My alcoholic wife cheated and now threatens suicide
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
My alcoholic wife cheated and now threatens suicide
Hi everyone. As I write this I feel like I'm underwater. I can't eat or sleep well. About a month ago my alcoholic wife said she had a job offer to be an online content writer for a website and that she would have an interview in a state halfway across the country. I didn't believe it because she has never written anything, at least not what she has showed me. I told her that there is something strange here and I didnt want her to go to which she said she wouldn't but that I would be holding her back from her dream. I let her go even though I've never heard of a writer going on an interview without any experience. The website she was applying at supposedly paid for it. She went for 4 days where I would hear from her sporadicly. She promised not to drink while there since when she drinks she blacks out. Needless to say she drank lied about it then admitted to it. Now I'm worried as anything could have happened. After she gets back she starts worrying about any little pimple and wonders if it herpes or aids and goes to doc for a cancer screening. Cut to this Sunday I find that she has been dedicating love songs on YouTube to this guy who owns the website. I confront her with this and with quotes she has posted like "my clothes still smell like your apartment"and "I wish I were in your arms". She says she has a crush since she has liked this website since high school. I say" well u spent four days with a guy u have a crush on who just had a divorce " she says nothing happened but then gets angry and starts to yell at me about a loveless marriage but still won't admit to a physical affair but them starts some heavier drinking and suddenly threatens suicide if I leave. Cut to last night, I see that she is texting so I walk over to her she try's to hide phone but I can see that she is texting her friend about how this guy got her "pregs" but he won't pay for abortion so I loose it crying. I tell her I knew it and she is now wasted on a bottle of vodka says she is running a smear campaign on this guy. I tell her this makes no sense so she threatens suicide saying nobody wants her. Try's to take keys from me and drive drunk to get her sleeping pill prescription. I won't let her so she starts calling me names and telling me she hates me so I try to leave she try's to go with me all the while screaming suicide I end up sneaking out of the basement and driving away. She starts texting me the most awful texts and belittles me threatening suicide and calling cops on me for not giving her the car and bank card so she could get her pills and kill herself. She won't admit to anything and lies about drinking all the time so know that she has no problem lying to me. She is a housewife so she is home most of the time and will sneak out to get wine or liquor and is drunk most days when I get off work. I don't know what to do I love her but I don't know how to get over this. She try's to justify it saying I look at porn which is worse. Now truth is I haven't looked at porn since before we met and I'll admit to not having the biggest sex drive but I never wanted to hurt her so I even avert my eyes at times in r rated movies per her request. I feel broken and lost I don't know what parts are real and what's fake what she means and what's the alcohol please help
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Lost,
If she is pregnant, this poor baby will possibly be born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Can you get her placed in some sort of protective hospitalization, since she is threatening suicide? I believe they can keep her for 72 hours.
This situation would make anyone feel broken... you are not alone. Please keep posting here. you will get a lot of support and the experience of others can help you.
If she is pregnant, this poor baby will possibly be born with fetal alcohol syndrome. Can you get her placed in some sort of protective hospitalization, since she is threatening suicide? I believe they can keep her for 72 hours.
This situation would make anyone feel broken... you are not alone. Please keep posting here. you will get a lot of support and the experience of others can help you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
Help
She claims she's not pregnant and she is saying this to run a smear campaign on this guy. I told her that she is humiliating me and that it makes no sense for this to be part of a smear campaign as it makes her look bad for cheating and makes no sense since we are adults and she is running a smear campaign ? I've never used that term in my life. U don't know what's real
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
Your wife sounds like a very sick woman. Is she in therapy? Are you in therapy? Does she attend AA? Have you attended al anon? How long have you been married? Are you paying for her booze? Do you have kids?
None of her actions have anything to do with you. They are all about her. You did not cause this. You cannot control it/her. You cannot cure her. The only person in this situation that you can help is yourself.
Hugs
Your wife sounds like a very sick woman. Is she in therapy? Are you in therapy? Does she attend AA? Have you attended al anon? How long have you been married? Are you paying for her booze? Do you have kids?
None of her actions have anything to do with you. They are all about her. You did not cause this. You cannot control it/her. You cannot cure her. The only person in this situation that you can help is yourself.
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Lost I am so sorry you are in such pain. I am very glad you reached out and found this place, though.
It sounds like your wife is deep into alcoholism and denial. Please get yourself to the soonest Al-Anon meeting you can find. You are not alone. There are ways of coming out of the place you are in but it is going to require a lot of effort on your part, for you.
You did not Cause your wife's alcoholism, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. If she is ever to recover it will have to be because she wants to more than she wants to keep drinking and engaging in all of this risky behavior outside your marriage, and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can, however, do a great deal to change YOU. This place is a good start -- read all of the Sticky threads at the top of the forum so you know what you are dealing with, and read all of the threads you can from the members here. Here and at Al-Anon you will find the tools and support you need to move forward and make a better life for yourself no matter what your wife chooses to do.
Sending you strength and courage.
It sounds like your wife is deep into alcoholism and denial. Please get yourself to the soonest Al-Anon meeting you can find. You are not alone. There are ways of coming out of the place you are in but it is going to require a lot of effort on your part, for you.
You did not Cause your wife's alcoholism, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. If she is ever to recover it will have to be because she wants to more than she wants to keep drinking and engaging in all of this risky behavior outside your marriage, and there is nothing you can do to change that. You can, however, do a great deal to change YOU. This place is a good start -- read all of the Sticky threads at the top of the forum so you know what you are dealing with, and read all of the threads you can from the members here. Here and at Al-Anon you will find the tools and support you need to move forward and make a better life for yourself no matter what your wife chooses to do.
Sending you strength and courage.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
Holy cow dude. I am so sorry. =( You must feel entirely out of control of your own life right now...with no answers or solutions in sight.
You never mentioned that you have children together, so I so hope that's the case. With children, it makes it much more complicated.
If you don't have children together, just get out. I know it's not that simple. I know things are more complicated than that. That's what needs to happen though. Staying with her will bring you nothing but heartache, stress, and pain.
Try to understand that her actions really have nothing to do with you or her marriage, she is running on pure selfishness and alcohol addiction right now. It's not personal, as hard as that might be to believe. Her guy on the side simply validates (validated) her own selfish need to be accepted, without even considering what it would do to her marriage.
I'm assuming that you don't approve of her alcohol abuse, and that you've mentioned that to her more than once.
She (the alcoholic) sees you as the primary obstacle in her life right now. She doesn't see you as a husband, she sees you as an enemy. As long as she is abusing alcohol, she will continue to see you as an enemy, and probably still will even if she manages to get into recovery! (Looking at you Hammer!)
You have a long road ahead. My (blunt) advice would be to gather evidence that an extra-marital affair occurred, and go immediately file for divorce on grounds of adultery. That's probably not what you will end up doing, but I'd bet a paycheck that in a few years you'll wish you did take that advice.
Coming from someone that knows and has been through exactly what you're going through, except also had to protect the children from her.
Welcome to SR by the way!
You never mentioned that you have children together, so I so hope that's the case. With children, it makes it much more complicated.
If you don't have children together, just get out. I know it's not that simple. I know things are more complicated than that. That's what needs to happen though. Staying with her will bring you nothing but heartache, stress, and pain.
Try to understand that her actions really have nothing to do with you or her marriage, she is running on pure selfishness and alcohol addiction right now. It's not personal, as hard as that might be to believe. Her guy on the side simply validates (validated) her own selfish need to be accepted, without even considering what it would do to her marriage.
I'm assuming that you don't approve of her alcohol abuse, and that you've mentioned that to her more than once.
She (the alcoholic) sees you as the primary obstacle in her life right now. She doesn't see you as a husband, she sees you as an enemy. As long as she is abusing alcohol, she will continue to see you as an enemy, and probably still will even if she manages to get into recovery! (Looking at you Hammer!)You have a long road ahead. My (blunt) advice would be to gather evidence that an extra-marital affair occurred, and go immediately file for divorce on grounds of adultery. That's probably not what you will end up doing, but I'd bet a paycheck that in a few years you'll wish you did take that advice.
Coming from someone that knows and has been through exactly what you're going through, except also had to protect the children from her.
Welcome to SR by the way!
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
...as an aside...if she threatens suicide again, especially in a text (proof of it), by all means call 911. Tell them your wife is a) an alcoholic, b) just threatened to kill herself, and c) possibly a danger to herself.
At the least, you could have a peaceful 72 hours while they evaluate her...at the best, you could have saved her life in case she was serious in her threats.
Don't let threatening suicide be used as a tactic to manipulate you...every time she does it, take it seriously and report it. The one time you don't, may be the time that she acts on it.
At the least, you could have a peaceful 72 hours while they evaluate her...at the best, you could have saved her life in case she was serious in her threats.
Don't let threatening suicide be used as a tactic to manipulate you...every time she does it, take it seriously and report it. The one time you don't, may be the time that she acts on it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello, I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
Your wife is a very sick woman. It sounds to me that she needs to be checked into the hospital. You don't have to do this, just call 911, tell them she is an alcoholic and has said she intends to commit suicide.
I am sorry to say this, but it sounds like she ran off thinking this guy would want a life with her and she has found out he does not. Before you can figure out why she is in such a bad frame of mind, she would need serious inpatient help. Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? If not you should try one of them as you need serious face to face support for you.
So so sorry.
XXX
Your wife is a very sick woman. It sounds to me that she needs to be checked into the hospital. You don't have to do this, just call 911, tell them she is an alcoholic and has said she intends to commit suicide.
I am sorry to say this, but it sounds like she ran off thinking this guy would want a life with her and she has found out he does not. Before you can figure out why she is in such a bad frame of mind, she would need serious inpatient help. Do you attend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery? If not you should try one of them as you need serious face to face support for you.
So so sorry.
XXX
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
On top of alcohol issues, I would look up information on the different personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder. You have a big uphill battle here. 
I agree with the others here, if you don't have children, I would look for an exit strategy. You need to save yourself first.
I agree with the others here, if you don't have children, I would look for an exit strategy. You need to save yourself first.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
I know this is hard to believe and it will take a long time to sink in but this is not about you! Although you feel ashamed, embarrassed and betrayed you didn't cause this, You can't control this, and you can't cure it.
Unfortunately you are the bystander. If you do not have kids together I would consider leaving with a look ahead of at least a year. I only say that because you will be going through so many ups and down. The apologies, the heartache, the " i promise this, I promise that". You will be walking on egg shells. Is she lying is she not lying. An alcoholics actions are never normal and you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to understand it.
Please look into getting therapy. You have been verbally abused and need to rebuild you!!
I would recommend not to think about this as your marriage on the rocks I would think of this as your chance to take care of you!
I really hope this makes sense.I have so much in my head I want to express but if you could just start to understand that you need to take care of you, You will be in the right direction.
Unfortunately you are the bystander. If you do not have kids together I would consider leaving with a look ahead of at least a year. I only say that because you will be going through so many ups and down. The apologies, the heartache, the " i promise this, I promise that". You will be walking on egg shells. Is she lying is she not lying. An alcoholics actions are never normal and you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to understand it.
Please look into getting therapy. You have been verbally abused and need to rebuild you!!
I would recommend not to think about this as your marriage on the rocks I would think of this as your chance to take care of you!
I really hope this makes sense.I have so much in my head I want to express but if you could just start to understand that you need to take care of you, You will be in the right direction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
Don't know which way is up
I told her we need therapy before I left for work and she Half heatedly agreed. I know from reading that I am enabling her by not letting her have consequences and this isn't the first time we have had a major problem in fact last year at this time she left me in a motel after we had a house fire. She was gone for 10 days before she begged me to come get her. I did and she agreed to stop drinking she claims to have stated with some gay guy she knows but I will never truly know. Until now I've kind of blocked it out of my memory. I feel so awful I can't concentrate but do manage to lose myself in work with some effort. We don't have kids and have been married 7 years. I don't want abandon her but I feel like second or third choice and I'm the sole provider. To complicate things her dad is very ill. I feel like it's all stacked against us.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 13
Lost, it sounds like she's going through some type of breakdown at this point. She's using these threats of suicide to guilt you into staying with her when she knows she did wrong.
I've been where you are and to learn your partner was unfaithful is one of the worst feelings ever. It makes it really hard to trust anything or anyone from that point forward. She may be agreeing to therapy just to try to get you off her back. If she's not ready to change, then nothing you do or say is going to make her.
However, it might be a good idea to talk to her about checking into a hospital for some psychiatric care. If she really is pregnant, God forbid, she is putting that baby at risk every time she drinks. She needs to get that sorted out asap. If you think she's a threat to herself then you may be able to have her committed for a short time even if she is unwilling. It's for her own safety and yours.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
I've been where you are and to learn your partner was unfaithful is one of the worst feelings ever. It makes it really hard to trust anything or anyone from that point forward. She may be agreeing to therapy just to try to get you off her back. If she's not ready to change, then nothing you do or say is going to make her.
However, it might be a good idea to talk to her about checking into a hospital for some psychiatric care. If she really is pregnant, God forbid, she is putting that baby at risk every time she drinks. She needs to get that sorted out asap. If you think she's a threat to herself then you may be able to have her committed for a short time even if she is unwilling. It's for her own safety and yours.
I wish you all the best. Stay strong.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You don't want to abandon her but she can abandon you AND still come back when she's damn good and ready?
Stop being a door mat that this woman wipes her feet on when she's done sleeping with other men and wants to be a half a$$ed wife to you. If she wants to drink n be a wh*re then divorce her. Heal yourself from her toxicity and move on. There is no us without trust.
Stop being a door mat that this woman wipes her feet on when she's done sleeping with other men and wants to be a half a$$ed wife to you. If she wants to drink n be a wh*re then divorce her. Heal yourself from her toxicity and move on. There is no us without trust.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
I would seperate out the bad behavior when she is not drinking. This is not all related to alcoholism. The things she is doing as a grown woman are ridiculous and you or anyone else does not deserve this type of treatment. I can tell you that if you do stay with this woman, the doubts and baggage will be a weight you will carry for some time.
I wouldn't even factor in the drinking, the other behavior alone is unacceptable.
I wouldn't even factor in the drinking, the other behavior alone is unacceptable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Great falls,my
Posts: 45
She says I've abandoned her for 7 years. She thanks me for a sexless marriage. Which up until her drinking we would have sex once or twice a week even while working 70 hours. I should have tried harder and I wouldn't be here now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
She is looking for excuses and rationale for her bad behavior. You will be blamed for everything and she will most likely create a "smear campaign" against you as well. Don't let her quacking effect you. Once or twice a week is far from a sexless marriage. More justifications for her actions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: FtW, Tx
Posts: 198
Lost - My story sounds very similar to yours with the exception we have two children together. It was always a gay friend nothing was ever her fault. I did everything I could to keep our family together and my kids out of the hands of one of the drunks she would drag up. Al-anon helped me as well as this forum. Please take care of yourself first. That means emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually. My experience is it only gets worse as the disease progresses. People in active addiction have zero ability to see outside of themselves and she likely has no idea of the pain she is causing you. Learn as much as you can about detachment and codependency. I can promise you this is not your fault. You did not cause it, can't cure it and will never be able to control it. Hope you find peace in your life.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Oh my gosh, my heart breaks for you! Please read and re-read all the above posts. There is a LOT of good information for you! But please hear this as loud and clear as possible, it has NOTHING to do with you! If you had tried harder it would have just hurt more..... you can't try hard enough to make "her" stop drinking. ONLY she can decide whether she is going to drink or not. It really, really, really has nothing to do with what we do, say, do not do or do not say. We are not a part of this equation. Such a hard thing to wrap our minds around. Took me a LONG time to digest that fact. It was a tremendous relief when I finally did!
Please know there IS light at the end of this tunnel and there IS help for you too! You can't make her find help, but you most certainly can decide to reach out for help for yourself.
HUGS!
Please know there IS light at the end of this tunnel and there IS help for you too! You can't make her find help, but you most certainly can decide to reach out for help for yourself.
HUGS!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
"I should have tried harder and I wouldn't be here now."
Wrong.
Your wife is a 3 year old in a woman's body. Stop blaming yourself. You have a wild animal on your hands, and you feed it, and it bites you anyway.
Her life is one big temper tantrum. Really. Yes, really. Seriously.
I would order her to rehab, get her family involved (if they are functional--not if they are a hot mess themselves), I would get the police involved if she threatened suicide, and I would cut off the money so she can't buy booze on my dime.
And once those things didn't work I would divorce her.
You have the power and right to end the madness and insist upon sanity and serenity in your life. Unfortunately, more often than not, that means having to let go because they are too stubborn to admit they need to change and grow up. It would be sad at first. Then you'd realize you just saved yourself from more of the same for the rest of your life.
Wrong.
Your wife is a 3 year old in a woman's body. Stop blaming yourself. You have a wild animal on your hands, and you feed it, and it bites you anyway.
Her life is one big temper tantrum. Really. Yes, really. Seriously.
I would order her to rehab, get her family involved (if they are functional--not if they are a hot mess themselves), I would get the police involved if she threatened suicide, and I would cut off the money so she can't buy booze on my dime.
And once those things didn't work I would divorce her.
You have the power and right to end the madness and insist upon sanity and serenity in your life. Unfortunately, more often than not, that means having to let go because they are too stubborn to admit they need to change and grow up. It would be sad at first. Then you'd realize you just saved yourself from more of the same for the rest of your life.
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