NWGRITS

I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. They know. They know a lot. They may not quite understand how it all fits together, but they know. The mistake many parents make is trying to minimize or even hide the addiction from the children. That isn't healthy at all. Open and honest and a therapist who specializes in families with addiction problems.

Chelsea1029

Catherine628 - that's a really good point. I hadn't thought about it that way and I could see where they'd be reluctant to talk if the unspoken rule is we pretend everything is fine and don't discuss it...and keeping it all on doesn't help I have finally realized that for myself.
I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown - never having told a single person what was going on, which means no support and living a lie essentially.
I've been coming here to read whenever I start doubting myself or trying to figure out the lies...it's so helpful.
Thank you all....

Chelsea1029

I also grew up with an alcoholic parent and have a brother with addiction issues. I guess I saw my situation a little differently because my husband has never drank at home or appeared intoxicated in front of the children. He drinks in the morning, early afternoon so by the time he comes home it's usually him sleeping on the couch or us dealing with his irritable, argumentative mood.
On a side note...It's amazing to me how many people drink every day even if it is a two glasses of wine after work...it just seems so prevalent. I drank a lot in college (and a while after) and could see where alcohol could have been a problem for me so I don't drink at all. We have never had alcohol in our house. I never wanted that lifestyle for my children. Foolish me thinking I could control that. It's amazing how children of alcoholics end up with an alcoholic..

Hammer

geeezz.

Did we/I missing mentioning Alateen in this?

Do you know about Alateen?

Our kids thought it was great. Daughter went at 10, (now 11), and Cub Scout son not too long after he turned 9.

Really helps them KNOW they are not alone.

ReadyAtLast

I agree,honesty is important. I think it's especially important to tell them BECAUSE they are worriers. Who knows what's going on inside their heads that they maybe need to talk about it but daren't raise the subject with you.At their ages they will know. Talking about it and getting it out in the open may be a huge relief for them

redatlanta

I'm sure they already know I see nothing wrong with having a discussion about it.

I do believe though that there is a line that shouldn't be crossed with TMI - I have watched that happen and it isn't good. Details of how it affected the marriage I would forego (not at all saying you would but I have known of children being included in intimate details of the marriage that really was above their understanding, and not something they ever needed to know. Not talking about sex).

CodeJob

Chelsea,

If you are wise to alcoholism, you can see my husband's true partner sitting beside my A in every picture - closer than me! It is tough to tell the kids. What really motivated me to start talking to my DS was all the DARE education in his elementary school, the realization it was there in our daily life and I was not addressing it openly to him, and my concern of the genetics of an addictive personality. I had heard of enough middle schoolers popping pills, sexually active, sexting, and drinking that I wanted my DS armed with the knowledge he might easily get hooked.

So if I remember right, one day I drove to a park after our usual errands and we just sat in the car and talked about it. He was 10. After that, we regularly touch base on the subject while we run errands. Now we talk about how RAH is doing. He is wackadoodle on occasion so I have most recently talked to DS about HALT. I also remind him I will take him back to counseling if he so desires, he can talk to me anytime, and about AlaTeen. My DS is nearing 13 now. As he enters years that he may pull away from me, I am grateful to have built this base earlier.

Peace and resolve to you in living and speaking the truth about alcoholism.

Chelsea1029

I will check alateen out.
My son is in DARE program right now and my daughter is learning more about drugs and alcohol in health. They were talking in the car and my daughter said "I'm never going to drink because alcoholism runs in the family" I asked who she was talking about and she said "your brother and father." We have never discussed this and she was 7 when my father died...so yeah they know more than I think!

On another note - I had no contact with my husband from Tues until yesterday and that was nice. When he came by yesterday I was right back to the high stress level. The denials...then when I mentioned talking to the kids, telling them the truth he said "you mean that you won't let me come back." No, no I mean the reason I won't let you come back. Ugh. So I'm dreading today's visit. His moods are crazy. He sent me a random text saying are you going to tell the kids you want a divorce (this has never been said)? Less than twenty minutes later he called to ask if I'd seen the grocery ads and if I needed anything to let him know he'd stop and get it?? It's all so draining.
Thanks everyone for letting me vent...

Chelsea1029

Code job - that is a good point as well...better now than when he is pulling away and surrounded by drug use. My daughter talked about a lot of drinking and drug use at the middle school. Thank goodness she finds it appalling still.

FireSprite

Everybody made some really great points, I just wanted to add that I too was surprised at how much DD9 knew about these things not just related to OUR lives, but in general conversation around the schoolyard. I realized that no matter how much I wanted to put her in a bubble, she was getting to exposed to these topics and eventually I could see the peer pressure element coming in the next couple of years once she hits middle school.

I hate it, but that's the reality of it. I am hoping that by opening up a 2-way dialogue now, we'll build enough trust between us on these topics that she will feel comfortable coming to me when she has questions or feels pressured. Or that she'll know enough to call BS when she sees it.

Good luck, this stuff is so difficult but it can also help you and them in the long run.

bluebelle

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic and addict. The hardest thing for me was that nobody in the family talked about it. Nobody acknowledged what was happening. It made me feel like my perceptions were wrong. I would feel things were wrong, but with other family members' denial, I thought something was wrong with my thoughts. Things would happen--nobody would talk about it--so, was I the one who was crazy? It taught me to not trust my perceptions. It may help you to go to look up some of the adult child of alcoholics information. You can see what sort of distortions of thinking happen when a child grows up in an alcoholic home.

I think it would be really good to have counseling/Alateen, something like that. Kids tend to personalize things. They think that what is happening around them is their fault. It's important to teach them that their perceptions are right--dad is having a hard time--and it is not their fault. You and your kids can learn and heal together.

boomtruck

Hammer nails it again. Honesty is the best policy. They have many emotions and questions that will need addressing. They need you to try to help them understand this horrible disease and what it does to people. My children know that we deal with 2 separate people, and their father now is certainly not even close to the man I married 27 years ago. They will sometimes make jokes on how his behavior was----it's hilarious. Humor does have a way to heal. I always make sure that they know their father loves them and didn't ask for the addiction he has. Although I want nothing to do with him anymore it doesn't mean that I don't love him----after all he gave me the two best things in my life--the kids. I pray for him and hope someday he can be sober and happy, but in the meantime I have to be the best me I can be and raise two children--hopefully happy and healthy children.

hopeful4

I am in a very similar position. I have told my kids ages 8 and 14. It helped them to understand his behavior. Also, I want them to know so they never get in a car w/him when he has been drinking. They need to be aware so they can come to me for their own sanity and safety.

I will always agree, open and honest.

Chelsea1029

I plan to discuss this with them. I think it will be easier as I feel I'm getting stronger everyday and more confident in my decision. I am learning a lot about myself in this process. One thing being that I have tried to keep my kids in a bubble and I haven't been very good about talking about uncomfortable things. I need to work on this. I'm glad my daughter for instance tells me about drug use/sex she hears about at school but I should really be using that as an opportunity to talk more about it. I usually want to move on from the conversation. I just want to be comfortable with how to present this information about their father to them and will speak to my counselor about it this week.

hopeful4

That is great! It is hard but if your kids are anything like mine, the flood gates will open and it will become alot easier to talk about.

Big Hugs...you can do this!

Chelsea1029

Another thing I'm doing this week (if he doesn't cancel) is meeting with husband and his psychiatrist. I asked for this based on my counselors recommendation and he agreed because it was when he was agreeable to getting help and quitting (that was short lived). I insisted he see someone a couple of years ago for depression, anxiety, and add...now I wonder if it was just the alcohol use causing the symptoms...but maybe there is underlying depression idk. He went to great lengths -going on meds and seeing her just to avoid telling me he was drinking! Anyway he finally told her about drinking at the last appt. I'm sure he minimized it. I want to make sure she understands the extent of it and she is prescribing with that knowledge. But I am also hoping she will help him to get on board with telling the kids. I won't not do it without his cooperation but I think it would make it easier.

hopeful4

I will just say that I believe you should also talk to your kids separately. They have to know you are the sober parent who they can come to if they have fears or need to tell you something about ol dad. I am not saying go behind his back, I am just saying make sure they know you are their support system and that you will protect them and do what is best for them always, then make sure you do so.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I just know how important it is for them to have open communication and they may not feel comfortable talking to dad about how his behavior makes them feel. Definitely good you are working with therapists about it, let them guide you.

Chelsea1029

I agree I won't tell them with him there. I would just prefer that he doesnt deny it when/if they talk to him about it.

boomtruck

In reference to you being their support/safety system. My XAH is now with his sister and trying to get his belongings from the house. He continues to try to physically get onto the property and I will not let him due to previous threats against me, the kids, and several trips in and out of hospital for threats of suicide. I am afraid of him, and have set this boundary firm. It has been hard. The kids even have questioned me. To this I have responded that they don't have to understand why they just have to respect my decision and know that I do what I do to protect them and myself. This has satisfied them as they have seen the violent blackout alcoholic rage many times. They still may not understand the depth of why I am so insistent, but I'm sure if you read enough on these pages you will understand yourself. So, I'm not saying this is the measure you need to take; only that as the protector there will times when they may question you and they don't always need to know why. Build respect now so when these times come up they will trust you as you have always been the one there to help and follow through.