LoveMeNow

Well.....

After I found my husband's pills, left them alone, I later decided to hand them to him. He was shocked especially when I said it's your life and you have every right to live it the way you want. I meant it too. I was not angry or emotional, I just was finally in acceptance.

He later told me he flushed them. I simply said OH OK, good for you but silently I thought....oh, sure you did and went on about my day. He then started going back to meetings, called his sponsor, got his NA books, workbook and notebook out.

Then one day, he told me he really wanted to go out for a couple of beers. I said matter of factly "Ok, if that's what you to do then you should go" and went on about my business. He later thanked me for not reacting in a negative way. He worked it out in his own mind and decided it wasn't a good idea without any input from me. I finally learned that my input was not helpful, wanted and probably counter productive.

He is still planning to take Naltrexone, actually he started the pills yesterday on day 12? of being off opiates but has an appointment for the shot. He feels he needs it and that is his choice.

Last night, he asked me to go with him to a bond fire meeting to listen to a speaker. The speaker was very good and the message I heard loud and clear was to stay out of God's way, you can not help anyway. Boy, did it take me a long time to finally "get" that but I felt like God was speaking directly to me last night.

So....I see my husband working the recovery again I have wanted him to....but I am not. He asked me in a very heartfelt, sincere way.....if I would please start going back to alanon meetings and seeing my therapist again. I wasn't ready to just yet, I am not sure why but I have decided today I am going to recommit myself to my recovery for me, because I need and deserve it.

The irony is that so many of us ask, plead or pray for our addicted love ones to change, do the hard work and get healthy but are so unwilling to do it ourselves. I, for one, have been very guilty of it.

The irony.........

LoveMeNow

Just wanted to clarify......I do not believe anything I did or said resulted in a change for my husband but it did help me stay balanced. I do, however, believe with all my heart.....it is crucial to stay out of a God's way.

Ann

That's a hard lesson to learn, it took me several times around the block before I started to recognize that nothing was changing no matter what I did, and I decided to step back and see what would happen if I did nothing.

I'm glad he is on a good path again, and happy that you are finding your balance as well.

You are both wiser today, you are each stronger than you were when this all began.

It's good to look after yourselves and let God take care of the rest.

Hugs

pravchaw

LMT, I think you made your point with your actions not words. No one likes to be told or infantilized. By your actions you treated him like an adult and he chose to rise to his responsibility to himself and to you.

LoveMeNow

So True!! However, after having some clean time he went back out and allowed his addiction to become full blown again. I left for over 8 weeks to visit family, hoping during that time.....he would become sick and tired. There was nothing else I could do.

He did seem to be miserable back in his addiction.....but it could have gone either way. Some people go back out for years or worse.

He did say....since you tried something different, I thought I would too. But I personally believe he was just sick and tired or getting there.

pravchaw

For most addicts & alcoholics change is a slow process. However chances of recovery increases if they have family and community support.

With my son, I find the confrontation/acrimony just causes him to use more. Anger leads to frustration and extreme helplessness, which leads to using.

bluebelle

LMN, thank you for sharing. I am learning about getting out of God's way!! It's hard, and I sometimes relapse into old ways and thinking. However, I am proud of my progress--as they say, "progress not perfection." It sounds like you are using the tools you have learned. I found it helpful to tell bf, "You are smart and you will figure it out." I also told him that I was done thinking that I knew what was best for him, and I meant it!

LoveMeNow

Is this based on SMART's philosophy? I ask because after hearing many NA speakers, I have come to believe that even well intentioned family members can really cause more harm then good. The message I hear over and over is that the support of the fellowship is what they say increases recovery chances.

From my own experience, I believe my "support" was causing more harm then good. I was not qualified to help my husband although I thought I was. I struggled with allowing him to feel the consequence of his choices. I know I got in Gods way too many times. It's obvious now that I was still playing God thinking I could fix him.....I couldn't. Like me, he has to really want to change and do the hard work it takes. I can appreciate that now even more because I certainly do not want my husband to try and tell me how to work my own recovery. I really believe I would resent that very much yet it was exactly what I was doing in one form or another.

KeepinItReal

LoveMeNow - It's great you brought this up. I am a repeat offender of taking credit for my husbands sobriety. Thinking I had done something that increased his success rate was so unhealthy and I didn't realize it.
I do however believe that if we can make their problem worse by "helping" there must be a "correct" way to supply support. Like, "I love you and will always be a ear for you to talk to.. but I will not give you $20." Also, not taking credit for THEIR work that they are doing by stopping using a drug that fills/filled some sort of void they have needed.
I guess it has to be guided and there is a very close line of helping/enabling.
I am a repeat offender of enabling, paying for, covering up....
I'm learning...

pravchaw

LMN, Are'nt you supporting him by still being with him and by your actions and letting be in charge of his recovery, by giving him a reason to recover? His chances of recovery increases if he believes that he can recover. Our role is to encourage that belief knowing that all the hard work and success belongs to them.
Support to me does not mean enabling or lack of boundaries. Also it does not mean that we become a punching bag of the addict and tolerate his misbehavior.

LoveMeNow

True and I have always said that I will support recovery efforts but that's where it became "tricky" for me. I had to finally figure out what support meant for me and for him.