Welcome Randa!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 110
Welcome Randa!
Hi Randa!
I'm James, a pothead/alkie/codie and I thought I'd start a welcome thread for you since I've probably got the closest profile to you of anyone in this neighborhood. I "need to grow up" at 50 myself, after a lifetime filled with lots of pot, enough alcohol abuse to buy me a seat at AA, and codependence both in relationships and at work. I haven't had a jail type bottom either - but my 19 years of unfiled tax returns (being filed now) certainly put me at risk of that.
Have a seat here and tell us all about yourself. The rest of the gang should be by soon enough.
I'm James, a pothead/alkie/codie and I thought I'd start a welcome thread for you since I've probably got the closest profile to you of anyone in this neighborhood. I "need to grow up" at 50 myself, after a lifetime filled with lots of pot, enough alcohol abuse to buy me a seat at AA, and codependence both in relationships and at work. I haven't had a jail type bottom either - but my 19 years of unfiled tax returns (being filed now) certainly put me at risk of that.
Have a seat here and tell us all about yourself. The rest of the gang should be by soon enough.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Thank you James, how cool that you are doing this! I had no ideal what would happen when I tried to get involved via this way....Ha! Ha!
I came from a family where my dad was the center of our world and he was an alcoholic as well. My mom was meek and never asked anything for herself. My dad had an affair with my mom's twin sister that produced my part cusons (sp) and sister and brother. Its was confusing to me and my siblings (sp)..My dad did something that I am too embrassed at this time to talk about.
I am starting back too far probably..but it lets you have a feel for my never wanting to grow up...problem..
Like my mom, all I wanted was someone to make the decisions and take the responsibilities while all I wanted was to cook, nuture, be loved and have a "knight" be my protector.
Well, it has taken most of my life to realize that I have always had my own power and choices...I always felt like a child. I always felt shame.
When I turned 18, I rebelled and left my over-protective, incestious dad and run into a fellow who was also immature and a mama's boy whom I married after knowing him for a couple of months..I have not diviorced he (left him about 8 yrs ago)
I got catch up in the 60's Pot..culture never left it..really..I love pot..I tried many other drugs..but never felt the same way as I did about pot.
I've been abused mostly verbably and have suffered from depression most of my life. Been hospitatized half a dozen times..for depression/mariquana abuse.
I fall for an alcohlic in 1999, and being the co dep that I am...I ruinned by financial and emotional world...My guy is actually in a program right now and I've read so many self help books, did NA\AA. But not exactly as suggested..
I've searched and searched off and on most of my life..for the solutions to my problems but never completed anything.
CMH (county mental health) told me that they would not gave me anti-depression meds until I stop using pot. When I work and have insurance, of course, I get everything and anything I need. But in the last year and half, I have stopped working and maybe this is what I need to do..to look at life's anwers..as I tend to work very hard (support family) and not balance my life. The "I am 2 people" syndrome. One way at work, quite another when I get home.
The hardest thing for me to do is to put myself first. Its also an excuse for not having the couage to try care of myself. Pot, depression, co-dep behaviors, its all a cop-out. Knowing this of course makes me feel ashamed which is not what I need to be feeling, so I am always checking my thoughts...ACTIONS ARE HARDER..
I came from a family where my dad was the center of our world and he was an alcoholic as well. My mom was meek and never asked anything for herself. My dad had an affair with my mom's twin sister that produced my part cusons (sp) and sister and brother. Its was confusing to me and my siblings (sp)..My dad did something that I am too embrassed at this time to talk about.
I am starting back too far probably..but it lets you have a feel for my never wanting to grow up...problem..
Like my mom, all I wanted was someone to make the decisions and take the responsibilities while all I wanted was to cook, nuture, be loved and have a "knight" be my protector.
Well, it has taken most of my life to realize that I have always had my own power and choices...I always felt like a child. I always felt shame.
When I turned 18, I rebelled and left my over-protective, incestious dad and run into a fellow who was also immature and a mama's boy whom I married after knowing him for a couple of months..I have not diviorced he (left him about 8 yrs ago)
I got catch up in the 60's Pot..culture never left it..really..I love pot..I tried many other drugs..but never felt the same way as I did about pot.
I've been abused mostly verbably and have suffered from depression most of my life. Been hospitatized half a dozen times..for depression/mariquana abuse.
I fall for an alcohlic in 1999, and being the co dep that I am...I ruinned by financial and emotional world...My guy is actually in a program right now and I've read so many self help books, did NA\AA. But not exactly as suggested..
I've searched and searched off and on most of my life..for the solutions to my problems but never completed anything.
CMH (county mental health) told me that they would not gave me anti-depression meds until I stop using pot. When I work and have insurance, of course, I get everything and anything I need. But in the last year and half, I have stopped working and maybe this is what I need to do..to look at life's anwers..as I tend to work very hard (support family) and not balance my life. The "I am 2 people" syndrome. One way at work, quite another when I get home.
The hardest thing for me to do is to put myself first. Its also an excuse for not having the couage to try care of myself. Pot, depression, co-dep behaviors, its all a cop-out. Knowing this of course makes me feel ashamed which is not what I need to be feeling, so I am always checking my thoughts...ACTIONS ARE HARDER..
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 101
A Newbie
Hi everyone. this is my first time on any chat or forum page and i have no idea where to go. i am a pot head and a christian also. i don't know what i need to write or which post to write it on. can anyone help me?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Welcome lizzy! Go to the main page of this forum, where you found this thread. Find the "New Thread" button and click. And much like you did here, just write in the text box. What you want to say is up to you.
No judgement in SoberRecoveryville! Only support.
No judgement in SoberRecoveryville! Only support.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
thanks for the welcome, hi lizzy,ted and kelkel
Thanks for your responses. I think I'll just read more and type less as I am feeling tired. I also tend to communite in a rambling way. I tried to do a quick summary but as most of us...there are books of details, too many to talk about. I need to quit pot to get a job and to get well. I am afraid or lack courage to do what I need to do. This is my effort to start doing something right for myself. thanks again..randa
What is a thread?.
I am self- consious and after years of pot, I don't spell very good, frustrating!
What is a thread?.
I am self- consious and after years of pot, I don't spell very good, frustrating!
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 101
always sucks when you need to get a job but you really need to quit smoking to pass that drug test. as much as i relied on solutions from the head shop or someone else's sample, i was still anxious about whether or not it would work. i knew i was addicted when i couldn't stay clean for 2 weeks to cleanse my system to pass a drug test. as for your spelling, let that be the least of your worries. sounds like you had quite an upbringing. mine was relatively normal, but i have heard my share of family upbringings. Mostly because i have good friends in quite similar situations as yours.
how people manage to grow up normal after things they were subjected to still amazes me. despite family backgrounds, people learn to be strong and rely on self. it sounds like you care about yourself and you should know that you are not the only one that does.
how people manage to grow up normal after things they were subjected to still amazes me. despite family backgrounds, people learn to be strong and rely on self. it sounds like you care about yourself and you should know that you are not the only one that does.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
I don't know when you posted the #9 "thread". I am still getting a feel for this posting stuff. It is truely amazing that I have lived with this disease for so long..and not given up. I love the fact that you understand what I am going thur as I definetly understand the things you are saying..I posted on your thread a response that I am going to start my soberity now after I read your posting. I have been almost there, but not quite. Starting is always strange.(no appetite, restlessness, crying without a reason, goom and great saddness to name a few ) but with a focus attention on all the good that will came and the support from caring peers..it can be done.
I am up as I am not stoned and passing out...my thoughts as I go to bed will be on the love and support I can find out there while I do this thing as I am not alone..either are you!
I am up as I am not stoned and passing out...my thoughts as I go to bed will be on the love and support I can find out there while I do this thing as I am not alone..either are you!
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: El Paso, Tx
Posts: 5,862
Welcome NTGU and Lizzie!
We're glad you found us. Stick around, keep posting, visit the various forums. This is a great means of support and we're here to help you along the way in your decisions to remain clean and sober.
We're glad you found us. Stick around, keep posting, visit the various forums. This is a great means of support and we're here to help you along the way in your decisions to remain clean and sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 101
NTGU
about to go pick up kiddos from daycare but wanted to let you know i am around and praying for your mental and physical health. Smoking allows us to deal with 'reality' because for some reason or another we don't enjoy life sober. I don't want to live that way and it's obvious you do not either. i am not sure what all to say or ask so why don't you post some random thoughts about the things that are at the top of your mind today and maybe we can discuss things from there. Keep trying. Don't give up. I also posted to you on my thread.
Audra
about to go pick up kiddos from daycare but wanted to let you know i am around and praying for your mental and physical health. Smoking allows us to deal with 'reality' because for some reason or another we don't enjoy life sober. I don't want to live that way and it's obvious you do not either. i am not sure what all to say or ask so why don't you post some random thoughts about the things that are at the top of your mind today and maybe we can discuss things from there. Keep trying. Don't give up. I also posted to you on my thread.
Audra
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
my bf is looking for housing or shelter as he is homeless and just completed a 10 day detox... while I am concerned for him..I will not let that stop my primary focus on me for my issues..(I have learned that thur all the readings..).. I can't help him..he has to help himsefl..I can love and pray and look up resources for him..but that all.
In the past, I have spent all or any $ I've had on him while he was dranking..Even thourgh he is really trying for the first time..I can't get all upset and focus on his issues.at the detriment of mine....
I am still clean as today will be my first full day...I'm okay so far and have many things to be grateful for..I am blessed..by people at this site and that my daughter is letting stay with her so that I will not be homeless..or at shelters. So.. I will be back later today or night...Thanks for your prayers..Audra..
In the past, I have spent all or any $ I've had on him while he was dranking..Even thourgh he is really trying for the first time..I can't get all upset and focus on his issues.at the detriment of mine....
I am still clean as today will be my first full day...I'm okay so far and have many things to be grateful for..I am blessed..by people at this site and that my daughter is letting stay with her so that I will not be homeless..or at shelters. So.. I will be back later today or night...Thanks for your prayers..Audra..
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 101
Randa,
i think that is your name, please correct me if i am wrong. you are right about your friend needing to help himself and he will never be able to if someone is always doing it for him. he (just as anyone) will continue to lean on others as long as they let him, thus never really progressing. always going round and round the same circle. You absolutely have to focus on you because no one can do it for you. Just like no one can make me sober. As a friend you can continue to support (emotionally, etc.), direct, or guide. But i think that is all you can or should do. as for you, how are you? How is your first day of being sober? i honestly am completing my second full day of sobriety and the craving is there. What was your drug of choice? Were you a stoner such as myself? I think your daughter must care about you a great deal to want to help you until you begin to be able to help yourself. So congratulate yourself for raising such a loving and supporting daughter. Focus on things like that. As much as your addiction has brought you down, your spirit and person was still there to live life and do some wonderful things in your life. here you are, with a desire to be a better person and to live a clean life. What a testament to the type of person you are. Keep trucking, because you WILL make it. you will overcome
love ya
audra
i think that is your name, please correct me if i am wrong. you are right about your friend needing to help himself and he will never be able to if someone is always doing it for him. he (just as anyone) will continue to lean on others as long as they let him, thus never really progressing. always going round and round the same circle. You absolutely have to focus on you because no one can do it for you. Just like no one can make me sober. As a friend you can continue to support (emotionally, etc.), direct, or guide. But i think that is all you can or should do. as for you, how are you? How is your first day of being sober? i honestly am completing my second full day of sobriety and the craving is there. What was your drug of choice? Were you a stoner such as myself? I think your daughter must care about you a great deal to want to help you until you begin to be able to help yourself. So congratulate yourself for raising such a loving and supporting daughter. Focus on things like that. As much as your addiction has brought you down, your spirit and person was still there to live life and do some wonderful things in your life. here you are, with a desire to be a better person and to live a clean life. What a testament to the type of person you are. Keep trucking, because you WILL make it. you will overcome
love ya
audra
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Southern California
Posts: 129
Thanks audra..and everyone..
How is my first day? Its started with this site, so I started on a hopeful note. Yes, I am on of the biggest Pot heads I know..I am now quite mature..in my late 50's.(look about 10-15 yrs younger than I am)..due too my genes and being a stoner by my late 20's..I avoided the sun and stayed stoned and at times very depressed. The worst was in my 30's and 40's..where I supported my family..while my husband fell apart on me and obsessed with me and our son. Not realizing my oun power and choices, I at that time truely felt I was trapped..ALWAYS SMOKING..
Since 1991 when I first got into treatment thur my job..great programs..that worked for a while..but my co-dp issues w/my husband..were too far and deep for me to stay focused on recovery..
I lost a full term baby while smoking..and my husband gave up supporting the family. A year later our son was born and my husband has never let my son go...and I didn't know I would do a I wanted..I felt very depressed and sought counciling, meds, alot programs..
My shame and guilt just buried me for years..all the while the seeds of recovery were planted.
I get very emotional when I first stop smoking..I am now at this site to remind myself of the true of life on life's terms..to grow up by taking personal responsibility for my choices.. I will never gave up..I felt very sad and teary before sitting down to this tonight...
My boyfriend is out in the cold..He is frustraded by no being able to be placed in a treatment program..from the 15 clean in detox and 10 program..so I got on-line and got alot of numbers for him to call. He did call many..while he came to visit me today.
He is afraid of the rules and restrictions..guess he is not desperate enough..He is afraid of many things..but you guys want to know how I am, not about him..
I am very emotional about him....and want to cry about it..its sad...
but I always want to or feel meloncaly when I don't have weed to made me "better".
I have been using so little weed that it helps..when I don't have any..the going crazy feeling is not as intense..as when I had alot to smoke. I no that I will feel sad. I do feel sad..very very sad..all the addicts around me are people I love. All my children are addicts and it brokes my heart. But I need to focus on the positives..the HOPE that recovery can and will being if I do whats suggested..IF I choice the right choices, IF I share my feelings and feel the love from all of you..
Its okay to cry...and be sad..as long as I don't over react..like I usually do..please help me not give in to the strong emotions..I just have to keep talking to you guys and I will be okay and get thur this..
they say its okay to cry..god let me feel your presense and know that I will be okay..I will get off for a few..will problably be back soon for its helps so much to have this forum..anyway..I am an old lady, young at heart, and still trying to get it right and the seeds planted long ago..have never really died. Don't you stop trying either, LOVE YA
How is my first day? Its started with this site, so I started on a hopeful note. Yes, I am on of the biggest Pot heads I know..I am now quite mature..in my late 50's.(look about 10-15 yrs younger than I am)..due too my genes and being a stoner by my late 20's..I avoided the sun and stayed stoned and at times very depressed. The worst was in my 30's and 40's..where I supported my family..while my husband fell apart on me and obsessed with me and our son. Not realizing my oun power and choices, I at that time truely felt I was trapped..ALWAYS SMOKING..
Since 1991 when I first got into treatment thur my job..great programs..that worked for a while..but my co-dp issues w/my husband..were too far and deep for me to stay focused on recovery..
I lost a full term baby while smoking..and my husband gave up supporting the family. A year later our son was born and my husband has never let my son go...and I didn't know I would do a I wanted..I felt very depressed and sought counciling, meds, alot programs..
My shame and guilt just buried me for years..all the while the seeds of recovery were planted.
I get very emotional when I first stop smoking..I am now at this site to remind myself of the true of life on life's terms..to grow up by taking personal responsibility for my choices.. I will never gave up..I felt very sad and teary before sitting down to this tonight...
My boyfriend is out in the cold..He is frustraded by no being able to be placed in a treatment program..from the 15 clean in detox and 10 program..so I got on-line and got alot of numbers for him to call. He did call many..while he came to visit me today.
He is afraid of the rules and restrictions..guess he is not desperate enough..He is afraid of many things..but you guys want to know how I am, not about him..
I am very emotional about him....and want to cry about it..its sad...
but I always want to or feel meloncaly when I don't have weed to made me "better".
I have been using so little weed that it helps..when I don't have any..the going crazy feeling is not as intense..as when I had alot to smoke. I no that I will feel sad. I do feel sad..very very sad..all the addicts around me are people I love. All my children are addicts and it brokes my heart. But I need to focus on the positives..the HOPE that recovery can and will being if I do whats suggested..IF I choice the right choices, IF I share my feelings and feel the love from all of you..
Its okay to cry...and be sad..as long as I don't over react..like I usually do..please help me not give in to the strong emotions..I just have to keep talking to you guys and I will be okay and get thur this..
they say its okay to cry..god let me feel your presense and know that I will be okay..I will get off for a few..will problably be back soon for its helps so much to have this forum..anyway..I am an old lady, young at heart, and still trying to get it right and the seeds planted long ago..have never really died. Don't you stop trying either, LOVE YA
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 101
a lot of time children follow in their parents footsteps so watching you try to get clean and sober may be a turning point for one of your kids. it was for me. my mom wasn't necessarily an addict, just lots of co-dependency and anger issues. i grew up to be the same way. a few years ago she got tired of it all and began an inner change that turned her into a beautiful person. watching her and having that 'model' of life to look at encouraged me. don't beat yourself up over the past because that is just what it is, the past. That is what God is here for. Forgiveness and strength to learn and move on. i understand you can't forget about it, but it doesn't make you a bad person. as for your bf, its hard to watch someone you love feel emotional turmoil and know that you can't do anything about it. with my husband, i don't deal with it the best way and i feel like i push him further into a depressed state. part of the reason i wanted to quit smoking. the effects it has on my mental outlook and ability to handle certain situations left my relationships with people in pieces.
it's okay to love people even if they are all addicts. love is what makes people good people. i can only imagine knowing your children and friends are all addicts. it sound like a tough spot you are in. keep trying, keep beleiving for more. you can have anything you want. sobriety and recovery are not just a dream or something you want that you can't have. it's yours if you want it. you know that; that is why you are here. you aren't smoking and thinking 'this is all okay', you want a better life for yourself and those you care about. you want a healthy mind. you can have that. Pray. pray everyday. pray for guidance, strength to resist temptation, grace, patience, and peace. you can also have all of these things. there are no boundaries to having the things that will make you a happier person. you can do it and so can I. We are both loved, if anything else by each other. i am on my 3rd full day of not smoking. you are now on your second. we have a lot to be thankful for. hope your day is going great and i hope to talk to you soon.
it's okay to love people even if they are all addicts. love is what makes people good people. i can only imagine knowing your children and friends are all addicts. it sound like a tough spot you are in. keep trying, keep beleiving for more. you can have anything you want. sobriety and recovery are not just a dream or something you want that you can't have. it's yours if you want it. you know that; that is why you are here. you aren't smoking and thinking 'this is all okay', you want a better life for yourself and those you care about. you want a healthy mind. you can have that. Pray. pray everyday. pray for guidance, strength to resist temptation, grace, patience, and peace. you can also have all of these things. there are no boundaries to having the things that will make you a happier person. you can do it and so can I. We are both loved, if anything else by each other. i am on my 3rd full day of not smoking. you are now on your second. we have a lot to be thankful for. hope your day is going great and i hope to talk to you soon.
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