A ring is on the way. What to do?

Old 12-14-2013, 09:14 PM
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On the positive side, it sounds like he's really doing well with staying sober. No drinking, a job, and active in the program. You can't argue with those stats.

However, it sounds like perhaps he still hasn't "figured himself out", for lack of a better term. Often times, for people like this, marriage seems like a good idea. If a man still is having problems with his life, he might think that a wife will automatically fill those holes. Sometimes women get married for the exact same reasons (heck, maybe more often). Things not going perfectly in life? Get married, and all of your prayers will be answered!

In my case, when my alcoholism was at its worst and things were taking a downturn....I went and got a ring for my girlfriend! I wasn't happy in life, and thought perhaps this type of commitment would set me straight. Now, luckily I never proposed (I had a little common sense left). I definitely saw marriage as a "life raft" for my situation and I knew that wasn't right.

Alas, it sounds like maybe he's planning on asking you for the wrong reasons. The right time for a man to ask is when he is feeling strong, secure, and interested in adding someone to help him grow. But if he is still struggling, he might be asking you because he feels that putting a ring on your finger might solve some of his problems. If that's the case, you might be best off saying "no".
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Old 12-14-2013, 09:23 PM
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I was on my phone earlier, but I wanted to come back and post a bit more now that I'm on a computer. You've gotten some great insight here. And as another person said, even without him being an A, I'd say run. Sure, some guys are "just like that." And they're losers. They don't have to be addicts to be crappy guys. And crappy guys make crappy husbands. He isn't going to magically change because you get married. If anything, those cracks in your relationship are going to be magnified.

Also, creditors will start coming after YOU to make good on HIS debts. That's fun, lemme tell ya. I didn't know until I married my ex-husband, that he owed the government $40,000 from a contract bonus he received and then failed to fulfill the contract. I had earmarked our tax refund for other things that needed taking care of, and it all got eaten by his debts. I was LIVID. Then the whole thing started unraveling. He was so in debt and I was on the hook for all of it because I was his wife. Are you ready for that?
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Old 12-14-2013, 10:14 PM
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Originally Posted by bigsombrero View Post
On the positive side, it sounds like he's really doing well with staying sober. No drinking, a job, and active in the program. You can't argue with those stats. However, it sounds like perhaps he still hasn't "figured himself out", for lack of a better term. Often times, for people like this, marriage seems like a good idea. If a man still is having problems with his life, he might think that a wife will automatically fill those holes. Sometimes women get married for the exact same reasons (heck, maybe more often). Things not going perfectly in life? Get married, and all of your prayers will be answered! In my case, when my alcoholism was at its worst and things were taking a downturn....I went and got a ring for my girlfriend! I wasn't happy in life, and thought perhaps this type of commitment would set me straight. Now, luckily I never proposed (I had a little common sense left). I definitely saw marriage as a "life raft" for my situation and I knew that wasn't right. Alas, it sounds like maybe he's planning on asking you for the wrong reasons. The right time for a man to ask is when he is feeling strong, secure, and interested in adding someone to help him grow. But if he is still struggling, he might be asking you because he feels that putting a ring on your finger might solve some of his problems. If that's the case, you might be best off saying "no".
Thank you for your thoughts.
When you said he should be asking because he's interested in adding someone to help him grow and he feels strong, secure. I believe that is how he feels.
It's just if I feel the same way
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Old 12-14-2013, 10:19 PM
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Right now, it sounds like its as good as its going to get with him.

Add all the requirements of good marriage: commitment, sacrifice, communication, honesty, disclosure, patience, consideration, finance, shared goals, children, etc and to someone who is not ready, this all spells PRESSURE.

Do you really think he can fullfill just this sticky note 'to do' list? And this is only a sampling of what will be expected of him by you.

Don't go half baked into your vows of 'till death do us part' with this guy. It cheapens your word for someone that you will find that you can make it happen with.
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Old 12-15-2013, 12:04 AM
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Why are you even still dating him, let alone thinking about marrying him?!
Get out now while the getting is good I'd say.
But keep coming & reading here ... the fact you're dating him & are thinking about marrying him means you need to be working really hard on you. And this is a great place to do that
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Old 12-15-2013, 02:57 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post

these are the items that i pick out from your post:
his temper and victim mentality
it's always someone else's fault
blames you
you tried to end the relationship
selfish behavior
you pay for everything
bad with money
worry about combining finances
gets dad to pay for things
This. Please read through the list and ask yourself if this is what you want. If it was me, with the experience I have now, I would run. Fast and far away.
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Old 12-15-2013, 03:13 AM
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I echo others re only say yes if you have NO doubts whatsoever. And I am saying this having now been married twice and having been let down both times. I wish you the absolute best.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:00 AM
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If it bothers you now, multiply by 10 after a year of marriage.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by dmsc View Post
My issues are with his temper and victim mentality. It's always someone else's fault or he gets anger and says mean things or blames me.
Hi DMSC. Plenty of red flags in your post, however this one really stood out. This is the #1 thing that us alcoholics are known for. Never our fault and if pointed out to us that it is, we turn it around and make it seem like it is your fault!

We are notorious for finding people that will look after us and do things for us.

Money issues are also a bad sign and what is worse is that now he is blaming it on getting you an engagement ring. See the blame pattern starting here?

As an alcoholic I can tell you that I will always be one drink away from the dark side. Being with me isn't for the faint of heart I like to say! I have many issues I am still dealing with.

Are you prepared for any relapses he might have? Recovery takes pretty well the rest of your life when you are us. We didn't get this way overnight and we certainly don't get better mentally overnight. It isn't something that just goes away and never returns. There is no cure for it and no guarantees.

I would certainly give it lots of time and thought before you make a lifetime commitment with this person. Deep down your gut is telling you something or you wouldn't be posting here.

Find someone who is your equal in life, not someone who may be expecting you to carry the whole load. This is just my honest opinion.
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:58 AM
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My ex-husband had a temper and a victim mentality, too. Notice he is my ex....

The man I am married to now is nothing like my ex. The difference to me is maturity. My husband is an adult, my ex is a teenager in a man's body.
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Seren View Post
My ex-husband had a temper and a victim mentality, too. Notice he is my ex.... The man I am married to now is nothing like my ex. The difference to me is maturity. My husband is an adult, my ex is a teenager in a man's body.
Yes I always say that he acts like a teenager. It's like a running joke. I have had no other long term serious relationships and think maybe there's no one else.
Also I'm a teacher. I take care of kids all day and so take on taking care of him.
It's like I'm his mother because I so badly want to be a mother. And I think this might be my one and only shot.
I think deep down I don't believe I deserve better
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:20 AM
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Oh, but you do....you do deserve better!
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:21 AM
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Originally Posted by dmsc View Post
I think deep down I don't believe I deserve better
I am always so sad to read this sort of thing when I come to this forum. It truly breaks my heart because we ALL deserve the best things in life. Especially for those who put with our ridiculous and horrible behaviour!
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:24 AM
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dmsc---as a teacher, you must recognize that the worst thing you can do to your children is pick the wrong person for their father. I know that this might sound harsh--but, it is soo very true,

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Old 12-15-2013, 05:33 AM
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When in doubt, dont.
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Old 12-15-2013, 05:42 AM
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Your story reminds me so much of my own. I, too, did not date much. When I realized that my now ex was going to propose, I had very similar reservations about marrying him. After the divorce was finalized, I became very honest with myself....the main reason I married him--inertia.

I felt like all the momentum was moving in that direction, that I did not want to make a scene or rock the boat, that I would feel too guilty hurting him if he cared enough about me to ask me to marry him. And so I did marry him, in spite of my reservations. The week before the wedding, I had a horrible, nightmarish dream about he and I that I think was my subconcious throwing out a last ditch effort to stop the wedding, but I went ahead anyway.

If you really have deep-down reservations about your boyfriend, please heed them. Please don't spend your 20's and 30's the way that I did, having a marriage that was not with an equal partner but with an immature "teenager" who I felt I had to "mother".
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:30 AM
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hi

there are many other people out there. many who will not be alcoholics and who will treat you better than he does.

there is a phrase that goes something like, "i would rather be alone than be wishing i was."

what if instead of marrying him you start fresh in the new year by working on yourself? maybe a little therapy? try things you have aways wanted to try.
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Old 12-15-2013, 06:46 AM
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Don't do it.
You do deserve better but if you take yourself
off the market you will never find it, and you will
be dealing with being a mother without the satisfaction of having a child.

Or you will have a child and then have two to care for.
No fun, as many parents here will tell you.

Please trust your heart and don't get deeper in.
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Old 12-15-2013, 09:16 AM
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Yes I always say that he acts like a teenager. It's like a running joke. I have had no other long term serious relationships and think maybe there's no one else.
Also I'm a teacher. I take care of kids all day and so take on taking care of him.
It's like I'm his mother because I so badly want to be a mother. And I think this might be my one and only shot.

ALL THE WRONG REASONS TO MARRY ANYONE.
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Old 12-15-2013, 09:29 PM
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Thank you for all your advice.
I'm thinking this over carefully and listening to all your wise words. I'm asking/ calling him on some of his behaviors. He is upset and frustrated with what I'm saying but is not yelling or hanging up the phone on me but I'm bringing up my concerns until he hears all what I have to saw. It's not easy but I know it must be done. It's just hard to trust someone who doesn't follow through with what they say. And I'm no saint either, I nag and I'm emotional.
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