is change my behavior with the snap of my fingers. And I know that I need better strategies for long-term success. So, I am going to try to figure out a new strategy this time, because the old one isn't the long term fix. Since 2008, I have split my time between drinking and abstaining. But the last few years have been a challenge, with only perhaps a year of abstinence.
I am glad that I have found this place on the web. In appears to be a great resource, and I am looking forward to recovery.
One thing I don't embrace about AA is the concept that we are powerless against alcohol. Once, when I went to see a doctor about my alcohol problem. He flatly told me, "you are powerless against alcohol". We had a debate over that. I told him that if I were truly powerless, I would not be in his office at that moment. That being said, I support people doing what helps them. My mom is a sponsor in AA.
In my case, I do believe that I have the power to change. I have done it in the past. What I don't quite have the power to do, is change my behavior with the snap of my fingers. And I know that I need better strategies for long-term success. So, I am going to try to figure out a new strategy this time, because the old one isn't the long term fix. Since 2008, I have split my time between drinking and abstaining. But the last few years have been a challenge, with only perhaps a year of abstinence.
I am glad that I have found this place on the web. In appears to be a great resource, and I am looking forward to recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
I should also add that I don't wish to mislead anyone. While I may "sound" totally rational, I am definitely caught up in addiction. I haven't taken a day off from drinking, I don't think, in about 3 weeks.
What I am working on now, is a plan. I want to fix this, but it won't be easy, and it won't be a fast fix. That is one thing I have learned over the years...when you spend many years creating a mess, you will need time to fix it. I think that is one of the hardest things about becoming sober...seeing the world that you have created, as it truly is. It can be very uncomfortable, and it takes courage to face it without seeking the comfort of your addiction.
What I am working on now, is a plan. I want to fix this, but it won't be easy, and it won't be a fast fix. That is one thing I have learned over the years...when you spend many years creating a mess, you will need time to fix it. I think that is one of the hardest things about becoming sober...seeing the world that you have created, as it truly is. It can be very uncomfortable, and it takes courage to face it without seeking the comfort of your addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Jsbodhi
Hi!
Welcome and I look forward to following your progress
Welcome and I look forward to following your progress
“I have not failed 10,000 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in proving that those 10,000 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that will not work, I will find the way that will work.”
Of course, there are probably 10,000 versions of this quote...but it's core principle rings true, regardless.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Love that quote!!
The key thing is whatever you did this weekend doesn't work, so change things up, more support, more structure to your routines, whatever it is make a few changes and go at things again!!
Exhaust all 10,000 (hopefully it'll not take that many
) ways forward and you'll get there!!
The key thing is whatever you did this weekend doesn't work, so change things up, more support, more structure to your routines, whatever it is make a few changes and go at things again!!
Exhaust all 10,000 (hopefully it'll not take that many
) ways forward and you'll get there!! 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Hevyn
I believe you'll find a way that will work Aladdin. You sound fed up with your current situation - and ready to begin a new and better life. We know you can.
I surely don't feel "powerless" against alcohol...but I sure know I could use some help. So, I am pondering a stay in rehab....to adjust my priorities, and help me feel OK in social settings again.
I have been struggling for months...feeling that I don't want to take time off from work, not wanting to lose an "edge" there, or be thought of as a "non-contributor".
However, I am starting to see that my concerns are placed in the wrong areas. My health should be my first priority. If I am healthy, my work performance will increase 10X...for whatever company I am an asset to.
Anyway, I expect to make a decision on inpatient treatment, this week. I also have a feeler out to a therapist. We will see where this goes. The main thing is, there needs to be an immediate change of course.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 100
I often tell people this:
When a ship travels the sea, the Captain makes gradual course adjustments in order for the ship to meet it's intended destination. However, when a ship is way off-course he sometimes needs to make radical adjustments to it's course. Whenever we find ourselves off-course...we need to measure our course adjustments properly. For me, right now, I need a radical adjustment to right my course.
When a ship travels the sea, the Captain makes gradual course adjustments in order for the ship to meet it's intended destination. However, when a ship is way off-course he sometimes needs to make radical adjustments to it's course. Whenever we find ourselves off-course...we need to measure our course adjustments properly. For me, right now, I need a radical adjustment to right my course.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by AladdinSane
What I am working on now, is a plan.
Don't overthink this. Quit drinking, find a way to support your decision to get sober, and work on the things in your life that drive you to alcohol.
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