Where to start
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Marseille, France
Posts: 3
Where to start
Firstly I am new to this, not much of a sharer but I feel like I need to connect with people who have lived through similar situations.
I have been with my partner 8 years and we have lived together for the last 5. At first I just thought he was a heavy drinker but as time went on it became clear that it was more than that. We go through periods of time when he does not drink at all and those are fantastic, the longest of those was 6 months but that was due to having Pancreatitis and the pain being unbearable. The pancreatitis got better and the drinking restarted. During the binges our life together is becoming unbearable. On average it can be 1-3 months between binges and the binges are becoming longer each time. When I say binges he will drink from the morning all through the day and night and when he is not drinking he will be sleeping. It can be anything from 2 bottles of whiskey a day, 4 or 5 bottles of wine or 3 12 packs of beer. We are currently into the 6th week of a binge and I gave him the ultimatum that he had to get help or I was leaving. He has seen his doctor who prescribed Baclofen along with antidepressants and a sleeping aid. He is still drinking all be it far far less. On one hand I want to give him a chance to see if the medication works, it is a huge step that he has at least sought help. On the other I still think I should leave and am struggling to see what I should do.
I have been with my partner 8 years and we have lived together for the last 5. At first I just thought he was a heavy drinker but as time went on it became clear that it was more than that. We go through periods of time when he does not drink at all and those are fantastic, the longest of those was 6 months but that was due to having Pancreatitis and the pain being unbearable. The pancreatitis got better and the drinking restarted. During the binges our life together is becoming unbearable. On average it can be 1-3 months between binges and the binges are becoming longer each time. When I say binges he will drink from the morning all through the day and night and when he is not drinking he will be sleeping. It can be anything from 2 bottles of whiskey a day, 4 or 5 bottles of wine or 3 12 packs of beer. We are currently into the 6th week of a binge and I gave him the ultimatum that he had to get help or I was leaving. He has seen his doctor who prescribed Baclofen along with antidepressants and a sleeping aid. He is still drinking all be it far far less. On one hand I want to give him a chance to see if the medication works, it is a huge step that he has at least sought help. On the other I still think I should leave and am struggling to see what I should do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Welcome gbanon;
Alcoholism is progressive, so this very likely is as "good" as it will get and as you are
seeing for yourself, it gets worse pretty quickly as the disease progresses.
Please read the stickys at the top of the page here in Friends and Family of As to learn
more about what you are facing.
Only you can decide what is best for you, but if you feel you can't live with it right now, perhaps you could move, or have him move, until you see if he is serious about recovery and stopping.
By the way, medicine alone will not do it in my opinion--not drinking and recovery are
not the same. As a former Alcoholic myself, I really know that is true.
My only strong "advice" here is to listen to your gut and act on it.
If you think you should leave, you most likely should.
Sometimes that's the thing that let's the addict know he'd better shape up,
but leaving is what you need to do for you.
Please read about codependency as living with this all these years has
affected you also in ways you may not realize.
Keep posting and I hope things work out for the best for both of you.
Alcoholism is progressive, so this very likely is as "good" as it will get and as you are
seeing for yourself, it gets worse pretty quickly as the disease progresses.
Please read the stickys at the top of the page here in Friends and Family of As to learn
more about what you are facing.
Only you can decide what is best for you, but if you feel you can't live with it right now, perhaps you could move, or have him move, until you see if he is serious about recovery and stopping.
By the way, medicine alone will not do it in my opinion--not drinking and recovery are
not the same. As a former Alcoholic myself, I really know that is true.
My only strong "advice" here is to listen to your gut and act on it.
If you think you should leave, you most likely should.
Sometimes that's the thing that let's the addict know he'd better shape up,
but leaving is what you need to do for you.
Please read about codependency as living with this all these years has
affected you also in ways you may not realize.
Keep posting and I hope things work out for the best for both of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Marseille, France
Posts: 3
Hi Hawkeye,
I agree that medication alone is not the solution and I am in away concerned that ultimately it will just switch one addiction to another. Unfortunately we live in a country where prescription drugs are handed out like candy, particularly antidepressants. He has a follow up meeting with his Doctor next week and I kind of feel that I should at least wait until that happens. He has tried AA, psychologists, psychiatrists and an addictologist. The difficulty there is that he will go once and then find a reason to not go back to the next meeting, AA was the longest and he went to 4 meetings before deciding it was depressing. I honestly think he is not yet at the place where he realizes he has to stop and until he reaches that point we will just continue in this cycle of "Sober" time followed by more "drunk" time.
I agree that medication alone is not the solution and I am in away concerned that ultimately it will just switch one addiction to another. Unfortunately we live in a country where prescription drugs are handed out like candy, particularly antidepressants. He has a follow up meeting with his Doctor next week and I kind of feel that I should at least wait until that happens. He has tried AA, psychologists, psychiatrists and an addictologist. The difficulty there is that he will go once and then find a reason to not go back to the next meeting, AA was the longest and he went to 4 meetings before deciding it was depressing. I honestly think he is not yet at the place where he realizes he has to stop and until he reaches that point we will just continue in this cycle of "Sober" time followed by more "drunk" time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
He is the one drinking, yet you say "we will continue in this cycle." You have the option of not participating in this dance with him. You can take several steps back, detach and live your own life whether he is choosing to drink or not.
Do you have Alanon meetings in your area? That has been a great resource for me to learn not to let the crazy cycle suck me in.
Do you have Alanon meetings in your area? That has been a great resource for me to learn not to let the crazy cycle suck me in.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Marseille, France
Posts: 3
Honestly I know I should probably leave, there is really nothing "I" can do to help him or make him stop that decision needs to come from him, but it seems very hard to do so. Perhaps if I did it would shock him into making that decision - or not in which case it doesn't really matter what I do except for my own sanity.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Originally Posted by gbanon 
Honestly I know I should probably leave, there is really nothing "I" can do to help him or make him stop that decision needs to come from him, but it seems very hard to do so. Perhaps if I did it would shock him into making that decision - or not in which case it doesn't really matter what I do except for my own sanity.
In the end, the alcoholic may choose drink over everything, including loved ones
as hard as that is to accept.
So you're right, choose what you need for your own sanity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
[/U]
In the end, the alcoholic may choose drink over everything, including loved ones
as hard as that is to accept.
So you're right, choose what you need for your own sanity.
In the end, the alcoholic may choose drink over everything, including loved ones
as hard as that is to accept.
So you're right, choose what you need for your own sanity.
I have FINALLY accepted this myself
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, gbanon. Glad you found us here at SR. There's a lot of wisdom, strength and hope being shared here, and I hope you find the help you're looking for.
I'd encourage you to read as much as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. It can be so helpful to see how others are coping w/their situations, and that there really is a better day coming. You also might want to check out Alanon; many here have found it a very useful resource.
You're absolutely right that you can't affect his desire for recovery and all you can do is take care of yourself while deciding what path you want to take. Wishing you strength and clarity to carry you forward.
I'd encourage you to read as much as you can here, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. It can be so helpful to see how others are coping w/their situations, and that there really is a better day coming. You also might want to check out Alanon; many here have found it a very useful resource.
You're absolutely right that you can't affect his desire for recovery and all you can do is take care of yourself while deciding what path you want to take. Wishing you strength and clarity to carry you forward.
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