mauihope

Husband is coming home from a long weekend away. I am feeling so conflicted and confused. It was nice and peaceful around the house. No worrying about where he was at or what he was doing. I knew he was with his drinking friends and I knew he would drink and honestly it did not bother me because I didn't have to see him. When he called, there was no question what was going on and I didn't make it an issue, I could hang up. This weekend I could just focus on myself and the kids, which was nice. Now that he will be home, we have to have a serious talk. I really like the no drinking atmosphere. He knows how I feel and I have told him I don't like it when he drinks. I have implemented a few boundaries but really have not enforced them because I felt that I was wrong. We are seeing the counselor/life coach this week and I will be bringing up how I feel about this. I have thought about separating, but with our circumstance, I would be the one to move out with the kids and I am not ready for that. We also have been married for 18 years (together 25) and have been through so much. I have been watching home videos and the changes in him (physically) have been astounding, which I am sure drinking is one of the main causes. It's all so heartbreaking and sad. Part of me knows that I can't stay in this situation but leaving and breaking up the family is not something I can do right now.

Thanks for listening

Pelican

I'm glad you are here, but sorry for the reason that brings you here.
I was married to my alcoholic 14 years. I was a stay at home mom 12 of the 14 years. I had 3 children in the home (one from that relationship).

I remember thinking that I could save our marriage and fix the relationship if I could just get him to see the damage his drinking was causing. I talked, cried, rebelled, and finally yelled to get him to hear what I was saying.

In my case, I was the one who needed to hear. I needed to hear through his actions that he never intended to change. I needed to stop listening to his words and look at his actions. My AXH was skilled in telling me what I wanted to hear. He was an expert at manipulation.

If you sit down to have a serious talk with an active alcoholic, keep in mind you may be given more empty words. The actions show the truth.

SparkleKitty

Can you talk a little bit more about this? Boundaries are tools we use to protect ourselves from uncomfortable or dangerous situations. They are very healthy tools. When they are expressed, but not enforced, all we do is teach our A's that we do not really mean what we say, and that there are no consequences to engaging in behavior they know we don't like.

Of course, boundaries do not have to be expressed. They can just be guidelines by which you choose to live your life.

Since you cannot control your A, you can only control yourself, a boundary like, "I will not be in a house where there is drinking," would require you to leave the environment if he chose to drink while you were home. You could ask your A not to drink in the house, but you don't have any means of stopping him if he chooses to do so.

I know that all the talking in the world had very little effect on the behavior of the A's in my life. It was only when I began to take action towards taking care of myself despite whatever they did that they understood I was serious about how I wanted to live, and what I would or wouldn't tolerate. The first time I hung up on my A mother, she finally understood what I meant when I said I wasn't going to waste time talking to a drunk.

dandylion

mauihope----Your post reminds me of the thinking of alcoiholics----"I don't like what the drinking is doing to me, but giving up the alcohol is not something I can do right now."

dandylion

mauihope

Pelican - This is exactly what I have been feeling and expressing to my husband. Actions speak louder than words, and he says he understands it....but nothing seems to change.

SparkleKitty - Boundaries are very new to me. I have always been a people pleaser and do whatever it takes to get people to like me (I'm working on this) Some things I have expressed (and not expressed) are not sleeping with him when he drinks and leaving the house/restaurant/bar/friends house when he drinks. The first time it I was firm, then as time has gone on, I'm not so firm.

dandylion - WOW....that sure hit home. Very true and has got me thinking.....

I think I am mostly mad at myself for allowing all of this to continue on (now that I am no longer in denial). I am working on myself and am praying, meditating, and reading. I just get so overwhelmed and think, what did I do to deserve this. I am a good person and I always do the right things......then I think, well, maybe he doesn't really have a problem, it's probably just me.....I don't know how to have fun and hang out like I should. It's all so frustrating.

Pelican

Be gentle with yourself.
You didn't arrive here in this situation overnight,
and it will take time to recover