SpunkyKisses

Why hello all(: You can call me Aila! I will tell you my story!

My father was a drug dealer and my mother is mentally handicapped (Autistic and scytzo (My best spelling lol) I didn't have a terrible child hood but It was a rough one. I have been in foster care and all that jazz. I love my parents very much and while they know I'm addicted opiates they don't know how bad I've gotten.

I hated taking anything, including drugs prescribed to me, Until my daddy was locked up when I was 16. On my 16th birthday I smoked some pot&& continues to smoke afterwards. I started hanging out with my neighbor when I moved (age 16) and I tried pills. I would snort 7-8 at a time and feel wonderful everyday. I thought "I will never get addicted!" I did them just for fun until recently

I got with a guy who was hooked on pills 10 months ago. I tried shooting up a roxy for the first time and loved it! I started IV'ing what I could and taking what I couldn't. At first, I didn't like the high from heroin. Then all of a sudden it changed. For the past 4 months I have been doing between .5-2 grams of heroin a day. We have just recently decided to quit. We got in this together, we're going to get out together.

I have been sober for 2 days. Yesterday was rough. I cried all day and begged for him to try and get something. He kept saying no. Today I feel a little better. I have mood swings&& It hot flashed but the Suboxone I started 2 days ago seems to have gotten rid of everything else. I get depressed. I'm constantly stuck at home with my son watching dora and making sippy cups. I feel like if I had some nice friends to hang out with that didn't get high or somewhere to go (Like a job) then I wouldn't be so stur crazy. I have no friends. It's me and my love<3 I feel like I just need someone to talk to that isn't in this personally. You know what I mean? Talking to him doesn't seem to quite do it because we're in this together. I need an outside source. I would love to make friends! I'm an 18 year old, female, with two small boys. I Just need someone to vent to and help support me through this. I'm used to having something numb my mind everyday. I feel like I'm going crazy being clear headed...

Stilltrecking

Well here is a fantastic outlet where you can meet people like your self, i too am a young opiate addict on day 35 and starting to feel better. If i could give you a little advice, don't expect too much right off the bat. What i mean by this is that you won't just magically feel better in a week. You will feel considerably better in probably 2-3 and feel almost normal, but to really get out of this hole can take months even to years! I am not saying that to scare you, it just needs to be a real thought. I will give you some good news though as someone your age who has been through this twice now. One is that even though you may not feel 100% after 2-3 weeks, you will begin to enjoy life even if it is turbulent. So don't think that when i say recovery from PAWS (you should research PAWS if you don't know what it is) will be all terrible. You will have mood swings, crushing lethargy, feeling like you want to go back for some energy, but you will also have an increasing amount of happiness, natural euphoria, and optimism the longer you stay clean. The other good news is that you are young and weren't addicted for that long. So you may heal from PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome) considerably faster than others. for me i was told 6 months to a year before I would have any kind of steady happiness. I found that it was about three months before I really started loving life and enjoying every day. Also look into AA or NA, I know it sounds dumb but you have free time and there is no shame in it whatsoever. And it is a fantastic place to meet people who are on the same road you are.

Drummer

I am just past day 40 off opiates. I used clonidine instead of suboxone. But, the PAWS stuff seems to be pretty universal with everyone.

You are going to have ups and downs, but you will start to feel normal, and even happy in larger and larger intervals. Some times you will think you are not getting better, but if you are not using, believe me, you ARE getting better. You have to remind yourself sometimes of the bigger picture, and doing what is right for your future in the long term.

Eating healthier, doing minimal exercise, listening to music, are ways that help me feel better.

It is such a relief to not be worried about opiates all the time.

It is not going to be easy, but you can do it, constantly trying to escape from life is no way to live life.

SpunkyKisses

Thank you for posting; It seems like each day is a little better. The first day was the worst D: I really feel like if I had something to occupy my time it wouldn't seem so bad... I sit at home all day and all I have to think about is how amazing it would feel to get high. I've always hated my life and didn't realize how much better it would be high. When I started getting high it made a world of difference. Now, I don't have it&& its killing me. I'm a very paranoid person. (I think what if so and so happened and I obsess over it. I cried when someone asked what I'd do if my kids where in a zombie apocolypse. While I know it isn't possible, I still panicked.) I think about it, then fixate on it. How do I get past that?

deeker

NA meetings. Tons of young people too! Bring your boys and some coloring books. No one cares.

SpunkyKisses

I used earlier. I feel like a failure. My dealer (I can't find H where I live so I drive 45 Minutes away to get it) called and said he had a deal... I went and got 1.9 grams... Hell, I'm high now... So, with the sound of Dora in the background I'm staring at the wall praying they don't drug test me tomorrow or Wednesday! (I have group meetings for the sub clinic and I have a one on one session once a month with counseler once a month) If she does, what do I tell her so they don't cut me off my suboxone?

Drummer

I dont know what the rules are for your suboxone program, but I would be open and honest with your doctor. Tell him/her exactly what you have been going through, that way they can better help you with your specific needs.

You relapsed, it happens, what you must do now is get right back on track. Lying to your doctor about exactly what you are being treated for is not the right path.

SpunkyKisses

I'm scared now... When I was doing it I was like "No, she isn't going to drug test me." and now that's all I can think about... I'm terrified. I shouldn't have done it. I knew I had an apt today. I'm hoping she will understand..

Drummer

Failing a drug test is just one of the many reasons to get clean. Being truthful to your doctor is very important to your recovery.

northbelle

I feel your pain sweetie. I was a young mom with a serious addiction too and it was horrible. In our using we set the bar so high for what feeling good looks and feels like so when we are not high we are way low. It takes a long time for your natural endorphins to kick in and start producing some feel good chemicals on its own.
It is what it is . You used . That's what addicts Do. I mean I am sure she is not going to be surprised. Let the chips fall where they may and be honest is my best suggestion. Keep fillin the sippy cups !! Parenting for me as a addict was a nightmare although I did not THINK I affected my kids . They are grown now and will be the first to say how much my using took from them. I am not tryin to stress you out..Just KEEp trying..even if you fall..get up again.
Can I ask you a question? What are the reasons you want to get clean?
Keep posting ok even if you get high DON"T give up on ok?
love ya lil mama
norty

PS-my drug of choice was heroin and opiates as well....Im 50 now and its still a struggle with the pills sometimes but using is just no fun anymore at all...believe me the good feeling will completely go away after awhile..post back ok? Ill be lookin for ya1

SpunkyKisses

She drug tested me. I knew she would. I told her the truth and she told me that dealers would do that. I went from spending 80-300$ with my dealer EVERYDAY to not calling. When he called and gave me a good deal thats when they try to bring you back in. I understand from his point of view; where'd my money go? I told him I wasn't using after I got out of my meeting and he seemed to accept that and he even wished me luck! I felt a lot better after talking to her. My cousler is a wonderful woman. she seems to think I'm emotionally damaged bad. It went from seeing her privately once a month to every week... But I think with her help and you guys wonderful support I can get through it! Thank you all for being here for me(: Complete strangers seem to support me more than my friends and family around me!

Drummer

Through my cell phone company, I was able to block phone numbers of anyone that could get me something. Even though both of them were old friends. I told them why I had to do it.

But if this person is just a dealer/salesman, then I could see how some could be really motivated after loosing a daily customer like that. Ignoring the dealer all together will let him know you are no longer a customer.

Twofish

Hi Alia, Yu have a very understanding and compassionate counselor! My Heroin/opiate addicted daughter had to sign a drug contract, she is in a Methadone Clinic, she has to get her dose everyday at 5:30am, she has no car, just a little moped here in Wisconsin. Also is a full time student. Been an addict for about a year, on Methadone for a month. They straight out told her and all the people at this clinic, if you have a dirty urine you are removed from the practice, kicked out. They drug test her almost every day. One night she took a Benadryl to help her sleep, that showed up and she almost got kicked out! Luckily they believed her, but are watching her. She is very lonely, has only a few friends at that, all the rest still use so she has chosen to steer clear of them. Soon it will be snowy and very cold here in Wisconsin, I cried the other day thinking about her getting her Methadone, just to keep these beasts of w/ds at bay. I pray she won't relasp. She wanted to go the sub route but the wait was 3 months. The city she goes to school in (Madison) has become very drug infested. Anyway, kiddo, be strong, be honest, know your consequences. Maintainence drugs are used for a purpose and not to be abused or misused. Next time, call someone, a friend, your Dr. go online and post to us. Support is your best friend right now. Keep the boundaries with the boyfriend, mostly welcome to SR, we are a great family. Maybe see ya at a meeting? That's another form of support and loneliness, you are not alone. Hugs and good thoughts coming your way! TF

Marcus

Hey Twofish. I am not calling your daughter a liar, but my experience with methadone clinics is they rarely test more than once a week and usually once a month which is the requirement in most states so cheating is not all that hard if you time it right. Also not sure what drug test would show Benadryl. OTC meds are rarely tested for. It would seem to me it was probably a Benzo which they are very cautious of since taking Benzo's and Methadone at the same time can be quite dangerous. Clinics are trying to make money like other businesses and since they have to pay for the drug tests they usually keep testing to a minimum. Also never heard of a clinic where if you fail a test you are kicked out - again they are trying to make money. You definitely would lose your take homes and if you continue to test positive (like 3 months in a row) they might eventually detox you, but if you are testing positive for opiates they usually will continue to dose you unless you come in looking high. If you test positive for benzos I could see them detoxing you. Problem is a lot of H is cut with benzos so that factors into it too.

Again not trying to be rude. Just giving you my experience. It is obviously up to your daughter to manage her own recovery, but it sounds pretty over the top and has not been my experience. I can only imagine how hard it is to be a parent dealing with an addict child. I have young kids and can't imagine. I feel terrible for all I have put my parents through and try not to worry them too much. Take Care!!!

Twofish

Thanks Marcus, I proubly should start my own thread instead of hogging Alias. Is Methadone always given in a liquid form? When kids say they have to do something a lot, they sometimes exaggerate, she/I pay $220/two weeks for the methadone and counseling. Never thought that the H was cut with benzo, that would make sense. She can only have one take home dose per week, on Sundays only, since they are closed on Sundays, she has this lock box they put it in. Does Methaodne come in pill form? So many questions...sorry Marcus I'm so new. She wants to switch to Subs will that be wise? I should just PM you, this isn't fair to Alia or you. Anyway thanks if you see this. TF

Marcus

Two fish I will post over on your other thread you started in the methadone forum so not to get this one any more off track.

Sorry about that Spunky! Let's get this back on track. So glad you were honest with your counselor. I guess since she tested you maybe you didn't have much of a choice, but you fessed up and that is the important thing. So how are you doing? Are you back on track? Definitely need to do something about the dealer because he will be calling again and you might think you can say no now, but trust me H is a tricky one. You can be fully committed one minute and going to score the next.