kathryn1

I have been clean and sober for 7 1/2 yrs. Yesterday I made a huge mistake. I found some hydrocodone and took some (it was left over from last yr when my hubby had a surgery. he thought it was all gone). After I swallowed it I regreted it but could make myself throw it up. So I just dumped the rest down the toilet. But of course I spent all day at work messed up and my friends were really worried about me. To tell you the truth I am worried about me. I haven't told my husband yet but my friends knew something was wrong and wouldn't stop questioning me until I told them the truth. They said they won't tell him this time but if I ever do it again they'll have to. I am worried about going back to the way I was. I am praying for the strength to be able to resist.

Raider

Your sobriety stretch is amazing! You can do this. Blessings to you sweet thing!

UncleMeat69

Have you been staying sober on will power ?

mfanch

For me:

Spiritual illness---->Mental obsession---->Physical craving---->Using

So when I medicate, I have been off the spiritual beam for quite some time. I doesn't "just happen" to me. I HAVE to do my daily spiritual work (steps, service, fellowship). And if I do, I am immune for the day. Period.

In AA, we don't do all the work so that we are given power to resist. We do it to be released from it all together. The BB says on 45 that a higher power will solve our problem, NOT help US solve it. HP does this FOR me.

I hope you still post the meditations. It is service work.

Hugs.

Mfanch

Gal220

One day doesn't erase everything you've learned in your 7 1/2 of sobriety. You can pick yourself up and dust yourself off, learn from this, and move on. I have been very close to relapsing a couple of times in my 6 years of sobriety. If I had an open bottle in my hand at those times when I was struggling, I might have done it. By the grace of God, it wasn't available in my weak moments. But that's no virtue of mine. We relapse mentally long before we take that drink/drug.

When I got to that relapse tipping point, I had to really examine what I was doing and get back to basics. Upping meetings, calling my sponsor, getting back to work on my steps, working with other alcoholics, searching myself for fear, self-pity, and resentment, and above all being honest. I noticed you posted in another thread about your husband worrying about your sobriety. The hardest thing for me was being honest with my husband when I was in trouble. Keeping secrets from him ate away at me and made my despair even worse. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, so I'd suggest honesty.

And remember, we're here for you.

Music

Geez, I hope I never have to experience what you have. But, I hope if that happened to me, I'd have the courage to be honest with my wife, my AA family and then try to find out what made me think it was ok, after an extended period of sobriety to take a pill or a drink. Drinking or drugging again just doesn't happen out of the blue.

I hope you work your way through this and don't give up. My son was sober 19 years and started to take Vicodin. He's now been sober a little over 3 years. There's a story about Bill W., who on his death bed, made one last wish. It was for one more drink! That tells me that even after years of sobriety, the damn disease doesn't just pick up and move on. It's always there. Question is, what do I or should I do when that thought comes to mind?

My prayers are with you.

safe2breathe

today is a new day.

WMJ1012

Hi Kathryn
This is a matter between you and God.
Don't beat yourself up.
There's something about that 7.5 year mark. A lot of people really need to grow more at that point. (I see things like this happen at all stages but def that 7.5 year mark.)
When I reached that place I sought more spiritual solution.
Best

katiedid722

I commend you for telling your friends, I hope that is your friends in recovery. Never leave them out of what is going on, your friends are there to support and be there for you when you need them most, like now. Everyone has forward and backwards steps that they take, tomorrow is a new day!

todd6138

Yeah its cool to work an honest program and start over and ask for help, and I believe completely in the program, but beating yourself up is something ive experienced. For me, I don't owe too many people an apology or explanation, there are amends to make and possible consequences to endure. but i refuse to take myself out to town square for a public flogging in the rooms of recovery. If people have something negative to say to me heck with em period.

muvinon

I wish you well. I am sure that you will learn from this experience, and what I have heard repeatedly is that the best way to handle this is to stay honest, go listen and determine what you did not do or stopped doing that worked.

Louise82

Thinking of you kathryn.

kathryn1

some will power, mostly through my faith and friends

kathryn1

my friends that got it out of me are not recovering addicts or alcoholics but know how important it is for me to stay clean and sober. they've both dealt with similar issues in their parents and even though they dont have the personal experience of addiction they are my 2 best friends in the world.

UncleMeat69

I did that too and got drunk.

Then nearly 3 decades ago I was walked thru the steps
and the urge to drink was completely removed and has
never returned. No human power relieved me from my
illness, including my own, only HP which I discovered somewhere in the
middle of Step 9. I keep my recovery by doing 10, 11 & 12 on a regular basis.
I pray you find what I found - it is there for you in Chapter 5.

AdarOne

I'm curious to what you believe the spiritual illness is?

muvinon

Willpower never worked for me.