dmsc

I have been with Recovering Alcoholic for 1 1/2 years and he is about to propose marriage. I'm wanted to get married but always have nagging feelings. He hasn't had a drink in a two and 1/2 years. He has made many changes/ improvements in his life. Has done a year long rehab program and has held a steady job for 1 1/2. I entered his life as a friend when he was still drinking and offered and ended up driving him to rehab. After the year of rehab was almost up we started dating. My issues are with his temper and victim mentality. It's always someone else's fault or he gets anger and says mean things or blames me. I grew up in a sheltered environment- type b men- calm and quiet. No swearing, yelling. I have told him that I won't stand for this and tried to end the relationship when he started this last again last week but he apologized and we quickly reconciled. He rarely spends time with his family or my family and whines and complains when he has to. Selfish behavior, which usually some how comes back to being my fault. Also I have payed for most everything since the moment we met. I have been blunt with him about how bad he is with money and told him debts need to be payed off before buying stuff. I have stopped giving him money and will only pay for meals if he always pays for some. I worry about combining our finances. He also gets his dad to pay for things in sneaky ways- hints oh I have no money cuz I'm saving up for her engagement ring. My question is should I marry this man? I just hear and see so many awful relationships and don't want that for myself. He does have a good heart and usually treats me kindly. He thinks he treats me like a queen Is this just how some men act?

Leana

dmsc- This advice would be the same if he was or wasn't a recovering A.

I have been married for 27 years, if you have any doubts, ANY doubts what-so-ever, please say no. The early months, or years of a marriage is the "honeymoon" phase, if you are having issues at a time when it should be all "rosey", just think what it will be like in 10 years. Granted most happy marriages get better with age, but rocky marriages usually get worse with age.

I am one of those people who believes that if you have even an ounce about doubt- about whether your partner's value system, ethics, or temperament is not compatible with your own, SAY NO. To me, those are in traits where the gap grows wide as the years go on, and ones that rarely change in either person.

MissFixit

Hi

whether or not to marry someone is highly personal and depends on many factors.
how do you view marriage?
what are your expectations?
religion?
children?
money?
love?

these are the items that i pick out from your post:
his temper and victim mentality
it's always someone else's fault
blames you
you tried to end the relationship
selfish behavior
you pay for everything
bad with money
worry about combining finances
gets dad to pay for things

yes, some men do act like that, but not all men act like that.

Kassie2

First - I am glad you posted here.

Nagging feelings have a reason behind them.

DRinking has stopped but no recovery as in anger and blaming others remain core issues that you are uncomfortable with.

Do you like spending time with your family or have strong feelings that family is important?

Do you want someone who you trust to manage money jointly? Or do you feel that it is important to share money and trust your partner to manage money responsiblty?

Does he really treat you like a queen? or is that something he does when we wants something from you or something that is inconsistent?

I ask these questions to encourage and support you in being clear about his behavior, your values vs his values as you obviously have questions about whether he is someone you want him to be.

Read the material here to add up your info with others.

I personally really got what I wanted some of the time from my exah. His behavior and reactions were mercurial. Drinking was a constant and when he stopped, relapses were often. He didn't like other relationships with others. Blamed me often undeservingly. He was selfish much of the time. There is much more to say but I just wanted to point out things you expressed as a starting point to
"think" Too many things dont add up to positive factors that will lead to a long happy relationship called marriage. Take your time to sort things out.

NWGRITS

My rule of thumb is, if you have to say, "I love him, but..." or "I want to marry him, but..." then don't do it. There should be no "but," no "only if," no reservations whatsoever. If you don't accept that person, warts and all, you don't need to be marrying them. Someone gave me that advice before my first wedding, and I didn't listen. I walked down the aisle knowing I was going to end up divorced. And I did.

Stung

I agree with the above. There were probably a lot of warning signs that I missed during the 7 years that hubby and I were dating and subsequently engaged, but the majority of the time we were pretty damn happy. If you're not blissfully happy now, then this isn't the guy for you. If your relationship is entering this kind of territory then do yourself the favor of having a talk about your long term relationship potential now so you're not caught off guard or pressured because he has a ring in his hand. I never, NEVER for a second envisioned my charming, intelligent, funny and romantic boyfriend turning out to be such a selfish and toxic husband/father.

CarryOn

I agree with the other posters...if this is the best your relationship will ever be (and likely this is the best), are you/will you be happy with it? Personally, I'm reading way too many red flags.

Before you make a decision, I would strongly suggest that you learn about alcoholism. It's great that he is not drinking now, but it sounds like he is a "dry drunk" as he continues to exhibit many of the alcoholic behaviors even though he is no longer drinking. Something that I did not know when I married my RAH is that this disease will always be a part of his life, and in turn, always a part of my life. Learn about the disease, attend AlAnon meetings, read & post here at SR. You will be better off if you know what you are really dealing with.

Seren

Well, the only piece of advice I can offer is this. My general rule of thumb is, if I find myself trying to talk myself into marrying someone---it's probably not a good idea for me at that time.

dmsc

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I'm not going into marriage with blinders on. I want to anticipate where we have issues and discuss them or worry about them now. I have been to some alanon meetings and have a friend married to an ah who has given insight. The 'dry drunk' behavior I am aware of....is he. I'm not sure. In the lady year his behavior has improved and is way if dealing with people and is temper continues to improve. I knew from the get go this was a changing situation to get into. Is it true that you should have no doubts when marrying someone? Especially an alcoholic? Doesn't that come with the territory?

AnvilheadII

Is it true that you should have no doubts when marrying someone? Especially an alcoholic? Doesn't that come with the territory?

he hasn't HAD a drink in 2.5 years. you aren't dealing with drunken behaviors, this is him SOBER.

if nothing else, the fact that YOU pay for everything, he can't manage money, he has an enabling father who kicks him cash is a big red flag.....marriage is a legally binding contract - like a business. you would thoroughly vet any partner to make sure that they are sound and are bringing something to the table. he can't even pay for the damn ring.

what's the rush? why now?

Stung

I had zero doubts when I married my husband. Hindsight, the ideal partner has no familial baggage and zero issues with self confidence and independence and no addictive qualities. I knew that alcoholism was prominent in AH's family and while I would never wish away my children with him, I do wish I hadn't married him. I think you have somewhat of a crystal ball here in so much that you already know what your BF's tendencies are.

Anna

I think it's safe to say that stopping drinking isn't necessarily the end of the issues. If you're unsure of this man, then say, No. Take some more time to think things over and see how the relationship works.

cynical one

Marriage = a legal contract where ALL of his debts become yours, and 1/2 of your assets become his.

Stung

P.S. even under ideal circumstances, marriages and subsequently parenthood take a lot of work. A lot of thoughtful, graceful, constant work and a huge helping of humor. If your relationship isn't 50/50 right now, then I'd say you're better off waking away.

Florence

If he stayed like this for the duration of your marriage, could you live exactly like this and be happy for the next thirty years?

You're anticipating improvement in his attitude and behavior, because... Based on what? What is he doing to mitigate his selfishness and bad attitude? How is he working toward improving his finances? Is he consistent and steadfast or are you having to bug him every step of the way?

I always ask what it is about us that sees selfish addicts as ideal partners in the first place. Why is this guy the one? And especially, why is he the one when you can still see him manipulating people (including you) for money and you're the dumping ground for his emotions?

Kat60

It's good that you are questioning these things now.

If one of your best girlfriends came to you with this list of concerns, what in your objective view of the situation would you advise???

As has been mentioned here already, this is his "sober" self. Should (god forbid) a relapse occur down the road, (which can happen) these things that are of concern to you now in his sobriety can and likely will magnify ten-fold...

I don't think it is time yet for you to commit to all that marriage and family entails until you are much more certain than you are right now...

I wish you the best. It isn't an easy decision to make, but I am glad you are reaching out for answers now!

K

Seren

I guess there are two sides to this just as there are two of you thinking about getting married. For me it would boil down to this:

Is he working a strong program (whatever that looks like for him)? Has he been open, transparent, and humble about his past use? Have there been any recent signs of a slip?

Could I leave him alone to work his program his way? Would I constantly be hounding him and pestering him with questions about his recovery? Could I allow myself to relax and be happy knowing that there is always a chance of relapse for any alcoholic or addict?

I do wish you and your possible, soon-to-be fiance much happiness!

dandylion

dmsc---Anything that is a problem in a relationship before marriage---becomes a GIANT honkin problem after the marriage. You cannot change him.

Lady Diana had misgivings before her marriage---and ignored them because their towels for the palace had already been monogramed. Wow--did she ever make a mistake!!!
And she was marrying a prince--and he isn't even an alcoholic!

It is easy to get married---but, if you read some of the stories, here on the forum---it is He** to get out of it. The most important thing of all---if you have children it turns a bad situation into a Catastrophy for the innocent.

dandylion

lillamy

I can tell you that I had lots of doubts. Matter of fact, when AXH proposed to me, part of the reason I said yes was that I was afraid of how he would react if I said no.

I said yes. Married him against my doubts. That was the beginning of 20 years of increasing hell, isolation, and abuse.

Your situation could be different.
But if your life really something you want to gamble with?

I will tell my children: if you have even the slightest doubt, don't do it.

marie1960

I had to reread your post three times,


so he's selfish, quick tempered, mismanages money, you pay for everything, and he is cheap, ...........AND he "thinks" he treats you like a queen.

my two cents.............

A big hell NO !