SomeDude3

I'm struggling to figure out how to handle my situation, and this seems like it might be the place to ask.

My father has been an alcoholic since long before I was born. He's been on a downward spiral for a long time - mostly since my parents divorced when I was around 8 (I'm 25 now).

He lost his houses when he couldn't pay his mortgages while in jail for long periods at a time for DUIs without a license, presumably among other things. Ever since then he's been bouncing from place to place staying with people. He's been out of state for a while, and thus as out of mind as he can be, all things considered. Most recently he was staying with his sister, and they got along well because she's an alcoholic as well.

Now she's decided to move back in with her ex-husband, thus he's looking for a place to stay. I told him that I'd love to have him stay with me if he was sober and working, but that I could't handle his drinking. It sounds like he either misinterpreted that or is just trying to stay with me anyway, because he's convinced that he's going to stay with me while on the waiting list for a rehab program, go through the rehab, and then come to stay with me afterwards.

I really don't want him to stay with me, but I don't want him to be homeless, either. I can't tell whether my wanting him to not stay with me comes from selfishness or wisdom. I'm financially independent, I live alone, and I've worked hard to get to where I am. I'm sure that if I let him stay with me, even only temporarily, it would be a very bad situation, in some ways that I can foresee, and likely in other ways that I haven't even thought of yet.

I want to help him however I can, but in this situation I can't tell the difference between helping and enabling. I know that if he becomes homeless, then it's his fault and the consequences of his own actions, but that doesn't change the fact that whether or not he becomes homeless depends entirely upon whether I hold my ground and tell him that he can't stay with me.

What should I do? Should I let him stay with me? If I do so, would that be helping or enabling? If I don't do so, how else could I help?

Are there shelters, halfway houses, etc that allow somebody to work and do various chores to stay indefinitely without monetary charge in exchange for food and a place to stay? I know that the rehab facility that he's trying to apply for allows that, but I don't know how to find shelters like that, or even what that's called in order to google search for any in my area.

involved

If you let him in and it doesnt work out, will you be able to ask him to leave? And if you have to ask him to leave will it be harder than saying no to him now?

SomeDude3

I honestly don't know. I imagine he'd probably leave, but the fact that him leaving would make him homeless would probably make him reluctant. I don't want to have to go through court to get him evicted.

I think they'd both be equally difficult.....

Fleonard36

From what you've revealed I'd say the "Tough-Love" path is appropriate. Tell him "No'. Don't offer any excuse. Tell him to get relieve from civic services and send you his new mail address. Yes! It's tough.
Floyd.

Catherine628

You could contact your local social service agency and ask for a list of area shelters. If you called the shelters they can give you info on their waiting lists and requirements.

You could probably just Google homeless shelters plus the name of your county.

This way you dont have to feel like you are the only option. I know some amazingly resourceful alcoholics. Saying no to your dad might force him to find his own solution.

Good luck.

Mango blast

I agree that tough love would be the way to go. The three C's are very true: you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Good ideas above on finding info. Have you talked to anyone at the Salvation Army? Not your job to fix things for him, but I'm all for supplying resources. Whether he follows through would be up to him.

Detoxing and rehab are just the start. I've been married for 27 years and the majority has been very good. My husband is about 80 days sober now and went through a 28 day rehab. Recovery is long and hard and tests even the best of relationships. Many days I wish I could just walk away for a week or two ...or 10 or 20. I'm working my own recovery program or I probably wouldn't make it through this.

In case your father does make it to rehab, here's some info on PAWS - post acute withdrawal syndrome
PAWS | Digital Dharma
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...periences.html

FeelingGreat

Hi SomeDude, you did make yourself clear at the beginning, that he would need to be sober and working. Chances are he didn't 'hear' that bit, but remember A's are pretty good manipulators, and he may be counting on you not calling his bluff.
Would you consider explaining your original terms, sober and working, and saying that you're not sure how the misunderstanding happened, but that's the way it is?
If he can meet those terms, don't give him a free ride. Ask him to pay board according to his means, and make sure he contributes to cleaning etc. That's your best chance of building a good relationship with him.
It's a difficult situation and I hope you find a way to work it out.

SomeDude3

Thanks for all of the helpful posts!

Apparently there's a 3-4 week waiting list for the rehab clinic that he's trying to get into, and he has to call in sober every day. I'm also debating whether I should let him merely sleep on my couch until he either gets in or gets rejected, and make it clear that he's on his own after that, or leave him on his own entirely, both before and after rehab. Thoughts?

amy55

Did you call the Salvation Army. They have long-term stays. They are required to do some work there, but they have a place to stay and food to eat.

It seems to me that your dad has been couch surfing most of the time that he has not been in jail. Once he sets up residency in your house you may have a tough time getting him out. Was he actually working or trying to make a living in his previous couch surfings? Not trying to be harsh here, but you have your life ahead of you, and I don't think you really want to deal with this.

Let him get sober on his on, then if he wants to be part of your life, then fine. Just don't give up your life, your future, your happiness to help him.

I think if you let him in, you will not be able to get him out, but JMHO.

amy55

Another thing to think about. He moves in with you. It sets up your place as his residence. Do you know how hard it is to get someone out then. You have to have them served with an eviction notice, they still have 30 days or so. Sometimes when you get in that situation, it might just be easier to break your lease, and you move out.

This is something that you may have to deal with if you let him move in.

choublak

Don't.

Hawkeye13

I have to agree with others.

His "misinterpretation" sounds an awful lot like manipulation I'm afraid.

Recovering2

You're 25, and sounds like your Dad has been living this life since before you were born. It may or may not change now. Is rehab a true desire, or is it an out for the moment to get in good with you? Why is he only looking into rehab now? Sounds like he had time to get that in order while he was living with his sister.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you have to be very cautious with an A. If he truly wants recovery, he's going to make it work with or without your help. You don't need to look up shelters, HE does. If this was a "normie" situation, and someone just needed help for a few weeks, you could handle things very differently. But unfortunately, when dealing with an A, you have to be very careful with "help". Your gut is already telling you he
'misinterpreted" your boundaries, that should be a red flag.
I know he's your Dad, and that makes it hard. But sometimes the best thing we can do for the A in our lives is let them figure it out for themselves and get. out. of. the. way.

If you do let him stay, be prepared for him to not respect your boundaries. Know that if it doesn't work out, he may not leave. Go into this with your eyes open.

Mountainmanbob

the answer seems to be pretty simple
tell your father he is welcome to stay each day
in which he has not drank on that day

any day in which he choses to drink
he needs to
spend the day and night out somewhere -- other than your house

MB

velma929

Some years ago, a situation came up in which a relative was looking to move from one part of the country to another, and perhaps stay with late husband and me. We suspected drinking might be part of her issues.

I checked around, and presented the option of relative staying at the (somewhat local) YWCA. It's not as bleak as it sounds, or at least this one wasn't. Furthermore, the Y was in the city. If Relative was to find work, she'd find the city more of a target rich environment. There is public transportation there, and since she had no car, being there would make it easier to get to and from work. The Y was a substance-free facility, but she'd have been able to come and go as she pleased. There was no curfew. This would have relieved us of the urge to ask, "Did you look for a job?" "Did you get to work on time?" "I've got the car running. Are you dressed and ready to go to work?" I knew, if it came down to living with us, there would be one excuse after another, and we'd end up parenting someone who needed to work on managing her life without someone policing her.

If you had to fund his stay at the Y or Salvation Army, it might cost less than having him live with you, at least emotionally.

NWGRITS

If you have any reservations about this (and you have quite a few, it seems), don't do it. Your gut is a powerful tool, and I think it's telling you what you already know. Have you posted in the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum yet? We're more fun than a barrel of monkeys over there.

theuncertainty

I think you should read the first part of your sentence here:

The 2nd part of the sentence is kind of future-tripping. You don't *know* he'll be homeless. He *might* but it's possible that once he knew your place wasn't an option to use as a crash pad he might actually put in the work to find a room/bed/couch on his own. He found a way and a place in the past...

When I left AXH, I'd paid the rent on 'our' apartment out beyond when I left. After that ran out, AXH tried to tell me he couldn't afford to keep it on his own. He'd just sleep on the couch. He couldn't go anywhere else, his friends were all into drinking or using and he just couldn't be there.

He was usually drunk when he'd ask, so it was clear why I needed to say no. I was still terrified that I'd be reading about his death in the papers by spring. I read the stories looking for him in the description. (Winters here are so hard on the homeless camps he said he'd end up in.) I didn't let him move in to my place. He didn't end up on the streets. He found couches to crash on. Then he found another girl to take him in and moved in with her the same month they met.

There was a chance. But he's an adult. He had choices to make and he made them as he was able.

The decision is yours, but you don't need to make it based on something that may not happen.
Best wishes.

ukiah77

My dad is an A too, and there is no way I would ever want him to live with me! I love him dearly and I would want to do anything I could to help him, but the thought of him in my house, actively drinking, is frightening to say the least. I agree with others who say once he lives with you, it's going to be extremely difficult to get him out. Sounds like your gut feeling is that it is a bad idea for him to move in with you, that could do a lot of damage to your relationship with him, especially if you had to get a court order to evict him and he then became homeless. His current state of affairs is of his own doing, please don't feel obligated to fix his problems. I know he's your father, but you sound like you've worked very hard to be where you are today. It would be very hard for me to not take my father in, but I would know nothing good would come of it. And I'd wonder if waiting for a spot in rehab would ever really happen or if it's just quacking to buy time. Good luck to you, follow your gut feeling.

53500

I asked a somewhat similar question about having a friend stay with me. He has an alcoholic gf so it's not even he who is the drinker. I feel bad for him but also had that gut-uneasy feeling about letting him stay.

The advice I got here, and am taking, is NO. My friend has other options. He does not like them much but they are there. My uneasy feeling was the fear the AGF, and the craziness she brings, would come to my house even though I knew he'd swear up and down that would not happen.

You clearly have that uneasy feeling about living with your dad. You should probably listen to it. You think your dad will destroy your peace? He will, for sure, if he lives with you and drinks. I see it third-hand and even that is stressful.

Good luck to you. It's a very hard position to be in but you're not responsible for your dad being in this situation.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm sorry your alcoholic has put this pressure on you. Alcoholics are good at putting pressure and guilt on anyone and everyone that can help them continue in their addiction. They are master manipulators.

Have you spoken to this rehab with a waiting list? Do you have confirmation of his pre approved status with this rehab? I think this rehab story is bullshat. A rehab with a waiting list that requires him to call in sober everyday. Really? What kind of proof is a phone call?

My alcoholic would call me and claim he was sober. I believed him. I believed him when he said he was tired or medicated with Nyquil if I thought he was slurring.

Alcoholics lie. If you allow him into your home under the condition of sobriety and working, what happens when you come home and smell alcohol on his breath? Do you think an alcoholic will tell the truth when faced with being kicked out?

I don't.