lizatola

My AH offered up an apology and I won't go into details. It was very nondescript and basically said, "I'm sorry I've been a jerk for the past 2 years." So, when I said, "I accept your apology.", he replied, "For what?" UGH!!!

Anyway, he told me he's working on himself. He's gone to one AA meeting, he sees a new therapist every other week and he's reading all kinds of relationship books. His new book is called, "How to Fix your Marriage without Talking About it". I'm just really proud of myself because I'm staying detached. I'm not defending myself when he says things that are meant to provoke me like during his apology. I've learned to just sit and listen and nod my head and agree.

I've finally come to understand that I can't argue with insanity, I don't want to provoke or JADE anymore(justify, argue, defend, explain), and I am OK with letting him do what he needs to do to find his own path. I know what it looks like now to step out of his hula hoop and it feels refreshing to me to know that he might have been disappointed that I didn't engage, but I know it kept me safe.

What becomes of his own recovery is for him to discover. I can only watch and wait and keep moving on with my life. If our lives intersect in the future due to him coming to reality and finding sobriety, then great. If not, that's ok too. I feel good today despite the insanity in which I live.

Mango blast

It's a nice place to be -- that place of internal sanity and happiness. I'm so happy you're there today!
I've been there more often than not for some time now. When I'm not, I keep turning towards what I can do for me. It's been a lot of time outside, barefoot. Praying. Meditating (still working at this, but I've started! ) and being productive.

Anything in particular that's been working for you?

lizatola

I think I've been going to more meetings and I've really had to get the focus off of HIM. That, in itself, has been difficult to do. He's at his second meeting today and I am working very hard to keep my mouth shut and let him do all the talking from now on. I still don't know if this will be enough to fix 'us', that's in God's hands. There is a HUGE part of me that just wants to move on and start a new life, but I still feel that God has called me to stay here and just keep doing what I'm doing.

Hammer

Was thinking you HAD to be joking, but here it is . . . .

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Patricia Love, Steven Stosny: 9780767923187: Amazon.com: Books

Truth is always the funniest in these circles.

AnvilheadII

liz, do you even LIKE this guy??? I've yet to hear in any single post one true redeeming quality....and I would think that should be the foundation to any relationship. at least for ME, liking my partner is key.....enjoying his company, his personality, humor, the way his mind works, his insights. what you describe sounds so......soul crushing.

one whole AA meeting huh? well then, surely he's cured now? LOL.
the title of that book just cracks me up.....considering that COMMUNICATION between partners is ESSENTIAL to a relationship or marriage. being fully present, vulnerable, honest.

"I'm sorry I've been a jerk for the past 2 years." So, when I said, "I accept your apology.", he replied, "For what?" UGH!!!

^^^this is total mind f'ing gas lighting. meant to mess with your head. to be honest it sounds like this guy has serious mental issues....and you are his victim. I would not dream to argue with your beliefs, but I can't imagine ANY God that would want anyone to stay and endure such mental torture and abuse. it all just sounds so.....creepy. but then again, I do watch way too much ID channel....

dandylion

I remember my grandmother--who had a very strong religious faith---telling me that "God helps those who help themselves". Maybe, like a gazillion times!

dandylion

lizatola

Yeah, I was pretty put off by it. Interesting that you'd classify it as gas lighting. I just knew something was off when he offered an apology and then challenged my acceptance of it while I sat there wondering....what the??? But, you're the one who wanted to apologize?? So, again, I was proud of myself for sitting there and just NOT engaging, not taking the bait, and staying in my own hula hoop!

And, yes, I do see things I like about him when they appear. It used to be around a lot, the personality that was likable, but over time he disappeared into his depression and self pity and alcoholism. I guess I still have hope that the old him is in there somewhere and whenever I see slivers of it, I get hopeful. Not always hopeful for our marriage, but hopeful for him as a human being and as a father so that maybe someday he can find his own peace.

I didn't go into too much detail but he did a bit of blaming and made some excuses for his behavior. He told me that he couldn't compete with 20 years worth of my journals that chronicle his bad behavior. What I wanted to point out(but didn't) was that those journals were not a list of his behavior, they were prayers to God to help me live with how my life looked then, my prayers to God to change him(totally wrong motive here, obviously), my fears of living with his anger and passive aggressive behavior, etc. It was not a list of his wrongs, it was a list of my feelings and prayers asking for help so that I could make it through another day.

He also made no mention of quitting drinking or of going to meetings at that point. He still has booze hidden in his office, I bumped the vacuum into the bottle the other day, hidden in a sports bag on the floor. I found out he went to a meeting because the AA welcome packet was hanging out of his computer bag and he didn't hide it fast enough when he came home.

To get back to the OP: I am still proud of ME and the fact that I am learning how to take care of myself even when I scratch my head and say, "Seriously!??" Or "What the???" or "You've got to be kidding me" or HUH? LOL!

Wisconsin

That is awesome, Liz! So glad you have made such progress. ((HUGS))

hopeful4

Good for you! You sound stronger each time you post!

XXX

Florence

ha!