Gibbons2

I am so sorry I decided to drink tonight. I am so sorry I sound like all the posts I have read here. Told a friend it is just like "play the tape," they
all sound the same. So do I.

I don't understand addiction. I don't understand why it is so hard to quit something you hate. I don't understand why I feel like I am beating my
head against the wall, scared to death, of what I am doing to myself and how much I can drink, yet doing it anyhow.

I don't understand why I can't be "normal."

I do not know why I can look at life, drunk or sober (I was sober for 7 years) and still wonder what the h*ll I am trying so hard for. Or even what I
am trying for at all.

I don't know how to incorporate people into my life without hating what they do. For them not loving me enough, giving me creedance, thinking I
am important too.

I don't know where God lies and where peace, like AA says, is supposed to come from.

I do not know how to get through more than a couple days sober without wanting to drink again and thinking it is all I have, all I know, my only
solution and so hard to battle against.

I do not know how people on this site even make it a week and stay sober when I cannot. When the battle against the addiction continues to
call my name. When maybe if everything was perfect, if I did enough, if they loved me enough and I loved them, it would be easier.

I have a great life. I really do. I have nothing that is so bad in my life that I have an excuse to be a drunk. Yet at the drop of a phone call, I drink.

All I know is, is that I want to give up. Either be a drunk full time or just let it go. It doesn't work, but I say that being sober doesn't really work
either. I did it, and it wasn't any better. I am so tired of trying to BE someone, GET something, GET love, feel COMPLETE. Feel like I need
something when truth be told, I need to sit, like a child in the corner, in my own space.

And it couldn't make me more angry. Sitting in my "own space." Accepting them, me, my life, my life of being an addict. My life of tryihg to
solve it. This great need for whatever that never seems to be accomplished. Ever. Even sober. It just isn't there.

And in that way, life sucks. There is the goal, never to be attained. This carrot in front of you that you can never have. This weird acceptance of
people and places and things. Which you keep sitting back and wondering why they don't. Why you haven't done enough. Why whether a
drunk or not, sober or not, you have no friends to call and you wonder what the h*ll you did wrong to keep you in such a lonely place.

When years ago as a child, it seemed so simple, didn't it? Just do what mom and dad said and love life and there it was. Now, at the age of 44,
it seems like such a struggle to pay bills, be nice, care, make friends, everything. I never knew life would ever be this hard. I used to think it
was so easy.

My Dad used to say being a drunk was hard, and it truly is. Being sober is just as hard. A friend of mine, fellow alkie, said what difference does
it make and I tend to agree. I don't know if it does. Being sober for 7 years made me feel, I guess, somewhat better about me, it didn't change
them. Obviously, I am a codependent. I guess I always thought if I did the right thing, if I was nice enough, tried really hard, they would come
over, love me, stop thinking I am "in control." Because it isn't true you know. I need love too.

I hate that with my family. I am supposed to handle it all. My brother-in-law got pissed off years ago when I tried to move, and I did, but who
would help my parents? Who would be the "slave?" Like I am conditioned to always live my life as a child of an alcoholic.

And I don't want to be, you know. I WANT my own space. I WANT to care about what a "normal" person is supposed to. Yet I have spent so
many years caring about them, that I do not know not who I am without them. Or without this stupid Web site.

That is the reason I do not accept help so well. Because if I do, I make it about everything who you are and not me. And that doesn't work
either. I depend on you and if you can't fix it, well, it's your fault, and not mine. And maybe, just maybe it IS mine, but when I take the
responsbility, I couldn't feel anymore alone.

And this is who I am.

zerothehero

We are both conditioned to always live our lives as children of alcoholics. A special club, indeed. Both my parents had to die before I decided taking care of myself is worth it. I had to start with self-compassion. Acceptance is still a struggle, but sometimes I have to envision myself as an abused puppy dog before I stop mentally kicking myself in the head and heart. As a living being you also deserve compassion.

least

I'm also sorry you decided to drink tonight. I hope you can find the peace you seek.

Gibbons2

They aren't here you know. No matter what I did, what I have tried so hard for, I am still alone and I am so angry that they are not. If I cannot do for them, how can I do for me when I don't even know who the f*ck I am without them?

Chicagoan

You have underlying problems my friend,
that have never been resolved, many of us do.
These problems can only be addressed in
sobriety. There was a discussion at the
detox center where I was recently released
from, Does depression and unhappiness
cause alcoholism? Well we all know that
the chemical causes depression and unhappiness.
If you are depressed and unhappy when you
begin to drink, it makes it even worse.

I really hope that you go to detox and get
sober, then the underlying problems can be addressed.

Gibbons2

Not true, Chicaoain, there were still there anyhow.

Dee74

You post a lot more after you drink than before Gibbons.
I really think you'd do much better if you switched that around.

D

Gibbons2

You are not hearing me. It is the same either way. I need to care about me, and I DO NOT know how to elavate myself to a place where I really care that much. I do not know how to walk into my own space and think it's o.k. God help me.

Gibbons2

Whatever Dee. No one hears me anyhow. Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

Gibbons2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28HKbCRA1vs Great song.

Gibbons2

And you know what, I DID try, with my Dad, with my Mom, for so many years. With the BFs, yet, I guess whatever I am doing is not good enough. It is like I have no hope for the future. I NEVER fit in, do it right, have enough money, I have no idea, but STILL I do it wrong.

And yet, there MUST be people out there like me. There HAS to be.

Dee74

I and a lot of other folks here have spent hours corresponding with over many threads.
There's actually a startling difference in your posts sober.

As long as you keep insisting that noone listens, noone cares and nothing changes drunk or sober, there's going to be no progress, Gibbons.

That makes me sad - but it's not because I, or anyone else here, is not listening.

D

Chicagoan

I have underlying problems up the
kazoo. If I don't address them,
as determined as I am to stay
sober, there could be a slip in
the future and I would not survive.
I consider alcoholism as deadly as
cancer, it just takes longer to destroy
you. And some forms of cancer can
be cured. I can remain sober but,
never cured.

Gibbons2

Not true, Dee. I always feel the same, I am just trying to "handle" it sober and not be a needy freak. So, blah to what you say. I still feel the same, just do not know what to do with it sober, so I keep it in the closet.

What else do you have to say for your great advice?

Gibbons2

And if I drop dead, folks, I don't know, like my alkie said either, if it made any difference. And Dee, you could SAY, that is all because I am drinking now, but, quite frankly it is true. My Dad died, people die, we try for whatever ... and then, we keep trying. For this bliss, which maybe isn't there. So either yeee hawww, or **** us all.

Gibbons2

And I am tired of sitting here even, trying to explain my ***** up head. I am NOT Miss Perfect, and as "weird" as the Ex tried to be, I am weirded than that. I AM not "normal." And I am da*n proud of it. So if it kicks my @ss early, so be it .

Gibbons2

Because I know there is more to life than falling into line. Than being whatever society wants me to be. Than running a business, or not. Than having a boyfriend.

Because there are feelings here. Maybe I am not who you actually see.

ScottFromWI

I've responded to many of your posts as well gibbons, and I would echo what Dee says exactly. Just read your responses to this thread alone to see what we mean. You can keep blaming everyone/everything else for your state, or you can decide to seek help...that's your choice.

Dee74

Early recovery is hard, but until you push through that and get to the good stuff you can't have any idea about what recovery is.

I know - you were sober for some years.

Being sober without working on the things that drove you to drink in the first place is torture I agree.

You're judging being both drunk and being sober with the same underlying issues. It's no wonder you're unhappy.

What can you do about these underlying issues?

That's up to you, and how much you accept you can do something about them and how much you want to.

D

Cheydinhal

Gibbons, for 7 years you weren't sober, you were a dry drunk. I will pray for the miracle to happen to you. Glad you're here reading and listening.