Honshine

I've been reading post on this site foer some time now so I'm finally posting my experience with my (possibly ex) alcoholic boyfriend of three years who I do love very much despite his drinking and out of control behaviour. I'm okay so far. I don't really know what's going on he like to dance around absolutes. More than likely to give himself a loophole. We have two. He runs off all the time. Just takes off for days and I was so in love with him. I don't generally fall for people easily and he completely just swept me off my feet somehow. I miss that side of him even though I know he's probably withered inside of a dark disease and ill probably never see that part of him again. I know its not my fault. I know I can't control or alter addiction. I did want to help him. And I would have stuck by him through thick and thin because in my opinion that's what love is supposed to be. But there are two sides to him and deep down I always wanted to just see the good side win and love triumph like in the movies. He was so wonderful but at the same time that other side of him is so... cruel and uncaring. Its hard to grasp that the person that wanted to be with me so badly can just so easily cast me aside. I can't say that I don't really understand it becaause I do to a degree. When u want something so bad and ur mind needs it to just feel at ease u will crush anything in ur path to get it. That's how I feel about him. So I imagine that's how he feels about alcohol. I've been through so much with him and I've always been patient (not always when I first started noticing his behaviour problems) loving forgiving and kind. I really do love him with all my heart. And I thought he did too. But I will never be more important than alcohol to him. He did go to treatment because he.. has bouts of seeing what he's done but it seems like its just made him worse all in all. I try not to enable him but his family are all the same way save for his dad who was the root of it all and he's been sober for 27 years. But in his wake he created the exact same aspect in his son. Its a sad situation. And its been... about two weeks of me trying to just let him go but I'm not sure I can completely. I'm hurt. I try to not show it but he's back and forth all the time. He doesn't want to be with me. He does want to be with me he loves me. He doesn't know etc etc... he wants me to give him all the answers and... I can't so I'm at a loss. He wont stop drinking for me though that's clear. He's tried many times when I still meant something to him but I think I've witnessed the progression of his sickness and in self preservation the addiction has frozen me out from him. I wish I knew if he cared. I can't tell what's what with him anymore. I'm heartbroken.

Honshine

Two babies**

Stung

It sounds like you're still riding the roller coaster that comes with an active alcoholic. But you're the only one that remove yourself from the ride and doing so is very difficult.

Sending you hugs. Once you get some space and a little bit of time passes things will get easier for you.

Honshine

I guess I am. I'm doing my best to 'detach' from it but he's sooooo..... ignorant!! I just don't understand. It makes zero sense to me. Either you want to be with me or you don't its not a difficult concept but he's always like Idk Idk I need to think about it. (While he boozes it up) its like... treatment gave him another out. Now he just seems like oh he's an alcoholic he can't help it. I've done alot of things the wrong way don't get me wrong I was/am hardcore classic codependent. I've been trying to break out of it but now I'm concerned with... wtf happened?? I know he's a big boy and doesn't need me and I don't need him but wtf happened that he is so bitter and uncaring. He hasn't even bothered to see his kids which I know he loves and all so its not just me. He seeks out those who enable him BAAAAD and when I finally get him to talk its just... it is its a freakin rollarcoaster "I've missed you too" "I do love you" "letting you go might be the biggest mistake of my life" "Idk what to do" "what do you think we should do" "I just want you to be happy" "should we try again" "Idk why I do this" "what do iyou want to do"

Honshine

Its insane. I can't make heads or tails if I matter to him or not. I know I don't matter more than the bottle and that's no life to live but... is he really just... gone?? Is there no part of him left in there that I can actually recognize? That's the source of my short circuit at the moment

Live

Honshine...that on and off again thing wore all of me down to the nub.

I have to be with a mate that loves me the same all days and with whom we can make plans to do things in the future and know that they will go on as planned.

FeelingGreat

Hi Honshine, so sorry you're going through this, but SR is a great forum for support and to hear from others who are going through the same thing, or have it in their past.
It sounds like your ABF is still in the grip of active addiction. I'm sure some part of him loves you and your babies, but the addiction will always come first unless he commits himself to recovery. Even if he did that tomorrow it's still a long process where the addict has to concentrate on themselves.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your babies is take the focus off him, and put it back on you. How can you create a secure situation for yourself? What support can you find in the form of social services or counselling? Maybe your family lives nearby? Is your accommodation secure?
A good start might be to contact Al-anon and start going to meetings where you will find lots of support from people who have lived with addicts.
All the best.

Honshine

Not really. We just bought a house far from my family and I made the mistake of moving too close to his because he was doing so good I didn't even think about it at the time. He got worse after we moved. Now I'm practically by myself alot with 3 kids and no help.

Honshine

I just want him to go back to realizing what's happening. I could work with that but now its like the addiction has completely frozen me out in self preservation or something. And he.. acts like he's just ready to get rid of me but on the other hand it seems like he's having inner conflict about it. Sooooo....
Maybe its just whimsical thinking Idk.

honeypig

Welcome to SR, honshine. Glad you found your way here. You said you've been reading posts here for some time. Have you been able to take some time to read the stickies at the top of the page also to educate yourself about alcoholism? It sounds as if you expect some sort of rational thought from your actively drinking A, and that is just not going to happen. (Not that we haven't all been where you are and had that same thought, ourselves!) It also sounds as if you're letting him have a lot of power in the relationship, waiting on his decisions about things rather than making your own, and so you're getting jerked back and forth by him, which is very tough on you.

In Alanon, they talk about the 3 C's--you didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Whether we like to admit it or not, that is indeed the case, and it's actually rather freeing to realize that. The only person we can control is ourself, so that's where the work needs to be done.

As you learn more about alcoholism and how it's a progressive disease, you'll come to understand why your A has just "withered" and you don't see the same person you once knew. The addiction is slowly consuming him, and it's so very painful to have a front-row seat for this process. Saddest of all is that, however much you love him, you cannot love him into recovery. If that was the case, this site wouldn't exist. Only he can make the decision to get help and get sober, and it surely doesn't sound like he's interested right now.

I'd like to second the recommendation for Alanon. You'll find a lot of information about alcoholism there as well as a listening ear and a friendly hand for you. SR is a great community, but it's a good idea to have some real-world support also. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Please, do your best to take care of yourself and your children. Wishing you strength and clarity as you move forward.

Honshine

Yes. I know way more about alcoholism than most counselors at this point. I've read the codependent no more book 3 times and... ya know... I'm really just... needing to let it go at this point. Even if he and I ever do make it it can't be under these circumstances. I just always that he was different and... that I could talk to him like Idk... lol normal people do. But I guess that's my slip. I've unintentionally fed the fire many times before I realized what I was doing. It just sucks it has to be this way. Mayhaps something can be reborn from the ashes after reality catches up to him. Which... it has to at some point I would think. I just can't figure out for the life of me why I continue to hang on his every word. And he has alot of power because basically if I have any say opinion at all I'm controlling and he doesn't want to be around me. :/ its really... Idk... I want it to work out and I want him to be sober and I want us to move past this but like u said... can love them into recovery. I need to let go because he's killing me inside but I haven't quite figured out how to do that. I give myself pep talks every day that he's gone and the addiction wont give him back. So I'm working on it. Its just trying to break the cycle and fear of losing him completely (even tho he's not in there atm) that tugs on me. Its not me tho... and he will never be happy no matter what he does because he will always dig himself a hole with a bottle. So i guess he can't blame me if I'm not there anymore. Hopefully he regrets it one day.

Honshine

Oh and thank u so much for the welcoming everyone its nice to just talk about it to people who understand rather than people that look at u like ur nuts

suncatcher

Hi honshine. Welcome to SR. I was in your shoes for many years and can relate to how you must be feeling right now. The only thing that helped me was putting distance between my A and myself. I moved an hour away, read a lot of self help and was on SR a lot reading and posting. My A is still in the picture but I am not giving him the power anymore. I take care of me now and just see him as a friend who I will always care about. Best advice I can offer is focus on him less and you more.

FeelingGreat

Honshine, if you have a look around some of the posts you'll see that many As blame their partners for their drinking. The As move away and, big surprise, keep on drinking!
Your A is calling you 'controlling' because he can't let anything get between himself and his addiction, especially you. ATM he's able to drink much more freely and unless he enters recovery he's probably going to get worse, and he won't let anyone interfere with this.
Keep trying to focus on yourself and the kids, and build up a support network for yourself.

Seren

Hello honshine, Welcome!

I can feel the pain and confusion in your words...most of us here know that feeling all too well.

If I could provide you with the exact right thing to say to your boyfriend to get him to stop drinking, to understand what he is doing to himself and those who love him I would, but I those words don't exist.

In a way, his back and forth with the "I love you" and the "I don't know if I love you" is a form of emotional abuse. He may be behaving this way because he is such a damaged person himself. But IMHO, that is no excuse for treating people badly.

You have the power in your own hands to accept his treatment of you, or not. I hope that someday you will come to believe that you deserve much better treatment.

Honshine

I agree. I guess its denial I'm struggling with because... its weird to me. There are points where he's like... he sees it (I believe) and he cares and he talks about it and tries to fix it. Its gotten fewer and farther in-between though. Then the alcoholism takes over and he's a completely different person. Which is common. I just always assumed since he want COMPLETELY ignorant about it (at the time) and that he actually made some form of effort against it the him I knew would pull through. But then after the over confidence faded he got dry drunk bad the the alcoholism kicked in again. He really seems like a werewolf to me. I don't think he does alot (not all but alot) of his craziness on purpose or with bad intention. I think once it hits him he is completely out of control of himself and doesn't even realize the reality of what he's doing. I believe he does love me but after so long of frying to get him to fight this (my mistake I admit) its built up some pretty sturdy defenses. He's losing functionality and blows money he doesn't even have. I'm good. I have a way out if I need it so I'm not stuck or anything all in all. He's only 26 and has worked so hard to get to this point and now he's letting it collapse. UNLESS he knows I'm always going to be here and will bail him out which I'm NOT at all. I will love him and ill help him if he makes an effort but to leave me here alone with three children so he can blow his tax money on ********? I really don't think, even if he is projecting his unhappiness on us and just willing to cut us loose in the name of 'freedom', he can keep running from reality the way he is. With everything he puts off I'm pretty sure it will hit him like a rogue wave when it catches up. But I could be wrong. He has alot of enablers his mother being the number one. Which is just sad because he's gotten so bad. And what really boggles me is he's doing the EXACT same thing his father did to her so why she encourages it I don't know other than the fact that's she kinda crazy now and is an alcoholic too I believe. My A is a stereotypical Indian no joke... stay aaawwwwaaaaay frombthe firewater plx >_<

Honshine

Forgive the typos..... :/ I hate touch screens so bad.