So what part of me needs to be fixed??
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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So what part of me needs to be fixed??
My xabf and I took a break for a few weeks and saw each other for the first time last night since then.
He drank quite a bit and I ended up going over to his house and talking with him for a bit.
He was pitiful. I felt so sorry for him. I could feel his hurt, his pain, his misery's. I could see this lost soul who needs booze in order to make it through the day. I can see this!! I'm looking at him and seeing someone that really and truly cannot function or be in a relationship the way that I need him to be.
Yet, here I am tonight trying to get him to be with me. Now, who's the pitiful one?
I need his comfort. I want to cuddle up next to him and feel secure and okay. His big arms make me feel better.
My need for that is SO strong.
Yet, I wonder how I could really feel that kind of security from a guy who is drinking all the time. Who can barely take care of himself.
So, now I start questioning...what is this little piece of mine that just needs this kind of affection? It's been there as long as I can remember. It's the one thing I can't give myself. What part of me does it come from and how can I fix it? Because as long as this little piece is broken, I'm going to keep staying with guys who are wrong for me.
It's amazing how desperately I want to see him right now. And, all I want is a hug. And, to feel loved by him.
Someone said once they didn't understand how people could stay in the wrong relationship just to have someone love them. Yeah...I get that.
He drank quite a bit and I ended up going over to his house and talking with him for a bit.
He was pitiful. I felt so sorry for him. I could feel his hurt, his pain, his misery's. I could see this lost soul who needs booze in order to make it through the day. I can see this!! I'm looking at him and seeing someone that really and truly cannot function or be in a relationship the way that I need him to be.
Yet, here I am tonight trying to get him to be with me. Now, who's the pitiful one?
I need his comfort. I want to cuddle up next to him and feel secure and okay. His big arms make me feel better.
My need for that is SO strong.
Yet, I wonder how I could really feel that kind of security from a guy who is drinking all the time. Who can barely take care of himself.
So, now I start questioning...what is this little piece of mine that just needs this kind of affection? It's been there as long as I can remember. It's the one thing I can't give myself. What part of me does it come from and how can I fix it? Because as long as this little piece is broken, I'm going to keep staying with guys who are wrong for me.
It's amazing how desperately I want to see him right now. And, all I want is a hug. And, to feel loved by him.
Someone said once they didn't understand how people could stay in the wrong relationship just to have someone love them. Yeah...I get that.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
If I were in your shoes, I think I would have to rethink my needs versus wants.
You NEED a means to support yourself, to put a roof over your head and food in your belly, those are human basic NEEDS.
This desire for him to hold you is an emotional want it's not a NEED. It appears you are letting your emotions get the best of you here.
Best to stick to the facts, you are allowing your emotions to run you off in the ditch.
You are correct, there is zero security with an active alcoholic, he has nothing to currently offer you. He cannot currently love you the way you deserve.
The good news, there are millions of available men, who are NOT active addicts, who are available, and could be a committed partner.
Do yourself a favor, and move on.
You will not always feel like this, be strong, and concentrate on your own future.
You NEED a means to support yourself, to put a roof over your head and food in your belly, those are human basic NEEDS.
This desire for him to hold you is an emotional want it's not a NEED. It appears you are letting your emotions get the best of you here.
Best to stick to the facts, you are allowing your emotions to run you off in the ditch.
You are correct, there is zero security with an active alcoholic, he has nothing to currently offer you. He cannot currently love you the way you deserve.
The good news, there are millions of available men, who are NOT active addicts, who are available, and could be a committed partner.
Do yourself a favor, and move on.
You will not always feel like this, be strong, and concentrate on your own future.
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow 
And, all I want is a hug. And, to feel loved by him.
Someone said once they didn't understand how people could stay in the wrong relationship just to have someone love them. Yeah...I get that.
Someone said once they didn't understand how people could stay in the wrong relationship just to have someone love them. Yeah...I get that.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4467340
Was scaring myself, so I took a break from it for a while.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Yet, here I am tonight trying to get him to be with me.
looking back thru your life, how far back does THIS theme go? trying to get someone who is emotionally unavailable to "love" you? we will repeat such patterns trying to get it right this time and repeat the feelings of not good enough, never enough....until one day, we say ENOUGH.
looking back thru your life, how far back does THIS theme go? trying to get someone who is emotionally unavailable to "love" you? we will repeat such patterns trying to get it right this time and repeat the feelings of not good enough, never enough....until one day, we say ENOUGH.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Are you or have you thought about going to therapy? Sometimes discovering the answers to why we feel we "need" things that are unhealthy aren't answers we can find on our own.
In the meantime, I hope you spend some time loving yourself and treating yourself well.
In the meantime, I hope you spend some time loving yourself and treating yourself well.
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I remember a therapy session with my XAH when the therapist asked me what I wanted from him. I said I just want to feel safe and protected. I wanted to be able to trust him again. She said it's not about trusting him, it's about trusting yourself. It's about feeling safe with or without him. I didn't really get what she meant at the time, but I do now. I spent most of my life looking for my security and sense of well being in someone else. I needed to look within.
L
L
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Great posts, thank you.
Yes, it is an emotional need. It's exactly where I feel it too...right in the core of me. I won't analyze myself here but this emotional need has been there a long time. Showed up even moreso after my mother dying and getting divorced within 6 months of each other. Now, I can't seem to get it fulfilled. It seems to ebb and flow through my life. Once I don't have it for awhile I adjust...it's when I get it again that I have a hard time letting it go.
Thanks Hammer for sharing your post...I definitely relate to that
It's all part of that 'love me" part. Do everything you can for someone, even if they aren't even coming close to giving you that back. That's part of my issue...thinking if I give it my all someone will love and appreciate me and not want to let me walk away. Yet, they literally don't have to do anything for it. So, that's one goal I have...to hold back on all the giving until someone has proven to me they are deserving of all of it.
The whole emotionally unavailable theme has been there forever. My dad is a wonderful, caring, man...who just wasn't an emotional or touchy-feely kind of guy. I'm guessing that's the pattern I'm re-creating but sometimes it's the unobvious that becomes obvious.
Yes, it is an emotional need. It's exactly where I feel it too...right in the core of me. I won't analyze myself here but this emotional need has been there a long time. Showed up even moreso after my mother dying and getting divorced within 6 months of each other. Now, I can't seem to get it fulfilled. It seems to ebb and flow through my life. Once I don't have it for awhile I adjust...it's when I get it again that I have a hard time letting it go.
Thanks Hammer for sharing your post...I definitely relate to that
It's all part of that 'love me" part. Do everything you can for someone, even if they aren't even coming close to giving you that back. That's part of my issue...thinking if I give it my all someone will love and appreciate me and not want to let me walk away. Yet, they literally don't have to do anything for it. So, that's one goal I have...to hold back on all the giving until someone has proven to me they are deserving of all of it.The whole emotionally unavailable theme has been there forever. My dad is a wonderful, caring, man...who just wasn't an emotional or touchy-feely kind of guy. I'm guessing that's the pattern I'm re-creating but sometimes it's the unobvious that becomes obvious.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Join Date: Mar 2012
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Really working through things in my journal today, but just wanted to post an obvious moment of clarity for myself.
Unemotional, non-affectionate father combined with an emotional, loving, codie mom.
It's no wonder I attract A's. They make the whole circle of my life complete.
I believe we are who we are because of our outside influences as well as our DNA.
But, I started thinking...okay, what can I change about myself? What do I WANT to change about who I am. What parts of me are things that came out of my living environment...my family dynamics.
If I could be whoever it is I wanted to, and not have these past circumstances dictating who I am now...who would I want to be?
Can I change who I have always known myself to be into something better for me? Can I change these thought patterns and dynamics and emotional needs into something healthier?
The answer to all of that, is of course, yes. I can change it.
Our past is ingrained in our mind. Every bad relationship, every bad word, everything we have ever had to believe about ourselves. The influence and teachings of our parents, teachers, churches, friends and outside world. They have all taught us who we should be.
But, there comes a time in your life when you really, really need to be who YOU want to be.
And, what if somehow, you could erase it all? Give yourself a clean slate to start over.
Could you look at what you've been taught and what beliefs you've been given and dissect them to know what it is YOU really believe?
That's where my head is right now. To change my perspective and beliefs. Starting with my little missing piece...which is my father's love and affections. I'm no longer that little girl constantly looking for my father's attention. I need to heal her for that. And, let her know she's okay. That it's nothing she's done...it's just who HE is.
Looks like I'm going to need a Big and Little conversation here today.
Unemotional, non-affectionate father combined with an emotional, loving, codie mom.
It's no wonder I attract A's. They make the whole circle of my life complete.
I believe we are who we are because of our outside influences as well as our DNA.
But, I started thinking...okay, what can I change about myself? What do I WANT to change about who I am. What parts of me are things that came out of my living environment...my family dynamics.
If I could be whoever it is I wanted to, and not have these past circumstances dictating who I am now...who would I want to be?
Can I change who I have always known myself to be into something better for me? Can I change these thought patterns and dynamics and emotional needs into something healthier?
The answer to all of that, is of course, yes. I can change it.
Our past is ingrained in our mind. Every bad relationship, every bad word, everything we have ever had to believe about ourselves. The influence and teachings of our parents, teachers, churches, friends and outside world. They have all taught us who we should be.
But, there comes a time in your life when you really, really need to be who YOU want to be.
And, what if somehow, you could erase it all? Give yourself a clean slate to start over.
Could you look at what you've been taught and what beliefs you've been given and dissect them to know what it is YOU really believe?
That's where my head is right now. To change my perspective and beliefs. Starting with my little missing piece...which is my father's love and affections. I'm no longer that little girl constantly looking for my father's attention. I need to heal her for that. And, let her know she's okay. That it's nothing she's done...it's just who HE is.
Looks like I'm going to need a Big and Little conversation here today.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I hear ya itsmylifenow. I grew up in a home with a father who was abusive and angry all the time. And a codependent mother! So scared and insecure and only wanting peace and love! Now I think that my problem is i keep falling i to those same unhealthy paterns and putting the pressure on some guy to fill that void and give me the security and unconditional love that only a parent can give. That is an unreasonable expection, and asking for disaster, and is the basis for all my fears, I know. But how do we heal from that? My father has passed away which has only driven my mother deeper into controlling and codependency with no one in partiular to be codependent on! I gave her codependent no more...she read it but I dont think she got it. Her father was an alcoholic also, and died of serosis of the liver when I was 13... How do we heal that scared lonely little girl! I have looked back and accepted and understood and forgiven my father...but I guess not my mother. Maybe start there?
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I think, well at least for me, forgiveness of the parent and that less than ideal childhood is a process. just when I think I've really made peace with it all, made peace with mom (deceased), and become thankful for the things she DID teach me......some other dumb little memory will come up.
for example, my mother managed an apt building and we lived in the building. when I was about 10 she had apts on the 2nd floor renovated into one big apt and we moved in there. it was kind of a v shape, doorway, entry hall, than a hallway to the right....my bedroom, hers at the end and the bathroom across the hall from mine....and then to left the living room, dining room and then kitchen. when I was about 13? 14? my bedroom was MOVED to the small efficiency apt NEXT to ours. with my own door etc. ok, so that might sound cool....but I was even further separated from the familial abode...when I got sent to my room, I was sent OUT of the main apt and to a completely separate space. being as it was a cement and cinder block building it wasn't like you could hear thru the walls.
thing was my former room wasn't used for anything. we didn't need the space. it was just mom and me. mom just wanted me out of the way.........
this just came up recently so i'm still dealing with it. i'm looking at it now as a mother, as a 50 something person, but i'm still p!ssed. obviously I survived, I don't think I was permanently eternally damaged beyond repair, but still.....geez.
so be patient with yourselves. we have our lives til today to reconcile - like the sole accountant at H&R Block at tax time. sometimes we have to amend our returns!
for example, my mother managed an apt building and we lived in the building. when I was about 10 she had apts on the 2nd floor renovated into one big apt and we moved in there. it was kind of a v shape, doorway, entry hall, than a hallway to the right....my bedroom, hers at the end and the bathroom across the hall from mine....and then to left the living room, dining room and then kitchen. when I was about 13? 14? my bedroom was MOVED to the small efficiency apt NEXT to ours. with my own door etc. ok, so that might sound cool....but I was even further separated from the familial abode...when I got sent to my room, I was sent OUT of the main apt and to a completely separate space. being as it was a cement and cinder block building it wasn't like you could hear thru the walls.
thing was my former room wasn't used for anything. we didn't need the space. it was just mom and me. mom just wanted me out of the way.........
this just came up recently so i'm still dealing with it. i'm looking at it now as a mother, as a 50 something person, but i'm still p!ssed. obviously I survived, I don't think I was permanently eternally damaged beyond repair, but still.....geez.
so be patient with yourselves. we have our lives til today to reconcile - like the sole accountant at H&R Block at tax time. sometimes we have to amend our returns!
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Wow Anvilhead...your experience just gave me a perspective of one of my experiences...i always wished I could be someplace else! Our house was rabit run as in i had to walk thru my parents room to get to mine...they were connected like a lockout hotelroom but with no door. I heard a lot in the 11 years i slept in that room and sometimes wonder if it wasnt a form of sexual abuse. I think I have come to terms with that now but can still have reaidual promiscuity and sexual insecurity issues. Thanks for shareing that! I had never considered the seperation could be just as harmful!
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Involved..have you ever done the Big/Little talk with yourself? I open up my word document that I keep for these conversations, close my eyes and just have a conversation in my head - typing it all out as I go.
It's an interesting activity as it gets you listening to that little inner voice from long ago and then soothing it the way you'd want to have a parent or adult take care of things.
It really helped me to bring to the forefront some issues I'd had as a little girl and having my older self comfort and take care of her. It feels a little bit like being Sybil, drawing out these voices in your head.
Anvilhead...thanks for sharing your experience. It is a never ending process isn't it? I know I wish most of my issues could just be solved in one felt swoop in an afternoon and be done with so I can move on. I guess if all this stuff came out at once it would overwhelm us. There is always something to be healed.
It's an interesting activity as it gets you listening to that little inner voice from long ago and then soothing it the way you'd want to have a parent or adult take care of things.
It really helped me to bring to the forefront some issues I'd had as a little girl and having my older self comfort and take care of her. It feels a little bit like being Sybil, drawing out these voices in your head.
Anvilhead...thanks for sharing your experience. It is a never ending process isn't it? I know I wish most of my issues could just be solved in one felt swoop in an afternoon and be done with so I can move on. I guess if all this stuff came out at once it would overwhelm us. There is always something to be healed.
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i'm listening to Eat, Pray, Love on audio right now and it's about to become my new fave book. I heard this today while fetching groceries - it was a wow thing for me:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
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Ha...I liked that book! Loved the part where she tells her friend that its ok to eat that extra slice of pizza...not to be lazy and sloppy, but to enjoy yourself sometimes...because if a man finds himself in a room with a naked woman he isnt looking at her love handles, he feels like he won the lottery!
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Funny, I'm reading Eat, Pray Love too! Just got to the part in India...loving it so far. I wanted her inspiration, and how she found her peace. I would love to travel as much as she does.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Originally Posted by choublak
Get a big dog. They're better company.
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as interesting and spiritual as she makes meditation and ashrams and yogis and mantras sound, it is so just not me....ok, not me so far! but then again, I've never really made the effort to develop a meditation regimen. with my knees if I tried to sit cross legged for 15 minutes i'd never walk again! that's my excuse and i'm sticking to it....but I really do appreciate listening to HER journey, how it played out, the progression. and how she is completely without guile, just tells it like it is and not dress it up, stays very vulnerable and raw.
wanna borrow our 125# American bulldog? she's a bed hog AND she snores.
wanna borrow our 125# American bulldog? she's a bed hog AND she snores.
And Presents For Pretty Girls
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Wow, 125#?? Holy moly, that's big! I'm used to bed hogs and snorers so I'd be glad to borrow her. She'd make me feel right at home!
Yes, I guess meditation isn't for everyone. I, personally, love it even though at times my mind won't sit still. But, I found lying down and listening to a meditation on Youtube was a nice alternative to the sitting thing. I'm all antsy when I sit - everything seems to hurt these days.
I think the one thing I get out of her book is that we've all been where she has at one point in our lives or another. Whether it was a boyfriend, husband, death of a loved one...I think most of us (especially here) know that feeling of hitting rock bottom and not being able to take any more. I know I've been there...and I hope to never hit there again.
Yes, I guess meditation isn't for everyone. I, personally, love it even though at times my mind won't sit still. But, I found lying down and listening to a meditation on Youtube was a nice alternative to the sitting thing. I'm all antsy when I sit - everything seems to hurt these days.
I think the one thing I get out of her book is that we've all been where she has at one point in our lives or another. Whether it was a boyfriend, husband, death of a loved one...I think most of us (especially here) know that feeling of hitting rock bottom and not being able to take any more. I know I've been there...and I hope to never hit there again.
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