Lyoness

This is sort of the other end of the pendulum of TiredEnough's thread about euphoric feelings. I've been noticing how much, how readily and how easily I cry in the past few months. I used to rarely cry and try to avoid it, always afraid that if I start I will never be able to stop. The last time I cried uncontrollably was when I unexpectedly lost a family member several years ago.

Now, it seems like almost everything makes me cry. Some things make more sense, like when I am in uncontrollable pain. I still don't like it but at least it makes sense. But even watching The Voice the other night I was crying! At people's stories, at their music, the passion and feeling in the music. I was just like, wtf? Am I just going to cry at everything now?

Even a year into recovery my emotions, my thoughts, my brain and mind are still working hard to create a new stability. I guess if you figure 15 years of drug use/abuse, it makes sense to take so long. Just wondering if others also experience a lot of crying at a variety of emotions? What are your thoughts and experiences?

Drummer

Yes, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I haven't felt that way in awhile, but I know it could happen unexpectedly.

It seemed worse during the acute phase, and I would fight it off, or distract myself a bit. A close relative died the day I quit. Just happened that way. So I allowed myself to grieve as early and often as possible.

I am also worried about being really depressed late into PAWS, if there are any serious depressive episodes happening for little or no reason, I will be sure to go to my psych dr.

He actually recommended the acupuncture for the depressing mood swings.

peanut44

I'm sorry to hear you're going thru this. Are you still taking suboxone?? I know you've been thru quite the array of emotions.

What I'm finding is that life on life's terms isn't always that great or even fair.

The doctor and I are planning on the 1st of the year starting a taper. I get scared thinking about it!!

All this crying could be cleansing for you!!

Impurrfect

Lyoness - Used to be, I usually only cried when I was very angry or very hurt (such as in the love of a dear lost one).

Over the years, I've found myself crying over other things - pure gratitude as I was driving through beautiful country roads; feeling helpess that I wasn't in a position to help another RA in the way I wanted to, then back to gratitude and trying to share what worked for me.

I cry more than I used to, but each tear has it's reason and is often just proof that I'm human...we all are.

BTW, from what I remember, tears clean out chemicals or toxins that can bring a person down , so they really ARE cleansing.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

DecBaby

Total cryer here!! I used to have to go take smoke breaks at work at the drop of hat and shed a few tears. Now I've gotten better about waiting til I'm alone to let the tears out. It needs to be done though. The tears are for different reasons. I know it may sound crazy but sometimes I think it's ok to DecBaby, you've been through a lot, it's ok to cry. And I let myself feel sad for a good cry. Because I can't keep pushing those feelings away. I accept them. I also like Impurrfect get emotional with others stories and for good things too though. Very tearful girl here though, yes.

TiredEnough

Lyoness,

I think some of it comes from chemicals being out of whack and problems that were there before we all started drugs. I wish I had a better answer, though. It's all very complicated

cleaninLI

Lyoness, you nailed! I cry at the drop of a hat! I was in a meeting with my daughter's (visually impaired one) principal, teacher and a few others. They asked me the question, "What are your hopes for you daughter's future?" Before I could answer the question, I was sobbing uncontrollably! It was so embarrassing! Another example, last night while watching Greys Anatomy, Arizona was talking about how everyone stares at her .....now they are staring at a cheater etc.. Tears streaming down my face! I can become angry quicker too though. Infact, every emotion comes about quicker then before. I can find humor in something maybe not so funny and break out in the giggles. In fact, I can laugh so hard I have to run to the bathroom! Whoops sorry to be so graphic!

Drummer

For me, this is at the top of the list of withdrawal symptoms. I am by no means a "macho" guy, but if I started crying for little or no reason in the future, some people I know would think differently of me.

Not sure if different = bad, but the thought of it makes me uncomfortable.

At the same time, there is typically the opposite stereotype for women, which I am sure can also lead to social discomfort/frustration for women.

I hate stereotyping. And my guess is that this particular symptom annoys most of us, but for now I just power through it, distract my mind, and with time it passes.

But those first couple days, I couldn't really speak without getting choked up.

TiredEnough

I'm the last dude that would be considered the crying type. Hit me just like everyone else. It has eased up quite a bit, though.

One thing that came back strong and hasn't eased up is empathy. That has never been my way of looking at most things in the past.

I think Dee had a signature that said, "Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about". That hit home for me.

jokerz4u

Yea, I will tear up over stupid stuff. Not the crying type either.

Drummer

TE, I think the empathy boost is a big part of it. You can forget about watching powerful, emotional dramas on TV/movies. For whatever reason I get extremely empathetic with films and shows. Even though I know darn well they are just acting.

liv1ce

For some reason this is a common occurrence for more than a few of us. I have discussed this with others who were equally as surprised as you Lyoness. Well into my second year of recovery and I can tear up so easily. My wife and I watched Americas Got Talent this last summer and I would sit there and tear up during an emotional performance. A comedy routine could get to me.

I could see it in early recovery or as a part of the turmoil of withdrawal but now?

I would like to hear a reasonable explanation for this. We as a group tend to turn toward the drugs whether in their presence or absence or changes that occurred with or without them. It always seems to make sense but who knows? I don't.

cleaninLI

What if we, meaning addicts, are really very sensitive people? Perhaps we turned to drugs to numb ourselves of the many strong emotions that for whatever reason we were not comfortable having. What do you think about that theory? Now we don't have the drugs to numb us and all that empathy we had before is back!

liv1ce

But what of those who were not empathetic before the drugs? Did the drugs change us somehow?

I have always felt that smoking pot changed me. Prior to that very prolonged experience I was shy and withdrawn socially. After smoking pot I was glib, comical and conversational to a fault. After quitting pot I retained these traits as well as a level of introspection that also was a side effect. Did pot do that or did I simply change during the seeming 100 years or so that I was addicted to pot?

Maybe oxy changed me or maybe it was the experience of being a lying, cheating, thieving SOB for another 100 years or so.

Eventually all the things we do contribute to who we are I guess.

Drummer

Good points.

I think we were so apathetic during drug use (wrapped up in ourselves/drug), that it is just another withdrawal symptom, granted that might be temporary or permanent at some level depending on the individual. After all, empathy is a critical social skill.

But, crying issues are a classic symptom of withdrawal, so I would guess it is just a lingering PAWS issue. I have read that some PAWS symptoms can last years in extreme cases.

fightinglioness

I'm so happy everyone says this is normal because I'm the same way.
Once I start crying... I don't stop. I just keep thinking about more and more things to cry about until my head hurts and I'm so tired from the stress of it. Everything makes me so sad,
the other day this 16 year old girl where I live took her own life due to high school cyber bullying... I found myself just researching about her and reading every article and post on facebook and I was so sad and couldn't stop crying about it for hours, and I didn't even know her at all.
I cry over happy things too! Haha. Like today when I got a call about a job interview and scheduled it for Sunday I was literally pacing around the house crying happy tears.. and that ended only like 20 minutes ago actually (LOL).
I'm happy it's a normal thing though.. I was starting to think it was my Prozac or something.
But I definitely agree with the posts above, I think it's because our brain was so used to receiving all of those "feel good" chemicals that it just gets so emotional now that it's not so "numb" from the chemicals. And our brains are balancing themselves out chemical wise and it's going to take a really long time to recover that. Sucks how much drugs mess up your head, huh? Makes me never want to go back, never want to deal with this crap ever again.

Congrats though Lyoness, you've made it so far and I'm excited to be able to be where you are

Ashamedof

Yep! Yesterday I was listening to a country song and I was crying my eyes out while driving - thinking about my past and all the things that happened to me. I hate to feel sorry for myself, it really makes me feel like a weak person. I think that it really just makes us human. We're full of emotions and when you numb them for so long, it's normal for them to explode I suppose after the chemicals are gone.

Cry if you have too, it's cleansing. I always feel better too afterwards

Lyoness

Wow! What a great thread, so many awesome responses! I can relate to everything everyone has said. I think I want to print this thread so I can refer to it whenever I question why I am crying again. I'm almost crying with the relief and connection from all the posts here! And am happy that this little window of online oppty opened up for me tonight.

I do think PAWS is for sure at play in all of this. And like Drummer says, for some people PAWS symptoms can last years. I have a feeling I may be one of those people. I am definitely moving slowly in my recovery but I think that's okay, I was on drugs for a LONG time (25 years or half my life) and I definitely have a ton of trauma and mental health stuff that predate my using. So yeah, my brain is gonna take a while, a long while to get right. Especially cuz it's never been right before, lol. I guess I'm creating a new right but S-L-O-W-L-Y. At least I hope I am creating a new right.

Like a lot of you, I cry in response to almost any emotion. Like you all say it can be anything. Beauty, like the incredible shades of turning autumn leaves, emotionally intense dramas or comedies, most definitely people's stories and somehow I cry harder if I did not know them, like fightinglioness wrote. Anything with a lot of feeling, dance, music, freaking commercials, it's all fair game in the tear dept.

And like you clean, I can laugh at really silly or outside things, I have a bit of gallows humor given my life experiences and can laugh at sometimes inappropriate stuff. I think the racing to the loo is a thing we women of a certain age experience, lol! But I've also talked with other women who said that in their menopause years the tears came all the time. So I feel like I am getting a double whammy.

I am so glad to know I am not alone and glad that everyone here is realizing that too. Whatever our sex/gender, crying is really looked down upon in our culture. So I agree that it is pretty hard for any of us. Guys aren't supposed to cry (wtf?!) and women are seen as "emotional and out of control" if we cry. It's all bs. We are all human beings and we all have feelings.

Even though I find it hard to cry and resist it, I know it IS good for me, I know I usually always feel better after I do. And Impurrfect, my old counselor told me that they do find certain chemicals in tears, and they can even be literally releasing physical/chemical stuff from years and years and years. That blew me away and I did a LOT of crying at that time.

Lyoness

I really appreciate all these posts on empathy. I have always been hyper-empathic, I call myself pathologically empathic. I can definitely be hypersensitive, too, and I know that some significant part of my addiction/using has been to tone that down, give me a little protection from the onslaught of feeling everything.

I wonder about what liv1ce says, did the drugs change him or did he change during the same time or both or neither? It's a good question.

I think a lot of us are trying to protect ourselves in whatever ways we need with our using. I know I was trying to shut out a lot of intolerable stuff in the past few years.

I am also realizing some deeper aspects of my recent heavy addiction. In a way it was a slow suicide. I wasn't necessarily consciously thinking "I am trying to kill myself." But I am realizing that I was trying to die, just cease to exist, fade away. That awareness just came to me the other night, pages of journaling that night. But it gives me a lot more insight to why I am crying so much and at everything. I am sort of coming back alive as well as grieving my addiction.

And of course there are years of stuff before that that I am still healing. Trauma that still needs healing and I really believe that is one thing that is true for all of us who struggle with addiction.

fancyfee

I agree Lyoness. Most addicts I know used drugs or alcohol to numb some kind of pain. I think those raw feelings eventually come out. We can compartmentalize them to a tiny little room in the depths of our brains, but they eventually come out.

Also, there are arguments that addicts who start using at a young age are emotionally frozen. So we could just be working through some of those growing pains.