Sorry to hear that my friend. You have been coming around here for what 9 years now? I am sure you were at it for a while too before signing up here. I am not sure what else there is to say to you that you probably haven't already heard somewhere or another.
In our deepest darkest moments it is up to us. Now yes you can use others or a Group Of Druggies (G.O.D.) or your higher power if you believe in one to help you, but the desire to reach out for help at the very least has to come from within and if you are not there yet you are not there yet. This thing can and will kill you eventually. Now sure that doesn't scare many of us, but how about for the simple fact that you hate yourself and your life and just can't go another second repeating the past over and over?
Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired. It is a day at a time, an hour at a time, a minute at a time, and often moment by moment, but it is entirely possible!! I am praying for you. Take Care!!!