four812

Used Saturday....and now day 2. It seems not worth trying as it's been 13 years since my first hit of crack. I've had 23, 18, & 12, months clean during these years but keep making the choice to go back. In the last 6 months I've given crack city much of my earnings and spent more on cars,gas,medical, and pipes choreboy and aluminum foil and incidentals.

Still I want to use. Still I want to run from me. Still I live in self punishment self loathing and anger and remorse and shame.

I deleted drug numbers and have non memorized but I still know where to go.

Ashamedof

Four, I'm so sorry you're struggling. I wish I could give you a hug. Can you think back to the day you relapsed and see if anything triggered it? You were doing so well and I know you want to quit. Maybe just for today you hit up a meeting?? Shoot, go to 10 if it will keep your mind straight and focused. How is your family? Is the wife aware of what's going on??

four812

Thanks ashamedof

I did go to a meeting and have worked through today's urges and fears insteadoif running.

My sponsor gave me a tough love shelling which may have been a good idea who knows. Kind of a reading of the riot act but no ill feelings on my end. I understand the difficulties of sponsoring a relapser, and have resorted to that myself back when I did some sponsoring.

But I'm not asking for pity. Not his or anyone's here or in my therapies. I report the truth of using and try again. Hopefully some people get a positive out of my trials and error and are motivated to stay the path.

Dee74

Hi Four
I kept up the crap while I thought I could get away with it.

Maybe it's time to accept you can't get away with it anymore - think of all the things and people you're risking here.

Just because we've done something for years is no reason to keep doing...and there's absolutely no reason to give up hope either.

People can change, and they do turn their lives around.

You need to work really hard - you have to deal with life without that aftrey blanket and you have to deal with wanting to and denying yourself...but it's not impossible...and there's support here and other places like NA.

If you want to change, you can. And I believe you want to.
Don't listen to your addiction telling you how hopeless it is - that's BS

D

EyesOfAStranger

(((Four))) I wish I had some good advice I could offer, but I'm not equipped. Just want you to know you're not alone, and often I wish I could run from myself as well. I do believe in you, I do believe you can do this.

Lostinhk

Hi Four,

I'm sorry to hear that you used, but I'm happy to see you back, we've been worried and wondering about you.

Last thing I remember is you going on vacation and feeling pretty good beforehand, did something in particular happen that made you want to use?

four812

Hi everyone and thanks for your encouragement and discussion

I'm doing ok so far on another day four. Hey FOUR days. Now how about 4 months and onward would be nice. The 4-8-12 is my sobriety date that started during probation.

I had a thought a little while ago but it has passed. What can I do when I have a thought/urge?

Let me see:

Tell my addict voice to shut the duck up

Feel the urge for what it is ...physically and mentally. Look at it from the part of me that is the observer and let the feeling be and don't run from it (I will not explode)

Sit down and close my eyes and take 10deep breaths and go into meditation.

Call someone in recovery and tell them I want to use

Call anyone just to talk (ie my kids)

Pray (which for me is more like an affirmation....ie "I pray to be honest and kind and willing to change"

Check out HALT (hungry angry lonely tired). And try to take care of anything that needs attention

Check out HOW( am I being honest open and willing?)

Go to a meeting

WRITE/READ/POST

Listen to self help talks

Listen to music

Write a gratitude list.

And if all else fails have someone duct tape me so I can't move or
Go to a police station and make a donation of the money in my wallet and my car keys

Some of these things can be done when I'm not having an urge also and should be part of daily activity

Ok I'm gonna do the deep breaths and meditation and go from there!

Chasingthedream

Hey, 4 days seems like a pretty big achievement, be proud of yourself.

Sounds like you know how to look after yourself, now the hard part is putting that into practice and staying clean, an hour at a time.

I am trying to tell myself that when I'm having a bad day, just getting into bed and watching a film is ok. Rather than putting pressure on myself constantly to be perfect. I find it hard to say "I am good enough", " what I'm doing is good enough"- maybe you do too, and this is why you struggle and relapse?

Well done on your 4 days, concentrate on making it to 5, rather than feeling bad it isn't 4 months.

Be kind to yourself

four812

Insist found out have the rest of the day free at work. The urge has set in. Now is the time to get in hear and put anti-using options into practice

My heart rate is up and I feel smothered I want to run.

I want to delete this post so I can use with no guilt-shame. That's funny ... If I use then guilt and shame will eventually overwhelm me for a while.

I will not explode. I will sit in this discomfort. I'm supposed to have dinner with my son so I will text him to finalize details

I want to delete that paragraph and this whole post again.

That is how my mind works when an urge comes. It going on right now.

Chasingthedream

But you didn't delete it. You posted it, and that means at least part of you doesn't want to give in.

What if tomorrow it was a little easier. If you use today, you'll never give yourself a chance to find out

four812

What if it was easier tomorrow? What if I use today that I will take it to the end and never stop? Nice questions. Thanks.

My early dinner is set now. But he said he might be late and my head says I can stop first at bank then and be ready

Get the duck away from me thoughts. I pray to be kind to the world and myself.

AnvilheadII

four.....until you make the decision that using again is not an option EVER AGAIN, NO MATTER WHAT....those thoughts will keep hounding you.

not for any reason, at any time, ever. anything short of that will see you wrappred around a pipe again in no time. your brain is short circuiting right now - it needs time to heal. LOTS of time.

my husband and i are EIGHT years crack free this month. it can be done. the freedom is indescribable.

you gonna let a stupid lousy ass drug run your life, tell you what to do, come before your wife and kids, your own sanity....or you gonna kick it to the curb NOW and get on with life???

four812

Perhaps crack gives me a reason to live when I have none. And then the more I do ...the less I have to live for ...so I need more and think I want more

So far so good but every 10 minutes it a fricken battle zone in my head and my body right now

four812

Thanks anvil and I agree....I continue to refuse to close the door. I'm keeping it cracked open for sometime somewhere. I'm hanging on to it thinking that there can be one more one last time. I've been doing this for a long time. It is exhausting to use and after a while it's exhausting to not use

So now i am angry. I have not felt anger at crack in a long time but right now I am angry at it. I'd suppose under that I am angry at me and at my whole life and at the world.

Now come the duck its and the duck you's. Yep but for that moment i was angry at crack.

Then I want a cigarette then it makes me jumpy-ER and want more. The cigarettes only make my stop crack attempts more difficult....but in clinging to them as well

Chasingthedream

How are you getting on four?

I hope you closed the door at least for today

EyesOfAStranger

Four - you are not alone....I understand those thoughts that go through your head. I can make a pretty good bet that most if not all of us understand. You're not crazy, you're not a bad person, you're an addict. We're sick is all - we just need to get well.

When I was getting those urges, particularly the "I can use today, I can stop tomorrow" I would listen to this song and it would help me. It's off the Heroin Diaries, you can find it on youtube if interested in hearing the song....but even the lyrics are powerful. Hope you made it through the day. You know I will always be in your corner

"Tommorrow"


Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

SIXX:A.M.

Lostinhk

Hey mate... Remember last time you used? It was really difficult for you for the following few days, I think that's what's happening to you this time around.

Stick it out and you know you'll feel better. You seemed to be in a good place a couple weeks ago, try and get to that place again but this time try even harder to not let it be an excuse to go to crack city and "celebrate".

AnvilheadII

Perhaps crack gives me a reason to live when I have none.

really???? you have NO reason to live? if I recall you have a WIFE and CHILDREN. just how much more blessed do you need to be?

do ya see just how whacked crack makes our thinking??? you have everything you need to have a happy contented life, but the crack has to go. or it will destroy it all.

it's just a stupid drug, dude. and it NEVER EVER makes anything better.

mejo

Four, I was thinking about you today and was hoping you made it through. I am on the other side of the street and trying to stay there, but as I am sure you are very aware, staying there is hard. I try not to get in my AHs business. I guess I need to try harder.

Please remember your wife and kids, as Anvil stated. My H just walked out on us because he needs drugs more than he needs us or more than he wants to see me hurt. Listen, I know you cannot stay clean for anyone other than yourself, but think of them when you are weak, if possible.

Praying for you!

Chasingthedream

Hey Four, looks like there are lots of us rooting for you and wondering how you are? I really hope you made it home clean after dinner with your son the other night.
If not, just come back and try again. That's all you can do.