Warning! Vent Coming!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Warning! Vent Coming!!
Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since I posted on here. I thought for sure that I would be gone by now, but nope...I'm not. I got lazy, looked for excuses to stay, i.e., it's easier..I'll just ignore him, I gotta get the kids through school first, the home loan is in my name...I don't want to risk messing up my finances, some of you know that drill.
But, I truly don't know how long I can handle all of the responsibility that comes with living with an alcoholic. It's becoming physical now. My anxiety is up, I feel stress constantly. I take care of EVERYTHING...I am a program manager and I manage 40 staffing companies for work, then I go home and I manage the kids, I manage the dogs, I handle everything to do with the house when it comes to insurance, refinancing, repairs, etc. I bust my butt all day long and go home to find him laying on the couch (that's where he sleeps) in the living room...so that means I have to make the kids be quiet so that he doesn't wake up, I can't even vacuum. Remember that managing the dogs part? I have 2 150 lb newfoundlands...if anyone knows what they are, you know I have to vacuum twice a day or I'll have a fur carpet. Actually, if I didn't have those guys, I would go insane. They can't help being dependent on me and at least they appreciate me.
He owns his own business where he travels and repairs equipment and makes a great living. He can go weeks at a time not working. So, he just pays people to do everything while he gets trashed. Or he makes plans for repairs to happen and obligates me to pay half.
So, where did I change? I would never have put up with this crap when I was younger. Do you think we accept things more because of age? When did I tell myself that it's okay to be with someone that just sucks the life out of me and would never be there for me, if I ever needed them. When does my evil side win out over my nice side??
Thanks for listening....I'm at work or I'd be screaming into my pillow right now.
It's been a while since I posted on here. I thought for sure that I would be gone by now, but nope...I'm not. I got lazy, looked for excuses to stay, i.e., it's easier..I'll just ignore him, I gotta get the kids through school first, the home loan is in my name...I don't want to risk messing up my finances, some of you know that drill.
But, I truly don't know how long I can handle all of the responsibility that comes with living with an alcoholic. It's becoming physical now. My anxiety is up, I feel stress constantly. I take care of EVERYTHING...I am a program manager and I manage 40 staffing companies for work, then I go home and I manage the kids, I manage the dogs, I handle everything to do with the house when it comes to insurance, refinancing, repairs, etc. I bust my butt all day long and go home to find him laying on the couch (that's where he sleeps) in the living room...so that means I have to make the kids be quiet so that he doesn't wake up, I can't even vacuum. Remember that managing the dogs part? I have 2 150 lb newfoundlands...if anyone knows what they are, you know I have to vacuum twice a day or I'll have a fur carpet. Actually, if I didn't have those guys, I would go insane. They can't help being dependent on me and at least they appreciate me.
He owns his own business where he travels and repairs equipment and makes a great living. He can go weeks at a time not working. So, he just pays people to do everything while he gets trashed. Or he makes plans for repairs to happen and obligates me to pay half.
So, where did I change? I would never have put up with this crap when I was younger. Do you think we accept things more because of age? When did I tell myself that it's okay to be with someone that just sucks the life out of me and would never be there for me, if I ever needed them. When does my evil side win out over my nice side??
Thanks for listening....I'm at work or I'd be screaming into my pillow right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Oh for the love of Pete, VACUUM!
At some point, we choose to continue to participate and can no longer entirely blame the A for our unhappiness. You have other options. Why is it showing your "evil side" to make your happiness a priority?
At some point, we choose to continue to participate and can no longer entirely blame the A for our unhappiness. You have other options. Why is it showing your "evil side" to make your happiness a priority?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Becki, vent and scream here as much as you need to. I'm listening.
Have you ever had a free consult with a lawyer, it might not be as bad as you are making it out to be. Financially you might be better off.
I'm out, and financially I'm not better off, but my bills are paid, and I can save each month, and I have serenity in my life now.
I remember the days that I was afraid to wash the kitchen floor, that would set him off in a rage, because I loved the kitchen floor more then him. (lol)
I think what helped me the most is reading stories and knowing that I wasn't the only one. I think sometimes that this abuse just makes us want to isolate. I did. I became embarrassed about how I was treated and I isolated myself. My healing and taking my life started when I stopped isolating.
Thank you for posting today, it helped me a lot.
((((((((hugs)))))))
Have you ever had a free consult with a lawyer, it might not be as bad as you are making it out to be. Financially you might be better off.
I'm out, and financially I'm not better off, but my bills are paid, and I can save each month, and I have serenity in my life now.
I remember the days that I was afraid to wash the kitchen floor, that would set him off in a rage, because I loved the kitchen floor more then him. (lol)
I think what helped me the most is reading stories and knowing that I wasn't the only one. I think sometimes that this abuse just makes us want to isolate. I did. I became embarrassed about how I was treated and I isolated myself. My healing and taking my life started when I stopped isolating.
Thank you for posting today, it helped me a lot.
((((((((hugs)))))))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
You are me in a few years. We've only been together for 4 years, have an almost 3 year old together and MY GOODNESS I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!
How you've done it for so long is beyond my understanding. You are much stronger than you know. If you wanted to, you could boot his butt to the curb and I bet you'd do fine.
I'm planning my escape now. What do you see in your future? what do you want to see? I've used excuses the past 4 years not to leave, and I'll be going against every single co-dependent cell in my body by making my next move. I'm terrified! but, what in it for us now?
How you've done it for so long is beyond my understanding. You are much stronger than you know. If you wanted to, you could boot his butt to the curb and I bet you'd do fine.
I'm planning my escape now. What do you see in your future? what do you want to see? I've used excuses the past 4 years not to leave, and I'll be going against every single co-dependent cell in my body by making my next move. I'm terrified! but, what in it for us now?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
"It's been a while since I posted on here. I thought for sure that I would be gone by now, but nope...I'm not. I got lazy, looked for excuses to stay, i.e., it's easier..I'll just ignore him, I gotta get the kids through school first, the home loan is in my name...I don't want to risk messing up my finances, some of you know that drill."
this and a lot more of your post reminded me of me. I'm 7 years in, filed last week and I'm scared to death.
I remember about a year ago, I finally went to the Gyno because I was having severe and I mean SEVERE pms 3 weeks out of the month. I swore I was dying or something. I got checked double checked, they did an ultrasound and nothing. I was relieved but still concerned. You know what I think it was? I think it was severe anxiety.
My soon to be ex spends so much time sleeping on the couch ("sober" for 9 months) and I can't stand it. I can't go on with my life as if he just doesn't exist because I know he does exist and he's freaking sleeping while I'm handling EVERYTHING.
I understand where you are at. I was just there a few weeks ago. The only reason I am moving full steam ahead is for my kids (5 and 2) if I don't get out now, they don't stand a chance. I felt the same way you did - money - I'll just deal with it - the market is bad - I'll just have an affair(s) one day - I'll wait until the kids are older - I'll stick it out another 10 years.
Something happened and like a light switch I said enough is enough and I have been like a bull in a china shop since June 11th - because if I don't go fast, I'm afraid I will co-dependent myself out of the decision or something bad will happen or he will convince me yet again to "give him one more chance" (which I won't)
VACCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this and a lot more of your post reminded me of me. I'm 7 years in, filed last week and I'm scared to death.
I remember about a year ago, I finally went to the Gyno because I was having severe and I mean SEVERE pms 3 weeks out of the month. I swore I was dying or something. I got checked double checked, they did an ultrasound and nothing. I was relieved but still concerned. You know what I think it was? I think it was severe anxiety.
My soon to be ex spends so much time sleeping on the couch ("sober" for 9 months) and I can't stand it. I can't go on with my life as if he just doesn't exist because I know he does exist and he's freaking sleeping while I'm handling EVERYTHING.
I understand where you are at. I was just there a few weeks ago. The only reason I am moving full steam ahead is for my kids (5 and 2) if I don't get out now, they don't stand a chance. I felt the same way you did - money - I'll just deal with it - the market is bad - I'll just have an affair(s) one day - I'll wait until the kids are older - I'll stick it out another 10 years.
Something happened and like a light switch I said enough is enough and I have been like a bull in a china shop since June 11th - because if I don't go fast, I'm afraid I will co-dependent myself out of the decision or something bad will happen or he will convince me yet again to "give him one more chance" (which I won't)
VACCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
"I have to make the kids be quiet so he doesn't wake up."
Ugh flashing back to my drunken father passed put on the couch, my brother and I tiptoeing around trying not to wake him because he would be in a screaming rage if we did. This is a terrible lesson to teach your children. At least have the courage to wake him up with the vacuum so you don't have to stifle the kids on his behalf.
You have made a conscious choice to stay in this situation. You are choosing to be "responsible for everything." That takes a tremendous amount of energy. Channeling that energy into something productive will yield amazing results. Wasting it on appeasing an alcoholic will lead to more frustration and exhaustion.
Ugh flashing back to my drunken father passed put on the couch, my brother and I tiptoeing around trying not to wake him because he would be in a screaming rage if we did. This is a terrible lesson to teach your children. At least have the courage to wake him up with the vacuum so you don't have to stifle the kids on his behalf.
You have made a conscious choice to stay in this situation. You are choosing to be "responsible for everything." That takes a tremendous amount of energy. Channeling that energy into something productive will yield amazing results. Wasting it on appeasing an alcoholic will lead to more frustration and exhaustion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Oh for the love of Pete, VACUUM!
At some point, we choose to continue to participate and can no longer entirely blame the A for our unhappiness. You have other options. Why is it showing your "evil side" to make your happiness a priority?
At some point, we choose to continue to participate and can no longer entirely blame the A for our unhappiness. You have other options. Why is it showing your "evil side" to make your happiness a priority?
I would be walking away from an entire home life, not just a man. Even though the part that involves him sucks, there are parts that I love.
It helps me to vent to others that are going through the same thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by meggem
"It's been a while since I posted on here. I thought for sure that I would be gone by now, but nope...I'm not. I got lazy, looked for excuses to stay, i.e., it's easier..I'll just ignore him, I gotta get the kids through school first, the home loan is in my name...I don't want to risk messing up my finances, some of you know that drill."
this and a lot more of your post reminded me of me. I'm 7 years in, filed last week and I'm scared to death.
I remember about a year ago, I finally went to the Gyno because I was having severe and I mean SEVERE pms 3 weeks out of the month. I swore I was dying or something. I got checked double checked, they did an ultrasound and nothing. I was relieved but still concerned. You know what I think it was? I think it was severe anxiety.
My soon to be ex spends so much time sleeping on the couch ("sober" for 9 months) and I can't stand it. I can't go on with my life as if he just doesn't exist because I know he does exist and he's freaking sleeping while I'm handling EVERYTHING.
I understand where you are at. I was just there a few weeks ago. The only reason I am moving full steam ahead is for my kids (5 and 2) if I don't get out now, they don't stand a chance. I felt the same way you did - money - I'll just deal with it - the market is bad - I'll just have an affair(s) one day - I'll wait until the kids are older - I'll stick it out another 10 years.
Something happened and like a light switch I said enough is enough and I have been like a bull in a china shop since June 11th - because if I don't go fast, I'm afraid I will co-dependent myself out of the decision or something bad will happen or he will convince me yet again to "give him one more chance" (which I won't)
VACCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this and a lot more of your post reminded me of me. I'm 7 years in, filed last week and I'm scared to death.
I remember about a year ago, I finally went to the Gyno because I was having severe and I mean SEVERE pms 3 weeks out of the month. I swore I was dying or something. I got checked double checked, they did an ultrasound and nothing. I was relieved but still concerned. You know what I think it was? I think it was severe anxiety.
My soon to be ex spends so much time sleeping on the couch ("sober" for 9 months) and I can't stand it. I can't go on with my life as if he just doesn't exist because I know he does exist and he's freaking sleeping while I'm handling EVERYTHING.
I understand where you are at. I was just there a few weeks ago. The only reason I am moving full steam ahead is for my kids (5 and 2) if I don't get out now, they don't stand a chance. I felt the same way you did - money - I'll just deal with it - the market is bad - I'll just have an affair(s) one day - I'll wait until the kids are older - I'll stick it out another 10 years.
Something happened and like a light switch I said enough is enough and I have been like a bull in a china shop since June 11th - because if I don't go fast, I'm afraid I will co-dependent myself out of the decision or something bad will happen or he will convince me yet again to "give him one more chance" (which I won't)
VACCUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
You know what??? I own two vacuums and a carpet cleaner...I'm going to go home and use all three at the same time if I can figure out how to handle them all!!! LOL...he can kiss my (fill in the blank).
Thanks for listening...I felt the tension leaving my shoulders more and more while reading the replies.
Thanks for listening...I felt the tension leaving my shoulders more and more while reading the replies.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
What is it with the sleeping all the time thing?! That drove me NUTS. The rest of the world has to partipicate in daily living, yet you get to sleep for 24 hours straight? And the family has to tip toe around to avoid waking the bear?
Oh my stink. I'm so glad I'm out now.
Oh my stink. I'm so glad I'm out now.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
I stuck with it for 18 years and am bitterly regretting it now. I'm 53, no hope of a decent relationship with anyone else cos I'm to messed up by his antics an emotional abuse and feeling so lonely and all the stuff that goes with it. I did everything too. He's still here ( also on the sofa) until we sell our house but I wish I got out years ago now. I made every excuse going to stay. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I put up with it for so long and let our kids see it too. I wouldn't stay if I had the time again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by Tansy
I stuck with it for 18 years and am bitterly regretting it now. I'm 53, no hope of a decent relationship with anyone else cos I'm to messed up by his antics an emotional abuse and feeling so lonely and all the stuff that goes with it. I did everything too. He's still here ( also on the sofa) until we sell our house but I wish I got out years ago now. I made every excuse going to stay. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I put up with it for so long and let our kids see it too. I wouldn't stay if I had the time again.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Becki---Yes, Becki...I hear you. The catapillar felt the same way....she missed the cocoon because that was all she had ever known. But, the cocoon was getting too tight...and she instinctively knew that if she didn't break out soon that she would die as a catapillar.
at this point....her cocoon no longer felt like the safe sanctuary that it had previously been.
This left her with only two options....die or go free......
She looked upward toward the sky and saw all the other butterflies dancing on the wind.
She knew, then, what she must do.
dandylion
at this point....her cocoon no longer felt like the safe sanctuary that it had previously been.
This left her with only two options....die or go free......
She looked upward toward the sky and saw all the other butterflies dancing on the wind.
She knew, then, what she must do.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: over there
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Becki67
You might surprise yourself once you get away from it. 53 is still young and there's always hope for love and happiness. Hugs to you!
I'm reading about codependency now cos I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I tend to attract needy people.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Birmingham AL
Posts: 37
Try calling your HR department at your job and ask them about EAP (employee assistance program). I did and they offer a one time (per situation) 30 minute consultation with a local attorney for free. You can do the consultation over the phone or in person. At least that is what my EAP offers. They also offered me three sessions with a therapist for free (per situation). I was really impressed that this is out there and it is free. It is also 100% anonymous.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Really what IS IT with the couch?! I swear he sleeps more than my kids. I completely understand where you are at Becki. I wish for you the courage to make that step. Make it before it's made for you. My soon to be ex called the cops on my family vacation the second week of june because we were all drinking and he said the kids welfare was in jeopardy - total BS - there was about 10 of us there - half of them had 1-3 drinks - some others had 3-6 - it was vacation. I'm not an addict. The kids were NOT in danger. All he did was HORRIFY my 5 year old, scare and embarrass my family and myself. A family that treated him like gold. He exposed his real colors to everyone. And I was left mortified, horrified and forced to explain what my life has been like. He crossed a line that I NEVER thought he would and I still don't know if he's done. I could barely face anyone for the remainder of the vacation and don't think he didn't start it up again the next morning..he did.
But maybe God did this because he knew it needed to be done and he gave me chance after chance and opportunity after opportunity to make the move myself and I didn't take it. So maybe he created this to push me along. But I look back to the years I hung in there and this is what I got for it??
Best wishes and please let us know if you vaccumed
But maybe God did this because he knew it needed to be done and he gave me chance after chance and opportunity after opportunity to make the move myself and I didn't take it. So maybe he created this to push me along. But I look back to the years I hung in there and this is what I got for it??
Best wishes and please let us know if you vaccumed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 134
Thanks everyone. I felt a LOT better when I got home because of you. I got some stuff done that I hate doing (laundry), I listened to some music, and I loved on my dogs. I spoke to him in a civil tone and didn't once mutter under my breath an expletive. I'm just going on my way and plan to go watch chick flicks tonight while my dogs snore in unison in their crates. I crave night time when I can go to bed and just wind down. People say I'm old 'cause I go to bed early, but that's my peace time. I don't have to handle any issues that anyone has. I can shut my brain off and just focus on make believe.
You guys might have saved his life today! LOL
You guys might have saved his life today! LOL
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Tansy
I stuck with it for 18 years and am bitterly regretting it now. I'm 53, no hope of a decent relationship with anyone else cos I'm to messed up by his antics an emotional abuse and feeling so lonely and all the stuff that goes with it. I did everything too. He's still here ( also on the sofa) until we sell our house but I wish I got out years ago now. I made every excuse going to stay. I feel like there's something wrong with me that I put up with it for so long and let our kids see it too. I wouldn't stay if I had the time again.
I have clients, a couple in their mid-late 80's, who didn't meet until they were in their 70's & they have one of the most beautiful, honest & loving relationships I have ever seen. They still take dancing lessons together, visit their kids & grandkids together, travel overseas & love their cruises. They joke, they laugh & they jab at each other in a lovingly sarcastic way. It is NEVER too late to have a great relationship!
Becki, I'm glad you are feeling better since your original vent!
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