Mentium

'Recovery'. I have tended to think of it simply in terms of stopping drinking and getting over the consequences. The 'Steps' and all that 'character defect' stuff I figured was from the dark ages.

I still do as it happens, but if we replace 'character defects' with 'mental health/emotional issues' I think we might be nearer the truth of the matter.

I have been sober for 50 days and I am currently experiencing what I know are some of the symptoms which led me to finding alcohol so attractive so many years ago in my late teens. An inclination to impatience, poor concentration, a proneness to anxiety and hypochondria, difficulties with finishing anything much I start (and other ADHD type symptoms).

At my age the thought of addressing these sorts of issues is pretty daunting to be honest. I don't plan to drink (and won't!), and I do plan to go to AA (and will!) for a while yet, but the 'me' that I am returning to seems to be the one that booze helped me to escape!

Comments and ways forward much appreciated!

makomago

I like the dictionary definition of recovery (abbreviated to read)

"The action or process of regaining possession of something lost"

In my case what was lost was my physical, emotional and spiritual health

I would say though that my emotional and spiritual ill health pre-dated my alcoholism. It was the pain from those things I was using alcohol to mask.

Drinking was the symptom. The problem was me and my life. To undo those problems I had to self examine. The 12 step program was my tool of choice. Its a good tool for that purpose. Its a good tool to address the spiritual malady too.

As for the language being dated, yes it is, I agree. I actually quite enjoy that - although I can see its not for everyone.

But the principles and concepts are 1000's of years old, they are 'really' antiquated.

Diamonds are really old, but they're not bad, they have value. I wouldn't eat them but I appreciate they have value. Old does not necessarily equal bad in my book (unless its my old habits - they were bad) :-)

Mentium

I agree, except that the language is also judgemental...to my way of thinking anyway.

Joe Nerv

I was eager to search out and hopefully get the defects in my character healed and removed. I didn't see anything negative about that, only positive. I was a pretty decent guy, even drunk, yet I knew there was a lot of stuff in me that needed fixin. In my case I was certain that that the anxiety, phobias, and depression stemmed from those defects. 30 years later I can say it worked. . Still have a handful of defects to be healed, but I'm light years away from the person I used to be, and the fears and phobias are gone.

Mentium

Well that is encouraging. Perhaps I should give it a bit more time and patience.

foolsgold66

Some of this will be quite easy for you, because you are a bit older. Sober, you will begin to 'autocorrect' some of your faults. The others, try not to think of it as work, but as improvement.

Threshold

Thing about character defects is that we become entirely ready to have the HP remove them.

The real "work" is surrender.

We were willing to give up booze. So, now, are we willing to let go of aspects of character that do not serve? Seems like a no brainer, but it takes practice because most of us are in the habit of hanging on for dear life.

My favorite way of saying this is one I read a few years ago and that I use all the time...if I am afraid...ask myself "what would a person who was not afraid do?" and try that.

So during my first year I got into the habit of asking myself "What would a sober person do?"

And when various aspects of character come up that are not serving, I have the option of asking myself what someone would do if they were NOT relying on that character aspect. Am I willing to have it removed? To give it up and move on, not picking it up again?

I raised mice for years. Female mice (at least the domesticated varieties) are prone to breast cancer. The mice can get tumors that literally will grow to a size larger than the rest of the mouse. Eventually the tumor will starve the mouse if not removed. Alcoholism and some of my other character aspects are like that too. If I don't allow them to be removed, they will eventually starve the rest of me. But at first I don't know how to let them go...so I turn to my HP...

The act of prayer, meditation, contemplation is an opportunity to NOT react, but step back and not act until a wiser head prevails.

Like booze, I don't struggle with my character aspects, I can either hang on or let go. Knowing I have that choice is half the battle, I used to not have the choice. I was bound to drag that tumor around like a cancerous mouse.

If this all sounds easy, breezy and automatic well, it's not. But every day it gets MORE automatic. I become more aware of what I am doing, feeling and thinking...without having to force hyper vigilance upon myself. The habit forms quietly in the backround...

I use step studies, thoughts, and variation of the 12 steps beyond AA to help me. Try as I might, I can't get past the language of the BB.

feralfemale

I agree that the traditional language of AA can be quite judgmental. I personally prefer the wording of the 12 steps of dual recovery (substance abuse and mental illness), which refers to "our liabilities and our assets". But it is hard to mentally substitute those every time the steps are repeated in an AA group...

Mentium--would you consider meeting with a psychiatrist to address some of the issues that are once again coming out now that you are not drinking? I have only just admitted to my psychiatrist that I was self-medicating with alcohol, but I have hope that without alcohol the proper medication can help my mental illness issues for good.

Mentium

Threshold - your post makes perfect sense to me. Though the notion of an abstract higher power is something I still struggle with. At thios point in time I tend to think of my home group as this. They have after all been the main support to my sobriety and I doubt I would have managed without them.

Feral - yes I would be willing to talk to a psychiatrist, though I am not sure my issues warrant referral to one. In the UK we have free health care - but 'elective' treatment isn't and I'm not sure a doctor would refer me. In any case I think this is stuff that most recovering alcoholics have to deal with and I will struggle through one way and another I suspect.

GracieLou

I found that I was not returning to the old me, I was always there, I was hiding behind the booze.

The statement "No matter where I go, there I am" is true, at least for me.

I think that is the reason some seem to think that a move to a new place, school, state, country is going to help. You may have moved but the baggage came with you.

I can no longer run from myself, what I can do is work at changing myself. So far the steps have helped me do that. It has let me release the resentments and anger of the past that in many ways formed and molded me into who I was. They were sort of an excuse but it was more than that. The decisions I have made in life were based on these or my reactions to them.

Once I was able to leave them in the past then I was able to see clearer. Now my decisions are not based on them or the old me that made them. Now they are based on today and what is happening in my life now.

I am in no way "there". I still have work to do and I still make mistakes but it is so much easier to clear a mistake off my board right when it happens instead of tucking it away so it can drive me crazy later on.

It is not a race. It is a journey. I know I have a tendency to do things to the extreme. I drank that way, I smoke that way, I eat that way, I read that way etc. I think sometimes recovery is no different. We want to do it to the extreme to be able to get to it. I had to learn to slow it down. Take it one day at a time. That takes practice and patience. I am in no way suggesting a stalemate or a stand still. Just slow, but steady progress.

Progress, not perfection.

Mentium

As an aside - you post made me think of this Gracie - I can't think of a single resentment in my own mind.

I don't think this is denial. I hope not anyway. Am I missing something?

foolsgold66

GOD - Group Of Drunks. I'd never heard that one my first run of sobriety. Won't work for me, but I have no disrespect for those who can stomach it. I think you are working hard, Mentium, and as thus you will succeed long-term despite any seeming boundaries.

Boleo

How about something that disturbs you? I find resentments immediately follow from those things that I find disturbing.

Can't you think of a single person, organization or stereo-type that disturbs you?

awuh1

Like the chairperson for your group who you referred to as using "emotional blackmail"?

foolsgold66

Resentment is a hard word for me. I think everyone gets angry or disturbed sometimes, with or without good cause. Is holding onto it or acting on this the key to real damage?

GracieLou

You know, my sponsor asked me something when I was going through my resentments and my amends. She asked me, about me.

It is true that I have to let go of the resentment and anger towards others and I have to make amends for the hurt I caused but I have to look at me too.

My answer at the time was that I never felt I hurt me. That there was no resentments I had towards myself but more was revealed and there are.

I was talking with someone the other day about Halloween plans. My kids are grown and there are no trick or treaters here. I wish I could borrow someones kid so I could take them out or go to someones house to give out candy.

These are simple things but are things I regret doing while drinking. I was in such a hurry to get back to the drink that I feel I completely missed the real experience. I was walking in Walmart the other day looking at all the Halloween stuff and I got very sad. I remember going costume shopping with my kids but again, it was always a rush. I wanted to get back home so I could "relax". Now I could spend hours with them looking at all the stuff but that time in my life has passed and I resentment myself for it.

I can't go back and I have to forgive myself and move on which is easier said then done but it is on my mental list of something I have to work on. Like I said, I am not "there".

Looking at myself is hard because it appeared that most of my life I was putting others first. My kids or my husbands but in reality I was always putting me first. I was selfish. I took care of them but only after I could maneuver them around my booze.

Mentium

Of course I can think of things that get me mad from people with extreme political views (opposed to mine of course!), to the guy who cut me off while I was driving the other day, to the guy referred to above who used emotional blackmail at a recent meeting. But surely not all things that get you mad - an honest and real human emotion - are the same as resentments. I see resentments as grudges one holds and simmers with, that one can't let go of and which poison you and make life negative and also put one at risk of drinking. The Big Book refers to 'harbouring' resentments (page 66 and others) rather than the simple fact of their existence.

Actually about the only one I can think of in my case is the fact that I was forced to take early retirement two years ago following the new UK governments budget cuts and finished my career in an unplanned and rather abrupt manner. ..but that's a whole other story...and even that had an up side.

Please don't misunderstand me: I'm not suggesting I'm virtuous in any way, just quite simply that I can't think of any particular anger I am holding on to.

GracieLou

Going back and looking at the start is rough. When I started it was not for any of the reasons you stated and my resentments, in my mind, did not exist.

I was just having fun. I was socializing. Woot! But looking back I can see I never drank normal. I never knew when to stop, in fact is never occurred to me. I had blackouts too but I thought they were par for the course. I mean all the other people I drank with had them. I felt early on that drinking to excess, hang overs and blackouts were normal. They were to be expected.

Later I discovered, when the resentments raised their ugly head or life was tough that drinking was a way to relax. To ease the pain like a Calgon bath.

If you don't, then you don't. People vary. I am not going to insist you have them and are hiding them or are not seeing them yet.

Your recovery is your own. Do what works for you, after all, you have to live with yourself. Where ever you go, there you are...lol

tootsl1

Mentium, I went to my GP when I first admitted I needed help to quit drinking, I was referred to the drug/ alcohol unit and offered therapy. I knew that in someways drinking was a symptom not a cause, and that once sober my underlying issues would still be there. It has helped, though in honesty I have done most of the work on myself outwith the sessions. If you are willing to be honest with yourself ( as you seem to be) you will be able to look back and see what put you on the particular paths you chose. I recommend therapy as a stepping off place towards self help.

Congratulations on the 50 days!

Mentium

It is eight weeks today for me since I last drank. I have been pondering asking someone I have come to admire and respect in AA to be my sponsor as I need to move on from just quitting quite badly now. He, like me, is non religious and we seem to have a similar outlook on the therapeutic angle of the Steps, though in a practical way. Anyway he agreed I am very pleased to say.