Gibbons2

I am so sorry I decided to drink tonight. I am so sorry I sound like all the posts I have read here. Told a friend it is just like "play the tape," they
all sound the same. So do I.

I don't understand addiction. I don't understand why it is so hard to quit something you hate. I don't understand why I feel like I am beating my
head against the wall, scared to death, of what I am doing to myself and how much I can drink, yet doing it anyhow.

I don't understand why I can't be "normal."

I do not know why I can look at life, drunk or sober (I was sober for 7 years) and still wonder what the h*ll I am trying so hard for. Or even what I
am trying for at all.

I don't know how to incorporate people into my life without hating what they do. For them not loving me enough, giving me creedance, thinking I
am important too.

I don't know where God lies and where peace, like AA says, is supposed to come from.

I do not know how to get through more than a couple days sober without wanting to drink again and thinking it is all I have, all I know, my only
solution and so hard to battle against.

I do not know how people on this site even make it a week and stay sober when I cannot. When the battle against the addiction continues to
call my name. When maybe if everything was perfect, if I did enough, if they loved me enough and I loved them, it would be easier.

I have a great life. I really do. I have nothing that is so bad in my life that I have an excuse to be a drunk. Yet at the drop of a phone call, I drink.

All I know is, is that I want to give up. Either be a drunk full time or just let it go. It doesn't work, but I say that being sober doesn't really work
either. I did it, and it wasn't any better. I am so tired of trying to BE someone, GET something, GET love, feel COMPLETE. Feel like I need
something when truth be told, I need to sit, like a child in the corner, in my own space.

And it couldn't make me more angry. Sitting in my "own space." Accepting them, me, my life, my life of being an addict. My life of tryihg to
solve it. This great need for whatever that never seems to be accomplished. Ever. Even sober. It just isn't there.

And in that way, life sucks. There is the goal, never to be attained. This carrot in front of you that you can never have. This weird acceptance of
people and places and things. Which you keep sitting back and wondering why they don't. Why you haven't done enough. Why whether a
drunk or not, sober or not, you have no friends to call and you wonder what the h*ll you did wrong to keep you in such a lonely place.

When years ago as a child, it seemed so simple, didn't it? Just do what mom and dad said and love life and there it was. Now, at the age of 44,
it seems like such a struggle to pay bills, be nice, care, make friends, everything. I never knew life would ever be this hard. I used to think it
was so easy.

My Dad used to say being a drunk was hard, and it truly is. Being sober is just as hard. A friend of mine, fellow alkie, said what difference does
it make and I tend to agree. I don't know if it does. Being sober for 7 years made me feel, I guess, somewhat better about me, it didn't change
them. Obviously, I am a codependent. I guess I always thought if I did the right thing, if I was nice enough, tried really hard, they would come
over, love me, stop thinking I am "in control." Because it isn't true you know. I need love too.

I hate that with my family. I am supposed to handle it all. My brother-in-law got pissed off years ago when I tried to move, and I did, but who
would help my parents? Who would be the "slave?" Like I am conditioned to always live my life as a child of an alcoholic.

And I don't want to be, you know. I WANT my own space. I WANT to care about what a "normal" person is supposed to. Yet I have spent so
many years caring about them, that I do not know not who I am without them. Or without this stupid Web site.

That is the reason I do not accept help so well. Because if I do, I make it about everything who you are and not me. And that doesn't work
either. I depend on you and if you can't fix it, well, it's your fault, and not mine. And maybe, just maybe it IS mine, but when I take the
responsbility, I couldn't feel anymore alone.

And this is who I am.