Gray area of custody
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Gray area of custody
Crap! I screwed up and dont know what to do...
I have not heard back from my lawyer yet, am upset and frazzled and need to talk to you all...
In our iron clad, black and white parenting plan, SIGNED BY THE JUDGE- YAY!!!! it outlines ALL the steps that need to occur around xAH's sobriety when he is with the kids.
However, it does not clearly, explicitly state that these same conditions apply when he shows up on my parenting time at the kids events, HAMMERED, stumbling drunk like last night.
He was PLASTERED at DD9s school last night. For her xmas concert. He texted me saying his breathalyzer was not with him and I told him mine was, he needed to take it or stay away. He came up to the kids and I anyway, was disgustingly drunk and refused the breathalyzer.
Per the parenting plan, when this happens during parenting time, he then loses his next parenting time.
I have told him that his antics last night = no overnight this weekend per the parenting plan.
He is irate, and saying that bc it was not his official parenting time, that doesnt apply (the breathalyzer issue).
I feel like it's a gray area I did not think of and am pissed at myself and afraid for my kids.
Any thoughts???
I have not heard back from my lawyer yet, am upset and frazzled and need to talk to you all...
In our iron clad, black and white parenting plan, SIGNED BY THE JUDGE- YAY!!!! it outlines ALL the steps that need to occur around xAH's sobriety when he is with the kids.
However, it does not clearly, explicitly state that these same conditions apply when he shows up on my parenting time at the kids events, HAMMERED, stumbling drunk like last night.
He was PLASTERED at DD9s school last night. For her xmas concert. He texted me saying his breathalyzer was not with him and I told him mine was, he needed to take it or stay away. He came up to the kids and I anyway, was disgustingly drunk and refused the breathalyzer.
Per the parenting plan, when this happens during parenting time, he then loses his next parenting time.
I have told him that his antics last night = no overnight this weekend per the parenting plan.
He is irate, and saying that bc it was not his official parenting time, that doesnt apply (the breathalyzer issue).
I feel like it's a gray area I did not think of and am pissed at myself and afraid for my kids.
Any thoughts???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Done. And the police were called last night too. I am not going to have it on my conscience that he's driving around drunk, showing up hammered at kids events-- EVERY parent of kids in 5th grade were there last night-- dozens of families watching him stumble around.
I am furious and disgusted and DONE being quiet.
I am furious and disgusted and DONE being quiet.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
You did the right thing. Your poor DD must have been mortified and here he is trying to cut hair over some darn parenting plan instead of seeing what he did to her!
Maybe it is time to change your avatar?
Maybe it is time to change your avatar?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like you handled it just fine.
It's possible there won't be huge consequences for him this time, but he's just taken a HUGE dent to his credibility.
In my experience, these guys tend to do way more to themselves if we give them a little bit of rope than anything we could possibly come up with on our own.
Don't worry about your agreement. You don't have a fatal loophole in there. If he keeps this up, the court will have no choice but to intervene.
It's possible there won't be huge consequences for him this time, but he's just taken a HUGE dent to his credibility.
In my experience, these guys tend to do way more to themselves if we give them a little bit of rope than anything we could possibly come up with on our own.
Don't worry about your agreement. You don't have a fatal loophole in there. If he keeps this up, the court will have no choice but to intervene.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Love the new avatar idea!!! The thing I like about scaredy squirrel is that he's this character who does stuff that scares the hell out of him. And he realizes life is better living that way and does it more and more. That's the part of scaredy squirrel I love.
Originally Posted by Carlotta 
You did the right thing. Your poor DD must have been mortified and here he is trying to cut hair over some darn parenting plan instead of seeing what he did to her!
Maybe it is time to change your avatar?
Maybe it is time to change your avatar?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Yes it is a gray area.
I would think that you can only adhere to your parenting plan as you can't control what happens in public situations.
It's such a shame for the children.
At least you know they won't be going home with him like that & that their safety isn't at risk.
Hang in there.
Hugs.
I would think that you can only adhere to your parenting plan as you can't control what happens in public situations.
It's such a shame for the children.
At least you know they won't be going home with him like that & that their safety isn't at risk.
Hang in there.
Hugs.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Funny thing happened this weekend...
I held my ground, gray area and all. And I let xah know that if and when child services call me I fully intend to let them know all my concerns. That is simply a fact. But it's one I said out loud to xah.
Next thing I know he sent me an addendum to the parenting plan that he proposes we add that states he will prove sobriety anytime he is around he kids.
He is clearly afraid of child services and proposing this to make himself look more agreeable.
But you know what? Who cares what his motives are!!! I erred in not adding that initially and now he's the one offering to add it.
Win win.
I held my ground, gray area and all. And I let xah know that if and when child services call me I fully intend to let them know all my concerns. That is simply a fact. But it's one I said out loud to xah.
Next thing I know he sent me an addendum to the parenting plan that he proposes we add that states he will prove sobriety anytime he is around he kids.
He is clearly afraid of child services and proposing this to make himself look more agreeable.
But you know what? Who cares what his motives are!!! I erred in not adding that initially and now he's the one offering to add it.
Win win.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Not familiar with aunt slappy but will have to check that character out 
Originally Posted by Hammer
I am thinking more along the lines of "Aunt Slappy."
You familiar with her? Not too much gets by her.
You familiar with her? Not too much gets by her.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
WTBH, when he's sober, tell him your DD will probably be teased by her classmates because of his showing her up in front of them and their families. It happened to me, and it's not nice. Don't know if it will do any good, but he needs to understand.
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