DecBaby

I wanted to make a thread for those who have some time in being sober but still need support. We never actually completely make it. We may be doing good but i know there are days we still struggle. I also think for the sake of newbies some
of us put on a happy face to show them all can be well. But sometimes i know its still tough. For some spouses dont know or understand our problem. For some there are mental illnesses at play. For some there are childhood issues which stop us from being completly healthy. Some have co dependant relationships which are a problem. Or other addicts in their lives. Me i dont have a computer so i type everything on my phone. I think i need to get one though because theres lots of things i need to discuss with you. So spill your guts as i am...

DecBaby

This is a thread to let our gurards down and help each other.

MIRecovery

I go to AA meetings and post regularly. Part of my daily routine to not let my guard down. If I think I have this beat I am in very dangerous territory

DecBaby

To not let your guard down with others or to the disease? No we never have it beat. Its always a temptation.

Dee74

Thanks for starting this DecBaby.

I do think sometimes the attitude is that people with some clean/sober time shouldn't be struggling any more - and if they are, there's something wrong.

I think that's nonsense. Life can be tough sometimes.

We all need support
D

DecBaby

I know we struggle Dee. Things are so much better but not always. We are human and sometimes its hard for us to realize that. Addicts are some of the most beautiful people in the world. Recovering addicts I should say. But we still need support.

There's tons of things from my childhood I still struggle with. Like why my mom hates me but can be so nice to my kids. Also how much it hurts to have my kids raised by other family even though I still am in their lives. It's not a traditional family but at least I get to be in my kids lives. It didn't hurt any less though. I still being up the what if.... and why couldn't I just be..... and the answers are endless to the why couldn't I just be question.

Dee74

I can imagine how hard all that must have been Dec.

Kids have never been in the equation for me - I think I'd be a good dad now, but I wouldn't have been for most of their lives.

I have family of origin issues too but we have it pretty much down now...they do their thing, I do mine...I've forgiven them for the things they did, but I'll never forget.

D

Mamahawk

I don't have very much time under me yet, but I'm looking forward to reading this thread. I one the time will come when I'm over the "honeymoon" phase of my recovery and I will have a lot to deal with. Thanks for starting this thread.

kittycat3

Hey there DecBaby....I'll join you. I am not new to sobriety at all, but have slipped plenty in the last year or even more, most recently on Friday, so today is day 3.
I've been dealing with a major case of the "what ifs" - Friday night I made it home from a bar within walking distance, but my memories are foggy. What if someone saw me? What if I talked to someone and I don't remember? What did I say? What did I do?
I can't change what is done, and I think my brain being on overdrive is not healthy and only going to keep me stuck wanting drink or drugs to numb it.
So I'm trying to read up on SR and keep in mind that I'm not the only one struggling - and here I found your post.
I know I have a good plan to stay sober day to day. And I have plenty to be glad about despite my relapse friday - I didn't drive, I didn't get hurt physically, I didn't bring anybody home and have unprotected sex, I didn't do any drugs....but the what ifs are what get me

And this is not just relative to my recent slip...even when I've had months of sobriety under my belt, it takes a flash of a memory to bring back the shame and regret for things I've done or said - and it can really bring me down so badly I want to use again. I have to figure out how to forgive myself completely.

That was then, this is now. Repeat. That was then, this is now.

cleaninLI

Decbaby awesome thread! Thank you for starting it! I agree totally! We are never completely recovered. living life on life's terms is hard sometimes! I can relate to you about your kids....only because I went through it with my oldest daughter...the one that got married last September. There are so many feelings that come up when you are their mother but not their custodial parent. It hurts decbaby.....it hurts so much....it is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and learn to accept in my life.....it cuts my heart like a knife!
So I understand my dear friend! Big hugs to you...you are an awesome mom I know that....I can tell!

One thing I will tell you is your relationship with your kids will never end....never....they love you no matter you are not their custodial parent. No one can ever take your place, even if it looks like someone did, because you are the one that gave those kids life. They don't just forget that. I was adopted, I met my birth mom in my 20's she will always be my mom, the one who gave birth to me. I love her because of that. My heart is big enough for two moms. The one who raised me and the one who gave birth to me. If I can love all my children equally....then why not my two moms? Love does not have a limit to it.

As long as you continue to be a part of your children's lives, your relationship will keep growing. They will grow up and will still be your babies even then. When you look at the scope of life...time moves too fast. So never think you have been replaced...it's not true. I have a beautiful relationship with my oldest daughter...it's me she calls when she is sad or is struggling with life. It's me she trusts. You can build that with your children no matter what.

I understand it hurts though....I do understand! Sometimes it's the little things, like meeting with their teachers, or getting them ready for school that you miss the most.....getting their baths ready....the normal things that moms do. I really understand.

If you ever want to talk you can pm me ok?

neferkamichael

Yea DecBaby Yea, FANTASTIC idea. June 5th was 2 years no cigarettes, July 10th will be 5 years no booze, and September 11th will be 3 years no cocaine. Not every problem I have is directly related to addiction, like procrastination, I was doing that long before I ever smoked a cigarette. Problems like intrusive angry thoughts have probably gotten worse since I quit using, and the worst problem of all is the " expectation of instant satisfaction" from every little thing I do, a leftover condition from 40 years of addiction. I having be reading about mindfulness, staying aware of my thoughts and actually meditated for the first time in my life, just the other day. A normal life has happiness and sadness and accepting that has been a chore but I'm working on it. Rootin for everyone.

DecBaby

The instant gratification is always a tough one to deal with.

TiredEnough

I still fight some wicked OCD. It was there before drugs and will prolly always be there based on my history. I fight with it everyday. The thing is, I know dope isn't going to solve my problems and will undoubtably make them worse. It took me awhile but I finally woke up to the fact that it causes me more problems than it helps.

I'm stubborn and will not be convinced by anything that drugs are the right way for me. I could take Valium responsibly, but I'm not going to. It's a bandaid. Opiates are a bandaid. Drinking for some people is a bandaid. They all just allow you to duck and dodge the problem until they become one of their own. It's a fool's game and I got sick of losing. I don't want to be drugged. I don't want to be high. I hate the thought of it.

Dec, you are right. Those of us with some time tend to gloss over what folks can expect because we don't want to scare them off.

cleaninLI

Yes Decbaby and TE. I find myself doing that too. I'm so afraid to get on here and tell people I'm struggling. It's not an everyday thing but there are times that are higher stress times. Even boredom can sometimes trigger me. I feel like I need to be excited all the time about recovery. It is exciting....at first. It's like the first year is a honeymoon period. So seeing the world without the fogginess of opiates was like looking at it for the first time. All those firsts...like going on vacation without being high, or watching a movie in a theatre without popping pills first. It was all so new and exciting. After that it starts becoming normal again...so it isn't as exciting or fresh. I guess that's what I'm struggling with now, after 1 year 4 months. The newness has worn off and I'm left with plain ole life. Ha!

Has anyone felt like this?

TiredEnough

Absolutely, Clean! I think we all hit the "now what?" phase.

One thing I have noticed is the more time I get in, the less I understand and relate to people that are still using. That's something I struggle with here quite a bit.

padawanxox

I have been clean since November 2013.
The thought of relapse frightens me enough to cry.

Life is so much better. Why would I ruin that??
I look at pics of ppl I used to hang with enjoying summer and boozing/drugging and my ****** self misses it. FOR WHAT?!

I graduated as a result of getting clean and applying to schools for my bachelors feeling less than... Like my mistakes are inked between my transcripts, poisoning my future.


I don't know how to feel proud of myself.
I feel like... Outside of myself?
Sure everyone else should commend me, knowing all I've been through... But I'm not even proud of myself.
Do I treat myself? With what? A water?

I don't want to lose this grip. I can't.
Thanks for bringing this up. I had to get that out.

finaltime

this is great to read. I deal with all of this stuff as well. What now, what next, what about me, whats my reword, why always helping others out, expectations, no expectations, life is good, life is hard, i just want a normal simple everything is okay life, PMS, diet, lose weight, get ripped, be nice to others, lay on couch, don't lay on couch, do more, don't do more, **** people off, keep quiet, let others fail and watch and laugh ha ha. This is life. This is normal stuff that I have been ignoring for so long and now I am somewhat laughing and my 'is m's' and my craziness that my head creates. I am still a firm believer that this disease is a huge disease of perception. Going to a lunch meeting to talk about this craziness that comes around all the time. For today I will just focus on staying sober and looking forward to my couch tonight. I am tired of wanting more and doing more, I did smile at a stranger today and ignored my x's rants. He is going crazy now that I am about to take daughter home for 5 weeks for vacation. Saying she has hand, foot and mouth disease and might not be able to travel. Said school sent her home when she doesn't go to school on wednesdays. Wow. And to think before I would engage is just funny. You know on the 28th we will be on a flight, all will be good. If we are not, its okay too. Life will go on. That is the good thing, is life will go on we can take it how we want. And I love my pity party days, had one last night. Laid on the couch, didn't go to my meeting and be the donut girl, called the chair person and said I didn't want to go. Didn't make up lies. Even thought I thought of every lie possible.

I am so far from perfect, in fact I am mess with a long dress to be honest. ha ha

love you all

OpioPhobe

My most recent struggles have been dealing with guilt over the past. For a long time I had been able to spin a web of rationalizations / justifications for my past actions. Even with my prior 1 1/2 year clean stint I never viewed my past actions as wrong. Anyone would have responded the way that I did if they had been in my place I told myself. Looking back on it now it seems crystal clear, but I sometimes find myself distrusting any thoughts that I have. If all of those rationalizations seemed so 'real' to me then why would I put faith in my current perspective?

It was definitely a much easier path to blame circumstances / other people on my past using rather than to truly take ownership of my actions. I had every excuse in the book, but I refused to even consider that I was in the wrong. The toughest part for me to swallow was that I had so effectively and completely fooled myself. Taking full responsibility for my actions was crushing, and I would put the mental stress up there with early withdrawal. That in itself is unsettling because I never imagined that real life issues would get me anywhere near that feeling of brokenness.

The only way that I have been able to get through all of the guilt is to attribute it to the 'old' me, and hope that the 'new' me can avoid the same mistakes. I am starting to finally realize that that process is going to take quite a bit of time. There will really be no way for me to ever move beyond the past unless I make the changes necessary for a different future. In time I am hopeful that I can truly believe that the change is real. I wish I could just tell myself that the past is the past and there is nothing that I can do about it. Actions speak louder than words though. I could tell myself to move on a million times, but I wouldn't ever believe it unless it was corroborated by actions.

I have been doing very well with the cravings. There was one point a few weeks ago where I was in an extremely stressful situation (probably 9.5/10 for me) and the thought of using popped into my head. I visualized myself pounding my face on the pavement instead. That is about all the good that my DOC would ever do. I wish I could say that it was a relief, but in the moment it was quite frankly a terrifying revelation. I had my DOC in the back of my mind as the ultimate safety net for so long that it was shocking to think that it really wasn't there any more. The netting rotted away a long time ago. At this point it is just dealing with real life on its terms.

fancyfee

Great thread Decbaby! I'm still a newbie to sobriety with just under 1 yr off opiates and less for benzos and alcohol.

I still struggle with different issues that I had during my using. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even really sober because some of my emotions are exactly the same. I'm not high or drunk, but I falter with food, stress, love, money... you get the picture. I still struggle with self sabotage, just in a different way.

I'm so glad I'm not using though. I can face these issues like an adult and feel the emotions. It's hard but much better than when I was using.

Dee74

I think it took me well over a year to really learn how to be a normal person

I started getting high at 15 - I played the part well enough but I had no real experience of actually being an adult until I got clean and sober at 40.

For anyone wondering if it gets better, it absolutely does...but we have to 'grow into ourselves' a little first I think

D