My log: finally quitting alcohol and weed, permanently
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
My log: finally quitting alcohol and weed, permanently
This will be a log of my feelings, hopefully daily, through the process of quitting my daily weed and alcohol habits. The log will start on the second post. I've chosen to post here as a way for others to sort of hold me accountable. I've lurked support forums in the past, so I've seen how they can help. I'll be posting on other threads too, so hopefully I'll get to learn a little about the background of other members here too and give my feedback. 
Below is a long background story if you are interested (I kind of just let my thoughts flow onto the keyboard; sorry that it's so long lol):
I am 26 years old and I started smoking weed and alcohol around 18 years old. I have been a daily smoker for about 7 years, and during that time I had about a 5 year period of drinking about a fifth a day at my worst (prior to that it was two or three 40s a night).
Right before I managed to graduate college with a Bachelors (thank god school was never too tough for me - I hardly ever went to classes and squeaked by with the bare minimum), I finally decided to address the underlying issues of why I was drinking and smoking so much, which I knew was a depression/anxiety issue. I felt there was no point to life; who would want to work like a zombie just to have somewhere to sleep; the concept of joy did not exist for me at the time.
During this time, I pretty much ruined a relationship with a girl who put up with me being blackout drunk everyday, not showing her any attention, etc. (We'll call her N for later). It took me a while to admit that I needed help to get rid of the issues; for a long time I would talk down to myself for being mentally weak, reinforcing the idea that pills for such a "slight" mental issue is a sign of weakness. When I finally tried out a few different SSRIs (and antabuse) and found one that worked, my whole outlook changed. I kicked the alcohol, but I kept smoking. The way I saw it, I was no longer depressed, I was being productive, so why not smoke, right?
A few months later, I decided to start a business (I've always been business savvy) and rented a small shop where I bought and sold jewelry. I enrolled in a small jewelry school and became very close with the owner, effectively creating tons of industry connections in the process. At this point, I was doing something I previously thought was impossible: working, earning money, and not hating it! I was working from 7AM to 7PM everyday... but still religiously running to and smoking a few joints back to back and the end of each day.
This felt normal - it felt like it should be: a nice way to relax after a hard day of working. The problem with this was I have problem with moderating substances... so it worked when I only had two hours a day to smoke, but when I decided to start taking an off day (when I was previously working 7 days a week), I would smoke literally all day. No social life, no real hobbies (outside of the same computer game I'd been playing for years), and no real natural happiness - just weed. Weed was what I was working for, and without it I felt that there was no point to doing anything. Oh yeah, I moved in with a girlfriend (who we'll call R) at some point during this whole ordeal. She knew of my drinking problems and how I recently quit, but she was cool with the weed.
But all I cared about was weed. When I was at work (I immediately left the house each morning to avoid smoking until the end of the day), my mind was focused on my job and the people who were interacting with me, but the only thing keeping me sane was the idea that I could smoke a big ass blunt at the end of the day. If I didn't have that to look forward to, I didn't see a point to life. I completely neglected my girlfriend (which she didnt deserve) and she eventually moved out, to which I showed no emotion. At the time R left, I honestly was just glad I was able to smoke my weed without having her bug me about vacuuming or cleaning dishes (great priorities, right?).
R leaves, I decide, "Hey, nobody is around to judge me for drinking anymore, why can't I have a 40 after work sometimes?" Which soon turned into every night, which led to hangovers, which led to days where I wouldn't open my shop, which led to having less money. Luckily I was still making a good amount, so I managed to outgrow my location (where I had been for about 1.5 years).
Now I've opened a bigger store, all my money is invested into it, and for years I've been wanting to quit the abuse. This must now be the best time to quit, right? Of course not... Since I had to wait for the store to officially open after installing all the equipment, I decided I deserve a week long vacation where I could smoke all day everyday as a reward for all my hard work. But soon it was two weeks... then three weeks. Then I'm avoiding phone calls from customers who are waiting to make payments to me because I'm too high and anxious to talk business. Even all this didn't open my eyes.
Lonely and feeling guilty about squandering this huge opportunity that I worked hard for (opening a new store), I reached out to N with a simple text message asking how she had been. I hadn't heard from her in a long while, but she immediately responded and it ended up that we now live five minutes from each other now. We hang out, it gets a little romantic, and I want to prove to her that I've changed. I brought her flowers and wrote a long message apologizing for all the **** I put her through being drunk before, acknowledging that she deserved better. As expected, she was hesitant but still seemed willing to give me a chance. After enjoying the rest of the evening, she invites me to the bedroom (YES!!!!) to spend the night. She offers me a drink so we can both relax... I accept, thinking I've conquered the alcohol issue.
The next memory I have is waking up alone in her bed in the morning. I find her out on the couch and I had no clue what stupid **** I must have done to screw that up. She told me how disappointed she was with me; how after I give her a card apologizing for not treating her right, I get blackout drunk not even two hours later. We talked a little bit, but I decided I had done enough talking about changing. She is not done with me, but she's really close.
I think as of this morning I've finally snapped/grown up. I've never had this much clarity and focus on the idea of quitting. It's been on my mind for a few years, but now I know I'm mentally prepared to do it. I have a wonderful life, I have a successful business, I have a girl who has put up with so much from me who I want to make happy... and all this is put at risk because I'm scared of losing the happiness that comes with substance abuse.
I don't need alcohol or weed, so now it's time to prove it to myself.
Below is a long background story if you are interested (I kind of just let my thoughts flow onto the keyboard; sorry that it's so long lol):
I am 26 years old and I started smoking weed and alcohol around 18 years old. I have been a daily smoker for about 7 years, and during that time I had about a 5 year period of drinking about a fifth a day at my worst (prior to that it was two or three 40s a night).
Right before I managed to graduate college with a Bachelors (thank god school was never too tough for me - I hardly ever went to classes and squeaked by with the bare minimum), I finally decided to address the underlying issues of why I was drinking and smoking so much, which I knew was a depression/anxiety issue. I felt there was no point to life; who would want to work like a zombie just to have somewhere to sleep; the concept of joy did not exist for me at the time.
During this time, I pretty much ruined a relationship with a girl who put up with me being blackout drunk everyday, not showing her any attention, etc. (We'll call her N for later). It took me a while to admit that I needed help to get rid of the issues; for a long time I would talk down to myself for being mentally weak, reinforcing the idea that pills for such a "slight" mental issue is a sign of weakness. When I finally tried out a few different SSRIs (and antabuse) and found one that worked, my whole outlook changed. I kicked the alcohol, but I kept smoking. The way I saw it, I was no longer depressed, I was being productive, so why not smoke, right?
A few months later, I decided to start a business (I've always been business savvy) and rented a small shop where I bought and sold jewelry. I enrolled in a small jewelry school and became very close with the owner, effectively creating tons of industry connections in the process. At this point, I was doing something I previously thought was impossible: working, earning money, and not hating it! I was working from 7AM to 7PM everyday... but still religiously running to and smoking a few joints back to back and the end of each day.
This felt normal - it felt like it should be: a nice way to relax after a hard day of working. The problem with this was I have problem with moderating substances... so it worked when I only had two hours a day to smoke, but when I decided to start taking an off day (when I was previously working 7 days a week), I would smoke literally all day. No social life, no real hobbies (outside of the same computer game I'd been playing for years), and no real natural happiness - just weed. Weed was what I was working for, and without it I felt that there was no point to doing anything. Oh yeah, I moved in with a girlfriend (who we'll call R) at some point during this whole ordeal. She knew of my drinking problems and how I recently quit, but she was cool with the weed.
But all I cared about was weed. When I was at work (I immediately left the house each morning to avoid smoking until the end of the day), my mind was focused on my job and the people who were interacting with me, but the only thing keeping me sane was the idea that I could smoke a big ass blunt at the end of the day. If I didn't have that to look forward to, I didn't see a point to life. I completely neglected my girlfriend (which she didnt deserve) and she eventually moved out, to which I showed no emotion. At the time R left, I honestly was just glad I was able to smoke my weed without having her bug me about vacuuming or cleaning dishes (great priorities, right?).
R leaves, I decide, "Hey, nobody is around to judge me for drinking anymore, why can't I have a 40 after work sometimes?" Which soon turned into every night, which led to hangovers, which led to days where I wouldn't open my shop, which led to having less money. Luckily I was still making a good amount, so I managed to outgrow my location (where I had been for about 1.5 years).
Now I've opened a bigger store, all my money is invested into it, and for years I've been wanting to quit the abuse. This must now be the best time to quit, right? Of course not... Since I had to wait for the store to officially open after installing all the equipment, I decided I deserve a week long vacation where I could smoke all day everyday as a reward for all my hard work. But soon it was two weeks... then three weeks. Then I'm avoiding phone calls from customers who are waiting to make payments to me because I'm too high and anxious to talk business. Even all this didn't open my eyes.
Lonely and feeling guilty about squandering this huge opportunity that I worked hard for (opening a new store), I reached out to N with a simple text message asking how she had been. I hadn't heard from her in a long while, but she immediately responded and it ended up that we now live five minutes from each other now. We hang out, it gets a little romantic, and I want to prove to her that I've changed. I brought her flowers and wrote a long message apologizing for all the **** I put her through being drunk before, acknowledging that she deserved better. As expected, she was hesitant but still seemed willing to give me a chance. After enjoying the rest of the evening, she invites me to the bedroom (YES!!!!) to spend the night. She offers me a drink so we can both relax... I accept, thinking I've conquered the alcohol issue.
The next memory I have is waking up alone in her bed in the morning. I find her out on the couch and I had no clue what stupid **** I must have done to screw that up. She told me how disappointed she was with me; how after I give her a card apologizing for not treating her right, I get blackout drunk not even two hours later. We talked a little bit, but I decided I had done enough talking about changing. She is not done with me, but she's really close.
I think as of this morning I've finally snapped/grown up. I've never had this much clarity and focus on the idea of quitting. It's been on my mind for a few years, but now I know I'm mentally prepared to do it. I have a wonderful life, I have a successful business, I have a girl who has put up with so much from me who I want to make happy... and all this is put at risk because I'm scared of losing the happiness that comes with substance abuse.
I don't need alcohol or weed, so now it's time to prove it to myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Day 1: I'm used to only smoking at night, and right now is when I usually light up for the first time, so my desire to smoke isn't too bad. I'm anxious and expecting to experience a lack of sleep, but I will be hanging out with my girl so hopefully she will keep me feeling good. I am tempted to drink as a substitute, but I won't be doing so. Hopefully my appetite isn't too screwed up; my girl is an amazing cook. Can't wait for day 2...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Edit: I would highly appreciate feedback on my log posts - I will be doing my best to return the favor to others. Thanks so much for the quick replies. It means a lot to me.
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Welcome to SR relobe
Just so we're clear, do you want feedback on your log?
D
Just so we're clear, do you want feedback on your log?
D
Last edited by relobe; 04-21-2014 at 07:53 PM. Reason: Messed up...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by victor7
One of the biggest motivators is making myself realize that I'm substituting high time for time with loved ones, and you will Never ever get that time or opportunities back.
You've touched on one key issue for me: I need to realize that even though I don't feel instantly, physically "high" from it, the overall experience and enjoyment of spending time with someone you care about has everlasting benefits.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
One other thing that might be of interest to those reading: I got off the SSRIs (and benzos, and antabuse). I don't take any pills at this time. Once I got into a daily routine, I was able to get along with my daily life and felt I didn't need them any longer.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: mesa arizona
Posts: 37
Exactly! The joy you get out of an actual human Being far outweighs the joy you get from weed or alcohol. I've been addicted to synthetic weed for the better part of three years. I've pushed ppl Away. Said no to social activities. And possibly severed relationships over the ****. Enough is enough i told myself. 5 days and I have been more alive in these past five days than I have in 3 years !!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I smoked for 30 years and drank for 20, so I well understand that what was once something I consumed came to consume me instead.
It's insidious but inevitable I think.
You can turn your life around tho - I changed my life at 40 so you can certainly do it relobe
D
It's insidious but inevitable I think.
You can turn your life around tho - I changed my life at 40 so you can certainly do it relobe
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by victor7
Exactly! The joy you get out of an actual human Being far outweighs the joy you get from weed or alcohol. I've been addicted to synthetic weed for the better part of three years. I've pushed ppl Away. Said no to social activities. And possibly severed relationships over the ****. Enough is enough i told myself. 5 days and I have been more alive in these past five days than I have in 3 years !!!!
6 days now for you huh? Have you been spending a lot of time with family (you mentioned spending time with loved ones)?
Originally Posted by Dee74
I smoked for 30 years and drank for 20, so I well understand that what was once something I consumed came to consume me instead.
It's insidious but inevitable I think.
You can turn your life around tho - I changed my life at 40 so you can certainly do it relobe
D
It's insidious but inevitable I think.
You can turn your life around tho - I changed my life at 40 so you can certainly do it relobe
D
How long have you been sober? After such a long addiction period, how have your relationships progressed? Met new people? Reunite with old people you knew? Have you gotten closer to your family? (These questions also go out to anyone reading who relates as well)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Day two: Surprisingly, I slept pretty well last night (this is most likely because I was working all day non-stop and pretty much exhausted myself). I haven't had any crazy dreams or anything yet (I know they are coming; I quit once for about 3 weeks before). However, I was slightly more irritable than normal when talking to my girl last night.
I had an encounter with a neighbor I met for the first time at the laundromat this morning who made a few racist comments; normally his types of comments would make me a little bothered and I'd brush it off, but I did get much more emotional/upset than normal.
I don't have much appetite but I need to lose a few pounds anyways, so maybe it's a good thing.
I'll be out working from morning until night once again, and hopefully I'll be able to fall right asleep once I get home.
I had an encounter with a neighbor I met for the first time at the laundromat this morning who made a few racist comments; normally his types of comments would make me a little bothered and I'd brush it off, but I did get much more emotional/upset than normal.
I don't have much appetite but I need to lose a few pounds anyways, so maybe it's a good thing.
I'll be out working from morning until night once again, and hopefully I'll be able to fall right asleep once I get home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by coming_clean
Marijuana is an assasin, u never see it coming but suddenly your life is gone.
Good you decided to quit.
Good you decided to quit.
There are probably a lot of people on this board in particular who I'm sure have a differing opinion on this issue, but I believe it: for most people, I think habitual weed usage will drastically limit their potential. They might not end up homeless, but they will stay in their comfort zone and pass up opportunities they would normally (while sober) be looking for.
But there are, say, 1%-5% (I'm completely making up these percentages) of habitual users who have no problem living their lives normally while using a reasonable amount of weed daily, similar to how the average joe will have a beer with dinner and never consider getting to the point of drunkenness. I'm not one of those people, I never will be, and that's the bottom line - this was something I was in denial about for a long time. I felt that if I just did things a little different, I'd be one of those "responsible" users. Above all else, I think that's what kept me from quitting for so long; I would simply say to myself, "Hey I know that one guy who is successful and smokes when he wants... I can do that too."
The above viewpoint might be taboo on this board as many users may be of the opinion that all drugs are 100% bad period with no exceptions (which is fine! I wouldn't miss any mind altering drugs if they disappeared from the face of this earth at this point), but I felt it was relevant to my log as it provides insight on my thought processes when coming to the decision to quit.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Day two (second update): I have so much energy I don't know what to do with it. I've been running around all day getting stuff done, plus I'm not anxious about making uncomfortable business phone calls.
I had urges to drink to get past the desire to smoke weed yesterday (which is how I managed to quit for a few weeks in the past), but I got past them and today I have no desire whatsoever to smoke or drink.
Most importantly: I'm ready for the cravings when they come.
I had urges to drink to get past the desire to smoke weed yesterday (which is how I managed to quit for a few weeks in the past), but I got past them and today I have no desire whatsoever to smoke or drink.
Most importantly: I'm ready for the cravings when they come.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 30
Day two (update 3): My energy levels have stayed consistently high, which I love because I have a lot to get done, but man are things hazy. I am having issues focusing on tasks; things that usually take me 10 minutes are taking me an hour since I kind of zone out and get distracted by something else. This issue can likely be explained by the following:
"In a 2001 study looking at neuropsychological performance in long-term cannabis users, researchers found "some cognitive deficits appear detectable at least 7 days after heavy cannabis use but appear reversible and related to recent cannabis exposure rather than irreversible and related to cumulative lifetime use"." (My post count isn't high enough to post a link to the study, but it's available at a website called the JAMA Network).
"In a 2001 study looking at neuropsychological performance in long-term cannabis users, researchers found "some cognitive deficits appear detectable at least 7 days after heavy cannabis use but appear reversible and related to recent cannabis exposure rather than irreversible and related to cumulative lifetime use"." (My post count isn't high enough to post a link to the study, but it's available at a website called the JAMA Network).
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by relobe
I know I can, D. I realize I am a lot more fortunate that many others struggling with addiction in that I have endless ways to occupy my mind and get over the initial hump; the key personally for me is to realize that having a business to run is a blessing, and I have to consciously focus on not letting it become a source of stress. And if it does stress me out, there are other ways to cope with it.
How long have you been sober? After such a long addiction period, how have your relationships progressed? Met new people? Reunite with old people you knew? Have you gotten closer to your family? (These questions also go out to anyone reading who relates as well)
How long have you been sober? After such a long addiction period, how have your relationships progressed? Met new people? Reunite with old people you knew? Have you gotten closer to your family? (These questions also go out to anyone reading who relates as well)
I have a great relationship with my partner.
There's actually no abnormal drinkers and no potheads in my life now.
Early recovery can be rough, but once you get through that it gets kinda serene and peaceful - not that I don't have problems or I'm a saint - but life really is on a even keel these days, no matter what
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Hi Relobe. Welcome to SR again.
glad you're giving it up and thanks for sharing with us.
I am confused. You are having trouble and it's taking an hour to do things that used to take 10 minutes. You attribute it to the fact - based on a study you cited - that cognitive deficits can remain for up to seven days following long term cannabis use. Does this mean that during your use you were able to complete these tasks in ten minutes? Or are you comparing this to things you could do 6or7 years ago? I'm having a tough time typing on this phone. ..I'll finish later.
glad you're giving it up and thanks for sharing with us.
I am confused. You are having trouble and it's taking an hour to do things that used to take 10 minutes. You attribute it to the fact - based on a study you cited - that cognitive deficits can remain for up to seven days following long term cannabis use. Does this mean that during your use you were able to complete these tasks in ten minutes? Or are you comparing this to things you could do 6or7 years ago? I'm having a tough time typing on this phone. ..I'll finish later.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
