four812

In just a short while I am in the cage of not being able to stop.

I wanted to get my drug before my child's event....
then.... i just wanted to taste a little bit...
i would have been ok there....
but then I wanted to taste a little bit more...
then i sucked in a big hit ....
then it was over I couldn't possible attend the event (I was hearing sirens all over the place and busy with that)

Later I tried to get sleep and then when the alarm went off I called in sick (the last few days I did make it to work but it was miserable)

In just a short while I've used all my lies (now they will be repeated)

I don't want to tell anyone

Marcus

Sorry to hear that my friend. You have been coming around here for what 9 years now? I am sure you were at it for a while too before signing up here. I am not sure what else there is to say to you that you probably haven't already heard somewhere or another.

In our deepest darkest moments it is up to us. Now yes you can use others or a Group Of Druggies (G.O.D.) or your higher power if you believe in one to help you, but the desire to reach out for help at the very least has to come from within and if you are not there yet you are not there yet. This thing can and will kill you eventually. Now sure that doesn't scare many of us, but how about for the simple fact that you hate yourself and your life and just can't go another second repeating the past over and over?

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired. It is a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time, and often moment by moment, but it is entirely possible!! I am praying for you. Take Care!!!

Dee74

Hi Four812

Aren't you tired of all the lies and missing important things, and the shame and self hatred tho?

How long are you gonna keep digging that hole, man?

D

four812

Thanks Marcus and dee. Am I tired of the lies? Well yes. They are tiring; but I'm a pretty good liar when it comes to my addiction and it's like a necessary evil and not intended to hurt anyone. But they do hurt me. Lying never feels good.

I have at least some desire to stay clean for just today. So far this morning. But will that change when work is over or even by lunchtime? Coming here is helping me to at least think about staying clean for one day.

I'm definitely now living in denial and I am seeing a glimpse of that right now. I'm far away from wanting to go to a meeting, but it's good to be here.

four812

I'm trying to be honest about my situation.

Work is almost over and I'm getting the itch. The best thing I got right now is to pray for willingness. Also I go straight to therapy after work ... But I just noticed that I don't want to be totally honest....

biminiblue

Sounds like you are still torn.

I would pick one side of the fence or the other. Eventually you'll learn the grass is greenest on the side of life.

AnvilheadII

they are tiring; but I'm a pretty good liar when it comes to my addiction and it's like a necessary evil and not intended to hurt anyone.

wonder how hurt your child was when you missed the event? we are not islands...what we do even in secret affects others.

right drugs are more important than your child, your job, your flagging self-respect. whatever lies the drugs tell you about how great it's gonna be never come true. it's a dead end road. and one day that one more might be your last.

or you could make today the day you say NO MORE and quit letting a drug be in charge of your life. of your day. of your thoughts. of what you get to do and what you don't. surely you've done enough by now that "one more" isn't really gonna change a damn thing.

FT

Is this a joke? Seriously.

You start out by saying, "I'm trying to be honest about my situation." then you end saying, "But I just noticed that I don't want to be totally honest."

I realize you were referring to talking to your therapist, but in reality your whole life is one big fat lie. I don't believe you are being honest here at all.

"The best thing I got right now is to pray for willingness" What? Are you kidding me? What is your child, chopped liver?

If you actually really have a kid, I have zero empathy for you.

If you really DO have a child, SHAME ON YOU -- what about that little human, who is learning all his/her coping skills from you? Children are very very aware of what we are doing, regardless of how well we think we hide it. Even if you use "in private," your coping skills become the model for your child. Your child never even needs to see your crack pipe to learn how NOT to cope from you.

But kids have no choice. The world they see around them becomes their "normal" and what they will seek to return to again and again as adults.

Put your child in your place, 10 or so years from now. Is this what you want for your child -- to be smoking crack and making all kinds of excuses why they continue to do so?

How will you feel then, knowing you could have stopped -- today, right now -- the inherited pattern of drug abuse you are passing down to your child?

Whenever I read posts from addicts who have small children, my heart just sinks, knowing this is the next generation of addicts we will have to try to "cure."

The "cure" is you.

finaltime

Amen FT. You couldn't have said it better. Come on man your child's event. You are trying but how hard. I've been where you are more time then I can count. I know it's hard. There's help out there and help here. I hope you quit before it's too late or you lose your child.

Dee74

Please remember this is a support site.

Straight talk by all means, but shaming is not appropriate.
As addicts we do that pretty well ourselves.

Questioning if the poster is genuine is not acceptable either.

If you feel this is so, then move on to another thread. Use the ignore function.

Ignore bothersome members. If there is someone on the forum that bothers you, select the Ignore option on the drop down menu under their name on the post. You won't see any posts from this member again.

I did not remove posts because to do so would reduce this thread to only a few posts... but I expect people to be courteous and constructive.

D

Dee74

Four812

I think, if you want to change, you need to make changes.

Maybe that means getting into a programme like AA or one of the many 12 step alternatives.

Maybe that means rehab.

But everyday to make the same old decisions and get high, you're watching a little bit more of your world crumble.

The trust of a child is a terrible thing to squander...as is the goodwill of your employer, and your friends and family.

Like I said before, you're digging a hole.

You can stop whenever you like - but get some help to help you do it.

D

Caliday

What Dee74 said - as long as you are breathing, you have another chance.

The shame and guilt and regret about missing your child's event - you do not have to experience that again. One day, one breath, at a time, don't pick up the first drug.

Maybe go to a meeting, whether in person or online, and keep coming here.

finaltime

Four how are you today? I apologize if I came off harsh. I know how hard it is, just go through and read the stuff I have done. I overdosed on a holiday when I was the only one with my child. I also put my child at risk more times then I can count and don't want to do that anymore. All I can do right now is get to a meeting a day and pray to not pick up. I am thinking about you and know how hard the struggle is. There is help out there. Please seek help. we are here for you.

four812

Thank you

anykey

812,

May I ask what your plans are now?

FT

Anyone who remembers me from when I used to post every day likely recalls I never did pull any punches.

Most also remember I did so most of the time with humor, and tough love.

four812 -- I took the time to post on your thread ONLY because of your kid. I actually believe addicts have the right to use if they want to, as long as they don't hurt someone else doing it.

I quit doing anything but occasional posting quite some time ago because my approach is not always taken kindly, but I will always err on the side of protecting the children any time I can.

So, I hope I have not offended you, four812. I only want you to think of your kid first, and yourself next. No one can parent well when high, but unfortunately that's the only one way some addicts can parent at all.