fightinglioness

Just got to work.
I called out the last 2 days (was diagnosed with clamitia, and then found out I also have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease from it laying dorment for so long, awesome) The PID meds made me throw up constantly, so I have a valid excuse and a doctor's MTR note to prove that because my manager is so strict. But she also knows that I haven't been myself lately and I told her I have some personal things going on but she wants me to talk to her about them because basically right now she thinks I don't give a CRAP about this job, which isn't true. my job is LITERALLY on the line. She hates me already, so I'm waiting for her to call me down to her office and I'm going to tell her EVERYTHING about my addiction, recovery, going to a counseler, appologize for freaking out on some coworkers over nothing last week, EVERYTHING. I'm just going to let it all out. And she's either going to fire me for discrimminating or thinking I can't mentally handle the job or keep me and just move me to a different area away from the guy I freaked out on (he abuses suboxone so its really hard for me to work with him now).
I'm really fking nervous and took 2 lorazepams but they didn't do anything.
Literally the past week the PAWS have been hitting me like an 18-wheeler in the face. I have 10,000 nightmares a night, and also craving heroin dreams. I'm dying a lot in my dreams so I'm always waking up in a deep craving depression. I'm just constantly having a battle with my brain.
My counseler visits make me feel better and are helping but I NEED to see her twice a week since 1 hour a week isn't enough. I find myself rushing and babbling so fast because there's so many things I need to tell her and then time just runs out.
I really can't handle this job because I need to focus on my recovery but I can't just say "F-IT". Because I need the money. I just wish things didn't have to be so stressful and difficult right now, I know I made it this way, it's all my fault from my own actions. I hate myself a lot of the time. I don't even know who I am anymore.

I'm 37 days clean. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I had no idea the mental PAWS could ACTUALLY be worse than the physical.
I'm so nervous.
at least if I get fired, I'd get unemployment. So that honestly wouldn't be such a bad thing... but I can't HOPE to get fired, I feel like such a failure.

CharlieNoogan

I would suggest that immediately after you speak with your boss, or preferably before, you inform HR in writing of your recovery situation to protect yourself.

If your boss would underhandedly and illegally fire you for being a recovering addict, then she would likely terminate you in a way that would prevent you from getting unemployment. Typically, you are ineligible for unemployment if you are fired for cause. Unemployment insurance is reserved for those who are laid-off, downsized, etc.

Congratulations on 37 days, really great job! Best of luck!

fightinglioness

Yeah that's a really good idea, contacting HR. Well I know if I quit then I absolutely wouldn't get unemployment either, so it is just the matter of her fighting for me not getting unemployment, you're right.
Thanks much CharlieNoogan.
I'll post after the talk.... either here at work or at home if I'm fired. lol.

Tamerua

Hi fighting! Congrats on your 37 days. I would call your EAP line before you call anyone, including HR. EAP is a confidential service that helps employees with these types of thing and your company is paying for their service. I wouldn't tell your boss anything until you have called EAP, I've heard a lot of stories about how people told their boss and the boss never trusted them again. Not all bosses are that way (I'm a boss and I found recovery because an employee confided in me not knowing about my situation) but you don't want to find out the hard way.

fightinglioness

oh.. I didn't even think of that either. Yeah I do have EAP because my boyfriend uses them to get free drug abuse counseling sessions. That's a good idea.

fightinglioness

I do need to do something to protect myself because I'm sure managers discriminate and fire people in recovery all the time. and Since I'm only a temporary 3 year contract at this job, I'm not "valued" like the converted full time people are. So that just scares me even more. But I know telling her the truth could potentionally save my job too... because it is a serious thing I'm going through. And it's better than making up some excuse that doesn'te ven sound good and then end up getting fired ANYWAY.

fightinglioness

I hate this job. I just would love to sit for a couple weeks with unemployment until I find something new and focus on my recovery and my BRAIN. And paint/draw/write. I feel like I don't have time to do anything. I feel so blurry, I need to focus on myself.

bigsombrero

Which is it?

Listen, it sounds like you're going through a lot of ups and downs right now, and that's okay - it's very normal for someone in recovery to be "all over the place". I know I was!

There seems to be a LOT going on under the hood right now. I experienced the same. And I'm not going to tell you what to do about your job - but I know that in my case, recovery was a full-time job. And that meant using my savings, and even my 401K for a while to live on.

It sounds like creating art is something you're interested in. Perhaps, when you have some time to think, you can start focusing on how you want to live your life going forward?

After I started readjusting my career path, I was SHOCKED to see that there are many people out there who are enjoying their jobs. And not grinding it out every day. There are less-stressful options out there. Perhaps you are ready to give yourself a break, and reset your priorities while you recover?

fightinglioness

Yeah, I am all over the place haha.
Pretty much... I do hate the job. But I like the money. that's the only thing I don't not give a crap about haha. I just don't want her to think I'm slacking off and having issues for just a "whatever reason".
You're right recovery IS a full time job...
But yes I think I do need to give myself a break too. But I have no savings.. so I would need to get a small part time job which actually wouldnt be so bad... hmmmm.. now I'm rethinking my whole list I wrote to talk about with her.
UGH i just wish she would call me down to her office already. This waiting and dwelling and stress is just not good.

foolsgold66

Calm down a little. That's what you need to do. Trust me. Do something calming, you seem manic.

Stucco

I was having dreams of death 2 years ago. After a sleep study, I found out I have sleep apnea. With using my CPAP machine, I no longer have death dreams.

It is a myth that only old, fat people have sleep apnea. Sometimes, skinny children have it. Sleep apnea has been implicated in high blood pressure, atrial fibrillation, and PTSD.

You may not have it, but if you have good insurance, it may be worth checking out.

fightinglioness

Yeah... that's my anxiety at its best lol.
I'm a little calmer now that I'm focusing on work.

fightinglioness

Stucco I'll have to look into that, I just asumed it was the heroin addiction that was doing it to me. because my boyfriend is having nightmares too, just not about dying or anything.
I've never really researched anything about it, but I will now that you mentioned it :3

finaltime

I always have nightmares when I quit, its your brains way of recovering I think. How did the meeting go? Pulling for you.

Marcus

I would definitely look into the Employee Assistance Program. It saved my ass on two different occasions. I was able to go to an IOP the first time and work half days but got paid my full salary. The second time a few years later at a different job I took FMLA while I went to a 30 day inpatient program. Not sure how it works if you are a contract employee, but since you said you have it couldn't hurt to talk with them. They worked with the HR people at my work too so I didn't have to deal with that because I was a mess at the time. I also believe honesty is the best policy, but work situations can be tough.

I am an H addict too and know how hard it is to work and try to get clean at the same time. I had some very dark days early on and would just break down sitting at my desk. I got better at hiding it but people must have thought I was losing it. Obviously if you are out of work for an extended period people will wonder, but let them wonder. Getting healthy and not falling back into dope should be your main priority because if you relapse all bets are off. Hang in there!!!

fightinglioness

Thanks marcus, I really hope I can qualify for something like you did.
I don't really care if people are wondering,
I finally want to make myself and my recovery a main priority like you said.
I havent had the meeting yet, she's really making me wait on the edge here.
But I will def post after I have it, I'm sure I'll be freaking out regardless of the outcome. lol.
thanks though guys posting on here makes me calm too.

bigsombrero

I can completely identify there, and I know others on this thread can as well. Eventually you have to remember that this is your LIFE we are talking about here. I'm much happier being sober and poor than rich and drunk. And that's not to say that I've got it all figured out - I'm dirt poor and there's not a whole lot of positives. I simply found that wiping the slate clean, of everything, was the best move in my case.

I also agree with others who say you should try and chill out. It must be driving you up the wall, but you can't control anything about this meeting. It's not in your hands. Accept that, and try and do something right now that will take the pressure off- anything that keeps you sober and calm. The jitters will go away.

Remember, worry will not solve tomorrow's problems, but it will sap today of its strength.

cleaninLI

How did the meeting go?

fightinglioness

The meeting didn't happen! Goes to show how much my manager really cares when something serious and personal needs to be talked about with her. She gave me the run around all night and talked to me like a child, leading me on, and then telling me she was "too busy at the time". I'm just sick of it.
I've made up my mind. I'm quitting before I leave today. I won't tolerate being treated like that, I'm too good for that. I'm going to finally do what makes me happy and apply for a part time job that I like doing, like all these bakery positions available near me. I'm not going to slave away at a depressing job just because it pays well while I'm killing my body and mind working 12 hour night shifts. I need to start thinking about my own well being. and starting from a clean slate is how I need to do that.
I'm so happy and finally the first time in a month I've actually been motivated, excited, and ambitious about finding a new job and also learning how to drive my boyfriend's standard car so I can get to work! I used to be so scared to even THINK about what tomorrow would bring, now I'm excited and curious.
His dad won't be too happy with me though, but I'll prove to him I can find a job and make money so I won't be freeloading at their house. Everything will fall into place, I know it.

Tamerua

Fighting, do you think you should find a job before you quit? Just to have everything lined up?