My job is on the line. Oh and I'm losing my mind.
Just got to work.
I called out the last 2 days (was diagnosed with clamitia, and then found out I also have Pelvic Inflammatory Disease from it laying dorment for so long, awesome) The PID meds made me throw up constantly, so I have a valid excuse and a doctor's MTR note to prove that because my manager is so strict. But she also knows that I haven't been myself lately and I told her I have some personal things going on but she wants me to talk to her about them because basically right now she thinks I don't give a CRAP about this job, which isn't true. my job is LITERALLY on the line. She hates me already, so I'm waiting for her to call me down to her office and I'm going to tell her EVERYTHING about my addiction, recovery, going to a counseler, appologize for freaking out on some coworkers over nothing last week, EVERYTHING. I'm just going to let it all out. And she's either going to fire me for discrimminating or thinking I can't mentally handle the job or keep me and just move me to a different area away from the guy I freaked out on (he abuses suboxone so its really hard for me to work with him now).
I'm really fking nervous and took 2 lorazepams but they didn't do anything.
Literally the past week the PAWS have been hitting me like an 18-wheeler in the face. I have 10,000 nightmares a night, and also craving heroin dreams. I'm dying a lot in my dreams so I'm always waking up in a deep craving depression. I'm just constantly having a battle with my brain.
My counseler visits make me feel better and are helping but I NEED to see her twice a week since 1 hour a week isn't enough. I find myself rushing and babbling so fast because there's so many things I need to tell her and then time just runs out.
I really can't handle this job because I need to focus on my recovery but I can't just say "F-IT". Because I need the money. I just wish things didn't have to be so stressful and difficult right now, I know I made it this way, it's all my fault from my own actions. I hate myself a lot of the time. I don't even know who I am anymore.
I'm 37 days clean. I had no idea what I was getting myself into, I had no idea the mental PAWS could ACTUALLY be worse than the physical.
I'm so nervous.
at least if I get fired, I'd get unemployment. So that honestly wouldn't be such a bad thing... but I can't HOPE to get fired, I feel like such a failure.