copperducky

Well, I'm crying yet again, as I write this.
Yesterday my AH was in town to help a friend repair some frozen water pipes. I got off work at 5pm and decided to stop by on my way home to see how far along they were. They were talking and didn't see me coming up behind them. When my AH turned around I knew right away that he was loopy. Another huge chunk of my heart broke off and fell into the pit of my stomach. They finished talking and decided to meet this morning to continue the work. The friend left and my AH kept looking at me like he was waiting for me to say something about it. It took a lot of courage to just say "see ya at home" and walk away. I must have obviously looked so sad to him. He started to have that guilty look as he watched me get in my truck and drive away. He followed, but I saw him turn off into the park area and I know he was either dumping his stash in the trash or hiding it better in his truck tool box. I don't care. I'm so heart aching right now that I don't know what to do.
It was a quiet night. I didn't feel the need to talk to him in his state and he didn't offer up any conversation before he fell asleep in his chair at 8pm.
I on the other hand could not sleep much. Fitfully when I did.
My mind keeps going back to those of you who have divorced or are starting that process after 25 years of marriage. I still cant say if I'm going that direction.
Ive printed out so much information on this today that I am compiling a file and I'm going to give it to him. I'm going to set my first boundary but I don't know what that should be.
I have to stop crying now, I'm at work, but getting nothing done. So I am going to dry up my eyes and burrow into it!
Thanks for listening.

readerbaby71

I'm so sorry. I know the feeling. Sending you hugs. xoxoxo

hopeful4

O CDucky...I am so sorry. I know that feeling ever so well.

Only you can decide how much you can take. Only you can decide what your boundaries will be. There is a big difference in boundaries..they are for you. There are also ultimatiums...those are for him. I will say that addicts are like naughty children, so if you give any sort of ultimatium be prepared to stick to it. Often times a therapist will be someone who can help you set those boundaries for you.

What can you do for you today? I think you did the right thing by not saying anything at this point, it only would have upset you more. You knew, and he knows you knew. Your mind has to switch to it being about you instead of being about him. It is so so hard and I totally understand that.

Tight hugs my friend. We are here with you.

AnvilheadII

as you consider boundaries, remember they are for YOU....not him.

quit drinking or else, is not a boundary.

i will not live with someone in active addiction IS a boundary. but boundaries require ACTION on our part. if we say we will not live with active addiction and they choose to keep feeding the beast, then WE have to make decisions about our living arrangements.

hopeful4

I had a boundary for a while, and still do, that he cannot be around our home if he has been drinking. That means for him he has to call his sister and go to her home or somewhere else. I will not allow it in my home. That is my boundary.

I also have a boundary for myself that I will not actively search for bottles or cans or drive myself nuts with any of that anymore. It makes ME feel crazy and it is something I don't want to do, I feel it is beneath me and not good for my mental health. That is my own boundary.

There are boundaries you can make, and they can be baby steps. That's ok. Just keep going forward, one little step at a time.

God Bless!

copperducky

Hopeful,
Thank you,
I did used to do the intense search for the hidden stash, but this morning after he left I nearly did, but thought "NO!!!" Not gonna care about that anymore!!
Thanks for the point of setting my own boundaries for myself

hopeful4

Absolutely!!! There are things you can do that will make you feel more incharge of your own recovery. Does it really matter if there are hidden bottles? Nope, it just makes you feel like a nut running around looking for them. You don't need proof. You know what you know and it is doing bad things to your psyche. Your boundaries will help you improve that and make you stronger.

Tight hugs!

spiderqueen

Hi copperducky,
I understand, and I'm sorry for your turmoil. It's good you detached enough not to engage him. But your mind and heart stay engaged and tormented, and then you don't sleep, you can't work, you lose yourself.

I left my XA because I didn't know if he would ever wake up and seek sobriety, regardless of his promises; but I did know that I needed to regain my peace, my focus, my life.

My boundary was, "I can't be in a relationship with a person who drinks to excess." So we broke up. But notice, the boundary was about ME.

My heart goes out to you. (hugs)

RollTide

So sorry to hear that you are going through this as I know exactly what you are going through. You don't have to find any of his "stashes" to know they are there. You can look in his eyes and tell. For me it never got any better and I wish I had not held onto hope as long as I did.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mango blast

copperducky,

No matter what, you are going to be okay. Work your own recovery each and every day. Whether your husband gets help or not, there will be harder days ahead. I'm not saying that to discourage you, but to give you hope in the fact that you'll be able to handle the journey. This disease affects a lot of good people and you have support. Keep building on that locally. It is there, even in very small towns. Expand your support network to nearby cities. That in-person support is very important. You DO NOT need to handle this alone. I was looking for a long time, but was looking in the wrong places while trying to fix things. My turning point was when I started to earnestly pray for help for myself and give myself up to that.

Married 27 years, my husband is currently 50-something days sober. Each week has been bringing small progressions for each of us. I realized a long time ago that I will never divorce him, but there may come a time for me to live apart from him for my own sanity. This week it may seem fairly unlikely, but this disease often causes relapse by complacency.

JustAGirl1971

I'm so sorry, copperducky I know you had such hope that it might stick this time. As for making a decision, do not feel like that's something you have to do RIGHT NOW. Just take it one step, one day at a time. Maybe today you printed out that information. Maybe tomorrow you go to an al-anon meeting... or do something else for yourself. This is not a race. You do not have to figure it out right now. Just take it one day, one hour at a time. Be gentle with yourself.

I wish I had some great wisdom about boundaries but the truth is, I'm not so good at making/sticking to boundaries. I kept wanting to make them about him, not me. More like ultimatums that hopeful mentioned. Finally, with the help of my counselor, I decided to make my boundary no alcohol in my home (he was a few weeks sober at the time.) I did not communicate that boundary to him. It really wouldn't have made a difference we both knew where we were headed if he started drinking again... which he did. As others have said, a boundary could be as simple as no discussions with him when he's been drinking; not being around him when he's drunk, no talking to him when he's being confrontational or verbally abusive regardless of whether he's drinking. The key is that you need to know what you will do if he crosses whatever boundary you've created. It could be as simple as just walking away or sleeping in a guest room but notice that you are the one doing the action. It's all about you here, not him. I know it's a very different concept to get use to after years of focusing on him.

Hammer

AND Tomorrow is a new day.

For YOU. and. For HIM. and For ME. and. For My Little A.

and. For ALL of us.

Tomorrow can be a good day. Just have to make it through this one.

JustAGirl1971

No, Hammer, tomorrow is FREAKING VALENTINE'S DAY!! NOT a good day, lol! Plus, we have snow and it's not going away Bad day all around. Saturday can be a good day

Mango blast

JustAGirl - Thanks for the grin that gave me! I'm not looking forward to Valentine's Day, but for the first time in a very very long time I'm not dreading it. I've had times where I knew tomorrow wouldn't be good and also reserved the right to look forward to some other day ahead!!

copperducky

Thank you KeepingtheFaith, Thank you JustAGirl,
Thank you all of you. I have a few boundaries in my mind and whether or not Im going to tell him them right now...Im not sure. But you are right...they are for ME!
KeepingTheFaith...like you, I am pretty positive that I will not divorce. Just not an option in my heart. But I like the idea of the guest room! Gonna start fixing it up for myself.
Sigh...thank you all for making my day a truly better day with your compassion and thoughts and advice....I TRULY appreciate it.
I shall keep marching on...like you said (JustAGirl) baby steps

Hammer

Texas. Sunny and 61.

And last night, Mrs. Hammer came home a couple days early from the training (up North) for the new Rehab. They figured everyone would be snowed in again up there for the next month or so, with what is hitting, now.

So she was a little frisky. Which I guess is never a bad thing. Maybe so, but this whole attitude thing and last year of Wall-to-Wall is going to take some real fixing.

She is off to T today, so good at least on that.

Not. Hammer's. Problem.

Meanwhile I have my Program. My Steps. My Sponsor(s). My T.

And my side of the bed.

JustAGirl1971

Oh, see now you're gloating - warm, sunny weather, and sex. Meanwhile, I'm freezing under yet another freaking snow/ice storm, tomorrow's valentine's day, and I've got no sex and no prospects. Way to cheer up a girl

I do have my program, my steps (step 1!), and my sponsor... just have to shop for the new T since I gave the old one the boot.

JustAGirl1971

Copperducky, my counselor did offer some suggestions that I'd never considered... like staying separated until the kids were out of high school (5 years.) It wasn't the right option for me (& AH wouldn't agree to a trial separation let alone a l-t one), but it is a viable option for others. And, moving into a guest room works, too

CodeJob

Copperducky, I am sorry. I so know that bottomless pit in my stomach where my hope would go sometimes. It is wearying to the bone.

You are in my thoughts.

Mango blast

Hi copperducky,

Just checking in to see how you're doing. Sending you a pm.