detachment and what next?
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detachment and what next?
Hello all: I had a previous thread "new with questions" but decided to start a new one on this topic.
I have been married almost 1 year (Feb) to my husband. We are in our late 40's. My first marriage lasted 25 years and substance abuse was never an issue.
My current husband and I date 3 years before we married. He told me about his drug use in the early months of our dating. He was sober for 10-11 years at the time. He had hit bottom hard and decided he was sick of his life. I asked him questions and felt satisfied that this was his past. I know the addicts relapse but I figured he's been sober for a good number of years.
Sober but not in recovery! I know the difference now.
So long story short...caught him using his DOC-meth in our home (2 months ago). Of course swore it was the first time (in all of these years) and "it was given to him." I told him I was looking for him to do something action based to prove that he was doing something different.....I told him if he used again then he was out of the house. I also said "I will be looking at your behaviors and not running around like a guard trying to catch you messing up."
Last week his behaviors were avoidance and disconnection (emotional). It was against the nature of our relationship. I questioned him and he denied (of course). I had him take a drug test and it was positive for meth.
He left the same day to his moms (enabler/shelter giver/food giver). His drug addict brother lives there also and is his source (I suspect).
So...he's out. He's not saying much to me (over the phone). He does work alot and I am not contacting him. He tells me he WANTS to contact his HR dept for help, etc.
I am leaving him alone as his actions are important.
I am having a hard time deciding what next? I am living my life albeit heartbroken. Some part of me is saying cut bait and move on......Another part or me is to give him time to come into his own sobriety and recovery.
Life is to short. I don't want to be in this place for another year. Any suggestions on how to view things or what you did for yourself after your loved one left? I have kids with S.A. issues and could detach but you can't divorce your kids. This has me stumped.
I have been married almost 1 year (Feb) to my husband. We are in our late 40's. My first marriage lasted 25 years and substance abuse was never an issue.
My current husband and I date 3 years before we married. He told me about his drug use in the early months of our dating. He was sober for 10-11 years at the time. He had hit bottom hard and decided he was sick of his life. I asked him questions and felt satisfied that this was his past. I know the addicts relapse but I figured he's been sober for a good number of years.
Sober but not in recovery! I know the difference now.
So long story short...caught him using his DOC-meth in our home (2 months ago). Of course swore it was the first time (in all of these years) and "it was given to him." I told him I was looking for him to do something action based to prove that he was doing something different.....I told him if he used again then he was out of the house. I also said "I will be looking at your behaviors and not running around like a guard trying to catch you messing up."
Last week his behaviors were avoidance and disconnection (emotional). It was against the nature of our relationship. I questioned him and he denied (of course). I had him take a drug test and it was positive for meth.
He left the same day to his moms (enabler/shelter giver/food giver). His drug addict brother lives there also and is his source (I suspect).
So...he's out. He's not saying much to me (over the phone). He does work alot and I am not contacting him. He tells me he WANTS to contact his HR dept for help, etc.
I am leaving him alone as his actions are important.
I am having a hard time deciding what next? I am living my life albeit heartbroken. Some part of me is saying cut bait and move on......Another part or me is to give him time to come into his own sobriety and recovery.
Life is to short. I don't want to be in this place for another year. Any suggestions on how to view things or what you did for yourself after your loved one left? I have kids with S.A. issues and could detach but you can't divorce your kids. This has me stumped.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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This may not be what you want to hear, but he is an addict and always will be. He may not always be an active drug user, but he is an addict. Even if he gets sober again, he has to follow up with therapy, meetings, a sponsor, FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. The minute he stops doing that, he is setting himself up to relapse again.
I knew this when I married my husband. There was always the chance that he would relapse, and he did, and has hit rock bottom again. I'm just at a point where I will not accept drug abuse in my home or in my life. I will not go through all of this pain again. If he goes to rehab, gets clean, and begins to recover from this I won't leave the relationship. But if he doesn't continue his recovery, he will slip again, I won't be there afterwards.
Just ask yourself if you are willing to accept him relapsing again, even if he cleans up? What if he does relapse again? Are you willing to stay in the relationship then? Will you be able to be in a relationship with him even if you know that any day could be the day he uses again? That's the hard part. Once you have the answer to those questions it will be easier for you to decide if you will stay or go.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
I knew this when I married my husband. There was always the chance that he would relapse, and he did, and has hit rock bottom again. I'm just at a point where I will not accept drug abuse in my home or in my life. I will not go through all of this pain again. If he goes to rehab, gets clean, and begins to recover from this I won't leave the relationship. But if he doesn't continue his recovery, he will slip again, I won't be there afterwards.
Just ask yourself if you are willing to accept him relapsing again, even if he cleans up? What if he does relapse again? Are you willing to stay in the relationship then? Will you be able to be in a relationship with him even if you know that any day could be the day he uses again? That's the hard part. Once you have the answer to those questions it will be easier for you to decide if you will stay or go.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
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Addiction is a life long disease.
Relapse happens, The important part is they get back up on the wagon and work a program. (but it must be their choice)
This is a choice you must make on your own. Sometimes it is your choice that makes them hit bottom or not.
Relapse happens, The important part is they get back up on the wagon and work a program. (but it must be their choice)
This is a choice you must make on your own. Sometimes it is your choice that makes them hit bottom or not.
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I keep going over, in my head, "do I want to do this the rest of my life."
No. I guess for me...disconnecting is difficult as our marriage was so new and you never think a crisis will hit so early. Plus, it's not like I've been through this before like some of you. The relapse and then recovery and then relapse, etc.
He has some medical issues-bad lab tests that he is supposed to see a few specialist to determine what is going on. He thinks it's bad-liver wise. I
I guess I will wait until November when he has his appointment to determine what is up health wise. I then will figure out then...if I file for divorce or what?
My heart is hurting but I understand that relapse is always a possibility. I won't wait around forever or a year or 6 months.......It's to difficult to have "hope."
No. I guess for me...disconnecting is difficult as our marriage was so new and you never think a crisis will hit so early. Plus, it's not like I've been through this before like some of you. The relapse and then recovery and then relapse, etc.
He has some medical issues-bad lab tests that he is supposed to see a few specialist to determine what is going on. He thinks it's bad-liver wise. I
I guess I will wait until November when he has his appointment to determine what is up health wise. I then will figure out then...if I file for divorce or what?
My heart is hurting but I understand that relapse is always a possibility. I won't wait around forever or a year or 6 months.......It's to difficult to have "hope."
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Txhelp, I just wanted to say that I admire how realistically you are thinking this through. I have dated addicts, and it was SO hard to come down to reality and accept that I had to base my decisions on who my XBF was at the moment and not who I hoped he would be or thought he once was. Your posts inspire me to keep my eyes open. I know this must hurt terribly, but thanks for sharing your courage with the rest of us!
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Thank you jjj111!
I want a partner that cares about my needs. Someone dependable and makes me feel secure. So far...I felt that he did. The moment he picked up the pipe.....all bets are off. Now I feel he doesn't care one bit about me and everything was a lie.
I want a partner that cares about my needs. Someone dependable and makes me feel secure. So far...I felt that he did. The moment he picked up the pipe.....all bets are off. Now I feel he doesn't care one bit about me and everything was a lie.
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....I am thinking that many of us stay for the addicts potential.
What they were prior to relapse or what they can be after relapse.......
I've never knew my husband the active addict until the last few months. I have known him mostly in sobriety. So perhaps that is why I stay...the potential.
In most things/crisis in life...I say give it time. Don't put a date on it. As I get older, I don't have time, time, time. Life is to short to be disrespected and ignored.
Currently, I am married but not in a marriage. I haven't gone years through this process. I am not willing.
I guess I am just processing now.
What they were prior to relapse or what they can be after relapse.......
I've never knew my husband the active addict until the last few months. I have known him mostly in sobriety. So perhaps that is why I stay...the potential.
In most things/crisis in life...I say give it time. Don't put a date on it. As I get older, I don't have time, time, time. Life is to short to be disrespected and ignored.
Currently, I am married but not in a marriage. I haven't gone years through this process. I am not willing.
I guess I am just processing now.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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TXhelp,
Our one-year anniversary is on November 10, so I understand the difficulty of having to go through this so early in the relationship. Sometimes I feel like it is more difficult to make these types of decisions in such a new relationship, but then I look at the spouses who find out their husband/wife is abusing drugs after 10, 20 years of marriage - I can't imagine how devastating that would be. Not knowing for all those years? Or knowing that after 20 years of being sober, he/she relapsed? Wow, that has to be extremely difficult to process. So I guess when you are in love with someone, it is never easy to deal with this.
We all come to a point when we have had enough, when we just can't take any more drug abuse or insanity in our lives. I am very close to that point. My husband is in detox right now, about to go to an inpatient program, so I am not at that point just yet, and hopefully he will find the strength and desire to recover from his addiction, but can I do this for 5 more years? 10?
Hell no. I understand that recovery is a lifelong process, and that he will have to commit to staying clean for the rest of his life, but I know that I will not be able to endure another relapse. He knows it too. I love him with all of my heart, but I am not willing to sacrifice my own happiness if he is not willing to bust his ass to recover from this. It is wearing me down, and I know once I get to that point where I just can't take it anymore, I will leave the relationship. Again, I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I'll move on.
You too will come to a point when you have had enough. Maybe you are at that point right now? And that is okay. It's your life. No need to think in terms of "how long can I do this?". You will know when you are done with the insanity. I hope the best for you and for your husband. And if there is a way for the relationship to survive, it will. But if it doesn't, YOU WILL BE OKAY. Maybe not in a month, maybe not in a year, but eventually, you will be okay.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
Our one-year anniversary is on November 10, so I understand the difficulty of having to go through this so early in the relationship. Sometimes I feel like it is more difficult to make these types of decisions in such a new relationship, but then I look at the spouses who find out their husband/wife is abusing drugs after 10, 20 years of marriage - I can't imagine how devastating that would be. Not knowing for all those years? Or knowing that after 20 years of being sober, he/she relapsed? Wow, that has to be extremely difficult to process. So I guess when you are in love with someone, it is never easy to deal with this.
We all come to a point when we have had enough, when we just can't take any more drug abuse or insanity in our lives. I am very close to that point. My husband is in detox right now, about to go to an inpatient program, so I am not at that point just yet, and hopefully he will find the strength and desire to recover from his addiction, but can I do this for 5 more years? 10?
Hell no. I understand that recovery is a lifelong process, and that he will have to commit to staying clean for the rest of his life, but I know that I will not be able to endure another relapse. He knows it too. I love him with all of my heart, but I am not willing to sacrifice my own happiness if he is not willing to bust his ass to recover from this. It is wearing me down, and I know once I get to that point where I just can't take it anymore, I will leave the relationship. Again, I hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, I'll move on.
You too will come to a point when you have had enough. Maybe you are at that point right now? And that is okay. It's your life. No need to think in terms of "how long can I do this?". You will know when you are done with the insanity. I hope the best for you and for your husband. And if there is a way for the relationship to survive, it will. But if it doesn't, YOU WILL BE OKAY. Maybe not in a month, maybe not in a year, but eventually, you will be okay.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,
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Photoartist: Great post! It's good to have someone understand a new marriage and seeing all of the other spouse endure for 10+years of relapse/recovery.
Ugh. Our happiness is important. We don't want to be their mothers or CIA agents to them...we want our husbands!
I think we are on the same page PHOTO....However, yours is in rehab. Mine hasn't reached out and thus far hasn't tried to.....
Ugh. Our happiness is important. We don't want to be their mothers or CIA agents to them...we want our husbands!
I think we are on the same page PHOTO....However, yours is in rehab. Mine hasn't reached out and thus far hasn't tried to.....
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Have you grown and changed in the last ten years? Probably. Have you improved in that time? Hopefully. Are you a different person? Likely. Is your personality drastically different? Probably not.
Don't wait around for someone to change into something they aren't, that is not a likely outcome. But if you love him as he is now (because that is who he will continue to be) then maybe stick it out. Will a relapse damage you irreparably? Even if he gets sober, a relapse is likely, so decide how you feel about that. I was very willing to live with the occasional lapse for a very long time, until it came to a point where I was on my last go round, and I knew that there would be no more chances, that the next relapse would end it.
No one says you have to make your mind up forever today. You can choose something for today, choose anther thing tomorrow, and change your mind again next year. As long as you are making the choice that is in your heart you are making the right choice. And if your heart can't decide, that is a perfectly valid choice too. Not deciding is an option.
It's very hard to pick a path when the two options seem equally dark. It's ok to wait longer, till twilight and darkness yield to sunrise, illuminating the appropriate path. If you were lost in the woods in the dark, you might think it smart to wait until daylight to try to find your way, knowing that acting too soon might just make things worse. Maybe you just need more time.
It's hard. To wait, to leave, to stay. Sending you strength!
Don't wait around for someone to change into something they aren't, that is not a likely outcome. But if you love him as he is now (because that is who he will continue to be) then maybe stick it out. Will a relapse damage you irreparably? Even if he gets sober, a relapse is likely, so decide how you feel about that. I was very willing to live with the occasional lapse for a very long time, until it came to a point where I was on my last go round, and I knew that there would be no more chances, that the next relapse would end it.
No one says you have to make your mind up forever today. You can choose something for today, choose anther thing tomorrow, and change your mind again next year. As long as you are making the choice that is in your heart you are making the right choice. And if your heart can't decide, that is a perfectly valid choice too. Not deciding is an option.
It's very hard to pick a path when the two options seem equally dark. It's ok to wait longer, till twilight and darkness yield to sunrise, illuminating the appropriate path. If you were lost in the woods in the dark, you might think it smart to wait until daylight to try to find your way, knowing that acting too soon might just make things worse. Maybe you just need more time.
It's hard. To wait, to leave, to stay. Sending you strength!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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TXhelp,
My husband only reached out and asked for help last Saturday. He has been abusing drugs for 7+ years, and almost 4 of those years have been while we have been together. He has always known he has a serious problem, and he has gone to rehab before. He didn't continue working a program afterwards, and he relapsed. I guess at some point, he just gave up. He figured he would fail again even if he tried to stop using, so he just continued to use and dig himself even further into the hole he was already in.
Then he hit rock bottom, and that is when he asked for help. It took a very long time, but he finally surrendered, but his life in his Higher Power's hands, and let his HP guide him in the right direction. Hopefully he will stay on that path.
Maybe your husband lived the sober life for so long that he lost sight of the things that he must do to remain sober, to remain in recovery? I've seen this happen with many addicts, my husband included. When they clean up, and stay clean for a while, they forget that addiction is a lifelong process. They can't ever stop working the program. They have to stay focused on their sobriety for the rest of their lives. When life is good, we forget about the bad. And then it is that much easier for the bad to creep up and bite us in the ass!
Maybe your husband just fell off the wagon because he let go for a minute? Maybe the wagon hasn't rolled over him yet? Yeah, I have a unique way of making my point, but I bet you get what I am saying here, right? Maybe he just lost his way for a moment. Hopefully, that moment will be over soon and he will hop back on the wagon and drive it to an NA meeting or some type of treatment facility.
And if he doesn't, then I give you permission to hop on the wagon and run him over. LOL
My husband only reached out and asked for help last Saturday. He has been abusing drugs for 7+ years, and almost 4 of those years have been while we have been together. He has always known he has a serious problem, and he has gone to rehab before. He didn't continue working a program afterwards, and he relapsed. I guess at some point, he just gave up. He figured he would fail again even if he tried to stop using, so he just continued to use and dig himself even further into the hole he was already in.
Then he hit rock bottom, and that is when he asked for help. It took a very long time, but he finally surrendered, but his life in his Higher Power's hands, and let his HP guide him in the right direction. Hopefully he will stay on that path.
Maybe your husband lived the sober life for so long that he lost sight of the things that he must do to remain sober, to remain in recovery? I've seen this happen with many addicts, my husband included. When they clean up, and stay clean for a while, they forget that addiction is a lifelong process. They can't ever stop working the program. They have to stay focused on their sobriety for the rest of their lives. When life is good, we forget about the bad. And then it is that much easier for the bad to creep up and bite us in the ass!
Maybe your husband just fell off the wagon because he let go for a minute? Maybe the wagon hasn't rolled over him yet? Yeah, I have a unique way of making my point, but I bet you get what I am saying here, right? Maybe he just lost his way for a moment. Hopefully, that moment will be over soon and he will hop back on the wagon and drive it to an NA meeting or some type of treatment facility.
And if he doesn't, then I give you permission to hop on the wagon and run him over. LOL
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sevenofnine your post gives me comfort! I REALLY needed that...I want to cut bait and run; I want to give him a chance; I want to file for a divorce; and I want to remain separated as is....
The point of your post seems to allow myself to be ok with what I am feeling. It is indeed the roller coaster of emotions. The good news is that I will always protect myself as best that I can.
Photoartist: Yes, the wagon analogy that you used could be literal!!! LOL! Tempting. He never had recovery...just sobriety. He moved to another state, sobered up and moved on....Yes, a few AA/NA meetings. No rehab; No support system regarding his addiction issues. Sober 13 years without it-impressive.
He was honest during his sobriety...would mention things that he would smell that reminded him of his DOC-meth. Or he would say how he could pick the drug dealers out in a bar. However, when asking him about cravings or if he thought using...he said "no." He explained how miserable his life was before sobriety and how much he lost. He explained how much he gained during the last 13 years. He always told me.."I feel God rewarded me, with you, for my sobriety. I waited my whole life for you."
So sad.
The point of your post seems to allow myself to be ok with what I am feeling. It is indeed the roller coaster of emotions. The good news is that I will always protect myself as best that I can.
Photoartist: Yes, the wagon analogy that you used could be literal!!! LOL! Tempting. He never had recovery...just sobriety. He moved to another state, sobered up and moved on....Yes, a few AA/NA meetings. No rehab; No support system regarding his addiction issues. Sober 13 years without it-impressive.
He was honest during his sobriety...would mention things that he would smell that reminded him of his DOC-meth. Or he would say how he could pick the drug dealers out in a bar. However, when asking him about cravings or if he thought using...he said "no." He explained how miserable his life was before sobriety and how much he lost. He explained how much he gained during the last 13 years. He always told me.."I feel God rewarded me, with you, for my sobriety. I waited my whole life for you."
So sad.
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You have to decide if you are willing to ride through this because its a lifelong thing. Even if the addict stays sober you have deal with the issues they have that makes them that way in the first place. If you don't think you have the strength I say get out now it will be easier than later. If you decide to hang in there get strong as you can and be prepared to always be number two.
I'm not saying you can't have a beautiful life with a recovered addict because I do. I am saying its a LOT of work and deep commitment on both your parts to make that happen. So be very prepared and go in knowing.
Good luck with your decision and have confidence in your gut feeling. It's usually right!
I'm not saying you can't have a beautiful life with a recovered addict because I do. I am saying its a LOT of work and deep commitment on both your parts to make that happen. So be very prepared and go in knowing.
Good luck with your decision and have confidence in your gut feeling. It's usually right!
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My husband is still out of the home....I know he is using still.
He is maintaining his job and living with a trigger his younger addict brother. He is probably the source of his dope as well. I knew when my husband was using when he was contacting his brother alot. In normal life...he never speaks to him as he doesn't respect him.
My husband contacts me about once a day....usually a text or brief phone call. I never ask him about his using. "Hows work...general stuff."
Today, I came back from visiting a girlfriend about 8 hours away.....she helped me gain my balance over the weekend.
He called me after work. Asked me if I wanted to stay in the marriage. He then asked me what I wanted to see.
I said "yes...I want our marriage. This isn't a marriage now. I won't wait for much longer. I am not sure if you are willing or able to get treatment. If I don't see action from you then I will need to move on. I won't stay without a partnership. This is your business and not mine." He said he forgot the number to the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at home and was going to call when he had a day off.
Haha! It's like "I am going to wait until I have a day off to tend to a heart attack" is what I told him.
I will wait maybe another month....depending upon my mood.
He is maintaining his job and living with a trigger his younger addict brother. He is probably the source of his dope as well. I knew when my husband was using when he was contacting his brother alot. In normal life...he never speaks to him as he doesn't respect him.
My husband contacts me about once a day....usually a text or brief phone call. I never ask him about his using. "Hows work...general stuff."
Today, I came back from visiting a girlfriend about 8 hours away.....she helped me gain my balance over the weekend.
He called me after work. Asked me if I wanted to stay in the marriage. He then asked me what I wanted to see.
I said "yes...I want our marriage. This isn't a marriage now. I won't wait for much longer. I am not sure if you are willing or able to get treatment. If I don't see action from you then I will need to move on. I won't stay without a partnership. This is your business and not mine." He said he forgot the number to the Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at home and was going to call when he had a day off.
Haha! It's like "I am going to wait until I have a day off to tend to a heart attack" is what I told him.
I will wait maybe another month....depending upon my mood.
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His mother came over to bring me some chicken soup as I haven't been feeling well lately (throat/tired). She is the sweetest person and an enabler. I am encouraging to go to Alanon with me and see an individual therapist. She is open to a therapist.
I told her that, at this point, my marriage of not even a year isn't a marriage. I told him I wasn't waiting for very long. She understands and is sad like I am. We both agree that there isn't much for us to do.
My husband called to see how I was feeling....he knew I was sick and told his mom. He is so sweet over the phone. UGH.
I told her that, at this point, my marriage of not even a year isn't a marriage. I told him I wasn't waiting for very long. She understands and is sad like I am. We both agree that there isn't much for us to do.
My husband called to see how I was feeling....he knew I was sick and told his mom. He is so sweet over the phone. UGH.
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Woke up this morning...sad and sick still (but better than yesterday).
I guess being sick makes me more vulnerable to my feelings.
Yesterday...I felt detached from him. Like I could file for divorce and move on. No tears.
Today is another day...still hoping he will reach out for help.
I am concentrating on my self and doing what I need to do for me. Heartbreak sucks!
I guess being sick makes me more vulnerable to my feelings.
Yesterday...I felt detached from him. Like I could file for divorce and move on. No tears.
Today is another day...still hoping he will reach out for help.
I am concentrating on my self and doing what I need to do for me. Heartbreak sucks!
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Well...I did tell him, today, that it's to painful to stay as things are...
He uses the excuse that he works to much to get help right now. Works 7 days a week.
I told him that I bet his employers would think differently. I am not trying to convince him.
He was upset when I told him that I don't see anything on his part. He wants a marriage, like I do but I can't do anything about OUR problem.
Oh well. I am pissed that he got upset. After all, I am the person who doesn't deserve this treatment.
He uses the excuse that he works to much to get help right now. Works 7 days a week.
I told him that I bet his employers would think differently. I am not trying to convince him.
He was upset when I told him that I don't see anything on his part. He wants a marriage, like I do but I can't do anything about OUR problem.
Oh well. I am pissed that he got upset. After all, I am the person who doesn't deserve this treatment.
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Txhelp I am really sad after reading your story 
it is obvious that this man loves you, but you have to do what is right for you right now. I understand those mixed emotions you speak of. One day I could conquer the world and don't need my man, the next day I want to give him a great big cuddle and take his problems away. I would do anything to fix him - but we must remember that spending all our energy trying to fix them, will in turn break us. As you know this is all new to me as u commented on my first post ever, yesterday.I just wanted u to know that I feel ur pain and I really hope ur hubby can get the help he needs to climb firmly back on the wagon so u two can continue on ur journey through life together.x
it is obvious that this man loves you, but you have to do what is right for you right now. I understand those mixed emotions you speak of. One day I could conquer the world and don't need my man, the next day I want to give him a great big cuddle and take his problems away. I would do anything to fix him - but we must remember that spending all our energy trying to fix them, will in turn break us. As you know this is all new to me as u commented on my first post ever, yesterday.I just wanted u to know that I feel ur pain and I really hope ur hubby can get the help he needs to climb firmly back on the wagon so u two can continue on ur journey through life together.x
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