detachment and what next?
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It sounds like you are thinking pretty rationally Txhelp! I went through 1 relapse then said I would not go through another. I believe that they cannot love anyone else when they are in active addiction. Stand firm like you already seem to be, obviously you are a fully capable human being. Set your boundaries and keep sticking to them. I'm going through the divorce process now and refuse to go through life with an addict ever again. It's much easier to be alone.
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Well...yesterday I told him it was to painful to stay in limbo. I felt detached yet sad. He said I love you as always. He had excuses on how he was trying to step back from the meth use. I told him "good luck w that. You will use again within 24 hours." I am not psychic but his cash withdrawal and call to his brother let me know when he is about to buy and use.
This morning he calls me. He asked his supervisor to take him into HR at 10am. He is scared.I told him that it shows strength. I pray for his strength and Gods guidance down a different path.
This morning he calls me. He asked his supervisor to take him into HR at 10am. He is scared.I told him that it shows strength. I pray for his strength and Gods guidance down a different path.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Looks like he is taking the right steps. I am finding that heaping deadlines and threats do not help when my son is in active addiction. Stress and fear make him use/drink more not less. Deescalate the situation and respond with respect, kindness and firmness (in that order). I read somewhere that boundaries in addiction should be flexible (like ropes not walls).
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Yes....my mantra was to be respectful but it's his business.
He went into HR and they told him it was the best thing that he could have done. His job is safe. He is on FMLA (family medical leave act). He was given some numbers to call and they said the next steps are up to him.
He is looking at the same rehab that my son went to...about 3 hours away. I think he needs a lot of inner work. He was sober for 13 years but didn't do the inner work.
I am sitting back and letting him figure how to walk this road.
He was very humbled by asking for help. I am very proud of him.
He went into HR and they told him it was the best thing that he could have done. His job is safe. He is on FMLA (family medical leave act). He was given some numbers to call and they said the next steps are up to him.
He is looking at the same rehab that my son went to...about 3 hours away. I think he needs a lot of inner work. He was sober for 13 years but didn't do the inner work.
I am sitting back and letting him figure how to walk this road.
He was very humbled by asking for help. I am very proud of him.
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Join Date: May 2012
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The first BIG step for my husbands recovery was admitting he needed help AND then telling his employer he needed time off to take care of himself. It led to rehab, continued counseling, and now 17+ months in recovery and doing well.
He was afraid to tell them at his office. He valued his career so much and didn't want to risk it. There was so much shame, guilt, and he thought people would no longer respect him; but it turns out they respected him more for taking control of the situation; taking care of his health.
I hope things go well from here on out. Being sober for 13 years before this relapse, he was doing something right. We were told relapse is not a sign of failure, it just means a person needs to stop, refocus, figure out what happened to trigger the relapse, work to strengthen those areas.
He was afraid to tell them at his office. He valued his career so much and didn't want to risk it. There was so much shame, guilt, and he thought people would no longer respect him; but it turns out they respected him more for taking control of the situation; taking care of his health.
I hope things go well from here on out. Being sober for 13 years before this relapse, he was doing something right. We were told relapse is not a sign of failure, it just means a person needs to stop, refocus, figure out what happened to trigger the relapse, work to strengthen those areas.
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allforcnm: Yes..he did well for the 13 years alright but he moved to a different state and thought that was his past.
Fortunately, for now, this relapse is short (months maybe?)....one day at a time for us all.
Fortunately, for now, this relapse is short (months maybe?)....one day at a time for us all.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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Soberhawk said in one of his posts on my thread, that beating addiction is not easy otherwise - one one would be an addict. We treat cancer survivors with great respect. Recovered/recovering addicts deserve the same respect for their resilience.
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Yes. This is because of the lying, stealing etc associated with active addiction. Unfortunately i think these behaviours though very hurtful are actually symptoms of addiction, they are part of the disease complex. Just like a runny nose and cough are symptoms of a cold. Would you blame a cancer patient if he tries to steal painkillers? Just thinking out aloud here. The difference here is that this is brain disease, there is no tumour to blame. The tumour is in the mind as is the scalpel to cut away the tumour.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Until treatment happens, everything else is in second place, isn't it. I like the thought of a counselor (divorce counselor?) that can help you think through this very individual, personal decision, not in a roller coaster kind of way. Hope you're feeling better - a lotta crud already being passed around!
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Eve....feeling a bit better.
I have been thinking of how everything. Is in second place. Now that hes made the move for help..I will see how things will go. I expect a partnership where I am a focus as well. I can do others very well but I know my worth and deserve to have someone look after me.
I am cautiously optimistic about our marriage and will take things as they come. Things like this rock your core.....for me the idea of self preservation have taken a top 2 position in my relationship.
I have been thinking of how everything. Is in second place. Now that hes made the move for help..I will see how things will go. I expect a partnership where I am a focus as well. I can do others very well but I know my worth and deserve to have someone look after me.
I am cautiously optimistic about our marriage and will take things as they come. Things like this rock your core.....for me the idea of self preservation have taken a top 2 position in my relationship.
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Well...I visited my husband today. He looked pretty well. He said that he has a large weight lifted off of his shoulders. He said " I felt that it was, at anytime, that I would be drug tested at work."
He is seeing a counselor today at 3 pm (first time in counseling ever) and has another appt on Monday at 10 am for another counselor. He said he wanted to see which one would fit him best.
Tuesday he is going into rehab...about 4 hours away. He said he is looking forward to it. He said he really never learned how to deal with things during his sobriety...he walked away from meth before but didn't learn anything about himself or relapse prevention in the process.
He asked if he'd be able to come home after rehab. I said "yes." If he is doing the work then I welcome him. He mentioned that our marriage needs work as well. DUH! It's the first time, in his life, that he is reaching out to get help.
Praise God!
He is seeing a counselor today at 3 pm (first time in counseling ever) and has another appt on Monday at 10 am for another counselor. He said he wanted to see which one would fit him best.
Tuesday he is going into rehab...about 4 hours away. He said he is looking forward to it. He said he really never learned how to deal with things during his sobriety...he walked away from meth before but didn't learn anything about himself or relapse prevention in the process.
He asked if he'd be able to come home after rehab. I said "yes." If he is doing the work then I welcome him. He mentioned that our marriage needs work as well. DUH! It's the first time, in his life, that he is reaching out to get help.
Praise God!
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I saw my husband yesterday...he looks fine. We talked a bit and I went home. He had his first counseling appt. He didn't hit it off with the therapist as my husband said he appeared distracted.
Today was different...he had another counseling appt, today, with another counselor. Prior to counseling I noticed a charge on the bank account to an attorney. I looked it up on our jail database and saw that he had been arrested in Aug.
I waited until after the counseling appt to talk to him. After the appt, he called and said he really like the counselor. He is an older gentlemen with lots of experience in addiction etc. My husband said he really let it out-emotionally. The counselor would like us to meet with him on Monday prior to my husband attending rehab on Tuesday.
I then said "tell me about the arrest." He was shocked that I knew and figured he would sweep it under the rug. He had been crying in session and was very regretful for his arrest when he spoke with me. He said that our Monday session is for him to tell his recent history including the arrest. I guess I beat him to it.
His arrest-paraphernalia.
I did tell him how I felt abandoned and second rate citizen in our marriage. The drugs were obviously first. But even prior to the drug use...he was like a dry drunk or dry addict. Selfish; passive aggressive; ,moody. It all escalated after our marriage in February.
He did say how sorry he was and even said in the session that he was so remorseful about how he treated me. He said that if I treated him, like he did, then he would have left. Does that make me stupid of a martyr?
Oh well. Either way....He is making progress prior to rehab. He said he is giving his wallet and keys to his mom in order to not go on a one last binge. I told him that if he's high on Tuesday, when I get him for rehab....then he can take himself there.
This is going to be a long road.
Today was different...he had another counseling appt, today, with another counselor. Prior to counseling I noticed a charge on the bank account to an attorney. I looked it up on our jail database and saw that he had been arrested in Aug.
I waited until after the counseling appt to talk to him. After the appt, he called and said he really like the counselor. He is an older gentlemen with lots of experience in addiction etc. My husband said he really let it out-emotionally. The counselor would like us to meet with him on Monday prior to my husband attending rehab on Tuesday.
I then said "tell me about the arrest." He was shocked that I knew and figured he would sweep it under the rug. He had been crying in session and was very regretful for his arrest when he spoke with me. He said that our Monday session is for him to tell his recent history including the arrest. I guess I beat him to it.
His arrest-paraphernalia.
I did tell him how I felt abandoned and second rate citizen in our marriage. The drugs were obviously first. But even prior to the drug use...he was like a dry drunk or dry addict. Selfish; passive aggressive; ,moody. It all escalated after our marriage in February.
He did say how sorry he was and even said in the session that he was so remorseful about how he treated me. He said that if I treated him, like he did, then he would have left. Does that make me stupid of a martyr?
Oh well. Either way....He is making progress prior to rehab. He said he is giving his wallet and keys to his mom in order to not go on a one last binge. I told him that if he's high on Tuesday, when I get him for rehab....then he can take himself there.
This is going to be a long road.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Vancouver Canada
Posts: 37
I'm in the exact same situation.... and its so hard for me to explain to my family. I can't just disconnect easily like them when a guy does them wrong, I'm not leaving my partner because I fell out of love, it's because I love them too much to do this. I know it gets better but can it magically be better tomortow please?
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Originally Posted by Txhelp 
I saw my husband yesterday...he looks fine. We talked a bit and I went home. He had his first counseling appt. He didn't hit it off with the therapist as my husband said he appeared distracted.
Today was different...he had another counseling appt, today, with another counselor. Prior to counseling I noticed a charge on the bank account to an attorney. I looked it up on our jail database and saw that he had been arrested in Aug.
I waited until after the counseling appt to talk to him. After the appt, he called and said he really like the counselor. He is an older gentlemen with lots of experience in addiction etc. My husband said he really let it out-emotionally. The counselor would like us to meet with him on Monday prior to my husband attending rehab on Tuesday.
I then said "tell me about the arrest." He was shocked that I knew and figured he would sweep it under the rug. He had been crying in session and was very regretful for his arrest when he spoke with me. He said that our Monday session is for him to tell his recent history including the arrest. I guess I beat him to it.
His arrest-paraphernalia.
I did tell him how I felt abandoned and second rate citizen in our marriage. The drugs were obviously first. But even prior to the drug use...he was like a dry drunk or dry addict. Selfish; passive aggressive; ,moody. It all escalated after our marriage in February.
He did say how sorry he was and even said in the session that he was so remorseful about how he treated me. He said that if I treated him, like he did, then he would have left. Does that make me stupid of a martyr?
Oh well. Either way....He is making progress prior to rehab. He said he is giving his wallet and keys to his mom in order to not go on a one last binge. I told him that if he's high on Tuesday, when I get him for rehab....then he can take himself there.
This is going to be a long road.
Today was different...he had another counseling appt, today, with another counselor. Prior to counseling I noticed a charge on the bank account to an attorney. I looked it up on our jail database and saw that he had been arrested in Aug.
I waited until after the counseling appt to talk to him. After the appt, he called and said he really like the counselor. He is an older gentlemen with lots of experience in addiction etc. My husband said he really let it out-emotionally. The counselor would like us to meet with him on Monday prior to my husband attending rehab on Tuesday.
I then said "tell me about the arrest." He was shocked that I knew and figured he would sweep it under the rug. He had been crying in session and was very regretful for his arrest when he spoke with me. He said that our Monday session is for him to tell his recent history including the arrest. I guess I beat him to it.
His arrest-paraphernalia.
I did tell him how I felt abandoned and second rate citizen in our marriage. The drugs were obviously first. But even prior to the drug use...he was like a dry drunk or dry addict. Selfish; passive aggressive; ,moody. It all escalated after our marriage in February.
He did say how sorry he was and even said in the session that he was so remorseful about how he treated me. He said that if I treated him, like he did, then he would have left. Does that make me stupid of a martyr?
Oh well. Either way....He is making progress prior to rehab. He said he is giving his wallet and keys to his mom in order to not go on a one last binge. I told him that if he's high on Tuesday, when I get him for rehab....then he can take himself there.
This is going to be a long road.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step
Lao-tzu
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Well....I took the long journey to drop off my husband at rehab. Even though sober for 13 years this is his first experience in rehab. He was scared and "ready and thankful" to be going. He is going through withdrawal the last few days but it handling internally. He never lashed out at me. Although I am a pretty easy girl to be around!
He is so humble and remorseful. He is spending the night in the detox unit to be monitored but it expected to attempt the newcomers meeting tomorrow if possible. He is ready to being.
They did tell me about a family week that may happen in the next 3 weeks or so. It's Monday through Thursday and quite and event. At first I was not wanting to go as I have missed work but i understand the importance of support. He is so remorseful and wanting help. I have to go. I will need to figure out the exact week soon and do my part.
I am cautiously optimistic at this point.
He is so humble and remorseful. He is spending the night in the detox unit to be monitored but it expected to attempt the newcomers meeting tomorrow if possible. He is ready to being.
They did tell me about a family week that may happen in the next 3 weeks or so. It's Monday through Thursday and quite and event. At first I was not wanting to go as I have missed work but i understand the importance of support. He is so remorseful and wanting help. I have to go. I will need to figure out the exact week soon and do my part.
I am cautiously optimistic at this point.
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