So what part of me needs to be fixed??
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
[QUOTE]I need his comfort. I want to cuddle up next to him and feel secure and okay. His big arms make me feel better.
My need for that is SO strong. [QUOTE]
Oh wow. This so me. I never really thought that this feeling could be a problem.
I grew in a family where Mom was somewhat subservient and codependent, and Dad was the enemy for me. There was no obvious substance abuse with my father, but lately I'm starting to put puzzle pieces together and wondering about the possibility of something going on behind the scenes.
I was always a little envious of people who had good relationships with there fathers, and I've always felt cheated out of having a real "Dad".
I guess maybe this is where my need for security comes from? And yes, I do need to learn to find that from with in.
Great thread, thank you! I needed that eye opener.
My need for that is SO strong. [QUOTE]
Oh wow. This so me. I never really thought that this feeling could be a problem.
I grew in a family where Mom was somewhat subservient and codependent, and Dad was the enemy for me. There was no obvious substance abuse with my father, but lately I'm starting to put puzzle pieces together and wondering about the possibility of something going on behind the scenes.
I was always a little envious of people who had good relationships with there fathers, and I've always felt cheated out of having a real "Dad".
I guess maybe this is where my need for security comes from? And yes, I do need to learn to find that from with in.
Great thread, thank you! I needed that eye opener.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by choublak 
Yeah, cats get mad and run away lol.
I've had lots of cats and he's the strangest cat ever. He purrs all the time - more than any cat I've ever had. He's so easy going. Even when you can tell he wants to leave, he will stay until you release him. He's big (16#), soft, playful, talkative, and loves to be held. We think he must be part ragamuffin because of his temperament. Seriously, he's the best cat I've owned.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by itsmylifenow
Really working through things in my journal today, but just wanted to post an obvious moment of clarity for myself.
Unemotional, non-affectionate father combined with an emotional, loving, codie mom.
It's no wonder I attract A's. They make the whole circle of my life complete.
I believe we are who we are because of our outside influences as well as our DNA.
But, I started thinking...okay, what can I change about myself? What do I WANT to change about who I am. What parts of me are things that came out of my living environment...my family dynamics.
If I could be whoever it is I wanted to, and not have these past circumstances dictating who I am now...who would I want to be?
Can I change who I have always known myself to be into something better for me? Can I change these thought patterns and dynamics and emotional needs into something healthier?
The answer to all of that, is of course, yes. I can change it.
Our past is ingrained in our mind. Every bad relationship, every bad word, everything we have ever had to believe about ourselves. The influence and teachings of our parents, teachers, churches, friends and outside world. They have all taught us who we should be.
But, there comes a time in your life when you really, really need to be who YOU want to be.
And, what if somehow, you could erase it all? Give yourself a clean slate to start over.
Could you look at what you've been taught and what beliefs you've been given and dissect them to know what it is YOU really believe?
That's where my head is right now. To change my perspective and beliefs. Starting with my little missing piece...which is my father's love and affections. I'm no longer that little girl constantly looking for my father's attention. I need to heal her for that. And, let her know she's okay. That it's nothing she's done...it's just who HE is.
Looks like I'm going to need a Big and Little conversation here today.
Unemotional, non-affectionate father combined with an emotional, loving, codie mom.
It's no wonder I attract A's. They make the whole circle of my life complete.
I believe we are who we are because of our outside influences as well as our DNA.
But, I started thinking...okay, what can I change about myself? What do I WANT to change about who I am. What parts of me are things that came out of my living environment...my family dynamics.
If I could be whoever it is I wanted to, and not have these past circumstances dictating who I am now...who would I want to be?
Can I change who I have always known myself to be into something better for me? Can I change these thought patterns and dynamics and emotional needs into something healthier?
The answer to all of that, is of course, yes. I can change it.
Our past is ingrained in our mind. Every bad relationship, every bad word, everything we have ever had to believe about ourselves. The influence and teachings of our parents, teachers, churches, friends and outside world. They have all taught us who we should be.
But, there comes a time in your life when you really, really need to be who YOU want to be.
And, what if somehow, you could erase it all? Give yourself a clean slate to start over.
Could you look at what you've been taught and what beliefs you've been given and dissect them to know what it is YOU really believe?
That's where my head is right now. To change my perspective and beliefs. Starting with my little missing piece...which is my father's love and affections. I'm no longer that little girl constantly looking for my father's attention. I need to heal her for that. And, let her know she's okay. That it's nothing she's done...it's just who HE is.
Looks like I'm going to need a Big and Little conversation here today.
This is a big part of how I have approached my recovery. I'm lucky in the way that this type of self-examination came naturally to me somehow, starting in my teens. I think it was more of a survival instinct thing that I developed to help myself keep grounded when everything around me seemed so confusing & unstable. When my AF was sent to jail for a year it was a critical part of how I was able to separate myself from his mistakes & at least accept that I didn't want it reflecting on me even while I struggled with still loving him because he was my dad. It helped me to embrace my own humility.
And I was, as a teen, a seriously devoted fan of Jim Morrison's writings. {yes, I was born decades too late, the displaced hippie child... as if y'all hadn't noticed by now
} Although this essay was written more from the perspective of developing our creativity, what he wrote about the self interview struck a chord with me in a way that I have never forgotten: Jim Morrison's Self-InterviewI've always been able to use it here & there to get REAL with myself. It wasn't until I officially started recovery though, that I fully recognized what I had been doing & started applying it more purposefully to my life.
I tell RAH allllll the time that one day he will hopefully realize (just as I have, eventually) that wherever & whatever he came from, doesn't have to be where he chooses to stay. That what we came from doesn't have to define us now or tomorrow; that what we choose to carry, we can choose to put down & relieve ourselves of the burden. Sounds simple, but it can be so difficult to get to the ROOTS of the problem sometime in order to treat it fully.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
I actually have a cat who doesn't do this I've had lots of cats and he's the strangest cat ever. He purrs all the time - more than any cat I've ever had. He's so easy going. Even when you can tell he wants to leave, he will stay until you release him. He's big (16#), soft, playful, talkative, and loves to be held. We think he must be part ragamuffin because of his temperament. Seriously, he's the best cat I've owned.
I've had lots of cats and he's the strangest cat ever. He purrs all the time - more than any cat I've ever had. He's so easy going. Even when you can tell he wants to leave, he will stay until you release him. He's big (16#), soft, playful, talkative, and loves to be held. We think he must be part ragamuffin because of his temperament. Seriously, he's the best cat I've owned.Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Me too - I've actually got 3 males like this, they are part Maine Coon & that is how every MC cat I've ever had has acted. Very, very loving. One of mine loves to be flipped upside down & cradled like a baby, one sleeps with DD every. single. night & if her bedroom door is closed to him then WATCH OUT... he will yowl & demand until you let him in. The 3rd talks constantly, yammering back & forth with you for as long as you keep it up. They all love to lie in our laps - they have to have physical contact, so even if one of them lies next to me, he will stretch out a paw and place it on my arm to keep physical touch.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by HopefulinFLA
I'm starting to think that male cats are just more affectionate than females. I have a 10 year male mixed breed who is just such a love. He doesn't play with toys, he wants his people! Unless he's napping, he follows me everywhere and stalks my lap when it's chilly. He'll nap with me on the couch under a blanket. He even wags his tail like a dog. He's my best buddy.
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I took a therapy training the last few years.
One of the things that was so valuable to me in the training, even if I use nothing from it in my day to day life.
Our childhoods are like pearls. We get hurt, lonely (or worse), like a grain of sand in the shell. Over times we adjust, and try to put a protective coating on that "irritant," but it is still there, underneath it all.
Over time though that coating can start defining us in both good and bad ways. The important part for me to hear though was this....that coating, the maladaptive behaviors etc...at one time they SAVED OUR LIFE.
For me recovery has been about breakign down that coating, getting to the stuff within it and allowing the real me to come out.
I can have gratitude though now for the coating, the bad habits, in my case the codependency and addiction....because it was a way to keep me safe.
Luckily I am working on no longer needing that to keep me safe.
One of the things that was so valuable to me in the training, even if I use nothing from it in my day to day life.
Our childhoods are like pearls. We get hurt, lonely (or worse), like a grain of sand in the shell. Over times we adjust, and try to put a protective coating on that "irritant," but it is still there, underneath it all.
Over time though that coating can start defining us in both good and bad ways. The important part for me to hear though was this....that coating, the maladaptive behaviors etc...at one time they SAVED OUR LIFE.
For me recovery has been about breakign down that coating, getting to the stuff within it and allowing the real me to come out.
I can have gratitude though now for the coating, the bad habits, in my case the codependency and addiction....because it was a way to keep me safe.
Luckily I am working on no longer needing that to keep me safe.
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