Relapse after 4 months
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Relapse after 4 months
Hey guys, I haven't been around in a while, maybe I thought I had this thing beat, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm not sure about a lot of things. But I'm back, even though I have no idea how to progress from this point.
The whole thing feels so predictable, even though I really thought I had made all the right steps:
I changed my mobile number so my dealer could no longer send me those annoying 'get your orders in early for the weekend' texts, and so I had absolutely no way (or so I thought) to get his number by looking through old bills...
I stopped going out and putting myself in situations where I knew people would be doing coke and where I might be tempted.
I even scaled down my 40th birthday celebrations so that I went out for a low key lunch with friends, in stead of the evening bash I had planned...
I made a couple of big life decisions- I decided to quit my job as I realised it was making me miserable and that I was turning to coke as a way to relieve that misery and boredom
Maybe the issue was with what I DIDN'T do?
I didn't quit drinking- I have never had a problem with booze and I didn't think it was so much of a trigger as I made choices to pick up even when I wasn't drinking.
For the first 4 months I revelled in my new life without coke. Every night I would get into bed, sink into the lovely sheets and thank my lucky stars I wasn't high. Every day I would savour the little moments with my girls, happy that I was present mentally and physically.
But then I guess you start to lose the bad memories. The reasons why you wanted to stop become hazy, you know people are carrying on around you and you start to justify it to yourself. Even though I can't pretend to myself it wasn't an issue, or that I never had that much of a problem.
I was never a daily user. I was a recreational user of drugs for 15 years, but then the coke started to catch up with me. Once I'd had children and I wasn't able to go out much anymore, I had to start getting the drugs secretly and use at home, mostly without my husband knowing, although sometimes we did it together.
I used on average probably fortnightly, sometimes weekly. To some people that might not sound like much, but it was in secret, and it was an urge I had no control over. But when you feel like you haven't hit rock bottom, it's easier for that internal voice to justify it to you. But I know I have a problem, otherwise I would have quit for good 10 years ago when I first started to realise that it was no longer fun or recreational.
I felt like I had done some soul searching over the past 4 months- and realised that the previous notion I'd had, that I did drugs because they were fun, and that I did more than other people because hey I was just more fun than they were, was totally wrong. I realised that I had begun using drugs probably to fit in, and cover up the insecurity and low self esteem I'd felt since I was a child, and then I'd carried on as a way to carry on dealing with the challenges of life. I lost both my parents a few years ago, and I used a lot around those periods.
I think coming to terms with some basic truths about me had scared me and I started to realise that I had become, in some respects, emotionally stunted- drugs just cover up problems, and those problems will be there ten fold when you stop.
Maybe that was another reason why I relapsed. I was frightened about the work ahead.
So far I have used 4 times since I relapsed. Never in secret (that is at least something). But something has to give. I can't change my phone number again. This time the choice has to come from within and I need somehow to get the strength from within.
My husband feels the same. Even though he doesn't have a problem like I do, he is very health conscious and has a very responsible job and he is as fed up as I am that we don't seem to be able to get past this thing.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I'm also guessing that I need to give up alcohol to give myself the best chance. What does everyone think?
The whole thing feels so predictable, even though I really thought I had made all the right steps:
I changed my mobile number so my dealer could no longer send me those annoying 'get your orders in early for the weekend' texts, and so I had absolutely no way (or so I thought) to get his number by looking through old bills...
I stopped going out and putting myself in situations where I knew people would be doing coke and where I might be tempted.
I even scaled down my 40th birthday celebrations so that I went out for a low key lunch with friends, in stead of the evening bash I had planned...
I made a couple of big life decisions- I decided to quit my job as I realised it was making me miserable and that I was turning to coke as a way to relieve that misery and boredom
Maybe the issue was with what I DIDN'T do?
I didn't quit drinking- I have never had a problem with booze and I didn't think it was so much of a trigger as I made choices to pick up even when I wasn't drinking.
For the first 4 months I revelled in my new life without coke. Every night I would get into bed, sink into the lovely sheets and thank my lucky stars I wasn't high. Every day I would savour the little moments with my girls, happy that I was present mentally and physically.
But then I guess you start to lose the bad memories. The reasons why you wanted to stop become hazy, you know people are carrying on around you and you start to justify it to yourself. Even though I can't pretend to myself it wasn't an issue, or that I never had that much of a problem.
I was never a daily user. I was a recreational user of drugs for 15 years, but then the coke started to catch up with me. Once I'd had children and I wasn't able to go out much anymore, I had to start getting the drugs secretly and use at home, mostly without my husband knowing, although sometimes we did it together.
I used on average probably fortnightly, sometimes weekly. To some people that might not sound like much, but it was in secret, and it was an urge I had no control over. But when you feel like you haven't hit rock bottom, it's easier for that internal voice to justify it to you. But I know I have a problem, otherwise I would have quit for good 10 years ago when I first started to realise that it was no longer fun or recreational.
I felt like I had done some soul searching over the past 4 months- and realised that the previous notion I'd had, that I did drugs because they were fun, and that I did more than other people because hey I was just more fun than they were, was totally wrong. I realised that I had begun using drugs probably to fit in, and cover up the insecurity and low self esteem I'd felt since I was a child, and then I'd carried on as a way to carry on dealing with the challenges of life. I lost both my parents a few years ago, and I used a lot around those periods.
I think coming to terms with some basic truths about me had scared me and I started to realise that I had become, in some respects, emotionally stunted- drugs just cover up problems, and those problems will be there ten fold when you stop.
Maybe that was another reason why I relapsed. I was frightened about the work ahead.
So far I have used 4 times since I relapsed. Never in secret (that is at least something). But something has to give. I can't change my phone number again. This time the choice has to come from within and I need somehow to get the strength from within.
My husband feels the same. Even though he doesn't have a problem like I do, he is very health conscious and has a very responsible job and he is as fed up as I am that we don't seem to be able to get past this thing.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I'm also guessing that I need to give up alcohol to give myself the best chance. What does everyone think?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 1,947
Welcome back chasing...
I have had the unwillingness to give up the alcohol as well so I can relate.
You could try giving up the alcohol and see how far you can go without. It could help with your recovery.
Keep posting!
I have had the unwillingness to give up the alcohol as well so I can relate.
You could try giving up the alcohol and see how far you can go without. It could help with your recovery.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
Welcome Chasing,
It sounds as if you really want to change - that you see your use of cocaine as a problem, and that's a big step! Of course it's up to you, but drinking alcohol is really not a good strategy to help stay off cocaine as it is a powerful drug in it's own right. Alcohol will lower your resolve and cloud your judgement - not a good recipe when trying to stay clean! In fact alcohol is in many respects far more dangerous than cocaine even though it is a more socially acceptable drug to use.
Something missing from your post struck me - unless you just didn't mention it, it doesn't sound like you've really reached out fully yet. This website is a great place for support and is highly regarded, but many of us need more than the internet. Also myself and many others have found that "willpower" really doesn't cut it when we have substance use issues. Reaching out for professional help - a counselor or therapist who specializes in addiction - could be just what you need. She or he can outline a program for you - can help you work out a plan to get better. I know it seems hopeless at times - like you're all alone against this tide of anxiety and stress - but we've all felt that - that's very normal if not very much fun.
There's an African saying I like to quote a lot: "When you pray, move your feet." So you've tried willpower, changing your numbers etc. and that doesn't seem to be working. Try a new course and see how that works out - reach out - find some support in person- and post here regularly as a way to vent and process what you learn and feel. There's a life free of substance use ahead - you're making the right moves...right now. Just consider if it might not be better to get some assistance on this one.
It sounds as if you really want to change - that you see your use of cocaine as a problem, and that's a big step! Of course it's up to you, but drinking alcohol is really not a good strategy to help stay off cocaine as it is a powerful drug in it's own right. Alcohol will lower your resolve and cloud your judgement - not a good recipe when trying to stay clean! In fact alcohol is in many respects far more dangerous than cocaine even though it is a more socially acceptable drug to use.
Something missing from your post struck me - unless you just didn't mention it, it doesn't sound like you've really reached out fully yet. This website is a great place for support and is highly regarded, but many of us need more than the internet. Also myself and many others have found that "willpower" really doesn't cut it when we have substance use issues. Reaching out for professional help - a counselor or therapist who specializes in addiction - could be just what you need. She or he can outline a program for you - can help you work out a plan to get better. I know it seems hopeless at times - like you're all alone against this tide of anxiety and stress - but we've all felt that - that's very normal if not very much fun.
There's an African saying I like to quote a lot: "When you pray, move your feet." So you've tried willpower, changing your numbers etc. and that doesn't seem to be working. Try a new course and see how that works out - reach out - find some support in person- and post here regularly as a way to vent and process what you learn and feel. There's a life free of substance use ahead - you're making the right moves...right now. Just consider if it might not be better to get some assistance on this one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 31
I've heard that alcohol is the number one reason cocaine addicts relapse. I firmly believe the NA/AA saying a drug is a drug is a drug (alcohol is a liquid drug). It's all the same stuff. It took me about 5-6 relapses to learn that....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Originally Posted by Climber122 
Welcome Chasing,
It sounds as if you really want to change - that you see your use of cocaine as a problem, and that's a big step! Of course it's up to you, but drinking alcohol is really not a good strategy to help stay off cocaine as it is a powerful drug in it's own right. Alcohol will lower your resolve and cloud your judgement - not a good recipe when trying to stay clean! In fact alcohol is in many respects far more dangerous than cocaine even though it is a more socially acceptable drug to use.
Something missing from your post struck me - unless you just didn't mention it, it doesn't sound like you've really reached out fully yet. This website is a great place for support and is highly regarded, but many of us need more than the internet. Also myself and many others have found that "willpower" really doesn't cut it when we have substance use issues. Reaching out for professional help - a counselor or therapist who specializes in addiction - could be just what you need. She or he can outline a program for you - can help you work out a plan to get better. I know it seems hopeless at times - like you're all alone against this tide of anxiety and stress - but we've all felt that - that's very normal if not very much fun.
There's an African saying I like to quote a lot: "When you pray, move your feet." So you've tried willpower, changing your numbers etc. and that doesn't seem to be working. Try a new course and see how that works out - reach out - find some support in person- and post here regularly as a way to vent and process what you learn and feel. There's a life free of substance use ahead - you're making the right moves...right now. Just consider if it might not be better to get some assistance on this one.
It sounds as if you really want to change - that you see your use of cocaine as a problem, and that's a big step! Of course it's up to you, but drinking alcohol is really not a good strategy to help stay off cocaine as it is a powerful drug in it's own right. Alcohol will lower your resolve and cloud your judgement - not a good recipe when trying to stay clean! In fact alcohol is in many respects far more dangerous than cocaine even though it is a more socially acceptable drug to use.
Something missing from your post struck me - unless you just didn't mention it, it doesn't sound like you've really reached out fully yet. This website is a great place for support and is highly regarded, but many of us need more than the internet. Also myself and many others have found that "willpower" really doesn't cut it when we have substance use issues. Reaching out for professional help - a counselor or therapist who specializes in addiction - could be just what you need. She or he can outline a program for you - can help you work out a plan to get better. I know it seems hopeless at times - like you're all alone against this tide of anxiety and stress - but we've all felt that - that's very normal if not very much fun.
There's an African saying I like to quote a lot: "When you pray, move your feet." So you've tried willpower, changing your numbers etc. and that doesn't seem to be working. Try a new course and see how that works out - reach out - find some support in person- and post here regularly as a way to vent and process what you learn and feel. There's a life free of substance use ahead - you're making the right moves...right now. Just consider if it might not be better to get some assistance on this one.
I woke this morning knowing in my heart that the drink has to go, and you know what- that's fine. You're right- I do want to change, and have done for a long time, and drinking has obviously got in the way of being able to make a permanent change. I look around at all the good in my life- my 2 beautiful young daughters, a happy marriage, and I know I want my life to move forward and I want to be the person I know I can be. Not some coke head.
I did have counselling last year, but we focussed on other stuff- losing my parents recently etc. I'm not ruling out getting outside support, but I am scared. I have looked into cocaine anonymous groups nearby, so that is a start.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Originally Posted by FallenAlien
I've heard that alcohol is the number one reason cocaine addicts relapse. I firmly believe the NA/AA saying a drug is a drug is a drug (alcohol is a liquid drug). It's all the same stuff. It took me about 5-6 relapses to learn that....
I have woken this morning full of resolve to ditch the booze
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
I have to agree with quitting booze as it is just another way to numb oneself and keeps you from really committing to being clean. You can feel that you are still escaping and as long as that behavior of chasing some kind of relief persists then it is easy to reach for what you really want.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
Good to hear your optimism Chasing! It sounds like you're moving in the right direction 
Whether it's a powder or liquid, injected, inhaled or drunk down, drugs keep us from living "life on life's terms." Dealing with challenges and setbacks, as well as celebrating the good times is so much nicer when we experience it the way it was meant to be experienced. All the best and I'm sorry you've recently lost your parents - that's very hard. Please let me know if you have any questions that I might be able to help with as you move forward.
Whether it's a powder or liquid, injected, inhaled or drunk down, drugs keep us from living "life on life's terms." Dealing with challenges and setbacks, as well as celebrating the good times is so much nicer when we experience it the way it was meant to be experienced. All the best and I'm sorry you've recently lost your parents - that's very hard. Please let me know if you have any questions that I might be able to help with as you move forward.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I didn't quit drinking
Originally Posted by Chasingthedream
I didn't quit drinking- I have never had a problem with booze and I didn't think it was so much of a trigger as I made choices to pick up even when I wasn't drinking.
I had to let go of some old ideas
before I could stay clean and sober
MM
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
something that one may change next time around ??
I had to let go of some old ideas
before I could stay clean and sober
MM
I had to let go of some old ideas
before I could stay clean and sober
MM
The last couple of times I did it, I think I felt so ashamed of myself, I literally lost the power of speech. Thats embarrassing in front of people.
I'm done with it, and it feels really good that I know I'm not going to drink and have my defences lowered.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Day 4 for me, feeling totally resolute. Although it's usually around the 2 week mark that it starts to get hard.
I had an experience last night which just strengthened my resolve. I went out with an old boyfriend. He occasionally does coke but we haven't done it together in a long time. Anyway- he was there the last time I used (when I relapsed) and he asked me if I had been ok. I had previously talked to him about the fact that I was quitting, and he'd said that he had noticed that I was on coke that night and that I was acting a bit weird. I knew I was being a bit weird at the time- i just got all paranoid, basically because i hated myself for being on coke after all the promises I had made myself.
I just hate that- knowing that I wasn't being myself- it makes me feel so paranoid and is exactly one of the reasons that I want to quit- the fact that I behave differently and people notice. It's not who I want to be.
So- I am still committed to not drinking for the foreseeable future, and I can see how much easier that will make it for me in the coming weeks.
Have people coming for dinner this weekend (non using friends), so it'll be 'pretend' wine in my glass- elderflower or something.
Thanks again for all your words of advice/encouragement, you all know how much it means.
I hope you're all having a good day.
I had an experience last night which just strengthened my resolve. I went out with an old boyfriend. He occasionally does coke but we haven't done it together in a long time. Anyway- he was there the last time I used (when I relapsed) and he asked me if I had been ok. I had previously talked to him about the fact that I was quitting, and he'd said that he had noticed that I was on coke that night and that I was acting a bit weird. I knew I was being a bit weird at the time- i just got all paranoid, basically because i hated myself for being on coke after all the promises I had made myself.
I just hate that- knowing that I wasn't being myself- it makes me feel so paranoid and is exactly one of the reasons that I want to quit- the fact that I behave differently and people notice. It's not who I want to be.
So- I am still committed to not drinking for the foreseeable future, and I can see how much easier that will make it for me in the coming weeks.
Have people coming for dinner this weekend (non using friends), so it'll be 'pretend' wine in my glass- elderflower or something.
Thanks again for all your words of advice/encouragement, you all know how much it means.
I hope you're all having a good day.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Glad to see you are feeling strong! I have to ask - what is elderflower? I have never heard of that!
To be honest, I do not know much about coke -- but it seems to go hand in hand with alcohol from many of the posts and books I've read. I think it's a good idea to give up the drinking as well. Again, I'm not sure the connection but seem to see it a lot.
It is odd, as we think we were acting normal and no one knew we were messed up when it's just the opposite. Glad to see you got "you" back
To be honest, I do not know much about coke -- but it seems to go hand in hand with alcohol from many of the posts and books I've read. I think it's a good idea to give up the drinking as well. Again, I'm not sure the connection but seem to see it a lot.
It is odd, as we think we were acting normal and no one knew we were messed up when it's just the opposite. Glad to see you got "you" back
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
I couldn't do it alone. I tried for way too long. I also tried to just do the drinking thing...it all leads back to drugs. I joined AA/NA, best thing I could've EVER EVER EVER done for my family and me. HONESTLY. I have learned so much in the past 6 months about myself. I have learned that the world isn't about me, I have reconnected with a higher power which for me is the universe. I am working with a sponsor which is awesome, I can call her daily to talk about anything. Which before I always kept everything inside and inside was just a mess.
Can you get to a meeting? Commit to meetings? Reach out? Get some type of support?
Hang in there.
Can you get to a meeting? Commit to meetings? Reach out? Get some type of support?
Hang in there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 377
Having a bad day today.
Not in terms of cravings. I'm not having any of those. Even if I was, there is absolutely no part of me that wants to go back to that old life.
I just feel so- empty. I know it is PAWS. I know my mind needs to re-set itself. I know it will take time and I know I just need to curl up with a book or go for a walk. It's just such a depressing feeling.
Just wanted to share.
Not in terms of cravings. I'm not having any of those. Even if I was, there is absolutely no part of me that wants to go back to that old life.
I just feel so- empty. I know it is PAWS. I know my mind needs to re-set itself. I know it will take time and I know I just need to curl up with a book or go for a walk. It's just such a depressing feeling.
Just wanted to share.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 2,258
At least you are able to realise that its the drug making you feel this way, its not reality. I think of opiates as the devil, since they mess with our brain chemistry what we used to think was good, or made us happy, or just dealing with normal life was ok, it all gets misconstrued. It gets better, eventually we are able to feel again, feel happy. Hang in there. You identifying that its the drug and not you is good. It will get better if you don't pick up again.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Chasing - keep it up. One week is great. I have limited experience with coke, but I can't think of a single time that I had done it when I didn't have a drink first or shortly thereafter. They went hand in hand for me.
As far as the empty feeling goes, I can relate to that. Is there any way you could get someone to going walking with, etc.? Social interactions were helpful for me. If nothing else I had to pay attention to the conversation rather than being zoned out and stuck in my own head. Also, if you made an arrangement with a friend to meet at a certain time it would be harder to blow it off.
As far as the empty feeling goes, I can relate to that. Is there any way you could get someone to going walking with, etc.? Social interactions were helpful for me. If nothing else I had to pay attention to the conversation rather than being zoned out and stuck in my own head. Also, if you made an arrangement with a friend to meet at a certain time it would be harder to blow it off.
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