Do I tell the kids?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Do I tell the kids?
I have been reading so much on here and it is very helpful. The quaking threads - so validating!
This week has been tough but I feel like I am done, just done with the marriage. I don't think he will stop drinking and I really don't want him back even if he does. There was a thread that was really helpful about seeing someone as two different people when really it's the same person.
Monday he was supposed to pick up our daughter from an activity. I begged him to tell me if he'd been drinking...he of course said no. I suspected he had based on his voice but told him to come here first so I could make sure (breathalyzer)..he didn't. He went and got her and when they got here I could smell it on him and he blew a .03. Still adamantly denied it! I was crushed. I can't trust him to even help with the kids. Today he tells me he bought a breathalyzer and did it that night after leaving and took a picture of it at .00...what an $&@! First of all he must have bought it so he knows when to not come here (I have told him that he can't come see kids after drinking and counselor suggested this as a way to know). Second, he just says this today and the picture could have been from anytime. I wonder does he believe his lies or think I'm an idiot.
Anyway, what I am really struggling with is whether to tell the kids about his drinking. They are 13 and 10. They do not know, although my daughter may suspect. I am wondering if not knowing the reason behind the separation makes it worse. They certainly know we argued and they were not seeing a happy marriage. My son is struggling (he's the 10 year old) and wants to know when dad will be back, talks about living with him, etc... In reality that's not an option, him picking them up isnt even an option. Would it help if they knew why or will that make them stress and worry more? They'd be devastated and I'm concerned it would make my daughter worry too much. They have had a lot of loss and she worries about losing us as it is.
Any thoughts on this?
This week has been tough but I feel like I am done, just done with the marriage. I don't think he will stop drinking and I really don't want him back even if he does. There was a thread that was really helpful about seeing someone as two different people when really it's the same person.
Monday he was supposed to pick up our daughter from an activity. I begged him to tell me if he'd been drinking...he of course said no. I suspected he had based on his voice but told him to come here first so I could make sure (breathalyzer)..he didn't. He went and got her and when they got here I could smell it on him and he blew a .03. Still adamantly denied it! I was crushed. I can't trust him to even help with the kids. Today he tells me he bought a breathalyzer and did it that night after leaving and took a picture of it at .00...what an $&@! First of all he must have bought it so he knows when to not come here (I have told him that he can't come see kids after drinking and counselor suggested this as a way to know). Second, he just says this today and the picture could have been from anytime. I wonder does he believe his lies or think I'm an idiot.
Anyway, what I am really struggling with is whether to tell the kids about his drinking. They are 13 and 10. They do not know, although my daughter may suspect. I am wondering if not knowing the reason behind the separation makes it worse. They certainly know we argued and they were not seeing a happy marriage. My son is struggling (he's the 10 year old) and wants to know when dad will be back, talks about living with him, etc... In reality that's not an option, him picking them up isnt even an option. Would it help if they knew why or will that make them stress and worry more? They'd be devastated and I'm concerned it would make my daughter worry too much. They have had a lot of loss and she worries about losing us as it is.
Any thoughts on this?
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I think they are probably old enough to realise something is amiss with his drinking anyway. I told mine I was unwell and drink made me ill and weird unlike other people. That was after I got better xxxxx
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I did Open and Honest.
And the two oldest kids (now 11 and 9) have both been to Alateen.
You know about Alateen for the kids? And Alanon for you? Alateen was a BIG help for the kids, and Alanon was/is Great for me.
Got the "Open and Honest" part not so much from Alanon, but NAMI. But Mrs. Hammer's stuff goes deeper than just Alcohol, per se. Prior Drugs, Cutting, Eating Disorder -- classic Mental Illness / Personality Disorder type stuff.
=============
THE TRUTH BOUNDARY
The Well Spouse must categorically refuse to hide the illness from children, extended family and friends. Only if the MIS is working is there justification for hiding the illness, and then only from work colleagues. Not telling creates enormous isolation. Not telling and talking creates enormous confusion for children. Not telling and talking prevents education. Not telling and talking prevents development of good coping skills. No Family Secrets! No Stigma! This is a biological brain disorder. It is an Illness, like any other.
========
Full doc, here >>> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
And the two oldest kids (now 11 and 9) have both been to Alateen.
You know about Alateen for the kids? And Alanon for you? Alateen was a BIG help for the kids, and Alanon was/is Great for me.
Got the "Open and Honest" part not so much from Alanon, but NAMI. But Mrs. Hammer's stuff goes deeper than just Alcohol, per se. Prior Drugs, Cutting, Eating Disorder -- classic Mental Illness / Personality Disorder type stuff.
=============
THE TRUTH BOUNDARY
The Well Spouse must categorically refuse to hide the illness from children, extended family and friends. Only if the MIS is working is there justification for hiding the illness, and then only from work colleagues. Not telling creates enormous isolation. Not telling and talking creates enormous confusion for children. Not telling and talking prevents education. Not telling and talking prevents development of good coping skills. No Family Secrets! No Stigma! This is a biological brain disorder. It is an Illness, like any other.
========
Full doc, here >>> http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-illness.html
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Trust me--the children already know. They know much more than you think they do. We parents are notorious for minimizing the awareness of children---as well as minimizing the effects of addictions on them.
They may not have said much because they probably don't have the verbal skills, as yet, to articulate the complicated feelings that are aroused.
I learned this stuff from raising three children.
dandylion
This reminds me of the old joke:
Dad to 12yr. old: "Son, we need to talk about sex."
12yr. old to Dad: "Sure, Dad--what do you want to know?"
They may not have said much because they probably don't have the verbal skills, as yet, to articulate the complicated feelings that are aroused.
I learned this stuff from raising three children.
dandylion
This reminds me of the old joke:
Dad to 12yr. old: "Son, we need to talk about sex."
12yr. old to Dad: "Sure, Dad--what do you want to know?"
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
As an adult child of an alcoholic, I can tell you that no matter how devastating it seems, the truth is way less scary to handle than the stuff they will make up in their heads.
Plus, I don't understand how people expect their kids to handle these situations if they don't even know what the problem truly is, you know? I know that I can try to problem-solve all day long but if I'm given misinformation I will never be able to find the right answer.
Don't get me wrong, I realize a toddler doesn't have the same ability to understand what your 10-yr old can, so there's definitely age- appropriateness to factor in, along with any kind of emotional or physical special needs on an individual kid level, but across the board I think it helps them to know (& understand) the truth. I think educating them on addiction appropriately is a win-win.
Welcome to SR!
Plus, I don't understand how people expect their kids to handle these situations if they don't even know what the problem truly is, you know? I know that I can try to problem-solve all day long but if I'm given misinformation I will never be able to find the right answer.
Don't get me wrong, I realize a toddler doesn't have the same ability to understand what your 10-yr old can, so there's definitely age- appropriateness to factor in, along with any kind of emotional or physical special needs on an individual kid level, but across the board I think it helps them to know (& understand) the truth. I think educating them on addiction appropriately is a win-win.
Welcome to SR!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I told my kids, ages 5 and 9, about their father's drinking. We are separated and he is all over the place with his addiction. Sometimes keeping in contact, other times he's deep in the bottle. My oldest works with a private counselor and her school counselor.
I make sure they both know dad has alcoholism and we can't make him better. I tell them we have to give him time to get healthy. It's up to him to get himself healthy and its up to us to keep ourselves healthy.
I feel its better for my kids to know about alcoholism. They know I will always be here for them. They also know dad isn't a bad guy he just has a horrible disease and its safer for us to live apart.
I make sure they both know dad has alcoholism and we can't make him better. I tell them we have to give him time to get healthy. It's up to him to get himself healthy and its up to us to keep ourselves healthy.
I feel its better for my kids to know about alcoholism. They know I will always be here for them. They also know dad isn't a bad guy he just has a horrible disease and its safer for us to live apart.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
just from (observing) and (listening)
Originally Posted by Chelsea1029 
They are 13 and 10. They do not know, although my daughter may suspect.
as we remember back when we were young
my Mom went to tell me something when I was around 12
yes - the big family secret
I told her that I already knew - had known since I was around 4 years old
and no one had to tell me back then either
for I knew what was going on just from (observing) and (listening)
Mountainman
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mountainmanbob----this is sooo very true!!! They are sponges that absorb everything in the environment. We are so nieve to think that we can hide stuff from kids.
I, also, knew a "deep family secret" from about 3-4yrs. old that my mother decided to tell me about at 16yrs. She seem very shocked that I had known all along.
dandylion
I, also, knew a "deep family secret" from about 3-4yrs. old that my mother decided to tell me about at 16yrs. She seem very shocked that I had known all along.
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by dandylion
I, also, knew a "deep family secret" from about 3-4yrs. old that my mother decided to tell me about at 16yrs. She seem very shocked that I had known all along.
dandylion
exactly my mother demanded that I tell her who had told me that I told her that I had known all by myself
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by dandylion
Trust me--the children already know.
("cut" is slang term for Self-Injury)
Actually I never did, as the topic never even came up. I poked around to find out what had really happened.
Truth was Mrs. Hammer had been running around with the AA Gossip Girls talking about her cutting . . . . in front of our daughter. Daughter takes notes on EVERYTHING she hears. She came back and pulled all the Self-Injury books off of Mrs. Hammer's book shelves (Mrs. Hammer had done further study work on the topic as part of her Social Work Grad School), and Daughter did her own further Self-Education of Mrs. Hammer.
Oh well. Mrs. Hammer has a Big Mouth, there.
Not. Hammer's. Problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
13 & 10 - why NOT tell them?
My husband told our daughter (10) after attending IP Rehab. He has talked to our son about his brain, but not the drinking in detail yet. Husband's counselor says 10 is a good age to start educating about alcohol, especially if your children are at higher risk than average (which they are).
Hazelden has some good resources. Someone on this site recommended My Daddy loves me, my daddy has a disease-it looked good to me. I liked what I saw in the preview on Amazon, and although I didn't buy the book, it helped me with ideas of how to approach things.
My husband told our daughter (10) after attending IP Rehab. He has talked to our son about his brain, but not the drinking in detail yet. Husband's counselor says 10 is a good age to start educating about alcohol, especially if your children are at higher risk than average (which they are).
Hazelden has some good resources. Someone on this site recommended My Daddy loves me, my daddy has a disease-it looked good to me. I liked what I saw in the preview on Amazon, and although I didn't buy the book, it helped me with ideas of how to approach things.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
I read once that a 1 year old infant can smell the difference between alcohol and not alcohol, and learns to recognize a family member by that alcohol smell.
I believe it because it was in a textbook, and although I did once have a one year old who was exposed to that situation, I did not feel the need to subject him to psychological testing, so I cannot absolutely verify the accuracy of that statement.
However, I choose to believe it, because it makes sense. Devastating that it starts so early.
Your kids already know-I agree with the others who said that. Maybe you don't have to tell them anything-just ask if they have questions, and go by what they say. Chances are, they want to say something to you too, and are also worried about it. So helping them by answering their questions will also help you because you explained things in a way that they would understand.
Does that make sense? It looks funky to me.
I believe it because it was in a textbook, and although I did once have a one year old who was exposed to that situation, I did not feel the need to subject him to psychological testing, so I cannot absolutely verify the accuracy of that statement.
However, I choose to believe it, because it makes sense. Devastating that it starts so early.
Your kids already know-I agree with the others who said that. Maybe you don't have to tell them anything-just ask if they have questions, and go by what they say. Chances are, they want to say something to you too, and are also worried about it. So helping them by answering their questions will also help you because you explained things in a way that they would understand.
Does that make sense? It looks funky to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
The reasons I was reluctant - they are both worriers - we have lost several people close to us and they worry about death. They have both learned about the dangers of drugs/alcohol so I think this will be very difficult for them. I am also concerned they will think " he doesn't love us enough to stop" I know that requires educatiom on addiction but Its still hard for me and I'm an adult.
The other reason which I know is ridiculous, is that I have always wants to shield the/protect them from all rotten things, wanted them to have an ideal childhood....
Lastly- I worry he'll deny to them when they ask and that will make it very difficult for them...wanting to believe him and trying to figure out who to trust
Thanks again - I know it needs to be done.
The other reason which I know is ridiculous, is that I have always wants to shield the/protect them from all rotten things, wanted them to have an ideal childhood....
Lastly- I worry he'll deny to them when they ask and that will make it very difficult for them...wanting to believe him and trying to figure out who to trust
Thanks again - I know it needs to be done.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Looking back, I did some YouTube videos that were pretty helpful to our daughter.
Not any particular to recommend -- you should maybe shop through some and see what may fit your kids, if any.
One of the best (for our daughter, in relation to mom) was a "Demise of Amy Winehouse" sort of Montage -- (the downside) back-to-back with a Video series of a High School to College to After of a girl -> woman who recovered (the hope). Seemed to give our daughter a sense of the risk and the range, and sort of a certainty that LOTS of other folks go through this, and there was/is nothing daughter could/could not do to fix this.
Not any particular to recommend -- you should maybe shop through some and see what may fit your kids, if any.
One of the best (for our daughter, in relation to mom) was a "Demise of Amy Winehouse" sort of Montage -- (the downside) back-to-back with a Video series of a High School to College to After of a girl -> woman who recovered (the hope). Seemed to give our daughter a sense of the risk and the range, and sort of a certainty that LOTS of other folks go through this, and there was/is nothing daughter could/could not do to fix this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 276
I was honest with my kids- and also told them not to get in the car with my spouse. If they were pressured, blame it on me and wait for me to come get them. "I'm sorry; mom won't let me. She's on her way to pick me up." You have to keep them safe! It's the most important thing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
You mention that your kids are worriers. So is my oldest. When we were living together before I told the kids about the alcoholism my daughter used to pick holes in her clothes, have trouble sleeping, always have physical compliants, go to the school nurse all the time, etc. She is SO much better now that she is in counseling. There were a lot of things she was afraid to bring up when I was busy covering it up.
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